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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have moved out with eldest daughter due to the way my wife treats her.

454 replies

George805 · 15/04/2025 19:34

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

OP posts:
XWKD · 16/04/2025 17:56

I think your youngest will also have problems if she grows with her self-esteem based on her looks.

Jewel52 · 16/04/2025 18:31

BelfastBard · 16/04/2025 15:09

Lots of mums come on here and describe other 6 year olds picking on their children as bullies. Do you jump on them too?

Show quote history

Not jumping on the op at all. Just responding to what he’s written - he dislikes his wife as a trivial, appearances driven person and so he’s looking for the same in her favourite child and finding it.

Is it likely that one child is all sweetness and light and the other is a monster at 6?

I think this couple don’t want to be married anymore and the children are the collateral damage.

ThreenagerCentral · 16/04/2025 18:32

Definitely sleep on it. At this point, if your wife can adjust the way she’s treating your daughters it can just be a storm in a teacup - manageable and not causing long term damage. If you separate over this specific issue though, you are forever cementing in both of your daughter’s minds that your wife treated them differently. They don’t get to grow up together and they will always feel like they’re competing. Your younger daughter will feel you’ve rejected her by choosing the eldest. Don’t take this decision lightly, it could cause even more damage.

Crackanut · 16/04/2025 18:43

Jewel52 · 16/04/2025 18:31

Not jumping on the op at all. Just responding to what he’s written - he dislikes his wife as a trivial, appearances driven person and so he’s looking for the same in her favourite child and finding it.

Is it likely that one child is all sweetness and light and the other is a monster at 6?

I think this couple don’t want to be married anymore and the children are the collateral damage.

Show quote history

Monster? Not one person has called her that except you.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/04/2025 18:47

I’ve been thinking about you a lot today OP. I hope you’ve managed to access some support and are starting to see a way forward. You sound like a wonderful dad, your daughters are lucky to have you.

ThePoliteLion · 16/04/2025 18:55

I’m sorry your family is in this situation. As others have said, take legal advice from a specialist family law solicitor as soon as you can. I wish you all the best.

Cheeseplease23 · 16/04/2025 19:02

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/04/2025 18:47

I’ve been thinking about you a lot today OP. I hope you’ve managed to access some support and are starting to see a way forward. You sound like a wonderful dad, your daughters are lucky to have you.

This, wishing you all the best. Keep strong.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 16/04/2025 20:16

Jewel52 · 16/04/2025 18:31

Not jumping on the op at all. Just responding to what he’s written - he dislikes his wife as a trivial, appearances driven person and so he’s looking for the same in her favourite child and finding it.

Is it likely that one child is all sweetness and light and the other is a monster at 6?

I think this couple don’t want to be married anymore and the children are the collateral damage.

Show quote history

I agree with this.

kitteninabasket · 17/04/2025 10:06

Jewel52 · 16/04/2025 18:31

Not jumping on the op at all. Just responding to what he’s written - he dislikes his wife as a trivial, appearances driven person and so he’s looking for the same in her favourite child and finding it.

Is it likely that one child is all sweetness and light and the other is a monster at 6?

I think this couple don’t want to be married anymore and the children are the collateral damage.

Show quote history

He said 'I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully', not that she was a 'monster'.

Of course 6 year olds can be bullies. Signs of bullying behaviour can be observed in children much earlier than age 6. This is very well established in developmental psychology.

BusyMum47 · 17/04/2025 10:34

@George805

Massive respect to you for trying to be the absolute best parent that each of your girls needs, despite how tough it will inevitably be. You're an amazing dad. Your girls are lucky. The youngest probably won't think so for a while but your eldest will never forget how you saw her & put her first. All the very best.

ZoggyStirdust · 17/04/2025 11:39

HornungTheHelpful · 15/04/2025 23:40

Do you think his youngest daughter is lucky to have him?

