I have moved out with eldest daughter due to the way my wife treats her.

[George805]

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

Family counselling?
Maybe the fact that you’ve made this stand will help your wife to understand the impact of her behaviour? I hope so..
Another factor is the relationship between the two siblings. Your wife’s behaviour is going to drive a wedge between the girls unless she changes.

You're a great dad for standing up for your daughter. Your wife sounds like a superficial mean bitch (sorry). I think your daughter will be just fine having a loving dad doting on her in the long run. Now it's time to be practical : can you stay at your parents? Is your wife open to a third party involvment (counselling)?

Yes the op has pulled his wife up on it many times...tonight the eldest reacted and it was the final straw

Very close childhood friend grew up with pretty much exactly this shit - thankfully had her grandmother to advocate for her and ended up living there due to dad who couldn't stand up for her and call out mum. We are almost 50 now and the effects of her mother's behaviour have carried with her throughout her life. Really difficult.

Hope you can find a way through this OP.

I don't know what is going to happen with your eldest.
But well done for protecting her.
I've read many times on MN how the husband lets the wife or the wife let's the husband treat a child different from the others.

I just want to say well done to you for taking action, and taking this seriously. I was your daughter in this situation and it was my younger sister who was idolised by my mother and I knew, from a similar age as your eldest, that I was treated differently. Hopefully you can get both your daughters some therapy as the golden child is also being abused by your wife. Your wife clearly needs a lot of therapy herself, although I really think anyone who would treat her own kids this way is very disturbed. I currently am NC with my entire family of origin, I would hate for your daughter to go through that but it may be inevitable if your wife can’t change her ways.

Ok Id say not coming back at least until we’ve seen a professional who can help you understand how damaging your behavior is for DD1. Your behavior is unforgivable and the fact that you deny it is even worse.

What are you showing the youngest though? How is any of it her fault, yet she has her world ripped apart as well. You can't have one kid and not the other.

This is what I'm worried about, I'm so worried it could lead to things such as eating disorders or mental health struggles. My wife didn't even react when I told her that our 8 year old daughter is crying saying she is ugly, I'm just sorry it took me so long to leave with her.

You don't need to say anything till you know yourself, you also need to plan so you can give answers, as she will have questions - like where will we live?
Glad you are at grandparents hopefully she will have a calm evening.

It's your call but I'm assuming as well as pissed your wife will be worried, drop her a simple message saying you and DD are safe and need space.

And that's all you got from this heartfelt post?

Why on earth would you leave one of your children behind? That is appalling. You’ve protected one at the expense of the other.

Because my eldest needs time away from both her mum and sister, her sister is nasty towards her, I love both my children but yes at the moment my eldest who's been sat sobbing saying she's fat and ugly is my priority at present

Both your DC deserve to be treated equally well by both parents. By removing only one, you are treating your younger DD very unequally. What on earth are you trying to do to her???

It's possible that you packing a bag and leaving to protect your DD from her mum will give your wife the wake-up call she needed to realise that there really is an issue with the way she is setting up a golden child/scapegoat dynamic. She can't brush it off if you've reacted this way.

I'd tell her where you are and that you're both safe, you're going to sleep on it tonight but that you need a serious talk tomorrow. I don't know if family therapy is a thing but maybe having therapy as a family is a possible condition of your and your DD's return?

Well done for standing up to her.
As a mum you don't say you have more in common with one child when they are only 6 and 8 . That's horrid and pathetic. I would understand if the kids were adults and shared hobbies with parents .
But you have 2 very young children and at that age parents should make the effort to show equal interest in both .
Mental health wise she is setting them both up for problems. Spoiling one is also bad .
But the body image and confidence problems your eldest is already showing signs off is a big worry.
To be rejected at such a young age by your own mother is awful.
I hope this is her wake up call to be a better mum to both of them

You sound like a great dad. Your eldest sounds lovely too. I'm sorry your wife is like this, please do keep advocating for your daughter. Family counselling might be a good place to start, as suggested by pp

Her sister is only 6, year 1? Why is she being blamed for any of it. I've noticed Dads often favour first born girls so just be careful yourself here that you're not straying into favoritism of your quirky, bug loving eldest dd.

Thank you. I wish my dad had done the same.

Thankfully as we've got older my sister sees our mum for what she is. Neither of us have a relationship with her.

Similarly, my sister got a lot and I didn't in comparison. If our mum didn't want to take me to a club, she'd make out I did something wrong. I also remember clearly my dad had bought me a slightly more expensive gift than my sister, so she made out I didn't deserve it and I had to watch my sister receive this gift not knowing my dad had also got something for me. She was fuming with me when he gave it the next day.

I really suggest getting your child some therapy now. Cafcass will likely get involved if it goes to court.

I have no experience of this but I do know that your daughters will be asked by CAFCASS to give their views. Be wary that the mother could accuse you of alienating the eldest daughter. I would arrange for therapy for your oldest daughter as soon as possible with the view to the therapist being able to make a report in future, so the daughter's views can be captured before enough time can pass that it could be said you have influenced her. Write down concrete examples of her treatment of the eldest, with times and dates if possible.

The eldest daughter needs him right now.
The youngest daughter already has support.
I’ve seen the sort of unequal parenting the op describes and it’s very damaging.
He’s doing his best in the circumstances. There is no perfect solution ( for the moment anyway) as his eldest daughter needs to know she is being prioritised right now.

I’m so glad most posters are giving the OP good and kind advice.
Men don’t always get treated well on here .

I've noticed Dads often favour first born girls so just be careful yourself here that you're not straying into favoritism of your quirky, bug loving eldest dd

lol you’ve noticed that, have you? What a load of bollocks. Desperately grasping at straws because he’s (presumably) a man and you can’t bear to say anything kind.

The youngest is not being affected any more than the eldest at this exact time.
the youngest enjoys being with her
Mother. It may be right that the mother has her 50:50 if the youngest wants this. If the eldest doesn’t want to see her mother and the father and experts deem the mother is damaging her then it may be that the father gets full custody of her.

personally I’d go for full custody of both as the youngest is getting terrible parenting from the mother.

Some posters being deliberately obtuse on this thread OP, you did a courageous thing but I honestly don't know how it will play out. Relate do family therapy - you could go back and see your wife, agree to have a private meeting maybe grandparents could have kids, and tell her she agrees to family therapy or you'll have to separate - but how that would affect both children I don't know; I can see either of the girls thinking its all "their fault" one way or another.

Another option would be for you to see a family therapist on your own and see if they have any advice on what to do next. I think maybe see if your wife will take this on board - but I am 100% sure that what she's doing is damaging to both girls.