To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

Who does the laundry?

He wont get better.. get rid

Please tell me he is paying you rent - and has no claim on your house..

For me the cleaning is the thin end of the wedge

You have not ruined your relationship by moving him in too quickly, you potentially saved yourself precious time as he would have been the same man even if you waited many years before moving in with him.

This thread makes me so sad for the op. I really hope it's a wind up.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!
He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man
Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

sounds awful OP

This approach leaves you managing everything, constantly setting the standards and policing them. Wondering how to “better communicate” your needs. Trying to work out if you’re being too demanding if he stops doing something or groans or “jokes” about what you expect.

if you’re going this route, don’t put him on the mortgage and don’t have kids with him.

Too bloody long, on reflection.
Got there in the end
(And, important points, he never came out with being male, or sexist “bants”, or loo grossness.)
Wilfedspies has it right.

Agree. My ex didn’t proactively clean or tidy. He didn’t even seem to notice. I once left the toilet out of principle and it was WEEKS before I caved in and did it myself (again). Though, even he always cleaned his own crap with a brush. He’d equally look after DC, shop, cook, garden, do laundry. But zero cleaning and tidying, and actually caused a lot of mess (stacks of papers and second hand books everywhere).

The best I could get it to was that I had to be his ‘manager’. If I set him tasks (and even then often had to remind him) he’d do it. But always half-arsed. At one point of peak kid stress and exhausting job, I said he’d have to pay for a cleaner if he wouldn’t do it. And he said he wouldn’t pay, as ‘we’ should do our own cleaning! Argh! His mother was the sort who did most things at home. Dad thought he was impressive because he washed up after the meals she cooked.

Was one of the major but numerous reasons we broke up after decades, DC and me becoming worn down, which he could see. I’m pretty relaxed about mess and not at all an obsessive cleaner/tidier. But it eventually drove me insane.

What I’ve learned is you have to talk about expectations (housework, financial, preferred lifestyle etc) before you cohabit with anyone, rather than assume. At this point, I’d seriously talk to him. With types like that, you have to ask them what they suggest. Get them to give you a solution, rather than tell or ‘manage’ them. Then see if he sticks to it. If not, say you’ll give him time to move out.

If, when you have a serious chat, and ask what he suggests, he says: “I don’t know”, make a joke of it or says “you’re always finding fault”, then end it. In their mind they’re always ‘helping’. It’s never their responsibility. They don’t even appear to notice what needs doing. They’ll likely never change.

Don’t ever put him on the mortgage/deeds or become financially dependent on him.

He’s far from totally brilliant though, as it’s not the cleanliness as much as it is the total lack of respect for you it shows when he genuinely thinks you should clean up his shits. He knows you’re a capable independent adult but somehow also thinks you should build extra time into your life to be his service human.

when you talk to him make sure you let him know you’re shocked that it’s not a complete given that you will share the chores; and that you’re not the maid or housekeeper, it’s a total dealbreaker and his ‘jokes’ only make it feel much much worse.

Bollocks to training him, that was his mothers job and she failed.

There are men out there who have actually lived alone and know that loos dont clean themselves as their mothers dont make a special journey to do it for them. FFS, my DD's DP didnt leave home until he lived with DD and he does his share. I have to admit I was a bit "hmmmm" about that, but DD is firm and made it clear that it was 50/50 on everything or he is on his way. As it is, she does all of the cleaning but he does all of the cooking as that suits them, and they both do the washing. But that came about after a year or so of living together. Point is, its shared and fair and they are both happy with it.

This specimen is a dick. I would call him an animal but that isnt fair because even animals know better than this creature.

You can do better. Dont be his second mother, get rid and find yourself a REAL man, one who knows what a bog brush if for and isnt afraid to use it.

ETA....might be telling to have a conversation about the Andrew Tate thing. Say you read something online about it and see what he says. If he says something a long the lines of "Well yeah he is a bit of a dick but he has a point" then chuck him out and block him everywhere.

"I'm a man" would have him packing his stuff to go back to his mummy's place before he had finished the sentence.

They don’t even appear to notice what needs doing.

Well yes and no. They dont notice until it hasnt been done.

"Why havent I got any clean pants?"
"Why havent the sheets been changed?" etc

And when the answer comes back as "Because you didnt wash them/change them" inevitably they say "You didnt tell me to".

Why do you think most single women my age (50's) are happy to remain so? Because we are sick of a life as a domestic manager.

How can you stomach being intimate with this sexist pig

I honestly think sexism is worse now than 40 years ago. I got married in the 80s and my DH has always pulled his weight around the house, same goes for friends and family of my generation. However my daughter has a husband who thinks domestic chores are someone else's job, and my goddaughter has also complained about her partner's laziness.

Who on earth is teaching these men that someone else should clean up after them? In your case OP, it sounds like his mother has enabled this, and raised a little Prince. I would find that deeply unattractive. Please don't indulge his misogyny and reinforce his appalling attitude towards women.

I don’t know why you women put up with such behaviour, I’m a 65 year old male and like to keep my place clean and tidy and so do my peers whether they are single or married, most of my friends are on the edge of ocd, boot him out he just wants a free ride

Being clean tidy and organised is neither a male or females job, its the job of the individual to have personal pride.

Ive met some females who also has equally bad habits and let rooms to some, I don’t know where there mind at

OP please do not put this man child on your mortgage! Especially so early in your relationship.

Only you know whether this is worth the effort for you. But it starts with an honest conversation, and an absolute firmness that you are not responsible for the cleaning and especially not after he poos! Ugh so gross.

My now-husband and I got a cleaner in when we moved in together, solved a lot of arguments. He was great! (Yep, male cleaner. Best one I’ve ever had)

Agree.

Who is raising these men?

This

Also, i wonder why his landlord did not extend his tenancy. No landlord wants to evict people unless they are ruining the place.

Mmm.. he wasn't joking, he was testing the waters to see how it'd land, would he be pulled up on it or not...

Watch out for that, its a sneaky thing the whole 'its just a joke'... then later on it'll be 'but you always knew this, I always said xyz, if you didn't realise I meant it then you're the idiot'... but if pulled up on it early it's 'you're being over sensitive/ I was just joking/can't you take a joke'...

The only ultimatum you should give him is that he move out within a week. Otherwise he’ll do a bit of cleaning for a couple of months and quickly revert to being a lazy wanker. He thinks it’s your job to clean up his shit, FFS!

It's better that you find out he's a wanker sooner rather than later tbh. He's not going to change. If he holds these views about men cleaning the bathroom how much use do you think he's going to be as a dad? None at all, that's how much. Kick him out and end it, now. You are better than this.

@JadeySmiles nah! throw him out now!

Toss him in the bin.
Disgusting.
I'd clean his toilet mess with his dinner fork, and conveniently forget to rinse it.