Show quote history

I do.

he’s reacted to the immediate short term issue, and is acknowledging there is longer term work to do, whatever that may look like.

he clearly loves both his kids. Op I really feel
for you but well done, keep using mumsnet going forward (and I’m sure you can filter out the good supportive advice from the biased rubbish)

ZoggyStirdust · 17/04/2025 11:43

Purplehat123 · 16/04/2025 07:19

First of all, I want to say how deeply validating it is that you’re seeing and advocating for your eldest daughter in a situation where her emotional needs are clearly not being met. Your awareness and willingness to protect her are essential first steps in disrupting a painful family dynamic.

From what you’ve described, your wife is extremely emotional immature and this is playing out in ways harmful to your daughter. Emotional immaturity often looks like:

  • Seeing children as extensions of oneself, rather than as separate individuals with their own personalities, needs, and preferences. This can result in favouring the child who is most “like” them or who reflects back their own values and interests.
  • Difficulty regulating emotions, leading to defensiveness or inability to take accountability when confronted.
  • Conditional love or attention, where affection is tied to appearance, performance, or compliance, rather than offered unconditionally.
  • Inability to offer attunement, which is the ability to meet a child where they are emotionally and show genuine curiosity and acceptance of who they are.

Your eldest daughter seems to be internalising this treatment in devastating ways—believing she is “ugly,” and thinking that changing her likes or personality might earn her mother’s love. This isn’t simply a parenting style issue—it’s an emotional injury that can have lifelong effects on self-worth, identity formation, and the way she seeks out love and validation in the future.

It also sounds like your youngest may be learning from this dynamic too—being placed on a pedestal can be just as damaging, as it teaches her that worth is conditional, performative, and based on external factors like looks and attention. Over time, this can foster entitlement, insecurity, and even cruelty toward others who are not similarly affirmed.

What You Can Do:

  1. Continue being the safe parent. Your presence, empathy, and validation are a powerful antidote to what your daughter is experiencing. Keep affirming her interests, her mind, her creativity, and her emotional depth. Make it clear that her value has nothing to do with how she compares to her sister.
  2. Get professional support. You’re absolutely right that therapy would benefit your eldest—particularly with a child therapist who can help her process the self-image issues and feelings of rejection she’s internalising. Family therapy could also be a long-term goal if your wife becomes open to it.
  3. Consider co-parenting counseling. If your wife is open to it, a skilled therapist could help her reflect on these patterns and how they’re impacting both children. This would need to be approached with care, ideally with a professional who can gently but clearly hold up a mirror to the behaviours in question.
  4. Establish healthy boundaries. You’re not wrong to consider temporary separation between your daughter and her mother if her mental health is being affected. Courts tend to be cautious with anything that resembles parental alienation, so document everything factually—dates, behaviours, your daughter’s statements—while keeping your tone focused on your daughter’s wellbeing rather than assigning blame. A lawyer familiar with family dynamics and child psychology may be helpful in guiding this.
  5. Reframe for your wife (if possible). Sometimes emotionally immature parents will only reflect when they see their own potential loss. If you do eventually respond to her, try saying something like,
  6. “I need space right now because I’ve seen the damage that’s being done to [eldest], and I’m focused on protecting her emotional wellbeing. This is not about punishment or revenge—it’s about healing. If you’re open to therapy or support to help you connect with both girls equally, I’ll support that process. But I can’t let this dynamic continue unchecked.”

Finally, trust your instincts. You’ve shown immense strength and clarity by stepping in when you saw harm being done. Your daughter will remember that you fought for her to feel safe, loved, and seen—and that matters more than you know.

Great post

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 17/04/2025 12:32

That is a brilliant post from @Purplehat123 I hope @George805 comes back and reads it.

kitteninabasket · 17/04/2025 13:04

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 17/04/2025 12:32

That is a brilliant post from @Purplehat123 I hope @George805 comes back and reads it.

It's a ChatGPT post.

TonTonMacoute · 17/04/2025 13:18

JoBrodie · 17/04/2025 11:24

I don't have anything useful to add (other than to wish you well of course) but I thought this book 'Bugwatching' might interest your elder daughter https://bsky.app/profile/bugeric.bsky.social/post/3lml26qngqs2f - it's due to be published in UK at end of July and it's about £20.

Jo

I was also going to recommend the Buzz Club which all sorts of citizen science projects OP and his daughter could get involved in - or, even better, maybe the whole family!

