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AIBU?

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Original poster

To regret moving DP in to my house

1000 replies

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:03

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

OP posts:
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5
countrysidedeficit · 15/04/2025 20:30

It's not his cleanliness that's the problem per se, it's his misogynistic disrespectful attitude towards you.

You can't seriously want to continue this relationship? Nothing is going to change by moving him out or "slowing down". This is just who he is.

RedToothBrush · 15/04/2025 20:30

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 20:28

I mentioned his flat in an earlier post, either him or his mum did a weekly clean. He cooked for himself, no ex, I’m his first ‘serious’ relationship. I cook here, simply because I enjoy it and as I’m vegan have certain recipes I stick to and wouldn’t trust him to make it to my standards!

Show quote history

Hmmm.

This isn't a good dynamic.

backinthebox · 15/04/2025 20:32

Get him out asap! You are not his maid.

MimiSunshine · 15/04/2025 20:33

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:56

I know it’s my house but I was the one who suggested moving him in and feel a bit harsh to tell him to move out after just 2 months with no where obvious to go immediately. I assumed we’d fairly split chores etc so didn’t even think to bring this up before it happened which was naive in hindsight.

To answer an earlier question, he does pay an equal split of bills and quite often insists on covering the full shopping bill. We had discussed him paying in to come on the Mortgage (only once equal) and at that point we’d split this payment 50/50 too. Luckily that was never going to be progressed until a few months in until we knew if we were suited to living with each other.

He can go to his mums. Tell him to leave and don’t accept any false promises of change. He won’t.

Giggorata · 15/04/2025 20:33

If you still want this male, I suppose there's a chance he could be trained to be a proper adult… but it would take a looong time, and they always backslide.
I speak from experience, as it took a while to train DH. His mother always did everything. He's good now and has been for decades, but I had to be persistent and unyielding.
You might or might not think that always having to check and rehashing arguments about it is worth the effort.

NappyArgument · 15/04/2025 20:33

How old is he?? I assumed from your first post he was in his 60s but subsequent posts have made him sound much younger

Labragoogle · 15/04/2025 20:35

PS of course he’s really nice - he has a maid to do all the shitty, boring, repetitive & tiring chores for him. Zero stress, looked after & indulged. You can do better!

Original poster
JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 20:35

Giggorata · 15/04/2025 20:33

If you still want this male, I suppose there's a chance he could be trained to be a proper adult… but it would take a looong time, and they always backslide.
I speak from experience, as it took a while to train DH. His mother always did everything. He's good now and has been for decades, but I had to be persistent and unyielding.
You might or might not think that always having to check and rehashing arguments about it is worth the effort.

You say it took a while, how long exactly? Not sure I have the patience if it’s more than a few weeks 😂

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 15/04/2025 20:36

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 20:22

Laughed, he didn’t say it in a serious tone, nor did he when he made the ‘I’m male’ comment to me - almost like he knew he shouldn’t be saying it but was being jokey.

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Ahh, yes the “it’s a joke” thing, when it’s anything but. Honestly his mum is an idiot if she’s been going round and cleaning for him. He will make an utterly shit husband and parent and you deserve better.

Lorlorlorikeet · 15/04/2025 20:36

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:18

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant which makes it the more frustrating. But you are all right , it isn’t normal and seeing it said here in black and white makes it obvious.

What’s ‘brilliant’ about a lazy, misogynistic twat? OP, seriously. Come on. He’s scum.

nutbrownhare15 · 15/04/2025 20:36

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 15/04/2025 20:02

Will he pay a cleaner. Does he do the gardening bins diy etc if so then maybe its yours and his jobs. If he won't do the diy bins etc then kick him out. Tbh I clean my bathroom but bf does if I ask.him however he never does the bins

Gardening bins DIY are much more infrequent than cleaning a bathroom. ''Womens" jobs tend to be much more frequent.

Watermill · 15/04/2025 20:36

He’s a sexist idiot. Just throw him back.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 15/04/2025 20:36

Seriously this is unlikely to improve. His whole life, he has been babied by women and taught that it's his god given right to expect domestic servitude from them.

That's a lot to undo. A conversation won't cut it, even if he makes a token effort the underlying attitude will be there because it's been drummed into him his entire life.

