To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

We both WFH on Wednesday’s so I spoke to him on lunch.

He basically admitted he has never cleaned a bathroom before and was too embarrassed to ask me what he would need to do. His Mum insisted on visiting his flat every Friday to help with chores as in his words ‘I think she missed looking after me at home’ but he is adamant thats all she did and he cleaned everything else.

Re. split of chores he said he just assumed I was happy with how these were and that they mirrored his home life where his Mum did most of them so that’s ’all he’s known as normal’. He said his Dad was the main bread winner and he thought because he pays for full shops sometimes, our set up mirrored this.

I told him I disagree with that because I am paying the Mortgage and the odd shop being paid here and there doesn’t really amount to that much as we go little and often so everything is fresh. Even if he did pay for a load of shopping, I wouldn’t expect that to exclude him from chores.

He has agreed to sitting down with me tonight and working out a fair split (thanks to those who suggested getting his input on this rather than me reeling off what I think it should be).

You didn't ruin the relationship by moving him in too early... he's ruining it by being sexist..

This is surprising to read as he sounds chauvinistic.

“His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.”

If this is a serious post I cannot believe you have not kicked him out already.

I wouldn’t alternate, because I suspect he would forget/be too busy etc to do the bathrooms, and then it becomes your week to do them… . Either have set jobs, or alternate monthly rather than weekly.

It’ll be interesting to see how receptive he is, and whether he dies his chores or not.

I put YABU solely because you seem to suggests the issue is moving him in too early and not the fact that he is a sexist twat. The slightest hint of misogyny and you should be on your way.

And no matter what you “discuss” and “agree”….you will end up doing it all once he thinks you are too comfortable to leave. What is “brilliant” about him?

sigh

This he will behave until OP is pregnant or maybe has a ring on her finger then it will be BAU for him.

Didn’t seem that ‘embarrassed’ when he was laughing about women’s work in the pub.

Wise. Up.

Yes. Wise up. And don't have kids with him on put him on the mortgage or anything you can't get out of.

Men like this are users and have no shame. Anyone can google how to clean a fucking bathroom if they're embarrassed because they let their mum baby them into adulthood. I would bet my life he isn't embarrassed, he just didn't give a shit.

He's a 🤡

The art of swirling a toilet brush around the bowl is so intricate it takes years of dedicated training to master. Then comes the right wipe for the seat, a truly devilish process that requires finesse and elbow grease.

😱

well done on talking to him and well done on him realising that it's not acceptable just because his parents live like that.

my mum always did everything for my dad and some people do live like that, although my mum rebelled over the years as we grew up and refused to be ordered around by him.

It's right that he pays 50% of all bills except the mortgage/house ins/repairs. He could pay for more groceries in lieu of rent.

Sit down, work out a fair rota so that you are both doing 50% of the house work. Also have a talk about the future and what would happen financially/chorewise and also with childrearing once you have DC, because if he has old fashioned views on that too, then you need to discuss it all before you have DC.

If he doesn't stick to doing his fair share, then ask him to move out, or accept that you will be doing it forever, and even more when you have DC.

Definitely go through the jobs that need doing, how often they need doing... that once he knows what the jobs are, it is NOT YOUR JOB to be the 'site foreman'... if he sees a job needs doing, he does it - and he LOOKS for them.

That means when you get off the crapper you check for skiddies. When you use the sink you wipe up splashes/beard trimmings/shaving foam. When you finish making toast, you look around the kitchen and check things are away/crumbs wiped up.

Loads of men will absolutely agree to do 'their jobs' but then use this as a way of avoiding looking or doing anything else as its 'not my job'.

Weaponised incompetence incoming alert….

Has anyone here been “taught” how to clean a bathroom?

.

Nope.

Maybe by the Mr Muscle ad.

He’s such a liar. As if he thought you’d be happy to mirror his mum’s set up. What a dick head.

I decided to take over cleaning our family bathroom at 10 and this was the late 70’s when men did zilch.
My mum had started a new career at 40, and was also caring for her mum, so I decided on a list of jobs and got stuck in.
And there were less products and gadgets then. Plus we had carpet on the bathroom and kitchen - grim.
My dad never cleaned a bathroom for the whole of his life, apart from latrines on national service. When my mum died I got him a cleaner because there was no way he was going to start at 80.

What a fucking waste of time! He's not lazy, he's a misogynist. Making a list of chores won't make him not think he's better than you because he has a dick.

Yes, but in my defense, I was 4.

Yes...
My mother showed me! I showed my 3 kids.
I then had to teach DP that rooms are square not round and furniture moves so you can clean/sweep/mop under it.

Course not. We’re women and magically develop that knowledge when we turn 13.

Get rid asap.
That is all.

Dh can dust and vacuum every day and never clean a bathroom. He’d get round to the kitchen eventually but the bathroom… I think it could grow stalagmites.

I let him get away with it as I never dust or vacuum.

Oh op , I wish you all the best , but nothing he says checks out.

Did mum really insist on cleaning for him? And as a pp has said he wasn't at all embarrassed when he said that he is male and is exempt from housework. You've asked him to do more but he assumed that you had the same set up as his parents. How can both of these statements be true?

I predict that he takes what he considers to be the easiest to avoid tasks and does a half arsed job but gradually stops doing them altogether. I bet you get the most frequent ones like washing up , drying up , cooking and washing clothes. He'll take the bathroom , hoovering and window cleaning. And you'll have to remind him to do those. You'll also have to remember to buy the cleaning products op , he'll be unable to clean the toilet because there's no bleach.