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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a friend for her 15yo to stay at home?

178 replies

Saladleaves17 · 14/04/2025 17:51

Every year my friendship group does an annual day out to somewhere a bit more fun/expensive than your usual day out. All the kids (12) are currently under 5 apart from my friends SS who is now 15. It was working well up until a couple of years ago when my friends SS turned 13 and understandably lost interest in playing with toddlers including his younger sister.

We’ve always done things more aimed towards the 15yo as the others were too young to really care about what they were doing but the last two years, the 15yo has spent the day walking round behind the group, on his phone, not wanting to socialise with any of the kids or adults. I don’t blame him, he’s a teenager, but it was obvious he didn’t really want to be there and would rather be with his friends or girlfriend than all of us.

This year, as the younger kids are getting older we suggested going somewhere that was more aimed towards that age range as they make up most of the group. Mum is still insistent on bringing the 15yo and is making it impossible to arrange anything, as everything that is suggested she turns down as it’s too young for her teenager and he would be bored.

I completely understand she wants to include him but as the years go on, I also get the impression she only really wants him at places to babysit his younger sister so she can spend the day chatting. She is always talking about how much hard work and how annoying her toddler is and when ever we see them throughout the year it’s always the 15yo doing most of the parenting. In my opinion the poor kid is being dragged around to act as babysitter for his little sister when his parents cba. We are then taking a group of 12 toddlers to places they don’t or can’t enjoy because they are too small to cater for the 15 year old - who then spends the whole day miserable and not wanting to socialise with anyone. It just seems like a waste of money for the majority of the group as we are only going to these places for the 15yo who then doesn’t enjoy himself anyway.

After her declining suggestions from several people in our friendship group, I suggested to his mum that maybe he would prefer to go out with his friends/girlfriend/other family members for the day instead of coming out with us this year and she went absolutely mad about it and is taking it very personally. I heard the whole ‘you’re only saying that because he was my child first’ basically referring to the fact he is a SS, which is just ridiculous considering we have all always bent over backwards to include him in everything from day 1 (which was several years ago).

Now I’m sitting here second guessing myself, was I being unreasonable to suggest he might prefer to stay with friends this year?

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 15/04/2025 02:39

Confer with other parents and make two suggestions that suit the majority of the older small children (5-10 years olds) and put it to a vote. That is the venue. All welcome to come, or not.
Again, make the suggestion for the teenager to bring a friend, for his own enjoyment of the day.

Tbrh · 15/04/2025 03:22

Loopytiles · 14/04/2025 17:53

Just set the place to suit the majority of the group and invite her and her DC, if she declines so be it.

This. Put it to a vote if there's no consensus

Noshowlomo · 15/04/2025 16:30

Any decisions made today OP?

Momtotwokids · 15/04/2025 20:07

She treats both kids like they are a nuisance. The little girl especially and your friend better man up and stop the wife treating her like nothing.

Anonym00se · 15/04/2025 20:20

My DS would have sooner gouged his own eyes out at 15 than come for a day out with me and my friends and a gang of toddlers. It was hard enough to get him to appear in public with just us and his siblings. She sounds insufferable!

Original poster
Saladleaves17 · 22/04/2025 13:44

It’s been a couple of weeks I know but just wanted to update the thread with what happened in the end since I had so many replies.

To cut a long story short, she was still being really awkward. We ended up doing a poll with everyone’s suggestions including her own that weren’t suitable for toddlers. She only chose 1 (hers), everyone else chose from the others. We went to go ahead without her and then she messaged one of my (soft) friends guilt tripping her. My friend having no backbone (love her dearly but she’ll never stand up for herself) then started saying we should maybe reconsider and do something more suitable for the older kid.

I got so fed up I just excused myself from the whole event and have booked tickets for me, my husband and our son to go to Legoland instead.

They can all now fight amongst themselves with what they are going to do for the day!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 22/04/2025 13:57

Your friends sound wet!

Kitkatcatflap · 22/04/2025 14:40

Don't blame you OP. You tried, so go and have a great time with your family at Legoland

crazeekat · 22/04/2025 14:47

Hi op u did the right thing. When there too many people u ant please everyone. Ur friend is extremely selfish and you’re better off not having that stress. Leave them all too it, don’t be hurt, your friends made their choice cos they have no backbone and I bet they are all kicking themselfs now having to do a day out that isn’t even suited to their kids cos of one misery guts. (The mum not the child). Well done.

Needspaceforlego · 22/04/2025 15:26

I don't blame you, you tried.
15 is a tough age, not an adult and too big for lots of kids stuff. I can't imagine many 15yos wanting to go on a little kids day out.

