Page 24 | To regret moving DP in to my house

Tbry24 · 16/04/2025 18:08

Completely not ok. My DP and I split the chores and daily stuff. We also try to tidy up as we go so never gets too bad. I do a little more as he’s currently working FT and I’m not due to my health plus we have kittens who are messy.

My partner has just worked all day and is now in the kitchen cooking us a homemade tea. He’s made me a cup of tea as well.

If I was you I’d ask partner to move out.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/04/2025 18:09

MustWeDoThis · 16/04/2025 17:47

Don't get angry...get even.

In this instance I would have clapped really loud and said, "Yes! Well done! Yes you are a male! I am female! You have penis, I have vagina. If you want put penis I'm vagina then you use your...what are these!? That's right! Liccle hands and picky up the cloffywoffy and cleany-weany stuff and be a good boy and do your chores! You'll get vagina as a reward!" Hand him the cleaning stuff and walk away.

You gotta be savage with some of these idiots. Don't forget to put on your best Mummy voice.

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That’s not savage it’s just nauseating. On every level. Sexual favours for chores. My whole body has just shuddered. Vile.

whathaveiforgotten · 16/04/2025 18:10

Have you forgotten OP that when you told him he had left his own shit in the toilet for you to clean up, he laughed in your face and asked what you expected as he’s a man?

His story about not knowing how to do a ‘proper’ bathroom clean doesn’t have anything to do with his utter disrespect for you laughing in your face and asking what you expect, on the occasions he happily left his literal shit for you (a woman) to clean up.

He fundamentally believes it’s your job to clean up after him. He’s lying if he tries to say otherwise now.

Do you really want to have a baby with a man who laughs at you when you say you aren’t happy cleaning up his shit from the toilet?

PoshHorseyBird · 16/04/2025 18:10

So who cleaned his bathroom in his flat then?? Or did he just not clean it? Maybe tell him that if he's not willing to clean the bathroom then he doesn't get to use it. However I think it would be easier to just throw the whole man out. He's shown you what he's like. Believe it.

blondieminx · 16/04/2025 18:11

IchiNiSanShiGo · 15/04/2025 19:06

This is not a situation that will ever improve. Bin him off and be thankful he’s shown his true colours so early.

This, with bells on

Laurmolonlabe · 16/04/2025 18:12

I've lived with the same man for 46 years- I wouldn't put up with it. It's normal for women to do the lion's share of the cleaning, but and it's a big but he shouldn't be laughing about it and he should take a reasonable share of chores he find acceptable- for instance my DP was fixing the roof today! Is he likely to pick up bigger jobs like this to offset not cleaning? if not then you need the conversation, if he doesn't get it, then I'm afraid for me he would be history.

Spankmeonthebottomwithawomansweekly · 16/04/2025 18:13

Laurmolonlabe · 16/04/2025 18:12

I've lived with the same man for 46 years- I wouldn't put up with it. It's normal for women to do the lion's share of the cleaning, but and it's a big but he shouldn't be laughing about it and he should take a reasonable share of chores he find acceptable- for instance my DP was fixing the roof today! Is he likely to pick up bigger jobs like this to offset not cleaning? if not then you need the conversation, if he doesn't get it, then I'm afraid for me he would be history.

Fucking hell, your ‘normal’ isn’t my normal!

PinkArt · 16/04/2025 18:13

JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 13:53

We both WFH on Wednesday’s so I spoke to him on lunch.

He basically admitted he has never cleaned a bathroom before and was too embarrassed to ask me what he would need to do. His Mum insisted on visiting his flat every Friday to help with chores as in his words ‘I think she missed looking after me at home’ but he is adamant thats all she did and he cleaned everything else.

Re. split of chores he said he just assumed I was happy with how these were and that they mirrored his home life where his Mum did most of them so that’s ’all he’s known as normal’. He said his Dad was the main bread winner and he thought because he pays for full shops sometimes, our set up mirrored this.

I told him I disagree with that because I am paying the Mortgage and the odd shop being paid here and there doesn’t really amount to that much as we go little and often so everything is fresh. Even if he did pay for a load of shopping, I wouldn’t expect that to exclude him from chores.

He has agreed to sitting down with me tonight and working out a fair split (thanks to those who suggested getting his input on this rather than me reeling off what I think it should be).

Did you question where his sexist comments came from when he was making this all up? Why his embarassment made him say ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’? Because the cleaning itself isn't the issue, it's that he thinks he's superior to you because he has a penis, and that is a big, big problem.
You seem to really want to believe he's not a misogynistic twat so good luck with that I guess.

Original poster

JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 18:13

@Labragoogle yeah it’s a shared plan, he’d come on the Mortgage tomorrow if I asked him (obviously I am waiting). He has savings in place and his parents will gift him some too.

OP posts:

JHound · 16/04/2025 18:13

JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 17:01

Just on the Mortgage point he was never going to be added to this until the point was reached where we are compatible living together and I always thought that would take quite a while. Plus he would need to pay in to match my equity. Nothing has changed in that sense.

The plan has always been to try for babies in the next couple of years.

I look forward to the posts in a couple of years with you whining about how exhausted you are and the shit father you chose for your kids.

JJMama · 16/04/2025 18:14

Ahhh he wants a Mummy, bless him. 🤮 get rid. Even a Mother wouldn’t put up with that crap, if she’s halfway decent. Neither should you. Cleaning his actual crap out of the toilet is gross. Honestly shocked that this is expected by him. How embarrassing.

OldScribbler · 16/04/2025 18:15

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2025 19:06

He told you who he was and you didn’t listen.

Who cleaned his bathroom before he moved in? Did he manage then or did his penis get in the way?

He’s disgusting. Get him out and dumped.

