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Original poster

To regret moving DP in to my house

1000 replies

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:03

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

OP posts:
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5
WearyAuldWumman · 15/04/2025 19:58

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:56

I know it’s my house but I was the one who suggested moving him in and feel a bit harsh to tell him to move out after just 2 months with no where obvious to go immediately. I assumed we’d fairly split chores etc so didn’t even think to bring this up before it happened which was naive in hindsight.

To answer an earlier question, he does pay an equal split of bills and quite often insists on covering the full shopping bill. We had discussed him paying in to come on the Mortgage (only once equal) and at that point we’d split this payment 50/50 too. Luckily that was never going to be progressed until a few months in until we knew if we were suited to living with each other.

No. It's "harsh" when someone expects you to clean up their shit.

Good grief. I've had physically disabled loved ones who have apologised for being "a burden" and you have an able bodied adult male expecting you to clear up after him. He has no shame.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 15/04/2025 19:59

I despair at the standards women will accept just to have a man, any man. What the fuck are we teaching our girls?

VivX · 15/04/2025 19:59

Yeah, absolutely not.

JustLookingThanks · 15/04/2025 20:00

Thanks for this, I needed to hear this and to train the males in my household better. They'd never say this but they are also lapse on the cleaning.
I think when you moved him in is irrelevant, as he was always going to have this attitude, so maybe you didn't allow him to move in early enough, you could have waisted less time on him.
Give the number of an estate agent and a cleaning company, and say that you think he's confused you with these people. You're not a housing and cleaning company.

RaininSummer · 15/04/2025 20:00

He's an absolute tosspot with the 'I am male' thing. Chuck him out

bowsbunniesandbooks · 15/04/2025 20:01

Absolutely get rid of this loser!

myplace · 15/04/2025 20:01

@JadeySmiles this is how he is now, a few months in. What about when he stops trying?

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 15/04/2025 20:01

Oh goodness PLEASE don't stick him on the mortgage!

If you want to continue a relationship with him, it will need to be in two separate properties.

He has told you he thinks women belong in the kitchen and cleaning his shit stains. Believe him, and don't think you can train him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2025 20:01

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 15/04/2025 19:59

I despair at the standards women will accept just to have a man, any man. What the fuck are we teaching our girls?

Indeed 😢

dollyblue01 · 15/04/2025 20:01

Have you spoken to him and told
him your not happy with these things ? that if they don’t change you will have to reconsider the living arrangement , I think that’s a good start, if no change at least you’d pre warned him, some men just need a nudge or elbow in the right direction.

Starlight7080 · 15/04/2025 20:02

This is not normal at all . Bloody hell what year is it !
I would have a serious conversation with him and say it's rank . Clean the bathroom or get out.
You are at the point in the relationship that the ground work for the rest of your relationship starts. What you put up with now will not change . And if you can see yourself living like this for the rest of your life then that's fine.
But if not you need to put a stop to it.
He sounds like he has no respect for women .
My dh has always cleaned the bathroom . And we take turns deep cleaning once a week .

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 15/04/2025 20:02

Will he pay a cleaner. Does he do the gardening bins diy etc if so then maybe its yours and his jobs. If he won't do the diy bins etc then kick him out. Tbh I clean my bathroom but bf does if I ask.him however he never does the bins

dogsandcatsandhorses · 15/04/2025 20:03

Was his previous home a cave?
Bin him off. If he’s like this now he won’t improve. His misogynistic attitudes stink.

OliveWah · 15/04/2025 20:03

YANBU. I would tell him that him living at your place is not working for you as things are. If he would like to stay (and if you would like him to stay), then he needs to contribute 50% to the household chores, which includes taking his turn to clean the bathroom. If he's unable to commit to this entirely reasonable condition of living with you, then he will need to leave.

Yachtinggwoman · 15/04/2025 20:03

It’s not that it’s too early @JadeySmiles. You’ve made a massive mistake. Show him the door PDQ.

ScribblingPixie · 15/04/2025 20:04

I think be completely honest with him. You thought he was a clean person because he flat was clean. You thought his sexist remarks were jokes as they were too ridiculous to take seriously. Now it seems you've made a serious error. You haven't the slightest intention of cleaning up after him or cooking for him. So he can either change his entire attitude from this moment or leave. And it's one chance only. Don't dither over this, OP.

KateShugakIsALegend · 15/04/2025 20:04

The 1970s called and want their sexist pig back....

Livingbytheocean · 15/04/2025 20:04

🤦🏼‍♀️

Flopsythebunny · 15/04/2025 20:04

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:18

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant which makes it the more frustrating. But you are all right , it isn’t normal and seeing it said here in black and white makes it obvious.

A man with that attitude towards women is not "brilliant". He's a fucking twat who treats you like a maid.
My husband even cleans the toilet before the cleaner comes

PinkArt · 15/04/2025 20:05

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:18

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant which makes it the more frustrating. But you are all right , it isn’t normal and seeing it said here in black and white makes it obvious.

Apart from the cleanliness.... And the misogyny. He thinks it is your job to clean his shit stains from the toilet because you have a fanny. Not only does he think it's your job, he finds that funny. That he can leave literal shit for you to clean up because he is more important than you.
Prioritise getting him out of your home (and what a manly man he is, needing a woman to house him and mummy to clean up after him - how sexy and alpha) and then please get him out of your life completely. He thinks he is better than you because he has a penis and he isn't.

Clearinguptheclutter · 15/04/2025 20:05

I voted yabu by mistake. Sorry

Yanbu! I think a serious chat is in order, and he needs to change his attitude immediately or out he goes

OpheliaNightingale · 15/04/2025 20:05

@JadeySmiles if anyone is reading this and contemplating moving a partner into their home.. take heed. Consider it only as a trial period, and be sure to communicate this to your partner. Only allow the arrangement to continue if it enhancing your life (not just his).

LittleGlowingOblong · 15/04/2025 20:06

You could lay down some basic rules - don’t leave the toilet a mess, for example - then suggests he pay for a cleaner for his share? (Though that hardly solves the problem of misogynistic attitudes…)

FOJN · 15/04/2025 20:06

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant which makes it the more frustrating.

Yes leaving the loo with shit stains is disgusting but it's his misogyny which leads to that. He thinks it's your job to literally clean up his shit. Why are you minimising his arsehole behaviour?

It's unlikely that his misogyny only manifests in an unwillingness to do his share of domestic chores so I doubt he's brilliant.

Either get rid of him immediately or accept cleaning up his shit, whilst he laughs about it, is your life now.

Dweetfidilove · 15/04/2025 20:08

A filthy misogynist who literally expects you to clean his shit, and belongs to an association of men who support this view 😢.
Crikey ☹️.

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