Page 12 | To regret moving DP in to my house

uncomfortablydumb60 · 15/04/2025 21:17

Get rid. He’s a lazy disrespectful twat.
He thinks cleaning up his shit is your job.
He won’t change. Don’t waste breath or energy… He doesn’t give a shit

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/04/2025 21:19

@JadeySmiles you need to sit him down and say he had two choices move out or buck up for good .
He goes alway and thinks about his attitude to women and why he sees them as slaves.
If he still think like that on his return he best leave.
He has one chance and if he doesn’t see his wrong then he has to leave .

Suchasonganddance · 15/04/2025 21:20

Please please assure us you have sent this idiot on his way - where was your self respect as you scrubbed his “mess” of your lavatory????

allydoobs83 · 15/04/2025 21:20

You aren't his mother! I (reluctantly) clean up after my 5 year old has been to the loo,but there is no way on earth I'll be doing it beyond the next couple of years,let alone when he's a full grown adult! Your "D"P is obviously old-fashioned at best, a sexist pig,at worst. Either way,he needs to give his head a wobble and realise that he needs to do more to help you.

Caroparo52 · 15/04/2025 21:21

Move him out and change the locks. Cheeky lazy git

GreatGardenstuff · 15/04/2025 21:22

Move him out again sharpish. Why on earth would you consider sharing your space with this lazy sexist pig?

OhWhistle · 15/04/2025 21:23

Okay what if you have a son and a daughter together? Could you trust him not to discriminate against your daughter and indoctrinate your son?

How about he spends a year in seminary or the army or the navy? He'll learn to cook and clean.

LumpyandBumps · 15/04/2025 21:26

It’s odd that all of these ‘1950’s’ men only ever pick out the parts which are favourable to them.

My parents had a more traditional marriage, although Dad wasn’t as bad as your DP sounds.

Mum didn’t work outside the home and Dad would come home from work on payday and hand over his pay packet to Mum.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/04/2025 21:27

You need to give your head a serious wobble if you are thinking of putting him on your mortgage. Absolute madness.

CautiousLurker01 · 15/04/2025 21:30

Gosh, even my 17yo son knows he needs to clean the loo if he’s soiled it and will come and ask for the correct products if he’s run. He also will see that I’m trying to do 8 things at once and insist on sorting his own tea.

Okay, so he may be shit at cleaning up afterwards, but he knows that there is no ‘women’s work’ pr a free pass to being shite because he’s a male.

I’d toss your DP back. Carry on dating if you want, but never share a home unless he understands the ground rules… which I am sure you didn’t think you needed to spell out. But misogyny and slobbery are definitely out.

IButtleSir · 15/04/2025 21:30

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 20:35

You say it took a while, how long exactly? Not sure I have the patience if it’s more than a few weeks 😂

Show quote history

Fuck this, you have better things to do with your time. Dump the fucker and send him back to live in squalor.

Original poster

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 21:30

Thanks everyone for your replies, I think it’s clear I need to be more firm and give an ultimatum that he pulls his weight (and be clear on what this looks like) or he’ll have notice to leave and god knows what that would mean for the future prospects of our relationship.

OP posts:

Mrsknowitall · 15/04/2025 21:31

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:03

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

He actually means “you need to get used to living with a tramp” not “get used to living with a man” real men clean up after themselves esp a shitty toilet, they do their fair share. Your his gf not his mother, kick him out

AlertCat · 15/04/2025 21:32

What’s unreasonable is that you’re even questioning if you’re being unreasonable! Outrageous sexist dickhead, give him notice to move out and clean his own piss off the loo seat (or not). God, can you even bear to share a bed with him any more, that’s really grim.

Pepsipepsi · 15/04/2025 21:32

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:56

I know it’s my house but I was the one who suggested moving him in and feel a bit harsh to tell him to move out after just 2 months with no where obvious to go immediately. I assumed we’d fairly split chores etc so didn’t even think to bring this up before it happened which was naive in hindsight.

To answer an earlier question, he does pay an equal split of bills and quite often insists on covering the full shopping bill. We had discussed him paying in to come on the Mortgage (only once equal) and at that point we’d split this payment 50/50 too. Luckily that was never going to be progressed until a few months in until we knew if we were suited to living with each other.

Putting him on the mortgage just made my brain short circuit. Don't do this, you'll never be rid of him!!
All your updates are just defending him. There are so many lazy partner threads on mumsnet, please listen to those of us who have heard it all and lived this experience already. Your partner will only take the piss more and more as you allow him to step all over you.

There is no excuse for his behaviour. He just doesn't respect you! My male partner is physically disabled and still does loads of house work. Never once has he suggested that he shouldn't cook/clean/hoover/whatever because he's male. If I wasn't here he would have to clean up after himself... Your partner just has a willing female slave to do it instead.

Being single is better than this surely?! (rhetorical, the answer is yes).

myplace · 15/04/2025 21:33

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 21:30

Thanks everyone for your replies, I think it’s clear I need to be more firm and give an ultimatum that he pulls his weight (and be clear on what this looks like) or he’ll have notice to leave and god knows what that would mean for the future prospects of our relationship.

