Page 34 | To regret moving DP in to my house

JadeySmiles · 2025-04-15T18:03:01+00:00

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫 Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc. He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up. I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things. His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing. He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking! He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man. Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

ThisFluentBiscuit · 16/04/2025 22:18

daleylama · 16/04/2025 22:16

Ofgs he's a late 20's male so barely adult in terms of brain development. Plenty of room for him to develop properly

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I disgree; he should not be having these attitudes. And who's to say he would "develop"? My useless exH never did.

AlertCat · 16/04/2025 22:18

@JadeySmiles it’ll be dismaying to read all these posts about how awful your man is. And he’s obviously not all awful, he’s charming and kind and so on… BUT so many of us have been charmed and delighted by our kind men- until babies came along, very often, and suddenly things were no longer equal and never were again. Your man has already said he wants you to do this cleaning stuff, he thinks it’s your job. That isn’t a good sign and him going out instead of having the conversation you requested is not promising either. I really hope you find a way that you feel works, that sees you treated as equal in your relationship and allows you the dignity of equality in your own home. Not having that is degrading and painful.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 16/04/2025 22:19

AlertCat · 16/04/2025 22:18

@JadeySmiles it’ll be dismaying to read all these posts about how awful your man is. And he’s obviously not all awful, he’s charming and kind and so on… BUT so many of us have been charmed and delighted by our kind men- until babies came along, very often, and suddenly things were no longer equal and never were again. Your man has already said he wants you to do this cleaning stuff, he thinks it’s your job. That isn’t a good sign and him going out instead of having the conversation you requested is not promising either. I really hope you find a way that you feel works, that sees you treated as equal in your relationship and allows you the dignity of equality in your own home. Not having that is degrading and painful.

I agree. However, in my experience, these types NEVER change. It's like pushing water uphill to get one small concession, and those often slip back. It's truly awful.

bettermumthanyou · 16/04/2025 22:21

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood but if he’s contributing financially could you overlook doing more of the cleaning of the bathroom? It’s not always possible or practical for both parties to contribute exactly equally across every domestic activity. People contribute in different ways but it doesn’t automatically mean it’s not fair or balanced.

ASimpleLampoon · 16/04/2025 22:23

Tell him to leave it's not going to get better

outerspacepotato · 16/04/2025 22:24

He's leaving literal shit for her to clean up.

A toilet brush and a wipe doesn't require a PhD to figure out. He refuses to do it.

Lesleyann25 · 16/04/2025 22:27

Well tell him the geordie woman here I don’t care about football but they got their arse kicked.

Gundogday · 16/04/2025 22:28

bettermumthanyou · 16/04/2025 22:21

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood but if he’s contributing financially could you overlook doing more of the cleaning of the bathroom? It’s not always possible or practical for both parties to contribute exactly equally across every domestic activity. People contribute in different ways but it doesn’t automatically mean it’s not fair or balanced.

The bathroom is a red herring here (well, almost). In early posts, d implied he shouldn’t be expected to do any chores.

And why should he be excused the chores. It’s op’s house, she’s paying the mortgage, with other bills split evenly, so if anything, she should be excused chores as she’s paying more!

Pinkdhalia · 16/04/2025 22:32

How do you see your relationship panning out? That you'll do all the chores and clean up the messy toilet every time he leaves it dirty? Or will you suggest he finds another place to live as your life was better without him living with you? before it gets more comfy! Get him out!

whathaveiforgotten · 16/04/2025 22:34

bettermumthanyou · 16/04/2025 22:21

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood but if he’s contributing financially could you overlook doing more of the cleaning of the bathroom? It’s not always possible or practical for both parties to contribute exactly equally across every domestic activity. People contribute in different ways but it doesn’t automatically mean it’s not fair or balanced.

This isn’t about the exact split though.

He left his literal shit stuck to the toilet, multiple times, for her to clean up and when she said she wasn’t happy about it, instead of being mortified he LAUGHED at her and said ‘what do you expect, living with a man’.

The contempt he has for women and the fact he feels entitled to them cleaning up after him is undeniable.

He laughed at a woman who said she didn’t want to clean up his literal excrement and asked her what she expected, as if it was normal.

How can you think this is a good man worth compromising with?

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 16/04/2025 22:35

Don’t give him an earful, just calmly tell him the trial period is over and you’re better off living separately after all, no hard feelings. Don’t give him the satisfaction of your pent up rage.

