To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

I have an eight year old son who knows not to leave wee on the toilet seat and leave it down.

It's not a question of 'training' him, it's his contempt for you and other women. He's never going to be trained into seeing you as an equal, he thinks you're just someone who deserves to clean up after him.

At least moving him in has allowed you to see him for what he is and move him out again before you wasted too much time.

Did he not clean the bathroom himself in his flat prior to the tenancy running out??!!! I'd say to him 'I'm not your Mum, you're not a child, therefore I expect you to muck in and help'. Do you both work full-time? Any children involved, who live with you? If he still thinks you're joking, then it's time to spell it out. If all else fails, tell him, you're not there to be his maid, he lives in the house too, not just you and if he's not prepared to help, then he best find a new flat to rent.

Surely this attitude that it is your job to clean up his literal shit because you have a vagina is so deeply unsexy that you wouldn’t want to continue with him anyway?!

How did you not get a true sense of this man after 18 months? And how did you not have a pre-move-in conversation about chores and equity?

Along with your ultimatum, encourage him to ask his mum to train him. Not your job to wean him and very unsexy.

Get rid, ASAP. Don't marry him and definately don't have kids with this idiot. You dodged a bullet there.

He doesn't pay his way or help around the house. What use is he?

At least you know now what a sexist twat he is...

You dont share the same goals for the future.

You are mistaken. Maybe his lovebombing / future faking words led you to believe that before he moved in.

But now his actions and his words demonstrate thaat his goal is to subjugate you. He sees women as an appliance and liertally expects you to clean up his shit.

He's a disgraceful excuse for a human. DO NOT attempt to TRAIN him you are disrespecting yourself here - he has already told you he wont do it. Get rid. If you plan to have children with this character he will make your precious and finite experience of motherhood miserable. As for his fool of a mother.....

and he can flat hunt from an Airbnb, not the comfort of your home.
sounds a complete twat.

The toilet thing is likely a deliberate boundary push that he gets some kick out of especially if you havent seen this in the 18 months of your relationship to date. Its asserting his dominance over you.

I suspect his DM knows he is a useless manchild who cant keep a girlfriend - so ran over ever Fri to hide the evidence and clear up after the pig so he wouldnt fuck this one off and she could palm him on to you.

Just on the cleaning front, when me and my then BF now DH moved in together, we both hated cleaning and were rubbish at it. As we were both working FT we decided to get a cleaner as neither of us wanted to spend our limited spare time doing this.

A cleaner could be the answer, however, I feel it is his attitude towards cleaning and the gender roles around it that are the issue here.

BTW when either of us have been out of work, we have done the cleaning, so it's not that we won't do it, we'd just prefer not to

Yuk. Get rid of him fast!!!

He's a total wanker. Bin him.

Mistake 1: moving him in
Mistake 2: laughing it off
Mistake 3: being subtle

Time to be more direct: ‘here’s a list of chores DP and these are yours. If you want to continue living here you need to contribute to the housework. I’m your partner, not your maid. If you’re not happy with that I suggest you move in with your mother.’

He may do a bit more to placate you but he’ll
soon find excuses to do less.

You’ve ruined the relationship by ever having him move in at all. Chuck him back, it’s not going to get any better. Let him go home to mummy.

Why are you letting him stay? He's shown he doesn't respect you at all - he expects you to clean his shit off your toilet!

A firm word isn't going to change thisyohe's already ignored your attempts to get him to act like he's not 7.

He's shown you who he is, and what he thinks of you, why would you put up with this? And this is the honeymoon phase! How much worse can he get?

Raise your standards, ffs. He’s a lazy misogynist twat. Send him back to his mother.

he’ll have notice to leave and god knows what that would mean for the future prospects of our relationship.

Wait, what? You mean you want to continue to be with this openly misogynistic dickhead? But…he’s told you what he thinks? He’s a sexist prick. He sees domestic drudgery as women’s work. He’s not only not hiding it, he’s boasting about it in social settings.

This is your house. This scumbag makes you clean his shit off your toilet because he thinks it’s your job. Purely because you’re a woman.

Why is your bar so low @JadeySmiles?

I wish I had been given such strong, clear advice to LTB before I'd gone too far/had children with one of these men. Ignore at your peril OP...

Do NOT have children with one of these. I promise you'll be riddled with remorse if you do. Count yourself lucky that you found out now and can change course.

Please take heed and get rid of this pig before he ruins your life.

Give boyfriend choices:

He alone pays for the bathroom to be cleaned every week and he learns to clean the toilet.
or
He cleans the bathroom himself, weekly.
or
He moves out.

There is no way in a zillion years I would clean up a grown-ass man’s shit. And those misogynistic comments - my vagina would clamp shut forever. Raise your bar OP. Kick him out. Back to the 1950s where he belongs.

No, don’t give him any choices at all. He’s a misogynistic twat. He’s not going to change his attitude even if he manages to change his behaviour. He has to go.

That’s not gonna change his sexist attitude though is it? Deep down this delightful Andrew Tate of a man thinks you should clean up his shit because you have a vagina. Seriously OP, bin him.