Page 21 | To regret moving DP in to my house

springbringshope · 16/04/2025 14:38

Ew. What a repulsive specimen. I can’t imagine you’d want to have sex with him

Wishimaywishimight · 16/04/2025 14:39

SoOxon · 16/04/2025 14:00

sigh

Show quote history

Yep! Honestly, if all OP has taken from these responses is that he needs to step up and do some chores then we have all (most of us) wasted our time responding.

You can give him all the lists you want, you cannot change his mindset which is that the women in his life are there to serve, cook, clean and wipe up his shit. No decent man would have spoken, or behaved, in the way that he has done.

Good luck with your chat. No doubt he will apologise, tell you he will do better and he may do. For a while. Then he will get bored of trying to pacify you by which time you will be more invested and no doubt, love him because he is otherwise "brilliant" and you will be stuck with this shit-for-brains chauvinist for good.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 16/04/2025 14:41

JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 13:53

We both WFH on Wednesday’s so I spoke to him on lunch.

He basically admitted he has never cleaned a bathroom before and was too embarrassed to ask me what he would need to do. His Mum insisted on visiting his flat every Friday to help with chores as in his words ‘I think she missed looking after me at home’ but he is adamant thats all she did and he cleaned everything else.

Re. split of chores he said he just assumed I was happy with how these were and that they mirrored his home life where his Mum did most of them so that’s ’all he’s known as normal’. He said his Dad was the main bread winner and he thought because he pays for full shops sometimes, our set up mirrored this.

I told him I disagree with that because I am paying the Mortgage and the odd shop being paid here and there doesn’t really amount to that much as we go little and often so everything is fresh. Even if he did pay for a load of shopping, I wouldn’t expect that to exclude him from chores.

He has agreed to sitting down with me tonight and working out a fair split (thanks to those who suggested getting his input on this rather than me reeling off what I think it should be).

I would not treat him as a child in this.
You do not want to be 'managing' his involvement in doing his share of chores in a shared home situation.

He is a grown ass man with access to youtube if he is still pretending he doesn't know how to clean.

Gundogday · 16/04/2025 14:47

His mum insisted… mmm. Sounds a bit suspect to be.

Out of curiosity, how old are you all?

Burntt · 16/04/2025 14:51

Re those breadwinner comments.

If you have children with this man then while on maternity he’s going to stop the little housework he does. All child related chores and washing will fall to you. You will have to reduce your hours ot whatever to accommodate a child. Childcare organisation will be on you. School holiday childcare sourcing will be on you. Kids shoe shopping, dentist, dr etc etc all on you. he will just be expecting this as that’s the famil set up he had growing up. It won’t even have occurred to him he should be an equal parent and if it has that will mean the fun play times etc not the drudgery or care. And because you will have to step back from work to accommodate all this the argument he is the breadwinner will be thrown at you if you ever complain or ask for help.

fuck that. Have a conversation about life and expectations with kids NOW. And if he doesn’t step up without regular nagging on the housework NOW bin the fucker off he won’t be an equal parent and you won’t be happy unless trad wife is your goal

FamilyFool · 16/04/2025 14:55

toomuchfaff · 15/04/2025 19:12

‘I am male’.

"It's become apparent in a VERY SHORT SPACE OF TIME since you moved in that we are not compatible, the relationship is over effective immediately and I want you to move out. You're a dimlo and I cannot spend my life with someone who is a misogynistic twat. You have a week. Find somewhere to live, even if its a hotel, it's not my problem, the locks will be changed next Tuesday. "

Wrote it for you.

Edited

This is perfect 👌

Burntt · 16/04/2025 14:57

Thisisittheapocalypse · 16/04/2025 14:41

I would not treat him as a child in this.
You do not want to be 'managing' his involvement in doing his share of chores in a shared home situation.

He is a grown ass man with access to youtube if he is still pretending he doesn't know how to clean.

Show quote history

Yeah exactly this. Prepare yourself for weaponised incompetence. He may clean the bathroom but do such a bad job you then have to do it again and give up nagging him. It’s a tactic and they know what they doing

itsmeits · 16/04/2025 15:00

Burntt · 16/04/2025 14:57

Yeah exactly this. Prepare yourself for weaponised incompetence. He may clean the bathroom but do such a bad job you then have to do it again and give up nagging him. It’s a tactic and they know what they doing

Show quote history

See that's where you have gone wrong.
You had them back the cloth and say bit more practice you will have it right first time everytime.

