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Original poster

To regret moving DP in to my house

1000 replies

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:03

After a challenging weekend I am really starting to think I’ve made a big mistake here 😫

Background - I have been with DP for c.1.5 years, brilliant relationship, get along with each others family and similar goals for the future etc.

He moved in with me at my suggestion a couple of months ago when the tenancy on his flat was up.

I’ve been subtly asking him to contribute to more of the household chores without much uptake and this weekend I was a bit more direct in asking him to do certain things.

His response to me asking him to clean the bathroom was to blankly stare at me and say ‘I am male’. We saw friends on Sunday afternoon (another couple) and he said to my friends DH something along the lines of ‘yeah, she asked me to clean the bathroom yesterday. Not our job is it!’ and burst out laughing.

He has made what I thought were light hearted comments in the past about me being in the kitchen and that being my natural habit which I laughed off but in light of what he has said, I wonder if he was joking!

He has some annoying habit, 2 or 3 times he has made a mess of the toilet and not used the brush, leaving me to clean it up. His response is to laugh and say that I will need to get used to living with a man.

Is this really normal?! I feel I’ve potentially ruined our relationship by moving him in too early..

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Couldyounot · 15/04/2025 20:45

Cock. Bin.

feelingalittlehorse · 15/04/2025 20:45

And off he moves back out again 👋👋👋

Merryoldgoat · 15/04/2025 20:47

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant

Except for the laziness and sexism you mean.

I wish women would stop settling for these shitty men.

My DH was 23 when we met. He lived at home but cooked, ironed, did laundry and housework and the same attitude transferred to our shared homes.

Sally2791 · 15/04/2025 20:47

Yuk. Move him out asap

peppermintcrumble · 15/04/2025 20:48

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:18

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant which makes it the more frustrating. But you are all right , it isn’t normal and seeing it said here in black and white makes it obvious.

You can’t be both brilliant and a sexist twat.

5128gap · 15/04/2025 20:48

Say "But no, DP. I think you'll find that you are going to have to get used to living with ME. And that means you will need to change of your ideas and behaviour. (List them here) If that's something you don't want to do, then the alternative is you get used to living by yourself again."

yeesh · 15/04/2025 20:49

Lazy sexist bastard

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/04/2025 20:50

I'd not have cleaned the toilet, not until he'd packed and left after not cleaning it.

You need to get rid!

S0j0urn4r · 15/04/2025 20:51

Well at least you found out fairly early on. Explain you don't share the same values so he will need to find alternative accommodation.

LizziesCat · 15/04/2025 20:51

Throw him back, life’s too short to spend it either fighting over chores or being pissed off that you’re the housework slave.

Where he goes is his problem not yours, it’s his fault he’s messed up on the whole sharing a house with someone.

If that’s what he is comfortable saying 2 months into living in your house there’ll be other nasty misogynistic attitudes that will gradually show themselves.

RawBloomers · 15/04/2025 20:56

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:56

I know it’s my house but I was the one who suggested moving him in and feel a bit harsh to tell him to move out after just 2 months with no where obvious to go immediately. I assumed we’d fairly split chores etc so didn’t even think to bring this up before it happened which was naive in hindsight.

To answer an earlier question, he does pay an equal split of bills and quite often insists on covering the full shopping bill. We had discussed him paying in to come on the Mortgage (only once equal) and at that point we’d split this payment 50/50 too. Luckily that was never going to be progressed until a few months in until we knew if we were suited to living with each other.

Why would you feel bad? You’ve been letting him know for weeks that he needs to pull his weight around the house. Your subtlety will only have been subtle in the sense it gave him an easy way to avoid any confrontation. He will have known you wanted him to pull his weight and has ignored you and left you to do it all - even got you to clear up his literal shit.

Then he “joked” about being male. The “humour”, again, will have been to make it more difficult for you to confront him about it. But if it had actually been a joke he would have then gone and cleaned the bathroom (which I’m assuming he didn’t do, but just realised you don’t explicitly say). It wasn’t a joke, he just didn’t want you to have a go at him for his nasty attitude.

He knows he’s pulling a fast one. It’s not naive to expect to split chores evenly. It’s obvious. You don’t have to feel guilty about kicking him about when he’s so clearly been playing you for 2 months.

StMarie4me · 15/04/2025 21:04

My sons are between 35 and 40. They clean, book and do childcare, life admin etc in partnership with their partners.
Get rid!

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 15/04/2025 21:05

DoYouReally · 15/04/2025 19:10

Wait till he gets back and keep it simple.

