To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

There's nothing that kills romantic feelings quicker than seeing their shit all around the toilet and having to clean it so you're literally not living in shit.my divorce came through a year ago primarily because of this.( also not paying his way and D.V.

The sad thing is that you’re invested enough in this relationship to have started a thread, come up with a plan, plan time to sit down with him, worried about putting him off (?!!) all while the most headspace he’ll give this is saying “thank fuck you invited me for a drink mate, she wanted a big sit down talk about cleaning the toilet so I ate the dinner she made and legged it” making you sound like a ‘nag’ to his mates.

If I was your friend I would want to shake you so much.

The disrespect for him laughing about leaving shit for you to clean up and the audacity of asking what else you expect… I am baffled you are still with him.

My 19 Yr old DS was also invited out to watch the match quite last minute. He was on his way out to a friend's house when I reminded him that it was his job to empty the dishwasher today.... so he's just gone to do that.
I can only hope he respects his partner in the future to pull his weight in their shared house.

How many chances are you going to give him?

Where did you find him? Climbing out of a Time Machine? Bloody hell😬

Who did wash up tho? Or did he finish his dinner, leave his plate on the table with uneaten food on for you to deal with and go straight out the door?!

You do know that you’ll already be on the back foor if you do that. He’ll be tired, got work tomorrow, had a couple of beers, will try & distract you & make you laugh /have sex. It’s already too late OP. Avoidance & abdication of responsibility is a default setting on these models.

If he still wants a relationship with you, then ask him to look for somewhere else to live.
I’ve just started living with my DP after 13 years and there are ground rules and they apply to both of us.

Lay down the boundaries/rules/expectations to him, give him a couple of weeks, if nothing seems to change and he's not making any effort, show him the door.

He's fallen on his feet here hasn't he? Or he thinks he has! Get rid!

No no NO! There is an outside chance you could house train him to do general chores in time. But not having the knowledge, sense and decency to clean his OWN shit in the toilet? He doesn't care enough to learn or change, even about his own self-respect. Get rid. His mum can mop up the mess.

Ok this has to be ragebait now.
As there is a slim chance you're for real though, and that other women might be reading and assessing where their own bar is... This is his best. This is him a few hours after you initiated an important conversation about an issue that would be game over for most women. This is him knowing he needs to step up. This is him impressing and trying to salvage a relationship.
And how that's played out is that he's not cleared up, he has left you to spend time with important men, he's not taken the first opportunity to show you how much better he can do at being an adult human being.
He's telling you who he is and you are completely ignoring him.

OP, I’m a SAHM so a big part of my job is like 90+% of the house cleaning. In close to 20 years with my DH I have never had to scrape his poo off the toilet bowl. It’s literally not rocket science. With no kids and you both working, a next to no chore split is nonsensical and a major insight into what your future looks like.

Get him out and reclaim your home.

Well you threw the ball in his court and what’s he done with it? Kicked it into the long grass and opted for his mates, pub and football …. he’s telling you exactly where you stand (4th in priorities at best) when are you going to believe him and give him the boot? It’s only going to get worse in the future although he’ll probably make some short term promises to keep you off his back for now. You can do better than this!

well that should increase the domestic harmony!

about considering the ancient adage -
don’t take a note of what he says but take a note of what he does

• ie actions speak louder than words

Yeah nah. If I have to do the lion’s share of cleaning he can live elsewhere.

Put him in the bin! Lazy disgusting twat

Well, he’s clearly shown where his priorities lay!

Did you lie on the floor so he could walk all over you as he left?

please listen to the hundreds of posters telling you: this is who he is. He will not change. He may pretend for a bit until he traps you with a mortgage and kids but deep down he is a lazy, misogynist pig who thinks he’s better than women and this includes you

I think you know your worth is more than cleaning up another man’s skid marks

No one wants him back

I am wholly despairing.

Fuming for you.
Is he in work tomorrow? How likely is it to be 1/2 3max? Or is it an all nighter?
Don't drop this conversation.

1. Genuine invite - 100% coincidence
2. Genuine invite - couple of drinks conversation may be possible.
3. Avoidance - comes back bit too passed tipsy.
4. Avoidance - comes back pissed
5. Avoidance - crashes at friends - just get rid as when he comes back he's likely to act like it's done!

Even if invite was Genuine for other options he is still avoiding by that point.

This man is not unique - unfortunately, there are a plague of them out there. He is a leech. A parasite. He will drain every spark of energy you have ever held within your precious soul because he does not want to nurture you and things that are important to you. He wants to drain you. You are a resource to him.

It's not a question of you 'approaching it in the right way', 'explaining it to him by breaking down chores/methods/tasks', drawing up a 'time-table' so he doesn't get confused of what week it is/who does what - it will not matter one iota how you choose to manage this because HE DOES NOT WANT TO DO IT. That is it. He is not interested in cleaning his own faeces from your toilet. He is not interested in contributing proactively to the management of the home you share. He is not interested in your equality. Have you ever known ANY man to shy away from something that they are interested in? No, of course not... They'll move heaven and earth if they actually want to succeed at doing something well.

Do what you want, but if you are going to stick with this disappointment of a man, do an experiment - save this thread and schedule send a copy of it to your inbox to arrive in a year's time and see what we say is true.

I will place every last coin I own on him doing absolutely fuck all to change.

and a brown job!