Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To regret moving DP in to my house

1000 replies

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:03

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
whathaveiforgotten · 16/04/2025 20:54

mothersdayhmm · 16/04/2025 20:43

Hmm. Does he do other stuff that’s considered male jobs? My DH is rubbish at housework BUT he does the supermarket shop, he cooks, he cleans the cars and makes sure they are running properly etc.

What does he do?

Does your husband leave his own shit stuck to the toilet then laugh in your face and ask ‘what do you expect, I’m a man’ if you say you’re not happy about it?

Because that’s the level of misogyny OP is dealing with here. Not someone who isn’t great at dusting but makes lovely dinners.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 16/04/2025 20:54

JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 13:53

We both WFH on Wednesday’s so I spoke to him on lunch.

He basically admitted he has never cleaned a bathroom before and was too embarrassed to ask me what he would need to do. His Mum insisted on visiting his flat every Friday to help with chores as in his words ‘I think she missed looking after me at home’ but he is adamant thats all she did and he cleaned everything else.

Re. split of chores he said he just assumed I was happy with how these were and that they mirrored his home life where his Mum did most of them so that’s ’all he’s known as normal’. He said his Dad was the main bread winner and he thought because he pays for full shops sometimes, our set up mirrored this.

I told him I disagree with that because I am paying the Mortgage and the odd shop being paid here and there doesn’t really amount to that much as we go little and often so everything is fresh. Even if he did pay for a load of shopping, I wouldn’t expect that to exclude him from chores.

He has agreed to sitting down with me tonight and working out a fair split (thanks to those who suggested getting his input on this rather than me reeling off what I think it should be).

He thought he was 'the breadwinner' despite the fact you both work full time and he moved into your house?! Hahahaha!

He sounds totally disrespectful and won't change. He hasn't even hung around to talk to you.

BreatheAndFocus · 16/04/2025 20:55

He’s an adult man and his mummy used to go round every week to clean his toilet and put the hoover round 🙄 And you’re his first serious relationship. I wonder why 😀

What did he expect would happen when he left your toilet dirty? That his new mummy would clean it up? 🤮 So unattractive 🤢

IainTorontoNSW · 16/04/2025 20:56

@JadeySmiles
>> Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially
>> ruined our relationship by moving him in
>> too early..

Yes, it's moderately "normal".
There are still serious misogynists out there who really do believe the 'olde worlde' BS that domestic work or home chores are "women's work".

At your first opportunity, telephone your DP's mother and cut loose on her. Then castigate the man's father. Any woman or man who has let a male grow into an adult since the mid-1970s and not "wised him up" about the fair processing of home chores needs shaming.

Your DP is poorly-raised.

And now, as a 'legally' qualified adult, in a modern world, he deliberately ignores social trends and much of the world moving forward.

Do you, perchance, own a firearm or deadly weapon? It may be your last hope. Let karma reign.

CalicoPusscat · 16/04/2025 20:58

There are some lovely men out there but he doesn't sound like one?? I think we're all blowing the whistle and saying get out, don't get trapped

Willyoujust · 16/04/2025 20:59

He sounds absolutely vile. I would kick him out before he gets too settled!

AndrinaAdamosballetshoes · 16/04/2025 21:02

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 16/04/2025 20:52

I wish I could get a flashforward to 5 years time. 2 kids under her belt (OPs obviously broody / desperate), no marriage (because he holds the cards), he won't change nappies / do night feeds / take kids to soft play because these are all pink jobs, you'll be part time and asking mumsnet what to do because you want to leave but can't afford to - he's entitled to half the house and you can't afford the bills on your own. FFS woman up!

Show quote history

You need to read this post OP because this is your future.

AndrinaAdamosballetshoes · 16/04/2025 21:03

And to add to my post he will be entitled to half the house that was fully yours before you met him.

Original poster
JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 21:08

I haven’t had any reply and he has definitely read it…so god knows when he’ll turn up.

I don’t usually drink midweek but I’ve poured myself a large glass of wine!

OP posts:
CalicoPusscat · 16/04/2025 21:10

@JadeySmiles breathe and relax and sip your wine. I think you know what to do.

momtoboys · 16/04/2025 21:15

Ugh. I'm sorry. I would be asking him to look for a new place because you feel it is too soon to live together.

OnTheBoardwalk · 16/04/2025 21:15

@JadeySmiles you’ve not answered the question on what he contributes financially to his bills and accommodation. Yes he will have savings to get on your mortgage if he's not paying anything

I had a cocklodger who told me he didn’t clean the kitchen as he thought I liked doing it

S0j0urn4r · 16/04/2025 21:17

I think it's time to change the locks.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/04/2025 21:18

JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 21:08

I haven’t had any reply and he has definitely read it…so god knows when he’ll turn up.