I would be a bit circumspect - by telling the truth. Say you like him but you come from a background where men play their part. You quite understand that every family is different but you're used to the way you were brought up and too old to change

TheAmusedQuail · 16/04/2025 18:15

JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 18:13

@Labragoogle yeah it’s a shared plan, he’d come on the Mortgage tomorrow if I asked him (obviously I am waiting). He has savings in place and his parents will gift him some too.

He needs to sell himself a bit harder though, if he wants to share your equity. Currently, he's a substandard model.

HomeTheatreSystem · 16/04/2025 18:16

Slightly off topic but look at sorting a cohabitation agreement to cover yourself in the event the relationship goes pear shaped.

JJMama · 16/04/2025 18:17

JHound · 16/04/2025 18:13

I look forward to the posts in a couple of years with you whining about how exhausted you are and the shit father you chose for your kids.

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Yep - he can’t possibly change nappies because HE’S MALE! He’s a shit human who leaves his shit for others to clean, why would this specimen ever be a good parent? No daughter of mine would be cleaning up after someone who thinks they’re better cus they have a penis! And no son of mine would ever treat a female like that! Do yourself a favour and cut him loose!

Serraphina · 16/04/2025 18:17

Dont waste another moment of your precious and finite fertile year on this pig.

Do not committ your future babies to a home life where their father degrades their mother - you will be so exhausted, angry and eroded by his treatment that you wont be able to be the best mother you can. This will suck the joy out of your life.

If you have a daughter are you happy for her to clean up her Dads shit - literally because thats what will happen. If you have sons you will be cleaning up the shit of 3 men in your own home.

Select a proper man to be the father of your future children they deserve better - dont subject them to a marriage with a manchild.

SoOxon · 16/04/2025 18:18

JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 17:01

Just on the Mortgage point he was never going to be added to this until the point was reached where we are compatible living together and I always thought that would take quite a while. Plus he would need to pay in to match my equity. Nothing has changed in that sense.

The plan has always been to try for babies in the next couple of years.

you are not listening to us

you hardly know this man after 1.5 years in

what happened to “see the seasons around twice?”

you are living in an artificial situation OP - now talking babies?

you seem really young, wilful, stubborn

what does your own mum/sister/best friend have to say about this
man/your future plans?

I despair, honestly

I apologise for this cliche, but honestly, car crash in sloooomoooo

Mumlaplomb · 16/04/2025 18:20

OP, even men who start off pulling their weight with housework can slip once a woman is on maternity leave, or fail to pick up their share of the extra load a child brings. Don’t start off with a dud as you will end up doing it all once you are tied down with marriage and kids. He has shown you who he is, believe him.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/04/2025 18:21

He basically admitted he has never cleaned a bathroom before and was too embarrassed to ask me what he would need to do. His Mum insisted on visiting his flat every Friday to help with chores as in his words ‘I think she missed looking after me at home’ but he is adamant thats all she did and he cleaned everything else.

Surely, if you can clean a kitchen or a lounge, you can figure out how to clean a bathroom?! Wipe stuff till it's clean and then mop the floor?!

Re. split of chores he said he just assumed I was happy with how these were and that they mirrored his home life where his Mum did most of them so that’s ’all he’s known as normal’. He said his Dad was the main bread winner and he thought because he pays for full shops sometimes, our set up mirrored this.

Seriously?! So you do all the chores (like his mum) and he doesn't pay the mortgage (unlike his dad!). What did he say when you pointed this out?

He is either a complete CF or just isn't very bright.

LouOver · 16/04/2025 18:24

My mum worked in the 90's. It's 2025 how is there a generation of men born 1995 onwards who still believe this sexist shit....oh yes because its in their best interest to the poor puppy who doesn't know how to clean a bathroom.

How your vagina hasn't clamped shut at the the fact your going to teach a grown man how to use a toilet brush.....don't procreate with this waste of oxygen.

EMUKE · 16/04/2025 18:25

This won’t change! 15years in and no change. With men like this the first time you ask and they don’t do it, you have to have the biggest row. If you let it slide you can’t go back. I was told years ago by an old work college. Men are dogs, if a puppy jumps at the kitchen work top the first time you shout, scream and holla. You go crazy! so the puppy knows it’s done wrong. It doesn’t jump at the kitchen table again. If you let the puppy jump for months and months then get annoyed and tell it off it’s thinking wtf iv been jumping for months and nothings been said now my owner screams and shouts I don’t understand… for men it’s the same. Iv always been traditional but I also work and provide so it should be 50/50. It’s not a women’s job MANY police/army/military men are house proud. Il be honest I would see this as a major red flag. What if you’re going to have kids with him? Will he help then?!? Nah I’d calmly explain this isn’t working at the moment you rushed into this thinking you could cohabit together but you’re not there yet. Give him a month to find somewhere and see if he helps for that month? Give it a bit longer then discuss moving in then go through the details of cleaning, finances, bills ect, good luck but his not the one.

ArtTheClown · 16/04/2025 18:27

Just be careful. Even if he starts pulling his weight a bit more now, the chances of him reverting once you're on mat leave are high, and then you'll be a lot more stuck.

Tristan5 · 16/04/2025 18:28

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:03

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

This is pretty awful!

I’m a man and love doing all the housework, my wife loves this too!

He sounds like a lazy pig, get rid of him pronto!

Unsureabouteverything · 16/04/2025 18:29

It is definitely not normal. Please do not put up with this.

thestudio · 16/04/2025 18:29

Sorry if everyone's said this but:

how on earth did you get 1.5 years in without having a conversation which revealed his genuine and absolute misogyny?

How can you move in with someone without knowing what he thinks about this stuff, and all other important moral/ethical/ideological issues?

I'm genuinely perplexed - what do you talk about?