To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

End it, if he can't be bothered to wash away his own skid-marks, his laziness will only get worse, he'll expect you to wait on him hand and foot, these are days of equality, he needs reminding of that, laughing about being asked to clean the bathroom is just rubbing salt in the wound, he's not worth it.

I know what you mean. This guy is so good at how he plays a selfish, narcissistic man. I actually got triggered watching some of his skits because it was too real. It was a scene where he was angry and breathing deeply. I couldn’t watch it. In a lot of the comments people say similar - they can’t watch it because he freaks them out. I have to remind myself “he’s not real, he’s not real!”

No, you’ve been very smart and tried out living with him before getting married. Imagine finding all of this out after you were married. It’s so much harder to exit the relationship then.

I doubt he will change as these attitudes are often engrained by upbringing. You can either give him the chance to change, or tell him that moving in together was a mistake and you think he should move out. There really isn’t a future with someone like this, so you may want to end it if he doesn’t change.

You should think of the opportunity cost of coasting along with this guy. Don't waste years with him when there is no happy future ahead.

I taught ds to use the toilet brush from the age of about 5. This really isn't on.

Excellent post. Particularly
"You’re years ahead of him developmentally & in maturity."

He's already taking the p out of you in front of your own friends for asking him to take a share of the chores... and that remark "because I'm male." Even said in jest, (although we all know he means it) just sums up his entire attitude.
Me Male. You servant. Which is ironic considering you've already managed to mortgage and buy your own home.

What changed my mind about your chat with him, was when you said you want children... and all I could think was... do you really want to spend time "re training" this person, which may not be possible.. or waste years of fertility on someone who doesn't sound like good father material..
Although a MIL who doesn't mind popping round to clean does sound handy. (only joking)

he'll expect you to wait on him hand and foot,

As she has done for these last few months that he has been living in your home.

You must be sorely disappointed in him.

He thought he was the breadwinner as he buys the odd bit of shopping?!

is he cuckoo?

And what did he say about leaving a dirty toilet? Absolutely disgusting - I’d never want to sleep with him again!

Perhaps he hoovers and you dust and polish as l don't know any men who do a good job of dusting/polishing.

Parents & their savings. Oh OP!! Is this him functioning as an independent adult?
I’m assuming he earns more than you & you’re sadly believing this will compensate for his lack of presence & involvement down the line. You are unconsciously accepting this trade off & the bit about pulling his weight a mere hurdle in what seems like a full gone conclusion. We all want secure partners to procreate with (no not everyone wants to procreate etc etc obviously). But it’s not a question of the right ingredients on paper unfortunately, if only it were. It sounds like your desire for happily ever after & the reality are a little further apart than you’d thought. Take the money & parents out of the equation. If you earned more than him & he was living at home & joking about the same sexist shit to your friends, would he seem such a catch? I’m not calling you shallow or money obsessed far from it, just blinkered I feel & possibly broody & hoping he’s The One.

I'm sorry - I'm not buying the "I've never had to clean a bathroom so I don't know how" schpeel. That his Mum only cleaned the bathroom ? Yeah, right.

If he was cleaning the rest of his flat, why couldn't he transfer his kitchen cleaning skills into bathroom cleaning. Because he never did.

The killer for me was when you challenged him to help and his response for not helping was "I am male". Frankly, if he had said this to me, he would have been lucky to get out alive, let alone try and humiliate you in front of friends by making a joke of you asking for his input.

You asked pages back - how long would it take to train him up ? Cleaning skills-wise probably weeks, but as someone else has said it's not the cleaning that's your problem, I know you think it is but it isn't. Your problem is his "I'm male (with a silent -therefore I don't do housework)". And that my friend is a life time of therapy to change that view and even then only if he wants to change. And you will need to be constantly vigilant. And let's be honest, he's not covering himself in glory there by showing willingness.

Please for the love of all you hold holy - don't plan to have kids with this man. I'll be honest with you, I think you're wasting your time with him. I get that you might want to give him another chance, but I think you're falling for the Sunk Costs fallacy

yes, the deep breathing, triggering, expecting him to start pawing the carpet-
and the hideous sweater

he is good, his stance, his menace, awful

Before you have that big chat, look on the 'Fair Play' website. It has amazing resources for this type of discussion (such as setting a specific 'minimum standard' required). Also read the book. It'll really help.

Oh yuck!
I'm a bit bothered that you're not really seeing how off his behaviour is, even after so many comments pointing out how backward he is.
Hope you see the light before getting more involved with him.

Whoops. This will not be an easy fix. His views seem well thought out, fixed and entrenched. You need to ask yourself whether his attitudes and behaviours fit with how you want to live the rest of your life. Once those heady days of romance settle ask yourself what you might be left with? It might be worth sitting down and telling him how and why you feel the way you do and suggest a way forward viz-a-viz domestic role sharing. I've been a social worker for 40 odd years and there is often a pattern whereby in future years you might end up being stuck in the house while he establishes his 'right' to go out with his mates etc. it's not a question of moving in together too soon, sometimes it's only when you live with someone that you get see the reality up close.
You might have a decision to make.

I agree. I used to get so triggered watching him - I actually had a physical response. This guy is so good at how he portrays his characters. He does another one which is an older guy who dates a much younger female and it’s crazy how good he is at playing a loser.

Who shops for food , who cooks it , who washes up , who makes teas / coffee ?
We know cleaning ( in his words ) is not for hallowed men ( ! ) but surely he takes his turn in the above 50/50 ?
I think he needs to get his own place .

This

Throw him back OP. You know why. Just throw him back.

The 99% and all the advice already given should be all you need for you to make the right decision and get rid before it’s too late. Alarm bells ringing already.

Might be normal for some men, who haven’t grown up. But it doesn’t sound like he’s the sort of man you want. As others have said, he doesn’t sound like a good bet. I have lived with my husband for a long time and he wouldn’t dream of ever saying anything like that, and neither would any of our three sons. You can do better.

I take it you've thrown him out?

chrisgqperry on youtube, profound, cut to the bone advice

Relationship ending. His views are ancient and I'd just dump him. Unlikely to change .

@JadeySmiles what part does religion, culture, & heritage play in his upbringing? Are his views shaped by any of these (I mean everyone’s are to varying degrees)? Does he equally passively accept & enact these in the same way he does with his attitudes to & treatment of women (as subservient)? Him just doing it because his parents did excuse implied again a lack of development, exposure to others & individual differences crucial to healthy development as a rounded individual. How do you find that attractive? Just because that’s what his parents do & have always done is a really passive & ignorant way of looking at the world. I know I couldn’t be with someone if that’s how evolvedcthey were.
Think!!!

Yuk!
He wants a maid not a partner!