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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have moved out with eldest daughter due to the way my wife treats her.

454 replies

George805 · 15/04/2025 19:34

Hi, I am looking for some advice regarding my wife's treatment of eldest daughter.

Two daughters 8 and 6, eldest is a bit of an old soul, loves fossils, history, animals and cares deeply about the planet, she likes to wear t shirts with fossils and bugs on them with jeans and trainers, not interested in latest fashion or trends.

I love my wife but she can be a bit snobby and judgmental at times, she has to follow the latest trends and is in to everything glamorous, youngest daughter is the same, loves fashion, makeup (big no for me as she's too young) she is naturally very talented, does dance and can sing really well, I love both my children equally but I have to be truthful and say that I see a bit of a mean streak in youngest and I'm worried she is growing in to a bit of a bully.

Now the issue is that my wife massively favours youngest daughter, brings her everywhere, constantly buying her things, always calling her the most beautiful girl in the world (whilst eldest is standing right next to her), phone is full of pictures of just her, never stops speaking about her, always got to be right next to her on the sofa/dinner table etc etc

I've pulled her up on this so many times, told her she never spends time with eldest, never compliments her or shows even the slightest interest in what she's doing.

Had a horrible day at work today so stopped off in town on my way home to buy some snacks and treat the girls to a jellycat each, I bought eldest a caterpillar and youngest a bunny, when I arrived home and gave them to the girls my wife was instantly all over the youngest telling her how beautiful her bunny was just like her and didn't say anything about eldest. Eldest left and I went and spoke to her, she asked if I'd change her caterpillar for a bunny, I was shocked as I know for a fact she doesn't like the bunnies, she likes birds and bugs, what she said next floored me and made me feel like I've really failed her, she said mummy would like her the same way she likes her sister if she got a bunny, she got really upset and said she knows she's ugly and that's why eveyone likes youngest better.

I took both girls across the road to the neighbours and went back home and had the biggest argument with my wife we've ever had in 10 years of marriage, I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and accused my wife of neglecting eldest daughter and told her she's causing her to have body issues etc by the way she treats her, in the heat of the moment I packed a bag for myself and eldest and moved out.

But I've now had time to cool down and I realise I don't want to go back, I don't want my eldest to have to live everyday being compared to her sister and not feeling loved, living in her sisters shadow constantly having to hear how beautiful and amazing she is.

My wife has phoned over 20 times and left numerous texts and voicemails, I can't bring mysel to reply yet. I don't think it's good for eldest to be around her mother from now on until she can learn to treat them the same, I want eldest to live with me and youngest to spend half the time with me.

I know it's likely an unusual situation but would I stand a chance with this in court? I'm really worried about the way eldest is talking about herself and I think I'm going to need to get her some professional help, I obviously don't want her to never see her mum again, I just want her to have a brake from having to deal with her behaviour and for wife to slowly one on one build a relationship up with her without comparing her to youngest.

OP posts:
1SillySossij · 15/04/2025 19:39

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moveoveralice · 15/04/2025 19:42

Your took both girls across the road so you could return to argue with your wife?

Do you live on Ramsey street?

Jabberwok · 15/04/2025 19:44

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Really?!? How many threads do we see where a golden child was picked and the poster was rejected. Often it's the mother and the father facilitated the abuse, cos that is what it is. Mental abuse.

Op you are in a very difficult position. I'm sorry. I really have no advice other than to speak to a solicitor and perhaps to the eldest school and see if she's said anything there. Ditto friends and family

ConnieSlow · 15/04/2025 19:46

moveoveralice · 15/04/2025 19:42

Your took both girls across the road so you could return to argue with your wife?

Do you live on Ramsey street?

Oh yes focus on that instead of the abusive mother who doesn’t deserve these kids.

Helleborer · 15/04/2025 19:47

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EmmaWRen2013 · 15/04/2025 19:47

I think you have done the right thing and your wife needed to know that you no longer will stand by and allow your eldest to be treated in this way . She either comes to her senses and changes it or there's consequences . Just because she's the mother doesn't mean she's going to automatically get custody anyway . Almost sounds like she might not fight it anyway though she sounds like she's pretty shallow and likes to keep up appearances . First thing would be to seek legal advice and go from there . See what your eldest daughter wants and needs . Maybe this will be the wake up call your wife needs . But maybe you don't love her anymore because of this and I can't say I blame you . Has she always been like this regarding the focus on image and what people think or have you just noticed this since children ? It's a shame all round but best of luck to you and your eldest daughter , she sounds delightful and lucky to have you as her Dad . Your youngest could probably do with your influence too if you sense a mean streak forming . Maybe this is another trait of your wife ? Best of luck to you all for the future .

walkingnightmare · 15/04/2025 19:48

moveoveralice · 15/04/2025 19:42

Your took both girls across the road so you could return to argue with your wife?

