To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

Well if you love scrubbing someone else's sh*t off the toilet and cleaning up after this man-child then, yeah! keep him, I'm sure he'll love and respect you as an equal adult. And if and when you have a baby with this "man" I'm sure he will be helping with nappy changes ,night feeds ect...
He is telling you who he is, listen now, be grateful you've found out what he is before marriage/children....run for the hills girl!

OP you sound dangerously naive. Do you really think he’s going to prioritise your needs when in the thralls of male company & the arsenal match? This is the worst time to be addressing any of this. What if they lose? Even if not his team he will be selectively mute & incapable of any meaningful communication. Will probably sulk to the extent that you apologise for giving him a hard time at a time of great difficulty & loss for him.

He basically admitted he has never cleaned a bathroom before and was too embarrassed to ask me what he would need to do.

But not so embarrassed he'd bring it up again later in front of friends and make the same joke that it's not "his" job? He's having you on. Also, the idea he is "the provider" by paying for the odd shop whilst you're paying the mortgage 😐

This is not a man who respects you, respects your time or considers you an equal partner. I wouldn't waste any more time on him.

He has done you a huge favour by showing you exactly how he sees you - a toilet-cleaning drudge and a handy leg-over. A man who leaves a dirty lavatory for you to clean hardly has respect or consideration for you. You're not living with a man because a man doesn't behave like that. You're living with an animated turd. Get rid whilst you can.

Please reconsider. Retain your independent ownership. You will never regret it.

animated turd! 😂

@JadeySmiles given the conversations so far and then buggering off kast minute he’s not covering himself in glory here is he 🤨

But he’s not brilliant is he? He thinks he’s better than you, he thinks you should clear up his shit and ‘just get used to it’ because he’s a man. He doesn’t respect you, because you have a vagina, this is not a brilliant man.

Its 3:30 pm in the US and I'm getting out the wine. I want to see what happens!

At this point I'd send him back to mum for further training because this one is still a toddler. Independent adults know how to keep their surroundings clean.

I completely agree - rather than ruining the relationship you’ve saved yourself getting in any deeper with someone who has revealed himself as sexist, lazy and incompetent. Perhaps it’s rather a stroke of luck that you’ve not wasted more time on him as I can tell you from bitter experience that men like this don’t change easy, and you’ll lose yourself being turned into a drudge or a “nag”. I’d take the out now.

Ah I just saw this His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

So you have already broached it with him, you've set a clear expectation on what is needed and he dismissed you? Then you brought it up again and he made the "Im a man" comment, before he told you a third time in front of friends these tasks aren't his jobs.

Now he says that he had no idea what was expected or how to do it, and that he didn't realise you're not happy with his current contribution to household tasks...despite dismissing you at least 3 times beforehand. And agreed to talk about it before fucking off to the pub.

What is the point in having another conversation, he's treating you like a mug. Put the wine down, give yourself a shake and tell him to leave.

Your fundamental reasoning is all wrong.

I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early.

No, you've potentially ruined your life by having terrible taste in men.

Don't worry, it's easily reversible.

Break up, move him out, and take some time to reflect on all the red flags you missed.

I’ve mentioned the split in earlier posts, and no he didn’t wash up, said he’d do it when he got back. I did it as don’t want the kitchen messy until god knows what time.

How old are you two?

He has you very well trained. Does he normally do the washing up immediately?

Any man who hit out with that misogynistic bullshit would be out the door. His mum may have cleaned the bathroom for him on a Friday but surely he has given the toilet a wipe. Or did the dirty bastard leave his poor mum a week load of skid marks.

Anyway, OP, if you are giving him a chance, don't forget that there's more than just wiping down the kitchen units and hoovering to keep a house in a good state. What about scrubbing the woodwork, wiping dirty marks off walls, cleaning out the fridge, washing the windows, emptying and cleaning the hall cupboard etc etc. Dont fall into the trap of him having done his 'chores' while the rest of it - and the mental load - falls to you.

Yeah he is good with that to give him his dues.

The only thing I’d say here @JadeySmiles is to resist the urge to clean up. Let him know he needs to stick to his side of the bargain and if that means late washing up, so be it.

This is a classic. I used it myself as a teen. It means, “I’m going to ignore this chore of mine in the hope that you’ll do it instead of me having to. Especially by going out now to drink, I fully expect you to give up on hoping I’ll remember when I get in later.”

Ho ho ho I should laughingly tell him he needs to find another tenancy. I'm sure he'll see the funny side.

In what way was it a good relationship before he moved in?

Ooh, it’s a draw at the moment two goals being scored with a couple of minutes of each other.

Can’t get my head around this! How old is he?!!!
Shouldn’t be relevant but I am curious!
This would be a deal breaker for me.

He’s late 20’s and I’m early 30’s

Get some water as well. He'll probably start criticising for a glass of wine.

Just split tomorrow he's not going to take care of you. Stay safe tonight.

I'm not suprised you're pissed off, he just sees you as the fuck-maid who also pays the biggest COL expense for him* in the mortgage who he can fuck off at a moments notice so he can join his mates down the pub with all of his new found disposable income instead of having a relationship discussion. He'd be finding his shit on the doorstep when he swans back at 11 expecting a clean house and getting his leg over.

What a fucking twat.

*(I can't believe he tried to argue he was the main breadwinner because he bought more food shops! CF)