To speak to my neighbour's about her disabled child?

[RootsBeforeTheFruits]

OK I've named changed....

I've recently moved house and have been at the new house about 9 months, for the first few months next door was empty and being renovated. Once it finished it was quickly rented out to my current neighbour's. She's a nice enough woman we have a gab in passing, she had a son with additional needs.

Here's the problem ....it's a terraced style house and he frequently bangs shit out of the walls, in the day I don't mind as much it's the day, but he bangs well into the night i don't mean the odd tapping it's actually shaking our walls. It frequently wakes my children up in the night and they've been extra tired in school.

Do I speak to her about it, i explain to the children that he has additional needs and more than likely can't help this behavior, I really don't know what to do

Christ alive. How is it a social services issue? The child is disabled, not being abused. I bet the LA love you. You need your very own employee there by the sounds of it.

Its incredibly difficult to secure a residential school placement ,not to mention eye wateringly expensive
And its not something all parents of severly dissabled kids want to consider anyway.

Its best to hit every avenue hard.
And It's the best way to ensure the disability social workers are active and pursuing the issues raised.

You'll fucking love this mate.
I teach at a SEN school.

I hope it's not my son's.

That's the incredible thing about anonymous forums. You'll never know.

And that's why the bottom line remains that the needs to issues of the neighbour are not the OPs problem

This is not an inclusion issue, it's not their home. It's not a tolerance issue as in no universe should the OP and her children have to tolerate this disturbance.

It is an advocacy issue as those the OP reports to absolutly should advocate for their rights to quite enjoyment and also the rights to their health.

To many people on MN try to silence others when SEN is mentioned and force those to tolerate more.

The SEN is not the OPs problem. The noise is.

A good SEN school would encourage the parents to go to services themselves for help and avoid advising people to complain about parents of SEN children. A good teacher would have advised the OP to talk to the parents with some useful information, offer help.

So either you are misinformed, a shit advocate or lying.

So how would you get the teen to stop then?

Parent of child who is the child banging. Talk to her. She should have approached you about it anyway.

I mentioned Katie Price's son in a previous post. He went to residential school Monday to Friday I think. It can be better for the yp to get appropriate support and for the parent - and neighbours - to get respite.

I suspect high-profile cases like Harvey Price give people a misleading impression of how readily available this type of support is. I think HP no longer attends that placement anyway.

DH and I had no sleep for 6 years - had to tag team with DS to make sure he didn’t injure himself overnight. I also had to sew him into onesies to stop him smearing. We have been told we are “eligible” for respite but it’s not available because no trained staff. We also get middle-rate DLA, £300 a month, which would pay for <4 hours of the trained care DS needs.

No....because that's not OPs job.
The OP is not the parent or guardian of the young person. She has neither the means or resources to stop the issue herself so she has been correctly advised of what avenues she can take to push for the issue to be resolved on her end.

I wouldn't know. I don't know they're cognitive ability, their resources, the set up of their home, the family dynamics or the ability of the parents.

Again, not relevant to the post though because it's not for OP to think of the how.

Ditto. But I’m pretty sure it isn’t, because the staff are enormously knowledgeable and empathetic. Not to mention their incredible expertise in autism.

I do get respite now but its taken year ,s to get it
My son atrends a special needs holiday scheme for 1/2 days a week in the school holidayz ,and the same club every other saturday
We also get two overnights a month but hes 15 next month and this has been happening about a year
Is your son not entitled to direct payments*
I know respite is very limited and very variable from area to area .

I also have incredible expertise, I am also compassionate and empathic.

Or did you only mean to one set of people?

I have never ending sympathy for what OP and her children are enduring and have strived through this post to focus on their needs to find a resolution That honours their needs and rights.

Agree.
Of course OP should make everyone aware of what her family are going through due to the noise and vibrations at night.

This is detrimental to the health of her children and herself. If she was to get into a car and drive after a night ( or many ) of no sleep she is putting her family in danger. How can OP carry on with life after no sleep.