Dolly34 · 16/04/2025 22:35

I’ve not read every comment here but saw all
of the OP’s comment. In terms of him going to the pub… if it was the other way round and he was waiting for you to get back from drinks with the girls, and insisting you do your chores, all the women on this forum would have plenty to say.
Being in a relationship and living with them is about supporting each other and compromise. Don’t become a nag, and live up to every cliche that women get a bad wrap for - treat him like a teenager and he’ll act like one…and guess what, as soon as you enter the “parent / child” dynamic, say goodbye to your sex life.

bettermumthanyou · 16/04/2025 22:35

Gundogday · 16/04/2025 22:28

The bathroom is a red herring here (well, almost). In early posts, d implied he shouldn’t be expected to do any chores.

And why should he be excused the chores. It’s op’s house, she’s paying the mortgage, with other bills split evenly, so if anything, she should be excused chores as she’s paying more!

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What?! Ok, he’s definitely taking the mick by only contributing to half the bills!! Agree totally unacceptable!!

(apologies, I assumed he paid a bit extra for OP to clean bathroom etc)

whathaveiforgotten · 16/04/2025 22:38

And OP, some of us have had babies with genuinely lovely, decent men who respect us and work well as a team. And the first year or so of the baby’s life still adds so, so much pressure and can impact even the strongest and kindest of relationships at times.

You would be out of your fucking mind to have a baby with a man like this. You’ll be devastated at how lonely you’ll feel with him as your ‘partner’ when you’re in the trenches in the early days. I can’t even imagine having done it with someone who wasn’t incredibly supportive, it’s a travesty how many women aren’t so lucky and their previously brilliant partners let them down.

But you would be going into it knowing what he is like! If would be madness to start a family with him.

whathaveiforgotten · 16/04/2025 22:40

Dolly34 · 16/04/2025 22:35

I’ve not read every comment here but saw all
of the OP’s comment. In terms of him going to the pub… if it was the other way round and he was waiting for you to get back from drinks with the girls, and insisting you do your chores, all the women on this forum would have plenty to say.
Being in a relationship and living with them is about supporting each other and compromise. Don’t become a nag, and live up to every cliche that women get a bad wrap for - treat him like a teenager and he’ll act like one…and guess what, as soon as you enter the “parent / child” dynamic, say goodbye to your sex life.

Could you share your thoughts please on the fact that when OP told him (more than once) that she didn’t want to clean up his excrement that he left for her to clean up, he laughed at her and asked her what she expected living with a man? You seem to have missed that bit?

Dolly34 · 16/04/2025 22:43

whathaveiforgotten · 16/04/2025 22:40

Could you share your thoughts please on the fact that when OP told him (more than once) that she didn’t want to clean up his excrement that he left for her to clean up, he laughed at her and asked her what she expected living with a man? You seem to have missed that bit?

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Ok - so do it back to him and see how he likes it. Fuck it, leave an entire dump in the toilet for him to find; he’ll soon realise. It’s his FIRST relationship, he’s obviously still learning and was coddled by his mum.
The man bashing on here is genuinely mental. It’s fucking skid marks ffs.

Lesleyann25 · 16/04/2025 22:44

whathaveiforgotten · 16/04/2025 22:38

And OP, some of us have had babies with genuinely lovely, decent men who respect us and work well as a team. And the first year or so of the baby’s life still adds so, so much pressure and can impact even the strongest and kindest of relationships at times.

You would be out of your fucking mind to have a baby with a man like this. You’ll be devastated at how lonely you’ll feel with him as your ‘partner’ when you’re in the trenches in the early days. I can’t even imagine having done it with someone who wasn’t incredibly supportive, it’s a travesty how many women aren’t so lucky and their previously brilliant partners let them down.

But you would be going into it knowing what he is like! If would be madness to start a family with him.

I’d like to grab any women putting up
with less and shake them I had a baby 12 years ago with this kind
of man but we are happy i didnt plan on being a single mother but it’s been character building it’s been hard but wish I had made a better choice to be honest.

PinkArt · 16/04/2025 22:44

daleylama · 16/04/2025 22:16

Ofgs he's a late 20's male so barely adult in terms of brain development. Plenty of room for him to develop properly

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He's been an adult for a decade. Even though he obviously didn't get trained up as a teen he's had ten years to learn that toilets don't clean themselves and what a bottle of spray cleaner looks like. Its not complicated stuff that needs extensive frontal cortex development.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/04/2025 22:47

Dolly34 · 16/04/2025 22:43

Ok - so do it back to him and see how he likes it. Fuck it, leave an entire dump in the toilet for him to find; he’ll soon realise. It’s his FIRST relationship, he’s obviously still learning and was coddled by his mum.
The man bashing on here is genuinely mental. It’s fucking skid marks ffs.

