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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have moved out with eldest daughter due to the way my wife treats her.

454 replies

George805 · 15/04/2025 19:34

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

OP posts:
OpheliaWasntMad · 15/04/2025 21:07

Tandora · 15/04/2025 21:06

Her sister is 6!!

I don’t know what is wrong with mumsnet sometimes that people are condoning this.

If it were the mother who posted there’s no way on earth people would be saying this was ok.

Edited
Show quote history

I don’t think there is any perfect answer here ( unless the mother changes her ways )

XelaM · 15/04/2025 21:07

FortyElephants · 15/04/2025 19:50

It's very unlikely if not impossible that you would get your eldest full time if it went through court. They would expect parity for both children. However you can keep her in your care for the time being, while you sort out some family therapy maybe. You do need to work towards her having time with both parents. Are you actually saying you want to split permanently from your wife?

I know three couples where the father kept one and the mother the other child following divorce (it was probably by consent though).

lauraloulou1 · 15/04/2025 21:07

If you have evidence of emotional abuse court could go your way potentially but they would prefer and you should try to sort this the two of you ahead of this. Your poor eldest daughter - and youngest learning that being cruel gets her mothers love. What you need to do is stay at your parents and listen to your feelings. Partners can act in such a way that makes you lose respect for them and once its gone its gone - and it sounds like this has happened with your wife. She could have prevented this by listening to and acting on your concerns. Trust your instincts - both daughters need more from both of you. Good luck OP x

Omgblueskys · 15/04/2025 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This isn't just about today tho is it,
This was the straw that broke the camels back'
Op has has picked up on difference in treatments and favouritism of children over time,
And he hasn't gone on the run or into hiding, there visiting grandparents for god sake, just maybe op needs some head space the think this out while protecting his daughter,

OpheliaWasntMad · 15/04/2025 21:08

Orwellsunshine · 15/04/2025 21:07

I am worried about your youngest daughter. She is still extremely young and cannot be held responsible for any of this. She needs an equal share of your love and attention. You are right that your wife is being unfair to your older girl, but you should not try and correct this by being unfair to your younger one. The best way to sort this is to keep the girls together (maybe 50 per cent with you, 50 per cent of the time with your wife) and to ensure they are treated fairly at all times. I know that’s going to be difficult but it has to be the answer.

I agree with this completely.

Simplynotsimple · 15/04/2025 21:09

VirgosNeedGoals · 15/04/2025 20:57

You're a brilliant Dad! I must say until towards the end of your post I thought your wife was their stepmother. Shocking that a woman can treat her own daughters so differently and the only reason anyone on here is defending her is because they despise all men, including the decent ones who are clearly 100% in the right. Good luck x

No one is defending the mother. They are blatantly falling over themselves to be the OP’s ‘mum defenders’ when it’s very clear that he’s not one of the ‘decent ones’ when it comes to the 6 year old child in this story. A mother so vile her eldest needs removing immediately and he have full custody, but fine to leave a 6 year old, cos she’s ’just like her mum, a bit of a bully, nasty to her sister, oh it’s ok he’ll try and have her half the time but leave her with the neglectful parent for now.’.

Imagine if a woman came on here saying she’s left her 6 year old son with her shit of an ex but taken her eldest with her when leaving emotional abuse, because the 6 year old is a ‘like his dad/turning into a bully’. Think posters are falling over themselves for all the wrong reasons.

Tandora · 15/04/2025 21:09

OpheliaWasntMad · 15/04/2025 21:07

I don’t think there is any perfect answer here ( unless the mother changes her ways )

Show quote history

You do not kidnap one of your children, leaving the other behind on the spur of the moment over an argument about a bunny teddy. It’s outrageous that people are condoning this behaviour.

There are plenty of other ways to address a situation like this.

CautiousLurker01 · 15/04/2025 21:09

FortyElephants · 15/04/2025 19:50

It's very unlikely if not impossible that you would get your eldest full time if it went through court. They would expect parity for both children. However you can keep her in your care for the time being, while you sort out some family therapy maybe. You do need to work towards her having time with both parents. Are you actually saying you want to split permanently from your wife?

I disagree - the court has to centre the children’s needs and wishes. If the eldest DD choses to remain with OP full time, and especially if OP explains his reasons for separation are predicated upon his wife’s psychological abuse of his eldest, most family courts would be supportive. I suspect that the wife may not contest it anyway. The fight will be about 50/50 custody of the youngest.

OP, please arrange for her to receive counselling and speak to her GP asap so you have this documented as you will need to. If you call and speak to reception and explain the concerns they should be able to advise you. You may also need to contact social services, given you have taken your eldest from her home and your wife may kick off, so I would be on the offensive and get in there first. They will in fact help with parenting issues and also support you both should you chose to remain together. Their focus is on the wellbeing of the children,

Lastly, as the daughter of a toxic and abusive mother - thank you. Your daughter needed you to step in and show her that she is deeply loved and valued and that no one, especially her mother, should treat her this way. Good luck.

