Page 8 | To regret moving DP in to my house

FamingolosForDays · 15/04/2025 20:08

Nope, time for him to move out and learn to clean his own toilet

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 15/04/2025 20:10

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:03

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

Gross, I’d be showing him the door pronto.

RedToothBrush · 15/04/2025 20:11

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:56

I know it’s my house but I was the one who suggested moving him in and feel a bit harsh to tell him to move out after just 2 months with no where obvious to go immediately. I assumed we’d fairly split chores etc so didn’t even think to bring this up before it happened which was naive in hindsight.

To answer an earlier question, he does pay an equal split of bills and quite often insists on covering the full shopping bill. We had discussed him paying in to come on the Mortgage (only once equal) and at that point we’d split this payment 50/50 too. Luckily that was never going to be progressed until a few months in until we knew if we were suited to living with each other.

It's harsh him saying men don't clean the toilet.

If he doesn't like it, tough shit - the tough shit you have to clean off the toilet for him.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 15/04/2025 20:11

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:18

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant which makes it the more frustrating. But you are all right , it isn’t normal and seeing it said here in black and white makes it obvious.

It’s not just the cleanliness, or lack thereof, it’s his misogynistic attitude that’s the real problem, he clearly doesn’t respect women.

wordler · 15/04/2025 20:11

You need a sit down cards on the table talk.

Some couple do like to split chores by preference and if that works for both of them and it is a fair split of labour then it can work.

But he’s got some pretty ingrained misogyny going on there if he’s happy to laugh about it front of other people. You need to explore the full ways it might also manifest in other parts of your life apart from chores.

Uricon2 · 15/04/2025 20:12

Come on OP, you weren't born in 1820, you know this isn't OK. The last generation to get away with this (and then things changed) were men who were automatically sole breadwinner with an automatically SAH wife and it's a good few decades ago now.

TwistedKeys · 15/04/2025 20:13

You haven’t ruined your relationship by moving him in. You just gave him the opportunity to show his true colours. Which he did in next to no time! Bin him off and tell him why.

BountifulPantry · 15/04/2025 20:13

Just say it’s not working out for you and you’d like him to leave pronto.

Not up for discussion. Because his attitude won’t change.

viques · 15/04/2025 20:13

FamingolosForDays · 15/04/2025 20:08

Nope, time for him to move out and learn to clean his own toilet

Sadly he won’t, as soon as he moves house his mum will be hauled back in as his default shit cleaner. Though since it is her fault he doesn’t understand how to do basic stuff it is karma.

SoloSofa24 · 15/04/2025 20:13

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:56

I know it’s my house but I was the one who suggested moving him in and feel a bit harsh to tell him to move out after just 2 months with no where obvious to go immediately. I assumed we’d fairly split chores etc so didn’t even think to bring this up before it happened which was naive in hindsight.

To answer an earlier question, he does pay an equal split of bills and quite often insists on covering the full shopping bill. We had discussed him paying in to come on the Mortgage (only once equal) and at that point we’d split this payment 50/50 too. Luckily that was never going to be progressed until a few months in until we knew if we were suited to living with each other.

I think the obvious place for him to go would be back to the mother/parents who brought him up to think that cleaning toilets was a woman's job.

You might want to drop them a note to let them know exactly why he is homeless, too, as he probably wouldn't tell them.

Leavemyteam · 15/04/2025 20:14

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:56

I know it’s my house but I was the one who suggested moving him in and feel a bit harsh to tell him to move out after just 2 months with no where obvious to go immediately. I assumed we’d fairly split chores etc so didn’t even think to bring this up before it happened which was naive in hindsight.

To answer an earlier question, he does pay an equal split of bills and quite often insists on covering the full shopping bill. We had discussed him paying in to come on the Mortgage (only once equal) and at that point we’d split this payment 50/50 too. Luckily that was never going to be progressed until a few months in until we knew if we were suited to living with each other.

You’re telling him to move out because he’s a lazy prick, not because you’ve changed your mind. The reasonable expectation when someone moves in isn’t that they treat your home like a hotel. His let down the arrangement, not you.

Unijourney · 15/04/2025 20:15

He may have cleared his own house however now he is with you he sees it as your primary role, because you are female.

The fact he raised this infront of friends shows how entrenched his views are. I knew a man like this and it absolutely never changed. The only relationship he can make work is if they have someone doing cleaning/cooking/shopping on his behalf ie pays for a daily cleaner. He absolutely will never clean a bathroom.

ExitPersuedByAPomBear · 15/04/2025 20:16

DoYouReally · 15/04/2025 19:10

Wait till he gets back and keep it simple.

"I'm female. Not my job to house you, is it? Get out. Now"

@JadeySmiles Please make sure you have IRL support. There isn’t a guarantee that your not-so-dear partner won’t kick off especially if he has nowhere else to go.

Loubylie · 15/04/2025 20:16

ScribblingPixie · 15/04/2025 20:04

I think be completely honest with him. You thought he was a clean person because he flat was clean. You thought his sexist remarks were jokes as they were too ridiculous to take seriously. Now it seems you've made a serious error. You haven't the slightest intention of cleaning up after him or cooking for him. So he can either change his entire attitude from this moment or leave. And it's one chance only. Don't dither over this, OP.

This is great advice.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/04/2025 20:16

Are you insane considering putting him on the mortgage? Absolutely do not do that! Especially with this misogynistic prick 🤢

Reflectionsreflections · 15/04/2025 20:17

How old is this “man”? And what did you say when he said “I’m a man”??? Did you not just say, so what, get it done???

Namechangetheyarewatching · 15/04/2025 20:17

Sit down together and divide the chores between you and give him time to step up.

If after a month he is still lazy get him out.

PickledElectricity · 15/04/2025 20:17

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:18

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant which makes it the more frustrating. But you are all right , it isn’t normal and seeing it said here in black and white makes it obvious.

He's not brilliant though, is he? He's a misogynist. He holds women in contempt and this is a preview of your future.

I'm willing to bet my right arm that his behaviour will get worse over time and his is just the tip of the ice berg. He's getting you used to being subservient to him and will boil you alive like the frog.

FrozenFeathers · 15/04/2025 20:17

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

Cock-lodger-alert! Kick his lazy ass out.

You haven't ruined anything. He is only now showing you who he really is now that he has his feet under the table.

GreenCandleWax · 15/04/2025 20:18

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:56

I know it’s my house but I was the one who suggested moving him in and feel a bit harsh to tell him to move out after just 2 months with no where obvious to go immediately. I assumed we’d fairly split chores etc so didn’t even think to bring this up before it happened which was naive in hindsight.

To answer an earlier question, he does pay an equal split of bills and quite often insists on covering the full shopping bill. We had discussed him paying in to come on the Mortgage (only once equal) and at that point we’d split this payment 50/50 too. Luckily that was never going to be progressed until a few months in until we knew if we were suited to living with each other.

Well now you know that you are not suited to living together! This is not about cleanliness, its about him being a sexist git. How can you even contemplate wasting any more time with someone with such ingrained gender expectations? He is unlikely to change his basic outlook. How depressing that presumably quite youngish men are like this.
Tell him its not working, and he needs to leave.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/04/2025 20:19

Out of interest, what did your friends say when he said that?

femfemlicious · 15/04/2025 20:19