ExitPersuedByAPomBear · 16/04/2025 15:05

Burntt · 16/04/2025 14:57

Yeah exactly this. Prepare yourself for weaponised incompetence. He may clean the bathroom but do such a bad job you then have to do it again and give up nagging him. It’s a tactic and they know what they doing

Show quote history

And somehow the guy was convinced that because his mum was “insisting” to clean and was happy to clean the bathroom after him, OP would be doing the same. Maybe his mum insisted because she knows what he’s like and instead of trying to be an independent adult, he was happy for his mum to come once a week as an unpaid cleaner. And now he gets to live with OP where she pays the mortgage, does the cooking and all the laundry and instead of being appreciative he made jokes saying that he’s a man thereby implying that it’s not his job. To top it off, he was comfortable making these jokes in front of others. I think OP will continue to fall for his platitudes and sink more time in a toxic relationship.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 16/04/2025 15:05

FamilyFool · 16/04/2025 14:55

This is perfect 👌

Show quote history

It's perfect except she shouldn't give him a week's notice when he can go to his mum's today. What kind of atmosphere would there be in the house?

Serraphina · 16/04/2025 15:07

OrangeAndPistachio · 16/04/2025 14:37

Oh op , I wish you all the best , but nothing he says checks out.

Did mum really insist on cleaning for him? And as a pp has said he wasn't at all embarrassed when he said that he is male and is exempt from housework. You've asked him to do more but he assumed that you had the same set up as his parents. How can both of these statements be true?

I predict that he takes what he considers to be the easiest to avoid tasks and does a half arsed job but gradually stops doing them altogether. I bet you get the most frequent ones like washing up , drying up , cooking and washing clothes. He'll take the bathroom , hoovering and window cleaning. And you'll have to remind him to do those. You'll also have to remember to buy the cleaning products op , he'll be unable to clean the toilet because there's no bleach.

Agree - he's just gaslighting and manipulating you now.

Not respectful and not kind.

How could he assume it was all OK with you to live like his parents set up when you have asked him repeatedly subtly and escalating to directly to do chores?

And then he refuses.
And then he mocks you privately and again publicly with his degrading misogynistic behaviours.

ExitPersuedByAPomBear · 16/04/2025 15:09

MounjaroOnMyMind · 16/04/2025 15:05

It's perfect except she shouldn't give him a week's notice when he can go to his mum's today. What kind of atmosphere would there be in the house?

Show quote history

OP isn’t going to give him any notice. She’s going to ask him what he thinks he needs to do to get his input. And I’m assuming she’s planning to have this discussion today?

ExitPersuedByAPomBear · 16/04/2025 15:11

Serraphina · 16/04/2025 15:07

Agree - he's just gaslighting and manipulating you now.

Not respectful and not kind.

How could he assume it was all OK with you to live like his parents set up when you have asked him repeatedly subtly and escalating to directly to do chores?

And then he refuses.
And then he mocks you privately and again publicly with his degrading misogynistic behaviours.

Show quote history

@Serraphina My thoughts exactly. But it seems as though OP believes him.

OnTheBoardwalk · 16/04/2025 15:14

@JadeySmiles you said he does some shopping, does he pay his share of bills and for his accommodation?

BeRoseSloth · 16/04/2025 15:17

Does he pay rent and half of all utilities? Because he should.

Wanderergirl · 16/04/2025 15:20

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:03

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

It's not normal in modern age. However, some couples okay with that and have very defined male and female roles, although making mess in the toilet is just purely bad manners, such an ick! I imagine he is paying for everything, so you don't work to do it all on your own? If not, run and don't look back while you are young.

Swiftie1878 · 16/04/2025 15:21

JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 13:53

We both WFH on Wednesday’s so I spoke to him on lunch.

He basically admitted he has never cleaned a bathroom before and was too embarrassed to ask me what he would need to do. His Mum insisted on visiting his flat every Friday to help with chores as in his words ‘I think she missed looking after me at home’ but he is adamant thats all she did and he cleaned everything else.

Re. split of chores he said he just assumed I was happy with how these were and that they mirrored his home life where his Mum did most of them so that’s ’all he’s known as normal’. He said his Dad was the main bread winner and he thought because he pays for full shops sometimes, our set up mirrored this.

I told him I disagree with that because I am paying the Mortgage and the odd shop being paid here and there doesn’t really amount to that much as we go little and often so everything is fresh. Even if he did pay for a load of shopping, I wouldn’t expect that to exclude him from chores.

He has agreed to sitting down with me tonight and working out a fair split (thanks to those who suggested getting his input on this rather than me reeling off what I think it should be).

Don’t forget laundry - sorting, doing, folding, (any ironing) and putting away.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/04/2025 15:28

@JadeySmiles

Yeah, good luck going forward.

You'll get enthusiastic head nodding and agreement to your division of labour and 'the way it'll be going forward' but that's going to last only until he thinks he has you snowed. Then there will be a gradual lowering of cleanliness standards and intentional helplessness along with much moaning and complaining until you sigh and say "Never mind, I'll do it myself!". His mission will be accomplished and chances are you won't notice it happening. Well, you will now if you pay attention. Just remember, you may possibly sponge the spots off a leopard but he remains a leopard just the same.