OP should not be sitting back and sucking this up. She needs to make everyone aware, including her own landlord and the neighbours.

She needs to keep a diary of how often this nuisance occurs and report it.

Its on the neighbour, her landlord and whoever else to solve the issue.

Well yes it is an option, but as I mentioned before, it is just going to alienate her from the neighbour. It's better to try the more compassionate way of talking to the neighbour first surely? They haven't even had a conversation yet. Just seems more sensible to try this first than put the parents of the child through complaints, SS, etc. To be honest if a neighbour did this to me without even trying to speak to me I would have less respect for them. If someone spoke to me and we both had an understanding of the situation and the impact I think it is likely to be more effective and not put a strain on the relationship.

I wouldn't mind a neighbour complaining about my son as we are in an unsuitable property and this would help us, but I'd feel differently about this if I wasn't approached first so I could try do to something to minimise the disruption. It's a bit cowardly to not speak to someone and just complain, especially in this situation where there are severe disabilities.

Sorry but I just think your advice isn't helpful in the first instance, maybe later down the line possibly. It worries me that you are a SEN teacher and give that advice to be honest.

Exactly !

DS is only 9, but there are no suitable clubs (and I’m not sure he’d cope anyway tbh!) We have a specialist nanny for the holidays, but it’s eye-wateringly expensive. (Worth it on the basis that I’d go completely crackers if I didn’t work!) I don’t know any parents in our area who have actually received any respite care. As you say, it’s really variable.

I must admit I haven’t looked into direct payments. Tbh after the epic battle to get DS into a suitable specialist school (which took 5 years) I took a bit of a breather from the old “autism admin”. I probably need to get back on the case now. 👍🏻

I’m always happy to hear when someone is getting the correct respite from their LA - although it also sounds like you had an epic wait!!

Why should she care if it alienates her from.her neighbour?
She has no relationship and the neighbour offers her no support.
By the sounds of it she hasn't even approved her to apologise for the noise.

I don't think that even needs to be a concern.

Where's the compassion for OP? Why has the neighbour not approached her already?

Very cowardly.

It worries me the lack of insight that some have about the impact this is having on OPs children.

You don't get it do you?

I could easily say the same for you.

Everyone, literally everyone who has posted has expressed sympathy with the OP and her children. I have it in spades. Some of us happen to also think that going around to the neighbour with a pitchfork or just locking horns without the courtesy of a conversation first, is at best counterproductive and at worst, downright cruel. It is vanishingly unlikely that the neighbour is not aware and I am pretty sure she’d appreciate a decent night’s sleep herself!

I suspect the neighbour has not approached OP because she knows it’s a problem, she has no solution, is sleep-deprived and lacking support. There are no baddies here, it’s not a fucking Spielberg movie, and it’s in everyone’s interests to escalate this to a satisfactory solution. It is very unlikely that simply shouting the odds to the LA or landlord will solve anything quickly. It will certainly remove any motivation on the part of the neighbour to help OP.

We are just going around in circles. I really would advise you to read what the parents with experience of SEN say on here, because ultimately they are the parents of the children you teach and care for. It is likely with your approach that you are missing something. The children and families you are working for should be at the centre of what you do, and we are telling you what the best approach is in a scenario like this. All your apparent expertise doesn't count for much if you think that trumps the experience of people living with special needs.

The first attempt to deal with this situation is to find out if the neighbour is even aware of the impact and if rooms can be moved. The OP has been given information here which she can use. She came here to find it, so wants to approach this in the best way and we've advised her how to do this.

What pitchfork?
Again everyone has said to show kindness and compassion but also determination to prioritise her own children.

The neighbours lack of sleep is not the OPs concern. This is very much a stay in lane issue.

Then that's also not the OPs issue. The oP can't be criticised for not doing something that the neighbour herself hasn't done when it is her home that is the issue.

Nobody is shouting odds...detailed and thorough factual reports is what has been advised.

If you are a SEN teacher (or a good one) then I am King Charles 😂