Buzz Club

Wildlife Gardening & Science | The Buzz Club | United Kingdom

Take part in fun citizen science projects in your garden with the Buzz Club, to find out more about your local wildlife and help research.

https://www.thebuzzclub.uk/

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 17/04/2025 13:55

kitteninabasket · 17/04/2025 13:04

It's a ChatGPT post.

Show quote history

How do you know @kitteninabasket? Genuine question - how did you find that out? @Purplehat123 has been posting for a while and seems genuine, but if that is just chatGTP then I think it needs to be reported? Confused but willing to be educated!

Sodthesystem · 17/04/2025 14:33

Random note op but, I was just thinking your child could be very vulnerable in a few years to trans activism online. Be very very careful to teach her that girls can do and be anything they like. And can like bugs and play videogames and sports etc... you don't want her feeling something is 'wrong' with her turning into 'i must be a boy'.

Get her involved with some groups or team activity maybe. Maybe she'd like brownies if it's in your area. And keep close eye on her internet use.

Sodthesystem · 17/04/2025 14:44

And if there are any women working in fields she likes then you can talk about them and the amazing work they do too.

I'm sure women have discovered new species of bugs for a start and named them. Maybe 'when they were on a wild adventure into the Amazon jungle where you have to use your wits to survive'.

I'd also have a chat with her about superficiality. That it doesn't matter how you look or dress if you are also going to act like a jerk. That it's much better to be a nice person and love the things you love and dress however makes you happy.

kitteninabasket · 17/04/2025 15:32

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 17/04/2025 13:55

How do you know @kitteninabasket? Genuine question - how did you find that out? @Purplehat123 has been posting for a while and seems genuine, but if that is just chatGTP then I think it needs to be reported? Confused but willing to be educated!

Show quote history

The phrasing and the formatting. It’s just really obvious if you’re used to using ChatGPT.

TonTonMacoute · 17/04/2025 16:13

The advice in @Purplehat123's post is extremely good and clear. If they have put the circumstances as reported by OP into AI, and copied them here I don't see a particular problem with that.

I use ChatGPT quite a lot these days, if used carefully it saves a huge amount of time.

ZoggyStirdust · 17/04/2025 17:11

TonTonMacoute · 17/04/2025 16:13

The advice in @Purplehat123's post is extremely good and clear. If they have put the circumstances as reported by OP into AI, and copied them here I don't see a particular problem with that.

I use ChatGPT quite a lot these days, if used carefully it saves a huge amount of time.

Yeah this. I’m no fan of AI posts or pretending to be real people but this post seems to be good advice. If it is AI then it’s hit the spot on this occasion

cloudbusting123 · 18/04/2025 08:16

You sound like a great dad and you are advocating for your daughter. Her knowing that you are on her side and have noticed how she is being treated is not ok is so important to her. I think you are doing the right thing and you need some professional support on how to move forward with this. It will obviously depend on how much your wife is willing to work on the issues she has. Good luck OP!

Lesleyann25 · 18/04/2025 11:24

Sodthesystem · 17/04/2025 14:33

Random note op but, I was just thinking your child could be very vulnerable in a few years to trans activism online. Be very very careful to teach her that girls can do and be anything they like. And can like bugs and play videogames and sports etc... you don't want her feeling something is 'wrong' with her turning into 'i must be a boy'.

Get her involved with some groups or team activity maybe. Maybe she'd like brownies if it's in your area. And keep close eye on her internet use.

Omg this post has really triggered me. My daughter only stayed with her father 2 nights a week I made sure it was a school night so he had limited contact bevause he is verbally abusive. I couldn’t prove this so tried to figure a way that I had most of the custody. Now she is older I believe he has been acting in a similar way with my daughter and his younger child with wife. She refuses now to stay over night and seems confused about her identity. I have arranged therapy to start next week I hope it’s not too late. My beautiful daughter has been made to feel she is not enough as she is. He did it will me too still did it for 10 years until I recently demanded he does not contact me she is old enough to communicate on her own. These abusive parents disgust me and it disgusts me that the courts do not recognise this type of abuse.

Christmaschildcare · 30/07/2025 21:50

How are things @George805 ?