To speak to my neighbour's about her disabled child?

[RootsBeforeTheFruits]

OK I've named changed....

I've recently moved house and have been at the new house about 9 months, for the first few months next door was empty and being renovated. Once it finished it was quickly rented out to my current neighbour's. She's a nice enough woman we have a gab in passing, she had a son with additional needs.

Here's the problem ....it's a terraced style house and he frequently bangs shit out of the walls, in the day I don't mind as much it's the day, but he bangs well into the night i don't mean the odd tapping it's actually shaking our walls. It frequently wakes my children up in the night and they've been extra tired in school.

Do I speak to her about it, i explain to the children that he has additional needs and more than likely can't help this behavior, I really don't know what to do

Speak to her. Maybe she can put up a sensory pad on a different wall (smyths do them, like square flat floor pads with coloured water and bubbles in them). It might help direct him to hit that instead.
Just be very kind when speaking as she's likely already feeling awful about not being able to stop him, so go about it in a solution based way rather than just "can you stop him".

You've had a lot of terrible advice here from people who clearly have no understanding of the more severe aspects of autism.

My son is 10. His autism is severe and he has profound learning disabilities. There is no redirecting him, he solely follows his own agenda. I could put a punch bag in his room and he wouldn't take a blind bit of notice of it. In fact he has nothing in his room, save for his bed, because he throws everything out.

If I was to put up padding in his room, he would tear it down. I could tell him off or ask him not to, and it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference because his brain hasn't developed an understanding of this yet.

Luckily he doesn't bang on walls, but I have put him in a bedroom in our semi detached house which is not next to the neighbours. If I were to try and stop him banging, it would be me being thumped instead.

I wouldn't even consider living in a mid terraced house.

I once approached OT about sound proofing his room, and they said it was fairly pointless and isn't the magic solution everyone thinks it is. They wouldn't fund it and I certainly couldn't afford it.

That being said, if you were my neighbour, I would be more than happy if you were to come and speak to me to see if there's anything I can do. Don't go with the faux concern and offers of tea and cake though.
I'm always willing to answer most questions about my son's disabilities so people can understand him.

If I can do something to stop, or at least help, the issue, I will do it, because I want my neighbours to be happy in their own home. But there may be some times when it really is beyond my control, so I don't know what to suggest after that.

Maybe try the landlord or council, but they're unlikely to be of much help. They probably won't have any new solutions, and are keen not to be perceived as discriminating against a disabled person.

Why on earth should OP have to speak to the LA about the adaptations? It isn't her child causing the nuisance noise and severely depriving the neighbours of an essential need i.e. sleep. She of course can try in the first instance to get her neighbour to make changes if there are any quick and easy adaptions that can be made to resolve the problem but it is absolutely entitled to suggest that OP and her children have to put up with chronic sleep deprivation caused by a disabled child from another family.

The entitlement is expecting that one person's rights (i.e. the disabled child) should infringe on the rights of OP and her family and it is somehow OP's responsibility to mitigate against this.

The entitlement is expecting that one person's rights (i.e. the disabled child) should infringe on the rights of OP and her family and it is somehow OP's responsibility to mitigate against this.

nobody said that though. Posters have just pointed out ad nauseam that it isn't that easy to sort. A severely disabled child cannot just be asked to stop, or re-directed. In likelihood the other family probably needs a detached home but we all know what the housing situation is like. Local authority adaptations team can (or will) only do that and that much. it's a really difficult situation for all involved but it's not like someone is having a party all night and can just stop if after having a talking to. Sounds like the home is completely unsuitable for the other family but we also all know what a shit show social housing, social services support etc is. People always only think disability is something that only affected (or should affect) the disabled person and their immediate family but better support for those with complex needs should be everybody's concern....

Exactly. The OP needs the noise and disruption to stop. She isn’t the person responsible for figuring out how that gets done.

It’s devaluing her house, too.

As @Bluebell865 said, it’s not an easy solution to sort and taking a “burn the witch” approach with the neighbour is not going to magically stop the disabled child from disturbing them. It isn’t her fault, and based on the hundreds of SEN parents I know, she’s probably tried all the obvious stuff already and is at the end of her rope.

Yes, there are competing “rights” here, but the law protects more vulnerable members of society with protected characteristics (like being disabled), and quite rightly so. Although there are plenty of posters salivating at the idea of kicking an autistic child and his mother out on the street, in the real world, any LA is likely to exhaust every other strategy first. And either way, it won’t be quick, so the OP is going to need to buckle up for the long haul and find a mitigation strategy.

That isn’t an “entitled” view, it’s not an opinion at all really. It’s a summary based on my knowledge of equality laws and my experience of dealing with our LA in relation to my own similarly disabled DS.

"A severely disabled child cannot just be asked to stop, or re-directed. In likelihood the other family probably needs a detached home but we all know what the housing situation is like"

If the family were given a detached home there would be another thread about how unfair it is that a disabled person gets something better than other people.

Devaluing the house?! That sounds like an OP’s landlord problem to me. Not to mention the product of a rather vivid imagination. Are you going to hoik your bosom on behalf of everyone in OP’s neighborhood who may have heard an involuntary squeak from this disabled child, sorry, I mean untermensch? 🙄

My friend has a severely disabled son who is noisy, due to severe brain damage. She has been evicted 3 times, had fireworks through her letterbox,and eggs thrown at her windows. She has tried absolutely everything,and is at the end of her tether. This thread absolutely disgusts me.