Zucker · 16/04/2025 15:30

Aww his mummy insisted on cleaning for him because she loved him and doing the cleaning so much #Blessed

This guy will "change" for 3 weeks, but slowly you will find yourself again having this same argument with him. This time he'll be emboldened because he knows now he'll get away with the bare minimum and you will do nothing.

Imagine thinking because you buy a few things in the shops you are absolved of housework FFS.

Wanderergirl · 16/04/2025 15:31

JadeySmiles · 16/04/2025 13:53

We both WFH on Wednesday’s so I spoke to him on lunch.

He basically admitted he has never cleaned a bathroom before and was too embarrassed to ask me what he would need to do. His Mum insisted on visiting his flat every Friday to help with chores as in his words ‘I think she missed looking after me at home’ but he is adamant thats all she did and he cleaned everything else.

Re. split of chores he said he just assumed I was happy with how these were and that they mirrored his home life where his Mum did most of them so that’s ’all he’s known as normal’. He said his Dad was the main bread winner and he thought because he pays for full shops sometimes, our set up mirrored this.

I told him I disagree with that because I am paying the Mortgage and the odd shop being paid here and there doesn’t really amount to that much as we go little and often so everything is fresh. Even if he did pay for a load of shopping, I wouldn’t expect that to exclude him from chores.

He has agreed to sitting down with me tonight and working out a fair split (thanks to those who suggested getting his input on this rather than me reeling off what I think it should be).

Oh you are dating man-child. Mother coming to tidy up grown up mans apartment on Fridays? I suggest have a good think, try to wake up and just put into perspective that your boyfriend doesn't know how to clean the toilet after himself. You might be willing to put up with this educational stuff while relationship is still fresh, but I could put a bet on this you will grow tired from this.

Don't want to go there, but I believe his mother will soon show some strange traits too.

Also, for the entertainment, I would give him a full summary on how much it costs to live on per month. Doing food shop is bare minimum and it is shocking he doesn't grasp that. I think his mother must have paid his rent too.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/04/2025 15:36

Pipsquiggle · 15/04/2025 19:07

You aren't his maid or his mum.

He sounds like he's from the 1950s. Feel free to send him back there

This!
Plus canvassing your friend's DH to back him up and help him prove to you that all men agree with him, was even more annoying.
He didn't directly refuse to do it... he just gave you what he thinks are undeniable reasons why he should NEVER have to clean up afterhimself.
Did you ever get to see the state of his own abode?

He sees you as a servant.
In the Bin.

Genevieva · 16/04/2025 15:41

He can contribute by cleaning or pay for a cleaner.

PsychoHotSauce · 16/04/2025 15:45

I've read your latest updates, but not everyone's replies since. But the vibe I'm getting is that he's spun a very selective 'reimagining' of his life growing up, what his mum did on a Friday, and even his life now with you, all to paint himself in a better light than the reality.

The good thing about this is, is he would feel no need to do this if deep down he didn't know he was being a dick. He does. So that's a positive...

The bad thing is it shows a natural propensity to rewrite history to suit him. So I predict that once he gets fed up of your split of chores (and it won't take long) he'll be telling his mum/his friends a VERY different version about how today's discussion went... Shall I get my violin ready now or...?

Newgirls · 16/04/2025 15:47

You sound happy with the conversation OP and that’s what matters.

id make sure you keep the property in your name (he can always invest in a buy to let etc). Weekly meetings about things like this can be a good idea so stay on top of issues as you blend lives.

SoOxon · 16/04/2025 15:50

Wishimaywishimight · 16/04/2025 14:39

Yep! Honestly, if all OP has taken from these responses is that he needs to step up and do some chores then we have all (most of us) wasted our time responding.

You can give him all the lists you want, you cannot change his mindset which is that the women in his life are there to serve, cook, clean and wipe up his shit. No decent man would have spoken, or behaved, in the way that he has done.

Good luck with your chat. No doubt he will apologise, tell you he will do better and he may do. For a while. Then he will get bored of trying to pacify you by which time you will be more invested and no doubt, love him because he is otherwise "brilliant" and you will be stuck with this shit-for-brains chauvinist for good.

Show quote history

yes exactly ! I was supposed to be compiling a detailed report this morning but as you will see from my (too) many exasperated posts, I became increasingly involved with this poster who after all turns out to be a recalcitrant time waster and I’m sure I/we are not the only one/s feeling like this.

We are here offering shortcuts as someone pointed out, offering the benefits of our hard earned hindsight, to no avail.
This OP is going to lose everything at the rate she is hurtling.
We can do no more with this level of obduracy.