To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

just read your update OP and I agree with this but having read @PsychoHotSauce 's comment about rewriting history I'd also add a note of caution, in case it's all talk on his part. He'd be on probation if it was me.

Also
He doesn't know how to clean? ie so he's done nothing in all innocence for fear of doing something wrong? Has he heard of You Tube? There's so many "Cleaning for novices who have no idea" on there, I've forwarded them often to my DC.

He's a mysoginist. You need to confront this now and he needs to be horrified and commit to change.... otherwise you will live with his shoddy attitude forever.

Of course everything he said in that conversation was a lie.

Adults don't need to be taught how to clean shit from a toilet.

Adults aren't too embarrassed to ask how to clean a toilet if they are not too embarrassed to leave their shit sitting there for their girlfriend to see and clean.

His mother didn't "help with chores" she cleaned his toilet for him and did everything else too.

He didn't think your situation was like his parents because it wasn't remotely like his parents.

He isn't going to do any of the stuff you put on a list. Well, he may for a week or so but then it is back to the truth he actually told you out loud "but I am male"

Still, he's brilliant so good luck OP.

@JadeySmiles what's brilliant about him?

as if

How old is this “man”? His mum cleans his flat as an adult, he’s been brought up with some notions about ‘women’s work’ and now he’s got you lined up to be his skivvy. What a catch.

So you’ve swallowed all that “it’s what my mom did” excuses? Has he been living under a rock? He knows we’ve got the vote now and everything? And wonen Don’t have to clean up a man’s shit to earn their keep / the housekeeping. Honestly, I don’t know how you can even look at him.

Such a turn off, I don't think I could even look at my guy if he behaved that way. I also would have never cleaned his sh... from the toilet, would have called him over to sort it out.

Also surprised mums charitable cleaning activities never came upon 1.5 years dating. lol

Oh the collective outrage of MN!! I fear OP is blinded by her feelings for him & no end of us warning her loud & clear is going to make her realise.

@JadeySmiles what really stands out to us all is the confidence with which your DP asserted his misogynist views & sense of humour & how out of touch that sounds in today’s world & why we all assumed he must be must be in his 60’s. Plse think long & hard about who you’re cohabiting with! That level of arrogance & public assertion of his beliefs about gender roles & women makes him horribly unaware. What does this says for all his other attitudes & beliefs? Politics? How does he not get in trouble in his work & social life? Presumably he’s surrounded by pple who share sumilar views. Eugh!! That should be enough to be giving you the ick seriously.

And how did he manage in his previous living experiences at uni or in house or flat shares? Has he never lived independently? That in itself is also a concern. You sound like you’ve gone through the milestones necessary for independence & quite rightly looking for a mate. He hasn’t. His mum has done everything for him to the point that in 2025 he thinks it’s ok to laugh about the subjugation of women.

Like everyone else has said he will play ball until the novelty wears off, the need to gain your approval will wane, & his hobbies & interests will take precedence over household chores & life admin. His job & his stress levels/lack of sleep/need for boys holidays will take precedence & you’ll always be having to accept scraps & token gestures that you’ll be forced to feel grateful for (when they fall way below what any autonomous adult should be doing for themselves let alone when cohabiting).

You’re talking of mortgages but please don’t let him anywhere near it!! Just read all the posts of women who come before you!! And as far as children - just don’t!! You already have him! Be grateful you’ve found out about him now & count this as a lucky escape. He can go back to his mum who by the sounds of it is enabling this manchild & who may also not take your role in his life that easily. Why is she looking after him still? Does she expect you to do the same? Get out!!

If you haven’t been utterly turned off by a man who not only leaves his literal shit for you to clean, but laughs about it and acts like it’s your job and when challenged comes up with such a tragic answer - that he is so very incompetent he not only let mummy continue to clean his shit up as a grown man but was also incapable of figuring out how to do it himself? Then I don’t really know any advice to help you honestly.

