DP has a throat Infection but I’m a c**t

[Mostaggrieved]

Just been called a c**t. How lovely.

DP 43 hasn’t been well since Sunday, had sore throat and fever. Stayed in bed all day Sunday - our DD2 was just getting over a sickness so me and her popped over to my mums for a few hours to let him sleep.

Monday comes, I’m at work so arrange my mum to come to help as he’s still not well, I get home from work - DP off to bed I look after DD bathtime bed etc.

Tuesday, DD at nursery I’m on AL and he’s off. I get up with DD get ready fed and watered take to nursery. Get back DP asks me to make a GP appt so book it. He goes back to bed - I clear up do washing etc then take his lordship to the Doctors - throat infection. Pick up antibiotics bring him home make his soup whilst he groans through every mouthful. DP then back to bed (can I have a hot water bottle please, can I have a blanket please, can I have a cold bottle of water, can you go back and put some squash into it please)

finally goes to sleep - at this point it’s worth saying I have been up early and through the night for the past 3 weeks dealing with a sick and therefore stroppy toddler, working, studying. Also 5 months pregnant with a high risk pregnancy. DP also has a snoring issue so much so the neighbour has commented which has been exacerbated by sore throat, I decide I’m going to have a nap myself and take an hour before picking DD up from nursery, DP still in bed. Go and get daughter, come back.

DP still unable to move. Sitting on sofa in vegetative like state. Get DD bathed put her to bed which is an hour and a half of me lieing next to her staring at the ceiling until she drifts off. She’s asleep, cut her nails then put her into her bed.

Get up, come into front room - go to put toast on as starving. “Can you make me some toast please” yes okay make toast give it - then make my toast. I decide to call it a day get shower get into bed.

5am this morning my daughter has already clambered into our bed in middle of the night. DP gets up sulking saying he’s not well and DD is snoring (pot kettle) and goes to the sofa, Waking DD up. DD awake now and grumpy and also in front room - DP “oh please give it a rest I’m not well” DD scared of dark so upset about light - so DP walks back into bedroom “fine I’ll go back in the bedroom” tells me I’ll have to get up with DD.

I said “and who is the toddler in this situation”. He shouts back “I have a throat infection” I then say well sometimes you just have to get on with it don’t you like I have to, cast your mind back to amount of times I’ve been sick and your life goes on as normal and I just have to get on with it” then he shouts “oh fuck off you cunt I have a throat infection”. I said if you didn’t take the piss usually then it wouldn’t be so bad but you need to grow up.

I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic but this is now day 4 and it’s a bit boring. And I feel a bit taken the piss out off. Every day normally I get up get baby ready take her to nursery and go to work. Every day he gets up gets himself ready and goes to work. When I’m at work and he’s off I’m still expected to get up get ready get baby ready fed watered whilst he stays in bed until I’m literally walking out the door.

I’ve been sick multiple times due to whatever has been bought home from the nursery but life goes on! Me and DD now in the front room on episode 4 of peppa pig. I’m livid about calling me a cunt. He made a comment last night about the hoovering (as I’d had my first nap in about 2 years on my day off, just got over a sick toddler and now another one, also as I said 5 months pregnant) and he’s unable to move any part of his body. Considering hoovering the bedroom right this very second seeing as it’s as urgent as he made out. The tumble dryer could also do with going on.

I just know this is now what I have to deal with the entire day on top of my DD who is going to be overtired from 11am due to being woken up by my 43 year old DPs tantrum. (She refuses to nap)

Your dp sounds awful. Sadly you are having another child with this waste of space. You need a serious chat.

If it's anything like the virus we've just had I do sympathise - it is horrific. Most ill I've ever felt, could swallow, lost my voice coughing up bloody mucus.

That said, I'm a single mum and so carried on as normal. So am entirely on your side. He needs to take his meds and get on with it whilst you are both on the thick of it it with pregnancy/toddler hood.

Hope he feels better soon, for your sake!!

What a wanker. Probably has the 'dressing gown of doom' too, no doubt.

A grown man who can't make toast or arrange a GP appointment. He sounds a catch.
It's not just when he's unwell either by the sounds of it, he sounds like a monumental thunder cunt and your life would be easier and nicer without him in it.
It's a throat infection FFS. Yes it's unpleasant but unless he's got some underlying health issue (and even then he is still behaving like a monumental thunder cunt) he doesn't have any right to be abusive like this.

He sounds pretty awful. I think you also need to own some of the issue where neither of you are communicating, sounds like you’re both storing up resentment then spilling it out in passive aggressive/ aggressive outbursts. So maybe you both need to be a bit more grown up on that front.
im really sorry you’re having a hard time, its really important you schedule some rest and tlc in on a daily basis, especially before baby comes, or you’re soon going to be burnt out.
its probably worth looking into some gentle and kind sleep training for your daughter or you’re going to be stressed out of your mind trying to settle her while you have a new born and tending to to them both in the night x

So he’s an arsehole and you’ve chosen to have another baby with him 🤷‍♀️ not sure what you want out of this. You have to wonder if your toddler is stroppy because of her age or because she’s learning shit behaviour from her dad. Although you’ve picked this life I’d still make it clear to him it’s not ok to name call.

