To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

Respect is the bottom line is it not, sorely lacking here.

I’m wondering now if this is a young, inexperienced ‘couple’
no car, wash one load to keep costs down, immature attitude,
wonderment, hope that miraculously he will change, hope…

Who says things like this - it's only a joke is (a) it's funny or (b) he actually was just joking and he does in fact help around the house.

I would tell him if he doesn't get his head of the 1950's he will have to leave as the relationship isn't working for you now you live together, if he doesn't change then tell him to find somewhere else to live. But I would only give him one chance.

OP watch ‘Troy Kinne’ on youtube, Australian, he has a magic wash basket, dishwasher, he is so good you will really believe that he believes!
oops I almost forgot, he also has a wife.

Love is a verb of two actions day in day out - kindness and respect.

My heart sank when I read this, OP. You think this is a problem with the cleaning - it's not just that though.

He's completely disrespectful and doesn't see you as equal to him. No decent man would dream of saying "Not our job is it" or "you belong in the kitchen" or "You will have to get used to living with a man" or "I am male" in response to someone complaining that he's treating her home like a pigsty.

Of course he's not joking. This is who he is. It's what he truly believes. Why the hell would you want to be with a man like this? Of course he'll panic when he thinks you're going to kick him out. No doubt he'll flush the toilet a couple of times and take the bin out. He'll think he's an absolute stud for doing that and won't understand what you're complaining about. His friends and his mum will be sorry for him.

Come on - open your eyes! Can you imagine having a child with him? It's not just that he won't clean up after himself - he doesn't see why he should. He thinks he's inherently superior to you - even though you're the one with the house.

I think you could do it pleasantly - request that he moves out because your 'lifestyles are incompatible'. You could still be friends, of course. (If you still want to!)

@MounjaroOnMyMindI totally agree with you. This man is a walking red flag with little respect for women and I can see him making a bit of effort for a while before that tails off. Before we know it, OP will be back here complaining that she might as well be a single parent because he does fuck all. He has told you what he is, OP, listen to him.

Also a man who leaves his shit for you to clean up is not a man who has any respect for you whatsoever. I suspect part of it is he feels emasculated because you’re providing the home. My ex husband was like this, occasionally pulled
his weight but expected a blowjob for doing so 🤢

he could pay for a cleaner ?
but this will not change his horrible attitude
toward you and your home -
a dominant male in YOUR house overpowering
your sensibilities with his abhorrent self righteousness

Why are you okay with his disrespectful attitude towards you?

I have no idea how you think a chore table is going to change that.

You have different standards of tidiness, I don't think it's only a male thing, he obviously isn't invested in housework and doesn't want to do it. Tell him to pay for a cleaner or move out.

Did you not notice he was a twat before? Why on Earth did you move him in so soon?

A cleaner isn’t going to remove his shit from the toilet every time.

No house and no car. What a catch.

Every time he fails to clean properly, be firm, also charge him a massive cleaning fee. I just cannot even begin to understand such weaponised incompetence. My DH is far cleaner and tidier than I though.

He reacted so well to being asked to clean the bathroom before, I'd say he'll love the chore list and you having to remind him to do it and tell him when it's done badly.

Why would you tie yourself to him? He doesn't clean because he thinks he deserves a maid.

OP states that his tenancy on his flat had ended so I presumed he no longer lived with his mum/parents

Household management - my mum fought with my dad over who was in charge ha ha
when he retired she promptly bought a dishwasher for the first time, as he would say - Ive washed up for you when it was cup and saucer - he was only 60 with too much energy : she was dismayed and despairing.
Dad had always prepared the veg and washed up (in the days of immersion cylinder tanks, drained it of hot water as he took it seriously always doing a ‘proper job’
He did all the diy and decorating but didnt cook

When he decided the hall stairs and landing needed painting, mum promptly had the hsl carpet removed booked a local firm of decorators who did a sterling job

Big row but she stood her ground, paid a hefty deposit, could not tolerate Dad taking all summer to finish, her patience was wearing thin after 30 years of Virgoism.

They were a compatible couple, both houseproud but I offer this anecdote to show
that occasionally the other side of the coin is a tendency to overcompensate which
can be equally tiresome.

A place for everything and everything in its place.
Don’t go upstairs empty handed
Don’t go downstairs empty handed (bathroom bin or washing)

I repeat these mantras to my own children until it is second nature

Too late for OP ‘male’ though

No decent person leaves the toilet in a mess. Kick him out.

I agree with this. The chore issue really is the very least of your worries!

I can only imagine the disrespect that will follow if you allow this man to continue living in your home having, almost literally, shit all over both it and you.

You are showing him what you are willing to accept.

He's hardly going to agree to pay a "massive cleaning fee" now is he? And who would want to live like that. Following him around the house to see if he can be bothered to keep the home you both live in clean and then attempting to get money out of him when he fails. What a joyful existence that would be.

Hey but he's a man. All he needs is his DNA.

Why on earth would she do that? Do you really think he'd pay anything? If she managed to get some money out of him she would have to arrange for the cleaner anyway.

Who could be bothered with this man? Raise your standards, OP!

Get your list sorted @JadeySmiles , preferably in discussion with your partner. Be prepared to accept you have different standards. An open adult conversation, including asking who should clean his skid marks, and querying his ‘amusing’ ideas about gender roles. No subtle hints, clear expectations. See what happens next.

I predict a short lived ‘heroic’ and performative effort. And bet a lot of money that you will soon hear that you only had to ask, along with don’t tell me what to do/how/when to do it, accompanied by lots of ‘forgetting’ and ‘just going to’.

No mortgage and no pregnancy with this man until you are much better sorted with v basic structures to how you share your lives.

A good suggestion from previous poster: ask him to move out as your lifestyles are incompatible.

No they are not arguing about standards.

He is telling her that housework his her job because she is female.

This is about values and whether the OP believes in equality.

Seems that the OP has achieved a lot with her own property - why squander it all away on this cocklodging manchild misogynst.

She has already spent months subtly suggesting he pitch in - he hasnt. She became more direct and he has flat out refused because he has a penis.

OP look at the response on this thread - it is from wiser women a few years ahead of you who are sharing their experience with you so that you dont waste your finite a precious years on this fool and end up having your experience of motherhood blighed by shouldering all the work because your DP is a c**t.

I second all suggestions to have a serious talk with Mr skidmark and I will be interested to learn about his reaction to this.
I think it likely that he will laugh the conversation off, try and make a joke out of it. If he does actually do any of the chores he will do a bad job on purpose, make a big fuss, go on about how he's done the washing up for you he's cleaned the toilet for you etc.
Or he might behave perfectly . . .
. . . for just long enough to get himself on the mortgage after which he will punish you for making him demean himself by doing women's work.