I will say though he’s taking the piss and he’ll do some half arsed jobs, be rubbish at them (weaponised incompetence), act like it’s too much for his poor manly brain to figure out how to do any housework he doesn’t want to and then improve a tiny bit for a short space of time when you have yet ANOTHER talk about it. And he’ll keep that up until you either do it all yourself anyway or you finally do lose all interest in him. Hopefully you don’t have kids by then for your sake as you’ll feel trapped and be looking after your grown man baby and the actual kids. He’s shown you exactly who he really is. Be strong and don’t let him persuade you with shit excuses, this is the point at which you decide if you’re worth more than a person who is meant to love you and be a partner with you who acts this way.

The list should also include,
if something needs cleaning/doing, just do it and
this list is not exhaustive.
(NB don’t say if you see something needs… otherwise he’ll probably use it as an excuse)

I’m curious as to how old he is. Also he embarrassed himself more by his remarks than by asking how you like it cleaned surely! That would hav3 given him a way round finding out what to do.

I’d be a bit cynical on the ‘oh I didn’t realise’ tack. He was being a chancer. ALWAYS start as you mean to go on, best know if he’ll be a lazy waster now than when you’re 2 kids in…

Hmm, sounds like some serious back pedalling there, he's twigged his cushy number could come to an abrupt halt. OP just make sure he's aware he's on notice. I can see an effort being made....and then he'll go back to being a lazy sod.

I thought the same!

Don’t put him on the mortgage!

He is implicitly blaming his mum for "not teaching" him how to clean and insisting on coming round and do it for him

Of course, it must be a woman's fault.

Cleaning isn't hard. My parents never taught me how to do it beyond observing throughout childhood that it was done. I assume he is aware of the existence of things like vacuum cleaners, mops, cloths and cleaning products? It's not like he has never noticed them?

Plus the internet exists. Google "how to clean a bathroom" and there are a million videos or tutorials or apps with step by step instructions.

I bet he does very little emotional labour either and you'll end up planning Christmas, holidays and buying gifts for his mum/nephews/sister.

https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards

Just on the Mortgage point he was never going to be added to this until the point was reached where we are compatible living together and I always thought that would take quite a while. Plus he would need to pay in to match my equity. Nothing has changed in that sense.

The plan has always been to try for babies in the next couple of years.

My 12 year old cleans her own bathroom once a week. I didn’t need to teach her how to do it.

The plan has always been to try for babies in the next couple of years.

Do an advanced search on here for topics on the lines of I've just had a baby and I'm exhausted but dh does absolutely nothing. there is at least one every day. Just so you have a good idea of what your life will be like.

Op protect your assets. Keep them separate if you can. Take it from us wise old vipers.

I’m guessing you’re in your late twenties or early thirties. Someone that age knows that jobs are shared between everyone .

As others have said, in some households, women do the ‘pink’ jobs and men do the ‘blue’. But that’s discussed and everyone works to their strengths, not assumed, and when you move in with someone, surely you are on your best behaviour ( honeymoon period) and aiming to please, not become a cocklodger.

You plan to have babies with this man???!!!

Seriously?

only under the condition if he learns to clean the toilet after himself and passes rigorous assessment of compatibility.

How can OP not see they are not compatible already is beyond me.

"The plan has always been to try for babies in the next couple of years."

Is his mommy going to come and parent a baby for him too?

This guy is useless and expects you to do everything. Adding in a baby is a ticket to miserable drudgedom for you.

Let me guess he likes to do 50/50 on first dates? What is it with men wanting to move into women’s property and act like this. It’s funny I owned my property outright in my 20s and the amount of men who’d invite themselves to move in making it clear they’d pay just towards the bills (when they’re there if they were travelling for work they wanted that discounted). I was to do cleaning and chores as it women’s work and when my reply was either “No way” they got rather annoyed and felt the contribution towards the bills was enough. Nope I love my space and 1/2 my electricity bill doesn’t cover that hassle. Get rid, he’s not a provider and a man should be a provider. Two can play the sexist game. I’ve had a child on my own 100% better than dealing with these selfish sods.