Eh?! You want to keep sleeping with a man who lets you clear up his skids?

Come on! That should give you the biggest ick. Having to act as a man’s mother is a passion killer.

Isthisit22 · 15/04/2025 21:34

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/04/2025 21:19

@JadeySmiles you need to sit him down and say he had two choices move out or buck up for good .
He goes alway and thinks about his attitude to women and why he sees them as slaves.
If he still think like that on his return he best leave.
He has one chance and if he doesn’t see his wrong then he has to leave .

This is utterly pointless.
He has revealed his deep contempt for women and you. He has told you several times now that he believes men are superior. Women are inferior therefore good enough to clean toilets etc.
Do you honestly think a talking to is going to change that?
Please raise your standards and dump him. Don’t lower yourself to try to train him- it won’t work and it’ll be harder to get rid of him in the long run.

OhWhistle · 15/04/2025 21:34

Right now I'm staying in mixed gender accommodation in a house run by men, and the bathroom is cleaner than mine at home.

Used to living with a man?

What rubbish. You say it's his first serious relationship. Do you have the patience to teach him so he stops being incompetent and insecure.

Mrsbloggz · 15/04/2025 21:35

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:18

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant which makes it the more frustrating. But you are all right , it isn’t normal and seeing it said here in black and white makes it obvious.

This is him on his best behavior, joking about not being willing to do any domestic work is a way to test the water & get you to accept it.
I would never live with anyone again, it's too easy for them to wear you down and dominate when you share a home with them.

GreatGardenstuff · 15/04/2025 21:36

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 21:30

Thanks everyone for your replies, I think it’s clear I need to be more firm and give an ultimatum that he pulls his weight (and be clear on what this looks like) or he’ll have notice to leave and god knows what that would mean for the future prospects of our relationship.

But why on earth would you want to continue a relationship with someone who thinks it’s your job to wipe up his poo?

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/04/2025 21:36

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/04/2025 21:27

You need to give your head a serious wobble if you are thinking of putting him on your mortgage. Absolute madness.

Very true .

Isthisit22 · 15/04/2025 21:36

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 21:30

Thanks everyone for your replies, I think it’s clear I need to be more firm and give an ultimatum that he pulls his weight (and be clear on what this looks like) or he’ll have notice to leave and god knows what that would mean for the future prospects of our relationship.

utterly pointless.
He has revealed his deep contempt for women and you. He has told you several times now that he believes men are superior. Women are inferior therefore good enough to clean toilets etc.
Do you honestly think a talking to is going to change that?
Please raise your standards and dump him. Don’t lower yourself to try to train him- it won’t work and it’ll be harder to get rid of him in the long run.

WilfredsPies · 15/04/2025 21:38

I think you’d be making a terrible mistake not to chuck him out right now. Sit him down, tell him you did really like him, but he’d hidden a huge part of his personality and, if you’d wanted to live with a misogynistic, untoilet trained joker, you’d have nipped down to the local zoo and invited one of the chimps to live with you.

If you really want to try and change him, then it’s going to take some very strongly worded discussions. You need to tell him that if he ever disrespects you like that again in private or in public, then he will be single before he’s finished his ‘joke’. You need to tell him that every time you have to clean his shit off the toilet or pick up his clothes or hoover around him while he sits there and watches you, you fancy him a bit less. Tell him that you are starting to feel like his mum. And guess who mums don’t find sexually attractive? Tell him that you are starting to get the ick.

Tell him that the second he stops pulling his weight, he’d better have either a doctors note or somewhere else to sleep that night. And this is very important; Do NOT thank him for doing his share. He has not done you a favour or helped you. It’s not ‘your’ hoovering. He doesn’t thank you for dusting, does he? And if he suggests that you’re too fussy, tell him he’s perfectly entitled to think that and he can be as messy as he likes in his new place. If you think he might be tempted to use weaponised incompetence so you don’t ask him to do it again, then warn him he will be replacing anything he breaks or damages. If he doesn’t do it properly, then give him one chance to do it properly or he moves out. Do not back down on any of these. The slightest hesitation and he’ll use it against you. He needs to see that you are deadly serious. And if he gets angry about it, tell him he needs to move out and find the 20s version of Waynetta Slob to live with, so that they can live in a pigsty together.

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/04/2025 21:39

Isthisit22 · 15/04/2025 21:34

This is utterly pointless.
He has revealed his deep contempt for women and you. He has told you several times now that he believes men are superior. Women are inferior therefore good enough to clean toilets etc.
Do you honestly think a talking to is going to change that?
Please raise your standards and dump him. Don’t lower yourself to try to train him- it won’t work and it’ll be harder to get rid of him in the long run.

Show quote history

I agree I don’t think it will . But op seems not to want to get rid .
She appears not to want to clean up after him but isn’t bothered about his attitude to her and women in general.
So maybe just maybe if she try’s talking to him first and seeing he doesn’t care enough to sort his (shit ) out literally . Then maybe she will find it easier to ask him to leave. .

Lesleyann25 · 15/04/2025 21:39