To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

You don't have a partner.

You have a long term project.

A sexist, misogynistic, incapable project.

I'm not buying the embarrassed nonsense....there's YouTube videos on cleaning bathrooms of He really is that stupid.

Can you imagine what he will be like as the father of your children? You will have to do everything. He'll be the guy who wouldn't help and won't want to try.

He'll be the Disney Dad post split type who'll throw money at parenting and that even at best.

Think very wisely. Do you really want to be a project manager where the risk of failure is almost guaranteed?

Yeah, I've been very similar all my life, hence why it took me forever to meet equal partner.

I’m sorry but unless he is willing to rethink his attitude then this isn’t going to work. He is a lazy misogynist twat who needs a reality check. Hard to change from that.

Please do not have babies with this man.

He’s outstayed his welcome. He was a guest now he needs to leave. Change the locks. If he has family, drop his stuff over there. They can have him back. He’s a user.
Do a Gloria Gaynor

This completely.

If he doesn't have the wherewithal to work out that a bathroom needs cleaning and how do it, how on earth will be learn to take care of a baby?

The answer is that he won't.
You will always be the default parent.

He may at best take care of the child for a couple of hours when they are a bit older but only if you've prepared the snacks, packed the bags with everything they need and researched where the best playground/sports lesson is to take them to.

And he will expect you to be vocally grateful when he brings them home again for you to feed, bath and put to bed while he goes watches sport or his on his phone

Show him this post, he should understand fully.. buck up or ship out.

Well, you will do whatever you want to do. But you will always have this thread to remind you that you could have got out early on.

Don't get angry...get even.

In this instance I would have clapped really loud and said, "Yes! Well done! Yes you are a male! I am female! You have penis, I have vagina. If you want put penis I'm vagina then you use your...what are these!? That's right! Liccle hands and picky up the cloffywoffy and cleany-weany stuff and be a good boy and do your chores! You'll get vagina as a reward!" Hand him the cleaning stuff and walk away.

You gotta be savage with some of these idiots. Don't forget to put on your best Mummy voice.

I've read the updates and it's great that you're both communicating. I can see you're about to talk about specific division of chores, so can I just add something:

shitting up the toilet is something to be taken care of then and there. That's not something to leave for someone else because it's 'their week to clean the toilet' or whatever. Toilet cleaning needs doing on a regular basis and happens even when there isn't shit on it (he might believe otherwise, from the sound of him!) It's incredibly rude and disrespectful to just leave shit there for someone else to clean when 5 seconds with a toilet brush would sort it.

I say this as someone who literally just had to remind my DH of 21 years of this. I'm not precious or obsessed with cleanliness, but I feel as if that's a bare minimum of sharing a house with literally anyone, much less someone you see as a partner.

Oh my god, I think my vagina just clenched shut…massive ick for me. I prefer real men not man-babies

Not remotely normal - that that one the fuck back to his mother

He needs to vamenos. Pronto.

For this type of reason we gave a cleaner and my husband pays. I won’t clean up his shit not his piss as he is a fully functioning adult.

my husband cleans the bathroom every week. Absolutely what you’re describing isn’t normal.

The thing is, one can 'hold a pose' for a long, long time if there is good enough incentive. And getting your name on a piece of property is a very good incentive. But once the goal is accomplished or once they believe they have you right and tight, that pose will start to slip. I saw it 'in real time' with my BBF and her now exH. It was almost three years after their marriage that he showed his true self. And they'd 'dated' for at least 2 years before that. So FIVE years before the shit hit the fan.

So IF that day ever does come, please see a solicitor about safeguarding your home and the money you've put into it.

And please don't try for babies 'in the next couple years'. Try for them AFTER the next couple years. It's going to take at least that long, if not longer, for him to prove himself. If he ever does.

Ditch him now OP, it won't get better and if it gets worse I dread to think what comes next.

In fairness your cleaner shouldn't be cleaning up his shit or piss either.

I’d nip this in the bud early. He won’t change. I was caught out similarly with my now husband. His flat was always a tip and his mum cleaned it for him. We were young and I assumed he’d step up when we moved in together. He didn’t. And we’re 16 years down the line and he still only does chores if asked!!

Not normal, should clean up after himself at the minimum

He's just taking the piss now. He says he was mirroring his parents set up when Dad earned the money and Mum looked after the home - while you pay the mortgage!!!

And he couldn't even use toilet paper to quickly clean the toilet after him. Because his Mum cleaned his bathroom every Friday afternoon, but he cleaned the rest of his flat, Scouts Honour!

And you're still thinking of having kids with this man who doesn't respect you and seems to think you're a fool.

Move him back out and say goodbye.

@JadeySmiles is this your plan or a shared plan? You seem more driven by what you want (no bad thing) but a man living at his mum’s & having everything done for him, to becoming an autonomous adult & soon to be parent is no mean feat. You’re years ahead of him developmentally & in maturity. Is he the one leading with these life goals or is he happily going along with them because by being with someone like you who has their shit together (& your own home, even better) you can carry him through these milestones? Where he is cushioned from having to take any of the risks that becoming independent actually requires? I think this happens to all of us to a degree (in that our peers play a big role in how we develop & evolve through life’s stages). But if you’re the one leading it, you’re also the adult one in your dynamic & this will play out in how things go down the line. You will always be the one left bearing the load & facilitating/wrestling with his abdication of responsibility & dependence on you. (You already feel a bit bad if you were to split up with him because you “asked him to move in” suggesting already elements of guilt & responsibility taking for his wellfare when all you would be doing is ending your relationship with him like you would anyone else. Red flag alert to self! Are you without truly knowing it yet a caretaker or in any way have codependent tendencies!! It’s ok if you do & again a trait in all of us (especially women) to certain degrees but it could already be informing the way you relate to this man & how things may pan out down the line! Have a look at what may be going on here. Why did you ask him to move in? How come you never clocked the magic cleaning fairy??

I digress - I think especially dependent (& obvs any!) types of men can offend cheat soon after a pregnancy or after DC are born because the fun’s dried up & life (& their wife) becomes too tedious & sleep deprived to either indulge them any more or take any more of their metaphorical & literal shit. They feel one minute it was all sex & grown up fun & before they knew it it’s all mortgage & kids. They blame their DW or partner for them having not taken their own steps to grow up & fully fledge. And resent their hobbies, boys nights or free time being encroached & fought over.

Think!!

You truly don't know someone until you live with them

I’m actually embarrassed for him, so he assumed you were happy to clean his skid marks from the toilet because it mirrors what his mum does for his dad. Grim.
But it’s okay as he paid for some crispy pancakes and pud pud last week so it all balances out babez…