I have moved out with eldest daughter due to the way my wife treats her.

[George805]

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

FWIW. OP I think you’ve done the right thing before anymore damage is done to your daughter. This sort of thing can put someone in therapy for years . You must make very clear that your daughter wasn’t moved because her mum hates her / she’s not pretty enough doesn’t wear the ‘ right ‘ clothes etc etc . I can’t believe your wife can be so cruel .

What did your wife actually say when you told her about your eldest and the jellycat? Because those words were straight from your daughter’s mouth. Is there a way that your daughter can express her feelings to mum with you as support. Maybe just both of you agree to sit and listen to her without interruption or excuses. This is a pain that your daughter will carry with her for a long time and it is great that you are advocating for her but you need to fix the issue so that your wife recognises the long term impact of her behaviour towards your daughter.

I can see you’ve had an instant nasty message. These situations are so difficult and when you can see your child’s self worth being worn down by another parent you want to do anything in your power to prevent that be wary asking for advice could put you in the firing line of other mother that favour one child over another etc

This is very good advice

I have no advice, only my father always favoured my sister...why ? I truly don't know.
I just want to say I truly admire your courage to do what you have done, well done for standing by your eldest daughter.
Your wife doesn't deserve you

OP referred to her as a bully

What a difficult situation. While I think you absolutely did the right thing leaving with your eldest, I'm not sure I agree that your youngest will be fine with her mum.
Your wife sounds toxic and unpleasant, probably why your youngest is becoming a bully, so do you really think it's wise to leave your 6: year old with someone like that?
Short term it won't hurt but I'm not sure about longer term.
I don't think that courts like splitting children up but that doesn't mean you couldn't have custody of both girls.
There are no easy answers and the only person who can probably answer your questions is a good solicitor.
So you have done the right thing, your eldest will know you always have her back and that will help her so much but don't neglect your youngest in the process. Being the golden child isn't easy either.

You are a really good dad, OP.
As well as other awful treatment, I've definitely been in your eldest daughter's place and it is horrible. Well done for putting her needs first.

I think that the suggestion was that this was learned behaviour. The younger sibling was attempting to keep her bond with her mother by being unkind to her sister.
This does happen. It’s not the younger siblings fault - as other posters have said she is also a victim.

She's lucky to have you.

Child protection solicitor? You mean you do family law? If you were such a person you wouldn't be talking about parental rights and you would also know that the OP has every legal right to take his child out of the home temporarily and the wife calling the police will not achieve anything.

The fact your wife didn't even react when you told her that her own daughter is crying and feels ugly says it all.

You 100% did the right thing.

Your wife is a bully and needed to hear that.

At this point, I would be summarising the argument you had in writing (but politely), listing examples of her behaviour that are unreasonable and unkind, and re-iterate how her behaviour and favouritism of the younger daughter is isolating her older daughter and making her feel ugly. Make it very clear that you will NOT be tolerating this behaviour any longer, and until she can see how her behaviour is making your daughter feel, and she gives a genuine apology, you and your daughter will NOT be moving back in.

Oh for goodness sake.

The younger one is being treated like a princess by her mum. She is fine.

Eldest is being emotionally neglected and ignored by mum. Her sister isn't being very nice to her either. She is not fine. That is why he has temporarily removed her and only her.

OP, I'm sorry you're getting grief on here. I think you're doing exactly the right thing. I don't know where you'll stand legally.

I wish my dad had protected me from my mum like this, but tbh he worked two jobs so was never at home. I still don’t think he realises, to this day, the level of abuse I got from my mother and eventually my siblings. I’m 54 now and don’t have a relationship, really, by choice with any of them. They messed me up completely, and I couldn’t do it longer.

Your daughter will be forever grateful that you stood up for her. I’ll never understand how “mothers” can be so cruel to their children.

Op sounds like you did a very hard but good thing. Your wife sounds totally blind to her behaviour which is very unfortunate.

Family therapy sounds like a really good option. Until you guys have all made progress in therapy then you can perhaps live separately (I appreciate its so easy to say this and very hard to do).

I hope you all get through this well, sending you strength.

I can understand why you reacted how you did - but my first thought was your daughter opened up to you and this triggered the break up of her family. She may never tell the truth again.
You can see what your wife has done to her - but what your daughter will think is she has been taken away from her mum / her family has been split up.
I think I would have said to her that caterpillar's are beautiful and your mum and sister like bunnies but I like caterpillar's like you do!

It’s shocking isn’t it. A child in crisis needs to be removed and soothed and loved. The mother sounds as narcissistic as they come. Horrible parents these superficial parents are and the just love to have two to triangulate. Makes me effing sick it does.

@FortyElephantsno, in fact I do not practice family law. I’m a senior child protection solicitor for a local authority. Perfectly appropriate to make reference to parental rights here. I think I’ll have to respectfully disagree with your view here.

I think @anon3455 was giving good advice.
The court will not look as kindly on parents who do not keep the other parent properly informed about the whereabouts of their child.

Tell your wife your daughter is safe and you’ll be staying at your parents for a few days. You’d like to discuss how to move forward but things have got to change. See what she says.

When you meet to discuss try and remain calm - use ‘I statements’ (I feel etc) rather than ‘you statements’ so it’s not about piling on blame but having a chance to say how you perceive things and the hurt it’s causing.

Feel for you - horrible situation but I hope this is the wake up call she needs.

I think you should follow your gut, and I'm sure your daughter feels hugely supported by you. You did the right thing distancing yourself, ignore that ridiculous poster.

Child protection law is part of family law. So you’re a family solicitor yet you talk about “custody”, and proclaim that it will be awarded on a 50/50 basis. You might wish to refresh your legal knowledge.

Not quite.

I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully is what he said.

How can you focus on that and ignore this?

my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

Don’t go back.
Your daughter deserves better. What a vile so called mother.