To think that Millennials / Gen Z have sucked the joy out of weddings?

[EveryFlavourJellyBeans]

Sort of inspired by a few threads I've seen on here and on Reddit. I'm a geriatric millennial and went to quite a few weddings in my childhood and 20s and I read some of the stories on here with a mixture of horror and fascination.

Elaborate hen / stag dos abroad costing guests thousands and if you can't afford to go then you don't make the wedding guest list.

Unreasonable demands for parents with babies in arms, along the lines of not even wanting the baby in the venue looked after by another so that Mum can nip out and BF etc or being offended when parents turn down invites to multi day events miles away from where they live.

Elaborate colour schemes with dress codes for guests, unflattering dresses for bridesmaids etc. Demands that bridesmaids pay for dresses they will never wear again.

Some of the nicest weddings I've been to are low key shindigs in village halls, where everyone was relaxed and happy instead of being uncomfortable, posing for endless photos for the Instagram shots.

Is it social media driven? Does everyone only care about how the wedding looks and not if guests are having a good time?

There have always been OTT weddings and cheap party weddings

but yes social media does affect what people think of as normal - they have seen more celebrity weddings than normal ones it will screw you up

@EdithBond I mostly agree with you - marketing, anything to make a profit etc. I have been married but only in a registry office and none of that giving the bride away stuff. There are valid legal and financial reasons for marriage - but not for the completely OTT extravagance that seems the norm nowadays.

So the complaints about 'new' weddings are:

• no kids
• dress codes
• expensive locations
• expensive hen/stags
• elaborate lists of 'needs' that cost money and are just photo fodder

And the complaints about 'old' weddings tend to be

• kids running riot/noise during ceremony
• being forced to invite people you don't actually want there because of 'family' or made up social 'rules'
• having to do things 'a certain way' or the neighbours will gossip, regardless of desire or funds
• parents thinking they should have a say over everything, especially if they've paid

I would say it's pretty evenly matched tbh.

Oh and it's the circles you run in, really. Having a big traditional wedding with loads of expensive events is seen as pretty uncool in some circles! I hear of far more low key weddings these days, I think social media is perhaps making people think that mad weddings are more common now than they were, but I've got relatives who could tell you stories of 80s weddings that would make your jaw drop open... there was just no social media then!

It's good to hear that lots of people are having normal weddings and that Mumsnet isn't reflected in reality.

But I find it interesting that so many feel the need to defend child free weddings, when my original point was not about the fact that the weddings are child free, it's about the reports of couples who seem to take offence when those with children cannot attend, and seem to especially lack comprehension around the needs of a newborn.

You’re never too old for a party IMHO. I love a party.

Daytime clubs are becoming a thing. Dance your socks off and still be home in bed with a cup of tea by 10. Go for it! Marquee in a field and you can invite everyone you want to 🪩

“reports”??
But what are you basing this on?
Equally are countless posts about people coming onto mumsnet and moaning that their kids aren’t invited. Some of them insisting on bringing their kids anyway.

Oh thank you! I'll need to look into this. I must admit, now I do have boozy lunches with friends instead of nights out means I can still be home reasonably early and get a decent night's sleep. I guess this is the new phase of my life 🙃

I don’t really get the comments about big weddings and quick divorces as if one links to the other- which obviously they don’t- are you suggesting that unhappy couples should stay together to get maximum value for money from their wedding day?

God I hate these generational threads, all old people making massive generalisations and tut-tutting about young people.

It's true that younger generations feel less pressure to do things in a set, traditional way. That's a great thing. No one should feel that they have to have the exact same formula of wedding that their parents and grandparents did, or the style of wedding their mothers and aunts want. If autonomy and self-determination is a "millennial or Gen Z thing" then more power to them.

In practice I've been to countless weddings, probably mostly the Gen X/millennial crossover age group, and they've all been vastly different. The traditional massive country house one. The hipster East London one in an art space. The fancy dinner for a few friends then big dancefloor rave afterwards. The one on a Greek beach (the lowest-key of all even if it was abroad). The full-on Instaglam one that must have cost several small fortunes (very in character for the bride, who seemed to be having the time of her life). They were all joyous occasions, mostly because I only go to weddings of people I actually like, so the point wasn't the style but the fact that I got to see my friends so happy.

The people who suck the joy out of weddings are the judgmental old bags who moan about "back in my day".

Neither do I, I'd rather someone have a quick divorce than be married for years unhappily which is largely what people used to do back in the day.... and you can't tell me anyone thought longer and harder about getting married back then, it's much more common these days to be together for many years before getting married, you get a lot less of 'we met in Feb and were married by August'!

<claps wildly>

I think this is what’s missing from modern weddings - the fact that in most cases it’s not actually the beginning of a new life together for the couple, and they are lacking something, an emotional charge, because of it. I went to lots of weddings in the 80s, when plenty of people did things the old fashioned way dated, got engaged, got married then moved into their first home together. I got married at the end of the 80s, we had not lived together, church service followed by reception in a lovely university dining hall and left for our honeymoon at the end of the reception.

I'm a younger millennial and didn't have most of this. My bridesmaids did pay for their own dresses, but I just asked them if they were okay with the colour and they could pick whatever they wanted (I started out wanting to pay for them but then my maid of honour wanted a £300+ dress and offered to pay for it herself; my other friend found one on Vinted and three family members work in fashion and were happy to find their own).