I don’t usually drink midweek but I’ve poured myself a large glass of wine!

Good for you. Can you answer some of the questions?

What is he paying each month since he's moved in?
What is he doing in the house other than the odd food shop and washing up?
Did he wash up tonight?

How do you feel reading all the posts about him?

Harrysmummy246 · 16/04/2025 21:19

Get rid now. Who cleaned his flat when he lived there? Or can we only imagine the state of the place?

Gundogday · 16/04/2025 21:19

Drinking wine in solidarity (any excuse!).

Do you reckons he’s telling his mates that he’s escaped his missus indoors who wanted to chat about chores?!

Gundogday · 16/04/2025 21:20

Harrysmummy246 · 16/04/2025 21:19

Get rid now. Who cleaned his flat when he lived there? Or can we only imagine the state of the place?

His mother, every Friday!

DorothyStorm · 16/04/2025 21:22

I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early
This is such an odd way to view it. He is a lazy manchild. He has out and out told you he thinks cleaning is women's work. And his action matches that. Why would you assume it was a joke?

WhatMummyMakesSheEats · 16/04/2025 21:24

This is so early to show these colours. Imagine you want to have children, you’ll get no support because it’s a “woman’s job”. I couldn’t have coped with babies / toddlers if DH wasn’t as brilliant as he is.

pinkyredrose · 16/04/2025 21:25

He could've told his mate sorry no, not tonight, got more important things to do. I bet you were watching his arse dissappear out the door thinking 'wtf'.

So contemptuous of him to leave like that. He's shown you how he sees you.

However amazing he was when you met him doesn't matter, he was obviously trying to woo you (and your house, cooking, laundry, cleaning etc). He's got his feet under the table.

He won't want to leave his hotel but this relationship isn't making you happy is it.

I'd be tempted to tell him to stay with his mate and have all his stuff packed up for him to collect tmw.

TheFormidableMrsC · 16/04/2025 21:25

AndrinaAdamosballetshoes · 16/04/2025 21:03

And to add to my post he will be entitled to half the house that was fully yours before you met him.

I said this in not so many words early on in this thread. Absolute insanity. This has to be one of the most frustrating threads I’ve ever read here. However, you can only lead the horse to water….

FOJN · 16/04/2025 21:25

He basically admitted he has never cleaned a bathroom before and was too embarrassed to ask me what he would need to do. His Mum insisted on visiting his flat every Friday to help with chores as in his words ‘I think she missed looking after me at home’ but he is adamant thats all she did and he cleaned everything else.

LOL embarrassed my arse. FFS I presume he has a responsible job and yet he freely admits to being too stupid to work out how to clean a bathroom. It's amazing what men will say to avoid domestic work. His mum missed looking after him? Of course, women live to be a skivvy to men.

Re. split of chores he said he just assumed I was happy with how these were and that they mirrored his home life where his Mum did most of them so that’s ’all he’s known as normal’. He said his Dad was the main bread winner and he thought because he pays for full shops sometimes, our set up mirrored this.

Tell him he'll need to pay for everything if he wants a trad wife. Covering the cost of an occasional shop does not a "main bread winner" make. The lazy arse wants all the benefits of "traditional" set up with none of the effort or responsibility.

If you stay with this bloke, put him on your mortgage and have kids with him you will live to regret it. Hopefully you'll make a decision that's in your best interests but if not we'll see you back here in a few years when you're broke and exhausted with kids, work and all the domestic responsibility and he's fucked off out to the pub again.

Sorrentino · 16/04/2025 21:25

JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 21:08

I haven’t had any reply and he has definitely read it…so god knows when he’ll turn up.

I don’t usually drink midweek but I’ve poured myself a large glass of wine!

Right, so he expects you to literally clean up his shit and goes to get pissed with his mates instead of having a serious conversation about the future of your relationship. He bragged to his friends about his 'I'm a man so I don't clean up after myself' views in front of you. He doesn't respect you and will revert to treating you like his mummy within weeks (if not days) of whatever you agree because what you want and treating you like an equal is not important to him.

You seem like a really together person who deserves to be in a relationship with another fully functional adult. This person has not reached that bar and has no interest in it.

I think you should leave a turd for him to clean up. Seems only fair.

Gemmawemma9 · 16/04/2025 21:27

He’s a tosser. Massive red flag so so early on OP-he is showing you who he is, how much he respects women and what he expects in future. Do with that what you will.

pinkyredrose · 16/04/2025 21:28

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

I mean seriously. My fanny clamped shut just reading that.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.