18 year old son asked for lunch by family member

[EWAB]

i didn’t know how I should title the thread.

My son is 18 so an adult. A man. He lives at home and will go to university in September.

If a kind of family member, a woman, I imagine in her late 60s/70s told him she was going to be in London over Easter and would he meet her for lunch, would you be tempted to tag along?

My reaction your OP was : Err… of course not.

But then someone he has never met, in those specific circumstances, that’s a different matter.
I’d do what he wanted me to do. I think 18yo are very varied in terms of independence and holding their own. Dc1 would have been fine. Dc2 not really. I mean dc2 is now nearly 20yo and I dint think he’d be ready for that even now (and despite having been away at Uni fur 2 years).

I think the fact your ds is weary of her motives is a good sign tbh.
She might be really kind. She might wonder who on earth is that person her husband/partner(?) left all this money to. She might want to try and make him feel guilty. Or just share with him who he was. Who knows.
One thing I would do is to have a chat with him about the reasons why she wants to meet up. As neutrally as possible (I’m assuming you dint really know her either?)

Good lord - cut the apron strings! This sounds utterly stifling…

"My son is going to be a beneficiary of the will of his late half-great uncle"

Maybe I’m being thick but half great uncle? Surely you can’t be a half uncle? You’re either someone’s (great) uncle or you’re not? 🤔

You're only ever half related an uncle, right? It's either the sibling of your parent or in this case the sibling (I assume) of your grandparent. Maybe it's the grandparent's half-sibling, but that hardly feels like a distinction worth making. 🤷‍♀️

I'm trying to work it out too. Presumably a grandparent's half-brother? May need to sit down with paper and pencil.

That's what I thought. But they would still be the child of a great grandparent so just as much of a great uncle?

I agree with @Lavenderandbrown , although I am English my DD is living with me and was born on the continent. Approaching 18. Here, although an "adult" , until economically indepenant or 24, you are responsible,as the parent.

I am now shocked when I look at all the "cut the ties" threads. As if 18 your job is done.

18 is a teenager, still at school for most.

Yes, I left home at 18, but it was all SO different 30 years ago. I also got a full grant etc.

DCs in France/Spain/taly live at home until late 20s.

I KNEW this would be about inheritance and I would advise, like a PP, not to meet.
Manipulation jumps straight to my mind.

I think you are right to be wary and prep him for possible emotional blackmail/manipulation, just in case. It could all be perfectly innocent but you never know.

And 18 is absolutely not fully cooked! Yes legally they are adults but it’s madness to think that when the clock ticks over midnight on their 18th birthdays, that they can suddenly cope with everything and need no guidance.

Of course, someone will be along in a minute to say “I’d lived in 6 countries/travelled in war zones/got my PhD and had 6 children by the time I was that age blah blah” but for the vast majority of people, 18 can still be quite young. Go with your instincts and protect your boy!!

@harriethoyle You don’t think that an 18-year-old who’s still at school might not be a little naive? It’s quite possible that this lady just wants to get to know him, perhaps she has no family of her own. But she could also be trying to get something to her advantage.

Unfortunately, both DH’s and my families had experiences issues with ppl not following a late person’s wishes as stated in their wills.

I've always encouraged my kids to be independent and definitely wasn't a helicopter parent. But at 18, I very much suspect that my DDs wouldn't have wanted to meet this person alone, under these specific circumstances. And I'd have been wary of them being put in that position. Can the cousin go with him?

How odd!!!!
I would advise your son to not meet up with this woman who he has never met but is the partner of his relative who has left him money in his will.
What does she want?
No, I just wouldn’t go, if I was him I’d say I was off travelling for a while….

It's like getting blood out of a stone OP!

Cynical old me thinks she's after some dosh but who knows?

If son is hesitant and asks your advice [and only if] then I'd tell him he can choose not to go. She can write him a letter if she wishes.

Whoops missed the late

It might be that late great uncle left a letter of wishes with his partner and or a letter for your DS to be read when he inherited. It might for example say something along the lines of he enjoyed travelling when he was young and thinks it broadens the mind. Without being binding he'd like your DS to consider using the inheritance to fund a trip or two away.... I've seen lots of letters like this in my time as a private client advisor.

Absolutely not, unless you know she's some Cruella DeVille type, but with young men and not dogs.

Also, may I add. Having just got an incredibly contentious divorce...Has she seen a lawyer who has told her "if you can record him saying he never met him"(or whatever...no idea) she can contest the will.

No,no.Noody should go...he would love to meet her during the summer. When exams are over. When he is more sorted re uni etc etc...

No rush.

@saraclara Same here, DD ( nearly 20) is very independent and meets up with for lunch with former teacher and employers whom she gets on with, for example.

But if she were invited to this particular lunch, I would definitely talk it through with her first. As for DS (16.5), I’d definitely be around the corner! Although he obviously couldn’t agree to/sign anything without parental consent yet.

What's a half uncle? Like a family friend, not really your uncle? Is your older son also in the will?

OK, so I've read a bit more now.

She's probably after money/a variation of the will or something like that. Which wouldn't be enacted there & then at the table. So even if she gets him to say he'll agree to that he could (should) change his mind before it progressed any further.

It might be a good lesson for him in the horrible ways of adults.

Step great uncle

OP, are you the same person who posts threads about your older son not being included in (or receiving inheritance money from) your DH’s family as he’s a stepson? Some of this feels familiar.

If the great uncle was from your DH’s side then I think it would be more appropriate for him to go along with your youngest to the meeting.

OP you've been asked over and over again how much the inheritance is for your DS but you never answer! It makes a big difference if it's a couple of thousand or a couple of hundred thousand. Context is all and you are being very evasive.

I think I'd want to know where they are lunching, But presumably, he's comfortable travelling around London alone and will have a phone? As PPs have suggested, I would think she would like to have an acquaintance with her late partner's beneficiaries.

It's interesting to see the views of the posters who feel there's nothing suspicious in the great aunt wanting to meet up with your ds but doesn't extend the invitation to you or your husband. I see things very differently and suspect she's manoeuvring for a variation of the will. A variation in her favour of course. You can't gate crash the lunch but you can prepare your son by explaining how wills work and how they can be varied. If you think he's got the personality to question an adult he's just met, you could prepare him with some questions for her such as what has she been left, why didn't the great uncle leave her the house (or whatever she wants) , what would the great uncle think about her trying to override his wishes, how wealthy is she in her own right? Does she live in London or is she making a special visit in order to meet up with him? You should also give him enough money to cover his lunch just in case she turns nasty when he won't hand over his inheritance!