He left his actual shit for you to clean

Say it again, and again - he left his actual shit for you to clean.

Think about it. Know your worth.

VaddaABeetch · 15/04/2025 20:37

Well sort it now by having a clear conversation, tell him it’s not working or forever hold your peace & accept that you’ve someone you’re going to be a slave for.

Mudkipper · 15/04/2025 20:38

nutbrownhare15 · 15/04/2025 20:36

Gardening bins DIY are much more infrequent than cleaning a bathroom. ''Womens" jobs tend to be much more frequent.

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Also, gardening and DIY are often hobbies. They can be fun. Few people consider the daily slog of keeping a house clean fun. You do it because if you don't, you live in a pig sty, not because it's enjoyable.

GreenCandleWax · 15/04/2025 20:38

NappyArgument · 15/04/2025 20:33

How old is he?? I assumed from your first post he was in his 60s but subsequent posts have made him sound much younger

A man in his 60s whose mother goes round to clean his flat!😆The best laugh i have had today. Thanks NappyArgument

ForZanyAquaViewer · 15/04/2025 20:38

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:18

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant which makes it the more frustrating. But you are all right , it isn’t normal and seeing it said here in black and white makes it obvious.

The main issue isn’t his cleanliness (although that is an issue), it’s the disrespect. Your partner is a proud misogynist.

The ‘traditional’ relationship works for some couples. But, it’s only traditional if he pays for everything, while you do all the housework. If you’re 50/50 on bills and one person is doing 100% of the domestic labour, than that’s inequitable. Surely that’s clear to you, OP? Why would you even countenance that?

Branleuse · 15/04/2025 20:39

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:18

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant which makes it the more frustrating. But you are all right , it isn’t normal and seeing it said here in black and white makes it obvious.

Apart from being misogynistic lazy mummys boy who is happy to show you up in front of friends, hes great?

Lorlorlorikeet · 15/04/2025 20:39

@JadeySmiles he’s actually told you he believes you’re there to serve him and to clean his shit off a toilet, because you’re a woman. How can you possibly think he’s brilliant?

Ohnobackagain · 15/04/2025 20:40

@JadeySmiles he needs to move in to his own place for a bit, learn to be independent and not have his ‘mummy’ come round to clean after poor diddums and only then look at moving in with a partner. But I wouldn’t be surprised if it doesn’t work because having his Mum round cleaning (and I’m sure she does) is quite unusual and shows how little he does and how she’s set him up to think that.

Wishimaywishimight · 15/04/2025 20:41

I honestly don't know where your head is at with these responses!

Who cares where he goes? He will find some other woman to wipe his feet (and his arse) on soon enough.

And stop focussing on a 50/50 split of chores. This situation is so far beyond splitting chores it's not even in the same realm.

This person is happy to evacuate his bowels and leave you to clear up the mess. He could not make his contempt for you any clearer. The fact that you are still with him shows him just what some women are willing to accept.

Is this the kind of loving, respectful relationship you wish to have?

Iwannakeepondancing · 15/04/2025 20:41

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 20:28

I mentioned his flat in an earlier post, either him or his mum did a weekly clean. He cooked for himself, no ex, I’m his first ‘serious’ relationship. I cook here, simply because I enjoy it and as I’m vegan have certain recipes I stick to and wouldn’t trust him to make it to my standards!

Show quote history

His mum did a weekly clean?! Oh dear.

GMH1974 · 15/04/2025 20:44

He's shown his true colours, kick him out

Pallisers · 15/04/2025 20:44

He literally thinks you should clean his shit off the toilet. Unapologetically. And more than once.

I don't care how brilliant he is how can you want to be with him when you realise in his mind you are the person who cleans up his actual shit?

Unbelievable.

nutbrownhare15 · 15/04/2025 20:44

Strictlymad · 15/04/2025 19:51

Who cleaned the bathroom in his flat? How selfish, I mean Tbf cleaning the bathroom is my job (dh would make a hash of it) but he does bins lawns cars etc. and it’s more his response and his comment to friends with the laughter! Some serious ick!

Does he make a hash of it to get out of doing it? I'd much rather do bins lawns and cars than clean the bathroom every week. They are quicker and more infrequent jobs and being 'outside' they also mean men can get out of childcare while doing them.

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