I have moved out with eldest daughter due to the way my wife treats her.

[George805]

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

Let’s assume he didn’t just chuck them in a hedge and leave them there

@George805 you’ve done the right thing and this might be a massive wake up call for your wife. I agree with a previous poster who said not to go back until she’s had counselling to see the damage she’s doing, and even then I’d be saying she’s got one chance.

Bloody well done op, your safeguarding your eldest, the youngest will quickly pick up mum's behaviours and attitudes to eldest and treat her the same because mum does, it's learned behaviour from mum, and of course youngest stays ' the princess, ' of course she's got everything to gain,

This is emotionally abuse op but you know this right, thank god your on it,

Until mum excepts this and actively starts to change towards eldest??
Look into therapy for daughters,

Its heartbreaking how a parent can treat one of her children,

Sorry your in this situation but thank god daughter has you,

You really should have taken both. You do seem to realise that your younger daughter’s unpleasant behaviour comes from her Mum so surely you also recognise that your youngest is also being damaged. Plus now you are behaving in a way that might make a six year old feel that her sister is your favourite. I understand your intentions. But think you need to look at your current treatment of youngest too.

@George805 i think you really need to ram things home with your wife. Collect your other daughter and then message her

for example say despite my best efforts to explain you can not see the harm that you are causing to both our girls. I must insist that you seek therapy regarding this unacceptable behaviour on your part, and family therapy to untangle the mess that this is causing.

I will talk to you but only when you recognise that your favouritism is very harmful.

i hope we can sort this out.

@Startinganew32i think I’m pretty up to speed, but thank you. I don’t practice private family law at all. Perhaps a jurisdictional issue with legal/ layman’s terms you may use that others don’t. In any event- OP can either take well intentioned free legal advice or leave it. I’m sure he’ll take legal advice in due course.

If you work in a local authority legal department you work in family law. Public family law is family law. You will also be expert in private family law since local authority social work departments often cross over with private law and you would be required to give advice in complex cases and even represent the local authority in court. You know perfectly well, if that's true, that parental rights are not a legal concept that is used in the UK, and not a term that a family law practitioner should be using.

You're a brilliant Dad! I must say until towards the end of your post I thought your wife was their stepmother. Shocking that a woman can treat her own daughters so differently and the only reason anyone on here is defending her is because they despise all men, including the decent ones who are clearly 100% in the right. Good luck x

Really? So when a local authority is required to file a section 37 report you wouldn't be expected to read and QA it? You wouldn't be on hand to give advice in complex private law cases where the local authority is required to file complex evidence? How unusual.

This is heartbreaking - thank goodness your elder daughter has you. Be careful not to alienate your youngest daughter though. Sorry not much advice but I’m sure you’ll get lots here - hope it all works out well.

You’re really not up to speed, using terms like custody and parental rights. Interesting that you say you know fuck all about private children law (very odd for a local authority children lawyer I must say), yet proceed to give (ridiculous) “advice” on it, all the while going on about your legal credentials.

That's what you take from a thread where a wee girl is being emotionally abused by her Mother? Strange thought pattern there.
I deal with adults who have went through similar as children with a parent, as I am a therapist.

I think you've done the right thing finally, OP. She is actively damaging your daughters with this behaviour. Yes, both of them.

Get counselling. Get good legal advice. I would be going for custody of both of them under the circumstances.

She sounds like an awful mother, terrible wife and a disgusting human being.

You need to get your ducks in a row. You know the consequences of marriage to this woman is going to haunt you for a long time but you need to do what’s right for your daughter.

Take some time to do what’s right for you and your daughter. Let your wife do the chasing when it comes to communication. She needs to show she is mature enough to have a conversation with you before you start engaging with her.

And get a good lawyer it will save you a lot of money in the long run.

Good luck.

That's a very good point

If it was me, I would definitely want to move out and take the eldest with me.

BUT it would need to be done in the least disruptive way.

I think removing her like this could be quite damaging (although I understand why you did it).

Both girls must be very confused and upset about being separated from each other.

Your wife sounds quite abusive and this definitely needs addressing but in a way that is explained to the children before any huge life changes are made like one child moving out.

@FortyElephantsagain, I think we’ll have to disagree here. I practice in Scotland- perhaps that’s where your confusion is coming from. I have to say, it is amusing that your focus seems to have been diverted to some sort of attempt to prove in some way that I’m a phoney solicitor, rather than acknowledging that perhaps I have kindly offered what to me reads as a perfectly well intentioned piece of advice designed to assist the OP’s position longer term. I stand by that advice. Hopefully all goes well OP.

I'm not sure what the best next steps are, OP, but I do think you're acting like an excellent parent.

So you’ve kidnapped your dd? No that’s not ok

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

My dad massively favoured my older sister, his first born. She was a nasty bully (like him) and even as an adult is insufferable and entitled. I had a miserable childhood and an undiagnosed eating disorder. My other sibling has and will always have severe mental health issues as a result of our upbringing. My sister was the golden child, my other sibling was the scapegoat and I was the invisible child. My mum failed to deal with it.

From my (non-professional) understanding of these situations, I doubt family therapy will change your wife's stance. Look up the golden child and scapegoat dynamic in dysfunctional family roles.

I think you’ve done the right thing, hopefully it’s the wake up call your wife needed. You can’t show such preferential treatment to one child without it affecting the other severely. Her self esteem must be non existent and she must feel so unloved which is so heartbreaking.
I ‘get’ one of my children more then the others, because they have similar personality and interests to me (natural history, crafts, cooking etc )
I still involve myself in all aspects relating to the others, their hobbies, interests and buy them the clothing that makes them happy because I love them all….
I’d rather not just buy endless sports gear and stand on sidelines in the cold for my sporty ones but all children need their parents to be their biggest cheerleaders in whatever path/interests they have.

Her sister is 6!!

I don’t know what is wrong with mumsnet sometimes that people are condoning this.

If it were the mother who posted there’s no way on earth people would be saying this was ok.

I understand this but I also understand why the OP acted as he did . I’m not a child psychologist. Maybe you’re right- but I think the eldest daughter needed to know she , as an individual, was important to her dad .

Well done,OP,for ensuring your kids weren't present when you confronted your wife.
I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice for you,except to go with your gut and continue to protect your eldest daughter from her mother,as it sounds like she needs it. I'm so sorry that you and your eldest are in this position.

I am not sticking up for how your DW has treated your DD however it sounds like you have reacted by kicking off a huge argument which was right out of the blue for her.

She probably was really defensive as you brought up highly personal flawed character traits. It will need time and reflection. I also think the impact on your 6 year by how you have dealt with this will exacerbate the situation

Sounds like you need family therapy, also it sounds like your DW is very superficial, is this something that you value, or used to value?

This calls for communication skills on all sides. I think breaking up the family without trying to work this out would be foolhardy.

I am worried about your youngest daughter. She is still extremely young and cannot be held responsible for any of this. She needs an equal share of your love and attention. You are right that your wife is being unfair to your older girl, but you should not try and correct this by being unfair to your younger one. The best way to sort this is to keep the girls together (maybe 50 per cent with you, 50 per cent of the time with your wife) and to ensure they are treated fairly at all times. I know that’s going to be difficult but it has to be the answer.