He needs to be held accountable for calling you a cunt. It must never happen again. He needs to understand this.

the biggest problem you have here though is his complete lack of respect for you and treating you like a servant and default parent. He is a lazy arse and it’s disgusting. He sees DD as your job, sexist pig. It has to change now or you need to end things. Two children is hard. Who is going to everything for DD when you are breastfeeding (if you choose to) and looking after a tiny baby? He has to start doing it now so DD gets used to it. If he isn’t willing to he isn’t worth your time and you’re better off without him. Don’t settle for this prick. The sore throat is a red herring, the real problem is his attitude to parenthood and being in a relationship

Oh @Mostaggrieved . You poor thing, you are totally in the right but why oh why do we let ourselves get in this situation.

you realise once you’ve had baby 2 he isn’t going to step up? You’ll be up all night dealing with a newborn and still up with the toddler whilst he rests because “he tired/ it’s a lot”/ he is at work” . God forbid you have a difficult delivery you need to heal from as it doesn’t sound like he will be doing much.

Been with my DP 35 years, had 4 kids, navigated being ill with toddlers etc. and managed to do the whole thing without calling each other names. I would really struggle to get over being called a cunt.

I think him resting is acceptable, though it's annoying that women rarely get the same consideration when ill. It's expecting you to actively care for him, make appointments for him, drive him to the doctor etc as well that is especially annoying. You aren't his mother. While he is ill you will keep other stuff ticking over; he can look after himself (assuming it's a big standard throat infection and he's not seriously ill with sepsis or whatever).

Absolutely this. Can't believe your having another child with this cretin. He seems to have zero respect for you and treats you like a doormat

This isn’t about him being ill though – he must be an awful partner in general otherwise you wouldn’t mind a week’s blip of him being useless and calling you names would be completely out of character.

So if he’s awful in general, then why are you with him? Why do you crack on you’re unwell? And why did you decide to have another child with him?

He sounds unpleasant, OP, but where’s your ownership of getting yourself into this relationship?

Its bewildering isn't it why women would choose to have children with such horrible pathetic men.

I have made comment about when the new baby comes to him. He was a total nightmare when DD was born he could not handle the 2 hour wakes. I had to stay in hospital a bit longer and the ward sister said to him they don’t usually let dads stay on the ward but mums exhausted and poorly so as they’d given me a room they’d be happy for him to stay. He declined as he thought the hospital room was too hot.

I did resent him for that but slowly got over it and put it down to just not coping as a first time parent.

He is a brat. He’s never been able to cope with any form of sickness but he really must grow up. I also think he may have some sort of undiagnosed sleep apnea which needs addressed as part of the reason our DD is waking up is due to the snoring rattling through the entire house (and next doors)

I won’t allow it with this baby though he’s already been warned.

I appreciate he may be unwell but it’s hard to not compare it to the times I’ve not been right but just had to get through it.

he is a sight as pp mentioned in his dressing gown of doom on - an old pair of my slippers and his daughters pink elephant blanket. There’s groaning sounds made with every movement of his body and my sympathy has completely run out

If he was my husband I’d have told him in no uncertain terms if you every call me that again that sore throat will be the least of your worries, you overgrown man child and be careful when you’re asleep someone doesn’t strangle your sore throat and from now on look after yourself as I have enough to do, you have a sore throat not an amputated leg.

Except you’ve already allowed it, why? What makes you think he will change when you add in another small human? You’ve not addressed the issue before getting pregnant again, and now you’re pregnant it’s ’when the baby comes I won’t allow it’ so you’re delaying it again. Why not start insisting on changes right now? He isn’t going to have a personality transplant at some point in the future OP

Well soon you will have 2 children and him, why are you putting up with this and why have a second, it happens again and again and yet the people who wonder why are considered the crazy ones

What makes you think anything will be easier or you'll be happier by having another baby with him when he's already shown you who he is on multiple occasions? Why are you even with him?

He sounds awful and I couldn’t put up with that behaviour, you have pandered to him though. He should be making his own GP appointment, making his own toast. It’s a throat infection not life fe threatening illness

He sounds absolutely awful. You have pretty much waited on him hand and foot for the past four days while working and parenting single handed with a high risk pregnancy.

From what you have said, he does the bare minimum with your child even when he isn't ill, leaving everything to you, even though you work too.

Do you need/want to stay with him? Could you cope on your own?

There’s no excuse for calling you that name, I would definitely address this and expect an apology before doing anything else for him, we all get ill, but that’s not an excuse to call you that.

You both need to make changes. And yes calling you a cu t is unacceptable

Does he bring anything positive to your life? You don’t have to spend yours taking care of a selfish man child.

I'd make him move out. What a selfish twat.

Honestly most of the reason is repeating inter generational trauma. I have had similar and it’s taken a huge amount of work to start correcting life long habits and mistakes. My parents relationship is/ was toxic, I didn’t actually know what a healthy relationship looked like. I thought I was in love and “men were just men/ can’t expect him to change a nappy/ men are useless” as that’s what my own mother had been telling me for years. It wasn’t until I had my own children (and so leaving wasn’t as simple) that I actually realised what a mess I was in.

the unpopular point tho, is altho the husband is definitely culpable and an arsehole, it took a lot of work on myself to realise my own behaviour and how I was making choices to allow it.

my mother still can’t see it. Her life is dictated by what my father will or won’t allow.

Don't lift a finger for him anymore.
He has lost that privilege with this latest outburst. Tell him so. Also make it clearly that even before that you were getting tired of his moping and childishness.

I had a similar situation in December. I told him to leave once he was better (he basically had pneumonia and narrowly avoided a hospital stay, but still didn't need to be such an ass to me and the kids). He changed and stepped up a lot by a week later and things have been better since. But if he hadn't I would be a single parent right now and better off for it.