Edit: oh and we skipped stag and hen dos. We planned the wedding in about 6 months and had a lot of life changes (moving cities) going on, plus I didn't want to ask more from our friends.

People genuinely still talk about our wedding, there was a big focus on fun, family, lots of good food and music, joyful dancing. Could be a cultural element to it as well.

I didn't post about our wedding at all until a year later, never posted about our engagement or our new baby. I also haven't found any of our friends' weddings to be joyless or all about social media, maybe it's to do with norms in different social circles

Well that's probably because the vast majority of ANY weddings you'd have gone to in the last two decades would have been "millennial" weddings (with gen z only now creeping up) because they millennials are now 28-43 years old, i.e. spanning the most common marrying age.

While, of course, people 44 and older will also be getting married, this is less common and will be more likely to be second marriages, which are usually more low key anyway.

If you've been to any nice/low key weddings in the last twenty years you could equally extrapolate that as the standard "millennial" wedding and assume all weddings are the same.

But a wedding is... a wedding. Expecting it to be some kind of interactive entertainment experience just seems very weird and demanding. I get that small children need things to do and explore at a party, but are adults these days not able to enjoy a party by socialising, dancing, eating and drinking?

Groan at me then because yes, some of the happiest weddings I’ve attended have been those where the reception(s) were not fancy but were to celebrate the marriage rather than the main event.

I’ve been to more than one wedding where the couple had little money and invited people to be at the ceremony then join them for a picnic or a buffet reception with guests bringing a food contribution rather than gifts and the couple providing Champagne and some drinks. They were lovely unfussy and sociable occasions and the marriages are still strong many years down the line.

I’ve also been to “destination” weddings (I still shudder at the year of monthly trips to Tuscany et al) where the marriage collapsed within twelve months of the £50k wedding. Its possible for the event to overshadow the thinking about the marriage and the people involved.

Two of mine are married so far. Both different style weddings but neither had half of the Insta friendly fripperies which seem essential according to the wedding industry. Both had receptions bringing oldies, younger relatives and friends together and everyone had a happy time.

💯

If I want a day out at a theme park I’ll go to a theme park. At a wedding I want to celebrate the couple and families and usually grab the opportutity to catch up with family and friends.

Lordy lordy, Asian weddings are purely for social media. The ones (apart from my own) that have stood out for me are the low-key ones, one in a temple, one in a mosque. It brought tje concept of marriage ceremony back to its basics: friends, family, simplicity and faith/ spirituality.

I haven't been to a wedding for years. The last 2 I've been invited to I've had to decline due to being on holiday.
A young relative has recently got engaged. I'm waiting with baited breath to see what sort of wedding they will have. They are both well paid professionals and I've seen the insta pictures of recent weddings of their friends which they've attended - some of them destination weddings.
When I look back at my wedding in the 1980's, we didn't waste nearly as much money on unnecessary things as they do now.

But you're basing this on Mumsnet threads. Are people really likely to come on here and post "my friend cant come to my wedding because it's a child free wedding and she has no childcare, and I'm absolutely fine that that"
Of course not. Similarly, people are unlikely to come on here creating threads to let everyone know that they had an uneventful shopping trip. People only post about things that bother them

*Edit typo

Late stage capitalism sums it up perfectly.

DNiece gets married this July (she's 33) & it's all of the things that annoy me: elaborate, expensive abroad hen; home hen; huge tralala about the dress buying (insta posts about 'Yes to the dress'); losing oodles of weight despite already being slim etc. I'm quite surprised as she's just great & very down to earth. I thought it was peer pressure, but I actually think she wants it all.

I politely declined the abroad hen, being very honest that it's not my thing, but will go to the home hen, (although mainly to avoid both my sisters making more comment than they already have).

I love my niece, so want to & will go to the wedding, but I'm not looking forward to the whole shebang of it. I'm the youngest of our siblings, so closest in age to her, so people expect me to be all over it, but it's just not me at all.

I'm.currently on the lookout for a fabulous outfit so I can put to bed my sisters' views that I'm not at all bothered. Least I can wear it again & feel good on the day.

My other niece went away just the 2 of them to a forrest. Didn't tell anyone & then let us know. The photos are just magical. They had some backlash, but most folk loved it as it was so very them. She's very much inherited my anti-consumer attitude!

The 80s? That decade famous for rampant consumerism and "greed is good"? Pull the other one.

I can’t relate to this repsonse at all. A wedding is a wedding. It’s a 10 hour endeavour as a day guest. What’s wrong with having a maze of beautiful garden or ZOO to explore whilst you’re there? I don’t expect anything. I do, you know, respond to enjoyable things though 🤯

My only complaint is mid -week weddings, which seem to be more popular now - particularly if they're some distance away (which will obviously vary between guests). We were invited to a Thursday wedding, we would have needed to spend Wednesday afternoon travelling there, and most of Friday travelling back. So 3 days annual leave to attend a wedding. We declined.

My first wedding in 1988 cost under £100. No fees for church as I was a member. Local village hall, both sets of parents did the food. Main expense was new shoes for DH. Had a few days honeymoon in west Wales.

Second wedding in 1996 cost about £1000. Officers' mess so no charge for venue. Main expense bottles of whisky for helpful friends! Two weeks honeymoon in west Cornwall.