To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

He wasn’t embarrassed about not knowing how to clean a bathroom. He wasn’t embarrassed bringing it up in front of friends and saying he’s a man and that you should be cleaning the bathroom.

He doesn’t need to be taught not to leave his poo in the toilet bowl for you to clean - he certainly wasn’t embarrassed then.

Look, I know you’re not going to take any advice here. But you need to know that he might clean the bathroom and adhere to your chore schedule - but a time will come when he will revert back to his learned behaviour. It will probably be at some point after you refinance your mortgage and add him to the mortgage and the deed. Or it might be when you’re pregnant and he thinks you won’t leave him.

He has told you what he is and you refuse to believe him because you had a talk over lunch.

I bet they will - its called buying in

he has savings as you are subsidising him

you opened this thread with regret now you are talking mortgage and babies

now I’m wondering …

Mmm I got so many thoughts/opinions going through my head.. The fact he couldn't be honest to admit he's doesn't know how.. Ok I'm writing this and I'm thinking really? Like wipe down and scrub the bath? Sponge and even showegel for basics... Anyway i don't think he would mind to be honest sharing the work load. He just liked living kushty he was spoilt. Show him the ropes first so no excuses just a mini demonstration don't wait for when it's your turn. I would actually put a rota up on fridge if that feels like it's too regiment just ease him in and say hoover all week first week work tops 2nd so he has no excuse to familiarise and get use to it, so no excuses he's forgotten what to do etc. Laundry away etc. But PLEASE PLEASEEEE whatever you do don't put him on the mortgage! His rent money would have just gone elswhere!!! Unless you're married then that would only be the reason to add him in!! Wayyy toooo early yet!. Take out the bins etc too.

Goodluck you can still save him. Keep us updated if you can!!!

Is it normal, probably yes, do you have to put up with it-absolutely not!!
my ex was the same in the toilet, and I see it as the ultimate mark of disrespect, that he saw that cleaning his sh@t of the toilet as my job!
I would be packing his bags and rethinking the relationship completely

Just be grateful you found out now before many years down the line. Kick him out. And dump him

You get fair play which is a set of cards with every imaginable chore and you share them out. You can swop chores around or whatever.

https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards

And this is why most men end up like clueless Neanderthels as singletons. Many do not get taught basic domestic chores and living standards- they assume it's all a woman's role. Well, this is the modern day and we won't tolerate it any more. Tell that lazy doo da to either help out or get out!!

Well, the conversation won’t be tonight as he has had a last minute invite to the pub to watch the Arsenal match. Which came through just as he had polished off dinner 🙄

Nah, my husband was make last time I checked and still cleans up the toilet and pushed the hoover around…at a minimum. He knows I won’t stand for anything else. This walloped is pushing your buttons to see how far he can push it.

Please don’t have a family with this man.
His views are already entrenched.
He have played the game today but he showed who he was out with your friends.
So many women on here can go back in time to the first red flag they ignored. Then after many they are trapped with a man who does very little outside of work, prioritises their leisure time and leaves them bringing
kids solo.
I often wonder about men like this - what do they do if they go to another female’s home? Could be a nan, auntie, neighbour, friend? Because they know not to leave a mess there.
He can’t be that old, he wasn’t brought up in the 1940’s.

Back out he goes.

I don’t think you’ve ruined anything, just accelerated the time it’s taken to find out he’s a twat.

Perhaps he can call back his kitchen and bathroom fairy when he moves into his own place.

Ok you need be clever now make sure there no footy on get him to things early on. And if he's making excuses tell him this ain't working. I hope his mum realised she's done more damage than good

It's so frustrating reading your posts. You describe someone who has antiquated ideas about sex roles, who thinks because he buys a bag of shopping you should do everything else, who was happy - as an adult - to have his mum clean his home, who's gone out for a drink with his mates rather than sort this mess out...

Then you say you're considering losing your financial independence to this man and having a baby with him.

I'm lost for words, OP. Can you really not imagine what your future would be like with him. AND you wouldn't even have your own home any more! And if you split up after having a baby, you wouldn't have the same right to stay in your own home that you do now, and I'd bet my own house that he'd go for 50:50 and his mother would spend all that time with your child.

Use your brain! I'm sure he's good in bed but the dopamine hit you're getting from having sex with him is massively clouding your judgement.

Did eh clean up before he went out ! Dishes all washed dried and put away ?

The end.

This man sounds like he sees OP more like his mum
than anything else. He’s bought of a bit of shopping, and so that’s enough.
And you can bet your life that text wasn’t random. Football must come first.

Are you with him because you want children?

Oh OP, you've been mugged off.

Again.

so this man doesn’t know how to google something he doesn’t know?
it’s not your job to teach him and it shows he’s got no idea what goes in to home management.

i hope the talk works for you but I would worry he will over estimate his contribution and feel resentful when you just want 50/50 given he has never taken on any of this.

its actually outrageous that he thought buying the odd food shop meant you should clean his bog forever more! I can’t understand the logic without entitlement being the main factor here.

lets hope he prioritises the talk with you and you see meaningful change. But if you struggle I’d be tempted to look again. This really comes back to haunt you if you have kids.

I bet that was the first he heard of it…wise up

That you cooked??

Wise up lady, this is not the man for you

Well, time for him to learn female then. Ask him to leave, now. Let’s see if he laughs again 😒

No his behavior isn’t normal and trying to make you think that so that you do all he doesn’t want to really put the perspective on how he sees you/cares for you.

Next!

All of this with bells on… OP, read and re-read this and then picture the future you’re willingly creating for yourself. Do you think having children with a lazy man with antiquated ideas of gender roles is going to end well for you? For the love of all things holy, don’t put this man on your mortgage.

Is this whole thread just a wind up?? Are you for real OP?

So he can't prioritise your relationship over a football match on a telly in a pub?