ElbowsUp · 15/04/2025 21:10

Tandora · 15/04/2025 21:04

So you’ve kidnapped your dd? No that’s not ok

Dont say stupid things just for the thrill of being a twat x

KateShugakIsALegend · 15/04/2025 21:10

I think your eldest daughter is lucky to have you.

Stay strong.

Tandora · 15/04/2025 21:10

ElbowsUp · 15/04/2025 21:10

Dont say stupid things just for the thrill of being a twat x

Show quote history

That’s literally what he has done?

Simplynotsimple · 15/04/2025 21:10

Omgblueskys · 15/04/2025 21:08

This isn't just about today tho is it,
This was the straw that broke the camels back'
Op has has picked up on difference in treatments and favouritism of children over time,
And he hasn't gone on the run or into hiding, there visiting grandparents for god sake, just maybe op needs some head space the think this out while protecting his daughter,

Show quote history

Whilst being an awful dad to the other, yeah seems normally behaviour that should be applauded. Would definitely be praised if a mum came here saying exactly the same thing about leaving one child behind for the reasons he has.

CarlyCoffee · 15/04/2025 21:11

Oh she’ll fight it. She’ll fight it because of how bad it’ll look if she doesn’t.

Hastentoadd · 15/04/2025 21:12

George805 · 15/04/2025 19:34

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

Wow, I obviously don’t know you but I think you are a fantastic dad, what your wife was doing to your eldest daughter was tremendously damaging and could have left emotional scars for life and still could, it was actually emotional abuse, the poor little girl, well done for getting her out
I hope it all works out for ye❤️❤️❤️

Tandora · 15/04/2025 21:12

Simplynotsimple · 15/04/2025 21:10

Whilst being an awful dad to the other, yeah seems normally behaviour that should be applauded. Would definitely be praised if a mum came here saying exactly the same thing about leaving one child behind for the reasons he has.

Show quote history

100%. This whole thread is a disgrace. If a woman posted this she would be eviscerated. .

Utterlyridiculous · 15/04/2025 21:12

Good for you for taking swift action once you realised. Your wife cannot be allowed to continue to harm your daughter like that. It sounds like you’ll have a tough time ahead - prepare yourself for DARVO and gaslighting from her.
Most importantly though, your daughter will always know that you protected her and know that she’s worthy of respect and love.

choccytime · 15/04/2025 21:13

Well done OP for being there for your daughter , your wife sounds nasty

HornungTheHelpful · 15/04/2025 21:14

allydoobs83 · 15/04/2025 21:06

Well done,OP,for ensuring your kids weren't present when you confronted your wife.
I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice for you,except to go with your gut and continue to protect your eldest daughter from her mother,as it sounds like she needs it. I'm so sorry that you and your eldest are in this position.

I agree he needs to do that, but I also think he could have done it without deprioritising his other child. I have 3, one of whom lacks confidence and needs bolstering, but I have to do this without taking away from the two who need less (don’t always manage it - but I think mostly I do). Here I think leaving one is obviously very damaging, particularly as wife is apparently the problem and it’s so extreme.

Getting it wrong now could really hurt the youngest.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 15/04/2025 21:14

6 year old has already clocked and learned that it's okay to bully her sister. From mum.

This is awful.

JLou08 · 15/04/2025 21:15

I think you should consider custody of both girls to help them build a relationship and nip the bullying behaviour you see in the bud. Them living separate is likely to feed into more resentment and more of a 'mums favourite' and 'dads favourite'. Mum should have some 1:1 time with both girls and some time with them together.

HornungTheHelpful · 15/04/2025 21:15

Thisisittheapocalypse · 15/04/2025 21:14

6 year old has already clocked and learned that it's okay to bully her sister. From mum.

This is awful.

So she needs to be away from Mum and with someone who makes it clear it’s completely unacceptable every time it happens

TeeBee · 15/04/2025 21:15

You've done absolutely the right thing OP. You cannot possibly sit and watch your wife destroy your eldest daughter's self-esteem.

Utterlyridiculous · 15/04/2025 21:16

I do agree that the ‘golden child’ is also being damaged and should be away from the abusive wife also. Take them both away until she changes. They both need you to protect them - they also need each other and need to heal together.

SuperTrooper14 · 15/04/2025 21:16

Well done for advocating for your eldest. You have told your wife repeatedly that she's harming her child and still she's done nothing to modify her behaviour. She should be ashamed.

Simplynotsimple · 15/04/2025 21:17

Utterlyridiculous · 15/04/2025 21:12

Good for you for taking swift action once you realised. Your wife cannot be allowed to continue to harm your daughter like that. It sounds like you’ll have a tough time ahead - prepare yourself for DARVO and gaslighting from her.
Most importantly though, your daughter will always know that you protected her and know that she’s worthy of respect and love.

Well one of his daughters will. The other will be at the start of a long journey of wonder why dad didn’t think she was good enough to be taken with her sister. I’m sure she’ll understand it’s because her sister needs protection at all cost not just from their awful mother, but from her as well. Because she has her mums shallow adoration which is a great height to fall from over the years, and her father tarring her as just like her mother and therefore not deserving of his full emotional support.

At age 6. Just so we are clear.