To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

BTW @JadeySmiles these are exactly the type of things to uncover when you do move in with each other - so please don't regret this.

Personally I would absolutely make it clear that you are not his maid and this is a non-negotiable and a deal breaker for you. Watch closely as to how he reacts. This genuinely might be the first time someone is pointing out his misogynistic behaviour. If he reflects and takes you seriously, I would like to think he has a capacity for critical thinking, emotional intelligence and change. If he scoffs and diminishes your concerns - then it's a red flag.

It's really difficult when anyone close to you, who you genuinely like / love, points out a major character flaw - how they react to this information is a moment of truth as to who they are.

It sounds like the signs of what you would be in for by moving this man into your home were there all along, and you chose to ignore them for some reason. That's a shame for you.

I could seriously not be with, feel attraction toward, or respect a man that thinks it's okay to leave his disgusting excrements in the bathroom for me to see. And then also have the audacity and lack of respect for me to expect me to clean his shit (quite literally) up for him. Such a massive, gross ick.

I'm so shocked with men's low hygiene standards, and I'm in despair of women's low standards in men. No wonder the world is going to Hell.

I know this has been said many times but it is so true it bears repeating -
men are like puppies - get them young and train them

this man’s response of ‘I’m male’ was a clear declaration of intent, denying
personal responsibility for keeping his home clean, so insolent, so challenging
so invidious

Many different women friends have remarked over the years, when men move
in with them, how everything is fine but he doesn’t pull his weight domestically,
using the reasoning that it is her house/apartment, as though somehow,
this is logical

I also believe fwiw that this arrangement seldom works anyway, as seen on
these forums so many times - the my/his house my/his rules, scenario, when
friction ensues

I hope you heed us OP, we are wise women here and as someone already
pointed out, this lack of both respect and responsibility is the thin end of the wedge

It's not just the dirtiness, it's the mysoginy and entitlement I bet he gets a lot worse than this once he sees you put up with it and don't stand up for yourself, this can slide into abuse very quickly

Thanks, this is exactly what I am going to do.

So there’s no grey area, I’ll be really specific and list everything out. Has anyone got any suggestions on the below as the core chores or what works for them?

(Weekly) One does the kitchen, one does the bathroom - alternated each week
(Weekly) - one polishes/dusts, one hoovers
(Daily) I will continue to cook, he is to wash up and put away as no dishwasher.

But even then he'll presumably still use her loo when he visits that is rank

No, I'm sorry, but seeing cleaning as something only women do means he's very much NOT 'honestly brilliant'. Please raise your bar and end the relationship.

@Pipsquiggle This is an important point you make - so many women
are nervous about saying anything as they fear the reaction or withdrawal
from who they term their ‘partners’
Men generally do not like to be ‘told’ anything this being a weak part of the
male psyche - but - in this instance, they should not need to be told!

(Weekly) One does the kitchen, one does the bathroom - alternated each week
(Weekly) - one polishes/dusts, one hoovers
(Daily) I will continue to cook, he is to wash up and put away as no dishwasher.

Each to be responsible for their own laundry?

I’ve been doing it all in one wash to save on bills, but getting him to put it out in the garden when it’s sunny is a good idea - thank you x

Will you have specific standards and deadlines for each job and consequences if not completed on time to standard agreed? What will these be?

Will you be responsible for 'nagging' - reminding and 'inspecting'?

Expect the 'studied incompetence' - doing it badly so that you take over and 'forgetting' to do it. Lots of resentment and seething contempt on each side will grow.

Is this the level of disrespect you want in a relationship?

Whats his DF like? How is he around the home and how does he treat the females in his life?

Insist that you come up with the chore list together, or even that he does it. It's not you who needs a list - it's him.

Otherwise it will become your mental load and he'll go 'oh I just forgot, you should have reminded me'.

There is a Swedish gov (well, Skåne) full household chores list that will save your sanity - the Checklist for Gender Equality in Your Everyday Life.

This man has declared that YOU ‘have to get used to living with a man’
and now you think providing a list of chores, which he will see as humbling, demeaning, beneath him as, you know, he is MALE will cure him of his
obdurate mindset?

Please come back here in ten days and let us know, honestly, how that went.

Who does shopping?/ shopping list?

https://apps.apple.com/gb/app/sweepy-home-cleaning-schedule/id1498897320

you could try this app?

As my sister put it after her divorce: "I'm never washing another man's socks again."

Make him do his own bloody laundry.

Yuck, you have a manchild. That shit gets old very quickly. He'll probably say the right things then continue in the same way.

I think this is good but doesn't address his expectation that you should clean up after him. Make it clear that he has to leave the toilet in an acceptable state, no wet towels on the floor, you're not throwing his rubbish in the bin or picking clothes off the floor, he has to do his own load of laundry and put it away etc.. I think this sort of thing is more important than a cleaning rota. But if you're the one who cooks every day then him washing up is a good idea.

This works for us,

Last person in bed, makes the bed,
All clothes put away including shoes coats, can't be done with things hanging around the place,
If one cooks other does the dishes and puts away,
Bathroom, both clean after use' spray shower ' after use, I use bath so I clean afterwards,

Neither of us leave toilet for other to clean just wouldn't happen,

Hovering as needs along with Polishing,
It about respecting each other and both enjoying living in a clean home,

Op how clean does he keep his car, go by this as same rules in your home,

All potential male mover-inners should first be subject to the MN Entitled Cocklodger Scrutiny Test. Few would pass but we'd all be happier for it. Let the lazy entitled men live with each other and speak to their male houseshares as this one spoke to you OP.

Brilliant, thanks, I’m going to look this up - although it is possibly no coincidence that
Swedish homes, as Danish, well Scandanavian, are streamlined, uncluttered, easily maintained,
Scandanavians were/are way ahead of the dictum “nothing will change until we address and implement how we bring up our sons” (Dr. Greer)

I don’t know why we are even having a conversation about a man who cannot leave
a toilet clean after himself. Does he even wash his hands.

Thank you all makes sense.

No car so can’t judge that standard!

@SoOxon I agree that a grown up human being should not need to be told that you have to pull your weight in household management, however, his lived experience might be that his mum did everything in the house. She might have been a SAHP &/or housewife.
Now that he has moved in with @JadeySmiles if he wants to stay with her, he needs to step up, otherwise ship out.

The worst bit is that he's not some inept buffoon but this his deliberate and chosen stance from both his actions and his words - to expect/demand another human - supposedly someone he loves wipes his arse and scrubs his pants. So degrading.

@JadeySmiles - why dont you show him this thread?

@JadeySmiles just one last thing to say. My (very old, think ww2 vet) Dad never expected my Mum to do everything round the house. He had too much respect for her i.e. didn’t think she was there to wait on him, never been a chauvinist. Sure, she was a SAHM but when Dad changed jobs had a part time one herself. I remember Dad would cook at the weekend and really try to give her a proper break - he absolutely adored my Mum and he was a hands-on Dad. I suspect because our whole family is about not being lazy that is why we all get on with stuff and don’t expect it done for us. Really look at these core values and set your standards accordingly.