I thought the OP said she owned her half of the house.

Why is this child needs far more important then your own children needs this noise is having a negative effect on your children sleep and could stop them feeling safe in their own home but that ok as kid next door has special needs which is more important then Ur kids sleep n feelings of safety and comfort I need to decide what more important upsetting the noisy neighbours or looking after your kids emotional welfare

@Rockmehardplace I wouldn't bother responding to them. They bowed out of the thread after a while as I think they found it hard to justify what they were saying. 😂

Why does this thread disgust you, when people are suggesting peaceful negotiations?

Becsuse other posters seem delighted at the prospect of kicking out a disabled chid from their home.

No one is delighted, but OP’s children are being adversely affected. They have rights and needs too.

Meanwhile no one has actually said this.

Did you mean to quote me?

@Bumpitybumper I meant the mother of the disabled child speaks to the LA. Appreciate I didn't write that clear enough. The LA need to hear from the parents.

What solution did you suggest again?

I don't think the neighbour should put up with this either. She just needs to work something out with the neighbour. I'm not sure saying "don't put up with it" is particularly helpful to the OP. Might make you feel better in voicing your opinion, but this thread isn't about you experiencing this issue as a neighbour, or living with a disabled child with this behaviour.

This is why these threads need to get moved out of AIBU @MNHQ because you get a load of opinionated, inexperienced people not being really helpful and then people in the know about these situations justifying their solutions which might actually solve the problem, as they are misinterpretted the wrong way. (which aren't just suck up the noise if you read without confirmation bias).

I'm sick of trying to help people on here only for it to be trampled on by ignorant people trying to debate this dualistic arguement of whether a non SEN child's needs are more important than a SEN child's needs. Anyone with a SEN child doesn't think this at all and it's not a situation that can be solved by removing one persons needs over the other. All the children need a decent solution in this situation. Compromise, getting the right information and pursuing help achieves this, not a dualistic debate.

Can any SEN parents please speak to MNHQ about moving these threads somewhere a bit more productive? Lots of people don't even know there are SEND boards on here. I know people like traffic, but think quality of responses are better than quantity for the OP.

The bottom line is if the neighbour posted then it's a SEN issue.

But she didn't. OP did. So it's just a noise issue. OP doesn't have to care about the who's wants or whys. She is just needing it to stop.

That's for others to concern themselves with.

So OP has been advised correctly on tha paths to follow to have the noise issue dealt with.

Given his level of disability, I am surprised he is not in residential care. I mentioned Katie Price's son in a previous post. He went to residential school Monday to Friday I think. It can be better for the yp to get appropriate support and for the parent - and neighbours - to get respite.

The mother may not want this of course. But with this level of challenging behaviour I would think he would qualify.

Trouble is OP can't make it happen. But maybe getting to know mum might help - she might be able to use the neighbours' concerns to put pressure on the LA to come up with support, or she may realise herself that things can't continue.

I have two disabled children (not hugely disruptive but I have had my share of angry adults). Your neighbour may genuinely benefit from you expressing concern, if done sensitively x

The family in question are in a private rental, not LA property so why would people be salivating.
Furthermore
As another up thread has mentioned an end of terrace would be more suitable

If designed as most terraces are not all bedrooms will be joined to the party wall.

There are long term solutions for someone who has a child that could disturb neighbours at night and I’m sure this child hasn’t just started doing this. That is on the neighbours to have had some foresight before moving in.

( on the assumption of course that this behaviour hasn’t just suddenly started )

This is nonsense. Noise issues are dealt with by the LA. The LA would not treat a noise complaint relating to (say) nightly drill music at midnight in the same way as it treats (say) a crying baby or involuntary sounds made by a disabled person. It’s in the OP’s interests to understand this, and (as with any neighbour dispute) concilliation will be much more effective than the strategic geniuses on here who want to tell the neighbour to “sort it” is going to make a blind bit of difference to anything.

@Snoopdoggydog123

This isn't people having drugged up parties though where they can control their behaviour. The usual avenues might not work in this instance.

One of my friends is being harassed and intimidated constantly by a neighbour but they are not being dealt with as they are vulnerable due to MH. I can see both sides. In this instance though the child is lacking capacity, so probably different.

I just don't think it's helpful for either party for the OP to just complain. It probably won't get anywhere and will actually alienate her from the neighbour when they could try to find a solution together.

That is why SEND boards are helpful, because you get lived experience rather than opinion.

Again. The Why's aren't the issues.

Also, everyone is quick to hammer home that the mother will be more than aware of what is happening due to her inevitable own suffering. And yet she's never reached out to neighbours to check on them? How is that any good for neighbour relations?

The OP doesn't need to consider the neighbour anymore than she has given consideration.

She cab follow the usual paths. As has been discussed. The path for neighbour and LA may be different but effectively OP just needs to be a dog with a bone.

LA, landlord, SS, if her own children are young HV and GPs.

And again. This isn't about the neighbour and her lived experience. That's not OPs problem

The noise needs to stop for the OPs children.