To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

This is a brilliant read if you havent seen it already - its from the male perspective but one who has regrets - not one who is a defiant, degrading, misogynistic manchild.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

If he feels that the prize is big enough (the prize being that he gets to benefit from the asset the op has worked for and invested in) he might be able to behave himself and defer gratification from long enough to get you pregnant. When you are pregnant and completely dependent upon him there is no incentive for him to behave because you will be totally trapped.

Sadly, he’s not going to change and it wax definitely his mother with her hand up the U-bend in his flat.
I would be equally offended that he brought it up
in front of friends. Not remotely funny.
Yes, you can issue an ultimatum but he’s not going to do anything about it. Or he will do it badly.
The toilet situation alone would end it for me.
Yes, it’s sad he had good qualities but these are basics for living in any shared home.
And if he thinks his attitude his going to get him far in 2025, he’s not going to get very far.
The fact that he’s left you to clean a toilet after him is repulsive.

Ah one of these blokes who fancies himself as a bit of a lad and that a woman’s place is cleaning up or childcare or servicing him sexually - get rid, if he’s like this now at this stage it won’t get better

Honestly, how can you want to have sex with a man who treats you with so little respect?
I cringe merely thinking about it.

What a catch. A man happy to go 50/50 on bills but happy for you to do 100pc of the housework. Truly, a prince among men.

He doesn't need training. He knows that bathrooms don't clean themselves. He simply believes that it is your job as a woman to serve him.

Yuck.

There's no way I could have sex with a man who expected me to clean up his skidders. Seeing them at all would be a dealbreaker for me.

No. It’s not normal.

My partner and I have separate bathrooms and he cleans his own bathroom.

He also works full time. He earns a high income, supports the family by paying for everything including private health insurance and providing and maintaining the car I drive, cleans his own bathroom, vacuums the floors, cleans up our child’s toys, folds everyone’s laundry, washes his own laundry, and empties and stacks the dishwasher. He makes me coffee, lets me sleep in when he’s not at work, takes our child to school when he can and deals with all of our child’s extra curricular activities. He often fills my car up with petrol, takes out the garbage and is the one who organises the fridge and the pantry. He reads to our child every night.

I don’t work at all look after our child and take them to their therapy appointments. I think I’ve cleaned his bathroom twice in about five and a half years. I do most of the shopping, usually all of the cooking (unless we go out or order takeout which is anywhere from 1 to 3 times a week). I do his ironing (so long as he gives me plenty of notice), empty and stack the dishwasher, wash the floors, clean the downstairs bathroom (which I use) and my child’s bathroom. I wash my laundry and my child’s laundry and everyone’s towels.

I also let my partner nap when he comes home from work and he wakes up when it’s dinner time.

I’m not married (he wants to). I have a background in family law and there are defacto property laws in my country.

Your guy doesn’t financially support you but expects you to do all the chores and expects you to clean up his shit! It’s time he moves out.

Ask him “what times are you going to be out looking at flats this weekend?”

When he asks what you’re talking about just repeat the question. “You know, your new place?”

When he asks what you’re on about - say “you’re going to look for a new place to stay because I refuse to clean up your shit”.

Your boyfriend wants a trad wife but he’s not a trad husband. He moved into YOUR place and expects you to behave like a 1950’s housewife. He doesn’t get that without financially supporting you. Even if he was supporting you financially - you shouldn’t have to clean up his excrement from the toilet bowl!!

Your boyfriend sounds like The Slappable Jerk on YouTube:

Ugh, so sorry. I honestly think what'll happen is that you put your resources into trying to get through to him that he needs to pull his weight, and he doesn't want to so will constantly try to get away with not doing quite what you suggest, perhaps even making out that you are nagging him or have standards that are too high. You'll sort of fester with resentment - justified - for longer than you ought to have to, and then he'll have his feet well under the table and splitting will be tough.

He absolutely understands what the deal is. He knows he needs to clean. He just doesn't want to.

At this early stage you can say: "we do not live well together. We can split up, or we can stay together but you live in your own place. What do you want to do?" I wouldn't even get into giving him a chore list, it never works and he has no intention of being a normal person.

PS you said you don't trust him with he cooking, I would not allow that tbh. Anyone can learn to cook vegan food.

You can make all the lists you want.

He's not a functional adult. He lived on his own but his mommy cleaned up after him and now he expects you to do it. He's been brought up with misogyny as a norm and that mindset is not going to be changing. He doesn't respect you, he sees you as lesser than despite you providing the home he is currently living in.

He's massively disrespectful. Those remarks about your place being in the kitchen and to your friends husband, you have a glimpse at your future and he's barely moved in!

This is your honeymoon phase and you are cleaning up his shit and he bragged to your friends' husband about that. That makes it pretty clear what your relationshit is.

OMG that 3rd video - all the deliberate ineptitude right there, ooing with resentment and contempt. Hideous way to be treated.

Who’s doing the clothes washing . Drying and ironing or putting away ? Each doing your own yes ? Who is meal planning and doing the food shop . Who is organising house admin . Gas service or anything like that ?
remind him he does his own dr, dentist , hospitals appointments etc.
It’s time for him to be a grown up .
Grass cutting ? Gardening ?
house repairs . Window cleaner?
mopping floors regular ?

If he had never had to see any of these things . You are going to have a time of it and quite frankly it’s hard work and will probably split you anyway .

edited to say … and this is before kids ! I’d see if he steps up as a man running a house and showing respect before thinking he will support you with a baby and school pick ups and night feeds and being a parent 50/50

Get rid of the dirty fucker.

@SoOxon raises a good point about hand washing. I'd strongly advise you to make expectations clear in that department, too, OP - does he wash his hands after using the loo? Does he clean his backside properly? If he's making such a foul mess in the bog and leaving it, it raises doubts, doesn't it? Sorry, I know that's gross, but you need to be sure of his hygiene if you're intimate with him...

This

There is no future with this man.
He has just shown you who he really is. And he thinks you’ll put up with it.
Dump him !

You do his laundry. Colour me surprised. 😣

@Mrsbloggz - an excellent world weary post, lol - it isn’t as though we havn’t covered CL posts here at all.

1. best advice ever
2. best name ever

The point about kids is so important. If you are thinking of this as a potential start-a-family situation, oh god do not do that with him. Even previously normal men usually fall at the first hurdle when new babies are brought home.

Nooo don't do that. You making the list is infantilising. He will ignore as much as he can.

Tell him to leave as it's not working, you were expecting an equal split on chores. IF he is absolutely horrified and pledges to change, starts drawing up a chores list himself, apologises for taking you for granted, give him another chance. Literally any other response = you will spend the rest of the relationship frustrated and undervalued. And scrubbing his shit.

or you could get his mum round to clean every Friday ?

I had to stop watching these they bumped up my heartrate
he is exactly right for this, creepy bloke, shudder

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant?! Are you kidding me? Have you forgotten the misogyny? The laziness? The fact that he thinks you are less than him?

He's literally got you cleaning up his shit and you still think he’s brilliant. WTAF?

Girl your standards are lower than a snakes belly!

Unfortunately with some men it seems normal.What was he's flat like before he moved in with you?
I woukd suggest that if he doesn't want to do any chores he needs to pay for a cleaner.

Agree dont take charge. You didn't sign up to be site supervisor nagging a truculent teen to clear up the mess the make in YOUR HARD EARNED HOME.

It will dominate your emotions 24/7.

IF he did a 180 - he then also now already owes you 2 months of doing everything whilst you put your feet up - then you can go 50:50.

@outerspacepotato a succinct summary, cuts to the bone