Do you live on Ramsey street?

Only on Mumsnet would someone berate someone for doing the sensible thing and distancing the children from the argument....Sorry your daughter is going through this, OP.

Bloodybrambles · 15/04/2025 19:50

Why did you marry this woman in the first place?

well done for sticking by your eldest? Where are you going to go in the meantime?

Original poster
George805 · 15/04/2025 19:50

moveoveralice · 15/04/2025 19:42

Your took both girls across the road so you could return to argue with your wife?

Do you live on Ramsey street?

Yes because I refuse to have an argument with my children in the house and don't want my daughter overhearing the way my wife was speaking about her, it's not uncommon for people to be friends with their neighbours

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 15/04/2025 19:50

It's very unlikely if not impossible that you would get your eldest full time if it went through court. They would expect parity for both children. However you can keep her in your care for the time being, while you sort out some family therapy maybe. You do need to work towards her having time with both parents. Are you actually saying you want to split permanently from your wife?

FortyElephants · 15/04/2025 19:51

Bloodybrambles · 15/04/2025 19:50

Why did you marry this woman in the first place?

well done for sticking by your eldest? Where are you going to go in the meantime?

Presumably the kids weren't born yet and therefore he had no way of knowing how she was going to treat the eldest!?

Morningsleepin · 15/04/2025 19:51

The golden child is also being harmed by this treatment.

CarlyCoffee · 15/04/2025 19:52

You do need to work towards her having time with both parents

Would you say this if it was the dad who was neglecting/ mentally abusing her? Because that’s what this is.

despairdespair · 15/04/2025 19:52

Well done for advocating for your daughter. Her Mother should be ashamed of herself. Stay away for tonight and see how everyone emotions are tomorrow.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 15/04/2025 19:53

Where have you moved to and why does your eldest think you've left?

FortyElephants · 15/04/2025 19:53

CarlyCoffee · 15/04/2025 19:52

You do need to work towards her having time with both parents

Would you say this if it was the dad who was neglecting/ mentally abusing her? Because that’s what this is.

I say this because that's what the courts will say. No point trying to avoid the inevitable, it needs to be planned for and supported.

speakingofart · 15/04/2025 19:55

I wish my dad had done this for me when my mum treated me like that. Whatever happens, your daughter will remember you stood up for her

itsmeits · 15/04/2025 19:55

You need to sleep on it. Emotions will still be high.
I hope your eldest is okay, must be unsettling for her

Wallywobbles · 15/04/2025 19:57

I’d be making sure it was one to one time with her mum, but I’d want family therapy without the kids first. Your poor eldest. Id be having some pretty brutal conversations all round.

Does your wife acknowledge the issue? What’s she calling about?

uhOhOP · 15/04/2025 19:58

Oh, good luck, OP 🍿 Also, you want to take two siblings away from each other? Have you never noticed before now that there was an issue with your wife treating your two children differently? Never thought to address it before now, before reaching the stage of storming out with one child and thinking you can keep her with you full time AND have the other one half of the time?

Original poster
George805 · 15/04/2025 19:58

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 15/04/2025 19:53

Where have you moved to and why does your eldest think you've left?

I'm at my parents house. I've not told her anything yet, simply that we are staying with grandparents for a little while, I've fobbed her off at the moment because I don't know what to tell her.

OP posts:
OpheliaWasntMad · 15/04/2025 19:58

Difficult situation but thank goodness your eldest daughter has someone to advocate for her. That will make all the difference in the world to her as she grows up.
It’s not going to be easy going forward but as long as you put the needs and emotions of your children first then you are doing the right thing.

PinkiOcelot · 15/04/2025 19:59

uhOhOP · 15/04/2025 19:58

Oh, good luck, OP 🍿 Also, you want to take two siblings away from each other? Have you never noticed before now that there was an issue with your wife treating your two children differently? Never thought to address it before now, before reaching the stage of storming out with one child and thinking you can keep her with you full time AND have the other one half of the time?

Have you read the OP?

Original poster
George805 · 15/04/2025 19:59

Wallywobbles · 15/04/2025 19:57

I’d be making sure it was one to one time with her mum, but I’d want family therapy without the kids first. Your poor eldest. Id be having some pretty brutal conversations all round.

Does your wife acknowledge the issue? What’s she calling about?

Wife won't accept that she treats the children differently, simply says she has more in common with youngest. She's calling because she wants us to come home.

OP posts:
uhOhOP · 15/04/2025 20:02

PinkiOcelot · 15/04/2025 19:59

Have you read the OP?

Show quote history

What mistake do you see that I've made?