"I'm female. Not my job to house you, is it? Get out. Now"

👏

PinkArt · 15/04/2025 21:08

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 20:22

Laughed, he didn’t say it in a serious tone, nor did he when he made the ‘I’m male’ comment to me - almost like he knew he shouldn’t be saying it but was being jokey.

Show quote history

God misogyny is just so bants, isn't it. Men are superior to woman, HA HA HA!

TheWeeDonkeyFella · 15/04/2025 21:09

Leaving the toilet in a state for you to clean would be the deal breaker for me. 🤮

Horses7 · 15/04/2025 21:09

Oh dear this one isn’t a catch, unless you have a frank discussion about splitting house jobs fairly and he does his share…..you’re not expecting that though are you?
Raise your expectations and tell him straight, if he refuses/jokes then he has to go - ‘brilliant’ or not.

Peoplearebloodyidiots · 15/04/2025 21:10

You didn't move him in too early! He has saved you years of wasting your time with a loser, and given you a fantastic opportunity to cut your losses and find someone you deserve who doesn't behave like a pathetic man-child!

It must feel sad/bad to see his true colours, aka a complete lack of respect for you in terms of housework, but at least you know now, and can act accordingly.

latetothefisting · 15/04/2025 21:11

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:18

Aside from the cleanliness he is honestly brilliant which makes it the more frustrating. But you are all right , it isn’t normal and seeing it said here in black and white makes it obvious.

the cleanliness would be the least of the issues for me.
Yes it's annoying but people (men and women) do have varying standards of what they consider to be appropriate levels of cleanliness and neatness so it's not always malicious or even thoughtless - there's no absolute right or wrong, and with communication and willingness it is possible to reach a compromise, for messy people to get better and for very clean and tidy people to either relax a bit or accept they will end up doing more cleaning.

It's the arrogance, laziness, and sexism that would be the main concerns.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 15/04/2025 21:11

It's nothing to do with too early. He's a sexist pig which he would still have been if he moved in in 5 years. Tell him he's not quite the man you were expecting to live with and tell him to do one.

newbeggins · 15/04/2025 21:11

Once you feel anger/bitterness towards him, it will kill your sex drive and it will end anyway.

end it now before all the strife ahead

ExitPersuedByAPomBear · 15/04/2025 21:12

countrysidedeficit · 15/04/2025 20:30

It's not his cleanliness that's the problem per se, it's his misogynistic disrespectful attitude towards you.

You can't seriously want to continue this relationship? Nothing is going to change by moving him out or "slowing down". This is just who he is.

Agreed. But I think think his cleanliness or lack thereof is a major ick and clearly stems not just from his lazy habits, but his low level of respect for OP and he gets away with it by making it “jokey”. Cleaning the loo once after him is one too many, but OP has already cleaned after him a few times. It’s clearly obvious that the guy is pushing her boundaries more and more.

BasicBrumble · 15/04/2025 21:14

I'd just have a really honest conversation and say 'look, I may sound grumpy, but don't be defensive. If we're going to be serious about living together, I need to know that you agree that there are no girl/boy tasks, and we will both work to keep the place clean'. His reaction will say it all. I reckon he'll just get in a huff!

Inthetyreshop · 15/04/2025 21:14

JadeySmiles · 15/04/2025 19:56

I know it’s my house but I was the one who suggested moving him in and feel a bit harsh to tell him to move out after just 2 months with no where obvious to go immediately. I assumed we’d fairly split chores etc so didn’t even think to bring this up before it happened which was naive in hindsight.

To answer an earlier question, he does pay an equal split of bills and quite often insists on covering the full shopping bill. We had discussed him paying in to come on the Mortgage (only once equal) and at that point we’d split this payment 50/50 too. Luckily that was never going to be progressed until a few months in until we knew if we were suited to living with each other.

Op you’re being an absolute pick me!
this guy is a bum and he is only paying half so if you spilt he can demand the money back or say he has shares in your house.

this story has been written MANY times before and after you.

he is a user, a bum, and a sexiest.

stop feeling bad, he isn’t your child, you were not put on earth to be his mother and cater to him.

trust me you will look 6/12/24 months from now regretting the effort you put into this relationship which will end after he drains you of everything

Lampzade · 15/04/2025 21:16

Op it will not get any better

Thisisittheapocalypse · 15/04/2025 21:16

Tell him to get the fuck out of your house. IMmediately. Do not wait.

What a fucking twat.

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