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"He's obviously still learning"

And why the ever loving FUCK is it the OP's job to teach him?!

He needs live on his own, actually on his own, for a few years. With no mummy coming to do his house work for him.

He is pathetic and so is any woman making excuses for him. Real men clean their own toilets.

CheekyPombear · 16/04/2025 22:51

AndrinaAdamosballetshoes · 16/04/2025 21:03

And to add to my post he will be entitled to half the house that was fully yours before you met him.

Exactly. I know a man who went round meeting women who owned their own homes he lived with two different women in the space of 12 years he never got married to them.
The first woman had to give him £25000 the second £70000.
He is a prize twat for sure.
Oh and he is very proud of it he brags at the quiz night i usec to go to.

Dolly34 · 16/04/2025 22:52

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/04/2025 22:47

"He's obviously still learning"

And why the ever loving FUCK is it the OP's job to teach him?!

He needs live on his own, actually on his own, for a few years. With no mummy coming to do his house work for him.

He is pathetic and so is any woman making excuses for him. Real men clean their own toilets.

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IT IS HIS FIRST RELATIONSHIP!!!!! Doesn’t matter how old he is, he’s NEVER lived with a woman or dated one! OP knew this!

Every relationship, no matter the age, has learning curves - no it’s not OP’s job to teach him, but he will learn as he goes. You fall into a rhythm in relationships, and there is nothing to say that chores or money should be split 50/50 - figure out what works for you and your relationship. And it’s literally no one else’s business.

whathaveiforgotten · 16/04/2025 22:55

Dolly34 · 16/04/2025 22:43

Ok - so do it back to him and see how he likes it. Fuck it, leave an entire dump in the toilet for him to find; he’ll soon realise. It’s his FIRST relationship, he’s obviously still learning and was coddled by his mum.
The man bashing on here is genuinely mental. It’s fucking skid marks ffs.

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Would your partner leave skid marks for you to clean up? Is that why you’re defending this or making out like it’s over dramatic to be disgusted by someone laughing in your face and saying ‘what do you expect’ when you let them know you had to clear up their skid marks for them?

I despair at how low the bar is for some people in relationships, I really do.

It’s not a man bashing thing. It’s a ‘people who leave skid marks for other people to clean up then laugh at them for not being happy about it’ thing.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/04/2025 22:55

daleylama · 16/04/2025 22:16

Ofgs he's a late 20's male so barely adult in terms of brain development. Plenty of room for him to develop properly

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Late twenties IS fully developed!!! It really is, or it fucking well should be and if it isnt then he needs to see a neurologist.

Which one are you make excuses for? Your useless indulged son or your useless indulged husband?

Possibly both.....

ETA and if your theory were true, which it isnt, why the fuck is that OPs problem?! Why should be expected to give him "room to develop"? She entered into a relationship with someone who claimed to be an adult, she didnt get that, so she gets to return him as "not as described".

Friartruckster · 16/04/2025 22:57

Not directly for op, what is hidden in plain the extremes we are prepared to go to find someone to have children with. The self delusion engineered in order to believe this man ‘is the one’ whilst rationalising cleaning the toilet after him whilst he lives essentially rent free is completely rational behaviour. I despair. And this is the honeymoon period. I despair twice.

whathaveiforgotten · 16/04/2025 22:58

Dolly34 · 16/04/2025 22:52

IT IS HIS FIRST RELATIONSHIP!!!!! Doesn’t matter how old he is, he’s NEVER lived with a woman or dated one! OP knew this!

Every relationship, no matter the age, has learning curves - no it’s not OP’s job to teach him, but he will learn as he goes. You fall into a rhythm in relationships, and there is nothing to say that chores or money should be split 50/50 - figure out what works for you and your relationship. And it’s literally no one else’s business.

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I bet if he went on a date with a woman and went back to her house for the first time he wouldn’t leave skid marks in her toilet rather than cleaning them up. I bet if he went to his bosses house he wouldn’t either. It’s contempt. Laziness and contempt - an active choice NOT to do something.

He laughed at her for not being happy about it. Thats not normal, normal men don’t do that.