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Original poster

To regret moving DP in to my house

1000 replies

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:03

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Iwannakeepondancing · 15/04/2025 20:21

What a twat! Massive ick.. he’d be gone!

ExitPersuedByAPomBear · 15/04/2025 20:21

tryingtobesogood · 15/04/2025 19:05

🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮

My thoughts exactly. OP, please be safe. As the house belongs to you, you can change the locks if you want.

Unijourney · 15/04/2025 20:21

I think it's would be reasonable for you to ask for a chat, say you were genuinely surprised he said he doesn't clean and because it's so rare for men nowadays to take that view, you never considered raising the issue before he mkved in. Mention how his previous place was clean so naturally you thought he did it.

However now it's apparent that this is an issue, either he has to share household jobs or else living together won't work out.

You can be civil about it, doesn't mean he has to leave straight away.

I suspect he will say "it was a joke" which will leave you in doubt however look at his actions not his words.

Original poster
JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 20:22

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/04/2025 20:19

Out of interest, what did your friends say when he said that?

Laughed, he didn’t say it in a serious tone, nor did he when he made the ‘I’m male’ comment to me - almost like he knew he shouldn’t be saying it but was being jokey.

OP posts:
Inthetyreshop · 15/04/2025 20:22

You never move a man into your home unless he owns half of it.
this will only get worse you will become his MUM then he won’t even want to sleep with you and find other women.

I know multiple women this has happened to

Crunched · 15/04/2025 20:23

rare for men nowadays My DDad did as much in the house as my DM and he would be 80+ now!

localnotail · 15/04/2025 20:23

You need to sit him down and tell him, quite seriously, that he has to leave 1950s behind, or move out. Give him a chance but be very firm and say its a deal breaker.

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/04/2025 20:24

Don't be hard on yourself. It's a good lesson learned about kicking the tyres and getting a full mechanical report before buying the car.

You never know, he might see the error of his ways and seriously get his shit together.

However, putting him on your mortgage would be a crazy thing to do. Never compromise the security of your home. It's the road to hell.

PippiPepperPot · 15/04/2025 20:24

I would be changing the locks next time he is out.

Wallywobbles · 15/04/2025 20:24

I think the conversation is an easy one. Look I’m not your mum or your cleaner and your attitude to the chores is killing any passion for you so either you need to act like an adult with a girlfriend or move back to your mums. I don’t want to have sex with anyone that expects me to clean his shit off the loo.

Ohnobackagain · 15/04/2025 20:25

@JadeySmiles obviously he had role models who think women belong at home/in the kitchen/servicing a man’s needs. If that’s not what you want (doubtful), time for him to get house-hunting. Imagine if you had kids! Ugh. Massive ick.

Labragoogle · 15/04/2025 20:25

Was none of his overt sexism evident - from his sense of humour or attitudes to women, gender roles etc before he moved in OP?
What was his home like when you spent time there & did he clean /cook for himself or was he looked after by his ex??
How old are you both?? Get him gone & quick!! He sounds like a gross, old school, chauvinist masquerading behind a nice guy persona. Sorry!!

ExitPersuedByAPomBear · 15/04/2025 20:26

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:15

I didn’t go to his flat too often, if I did it was usually on a Friday after work and I know his Mum went round most Friday afternoons as he works a half day every Friday due to a condensed week. It was always freshly clean in terms of hoovering and the bathroom etc and he tells me he did it after work as that was his routine. I’m starting to think it was probably his Mum!

It probably was his mum and now you’re expected to do the same. But I am concerned that he’s showing you who he really is, you should definitely sit up and listen and you’re worried about ruining things so I don’t want you to capitulate to his demands.

andthat · 15/04/2025 20:26

@JadeySmiles you know this isn’t ok.

How can it be ok that he thinks the job of literally cleaning up his own shit is beneath him… but not beneath you?

You’re living with a misogynistic pig who doles his misogyny out wrapped up as a joke... the punchline being that he actually means every word.

You need to get him out.

Ohnobackagain · 15/04/2025 20:27

Wallywobbles · 15/04/2025 20:24

I think the conversation is an easy one. Look I’m not your mum or your cleaner and your attitude to the chores is killing any passion for you so either you need to act like an adult with a girlfriend or move back to your mums. I don’t want to have sex with anyone that expects me to clean his shit off the loo.

@JadeySmiles this says it better than I did.

Rooroobear · 15/04/2025 20:27

Well you need to have a grown up conversation where you tell him to pull his weight in the house or he’s out. He’s a grown ass man and you should not be having to baby him end of

Hastentoadd · 15/04/2025 20:27

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:03

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

I have read your post and I’m actually astounded that you would still consider having a relationship with a man like this….

Are your standards really THAT low?

bevm72yellow · 15/04/2025 20:27

Start as you mean to go on. He is not taking you seriously or respecting you or your home. Do it with a stare....." I am female....this relationship is over"........and yes he is a cocklodger..from a little flat to your lovely home. Ignore any sweet talk, I am sorry, I will try harder ..."oh don't be like that". And out he must go.

GreenCandleWax · 15/04/2025 20:28

Re. his comment about you being in the kitchen, does that mean that you have been doing all the cooking? if so, you made a severe tactical error, as he now thinks he is entitled to all domestic services. Perhaps you should not have waited on him from the get-go, if that is what happened. I can't believe there are men still like this.

Original poster
JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 20:28

Labragoogle · 15/04/2025 20:25

Was none of his overt sexism evident - from his sense of humour or attitudes to women, gender roles etc before he moved in OP?
What was his home like when you spent time there & did he clean /cook for himself or was he looked after by his ex??
How old are you both?? Get him gone & quick!! He sounds like a gross, old school, chauvinist masquerading behind a nice guy persona. Sorry!!

I mentioned his flat in an earlier post, either him or his mum did a weekly clean. He cooked for himself, no ex, I’m his first ‘serious’ relationship. I cook here, simply because I enjoy it and as I’m vegan have certain recipes I stick to and wouldn’t trust him to make it to my standards!

OP posts:
Duckswaddle · 15/04/2025 20:29

Fuck me, absolutely not. Lazy sexist prick.
whatever you do DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM

nutbrownhare15 · 15/04/2025 20:29

Unless you want this to be your life now (cleaning up his shit?!), I'd be asking him to move out.

Duckswaddle · 15/04/2025 20:29

Oh, and move him the fuck back out, obviously

Cinnamonrollsforbreakfast · 15/04/2025 20:30

I think you have ruined the relationship. I think he has ruined the relationship.

Mudkipper · 15/04/2025 20:30

OP, if you don't move him out again, soon, I can guarantee you'll be back on here in two or three years' time, with a baby or two in tow, saying your partner does nothing in the house, he doesn't do his share of parenting, you don't know how to make him change, you're exhausted and you wish you'd never met him. It happens all the time on Mumsnet.

This is your future. You still have a choice. Turn your back on it now.

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