Needspaceforlego · 22/04/2025 15:46

Now you've pulled out, I bet others will be thinking the same thing and the full day will fall through at the last minute.

If you want a group day out, I'd be half tempted to open the invite, "we've booked Legoland for that day, if anyone else doesn't fancy Go-karts feel free to join us". 1

lazycats · 22/04/2025 15:51

Just put suggestions to a group vote and leave that that. It’s absurd to cater a day for a 15 yo who won’t want to be there anyway.

EDIT always read every op post before commenting!

Inmydreams88 · 22/04/2025 15:54

Saladleaves17 · 14/04/2025 18:13

We had actually already suggested that but the issue isn’t him being by himself, it’s the places we have suggested as nothing is good enough. Plus she wasn’t overly keen on having to look after another child for day…she “doesn’t even like looking after her own so she doesn’t want an extra responsibility” her exact words when it was suggested lol.

Show quote history

This makes no sense. If the 15 year old is only being brought along as babysitter then why does it matter where you go? Surely the 15 year old won’t be do activities appropriate to his age if he’s stuck looking after the toddler? 🤔

JustSawJohnny · 22/04/2025 16:24

Needspaceforlego · 22/04/2025 15:46

Now you've pulled out, I bet others will be thinking the same thing and the full day will fall through at the last minute.

If you want a group day out, I'd be half tempted to open the invite, "we've booked Legoland for that day, if anyone else doesn't fancy Go-karts feel free to join us". 1

THIS

I think the group overall would thank you for it.

DepressingMumLife234 · 22/04/2025 16:59

You did the right thing OP. I've been in this situation where one person in the group makes it really awkward and I had to abandon trying to make plans. Once I bailed, everyone else did too.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 22/04/2025 17:38

Don't blame you at all. What a shame your wet friend caved and frankly, screwed everyone else over. Hopefully most others will pull out as well.
Personally, I'd arrange another day for those interested at the venue that had the highest votes. It doesn't need to be overly complicated to arrange. A loose invite (we will be going on so and so date, see you there) and I bet most people want to join you. Don't sack off the day out with your OH though. It just seems a massive shame that the most selfish person "won" and you are missing out. At least there is no more drama for you anyway!

Original poster
Saladleaves17 · 22/04/2025 19:17

Loopytiles · 22/04/2025 13:57

Your friends sound wet!

They aren’t all that bad, just a couple. One pain in the ass and one push over 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Saladleaves17 · 22/04/2025 19:19

Needspaceforlego · 22/04/2025 15:46

Now you've pulled out, I bet others will be thinking the same thing and the full day will fall through at the last minute.

If you want a group day out, I'd be half tempted to open the invite, "we've booked Legoland for that day, if anyone else doesn't fancy Go-karts feel free to join us". 1

Yeah I’m going to wait with anticipation for the ‘sorry guys, so and so has been sick in the night so we can’t come’. I know it will happen!

OP posts:
Original poster
Saladleaves17 · 22/04/2025 19:25

Inmydreams88 · 22/04/2025 15:54

This makes no sense. If the 15 year old is only being brought along as babysitter then why does it matter where you go? Surely the 15 year old won’t be do activities appropriate to his age if he’s stuck looking after the toddler? 🤔

Show quote history

It doesn’t, that’s the thing that was irritating me. She wanted us to plan a whole day around a kid who will just be looking after his little sister. She dragged the poor kid to a pumpkin patch last year, he just spent the whole time picking the toddler up off the floor when she tripped over, lifting her on and off hay bales while the parents sat on their backsides with a coffee. The little girl is so clingy to him and the way she acts around him, anyone would think he was her parent, not brother. It’s exhausting to watch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saladleaves17 · 22/04/2025 19:28

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 22/04/2025 17:38

Don't blame you at all. What a shame your wet friend caved and frankly, screwed everyone else over. Hopefully most others will pull out as well.
Personally, I'd arrange another day for those interested at the venue that had the highest votes. It doesn't need to be overly complicated to arrange. A loose invite (we will be going on so and so date, see you there) and I bet most people want to join you. Don't sack off the day out with your OH though. It just seems a massive shame that the most selfish person "won" and you are missing out. At least there is no more drama for you anyway!

That’s a good idea actually! I will suggest that to the others about going to the other place as the kids would really love it!

Oh i definitely won’t cancel the day with my family. We’ve already told my little boy as he has been asking for months and months to go and he is finally tall enough now to go on most of the rides. We surprised him over the Easter weekend to say we were going, so he won’t let me forget it now!

OP posts:
YerArseInParsley · 01/05/2025 21:02

Saladleaves17 · 14/04/2025 17:51

Every year my friendship group does an annual day out to somewhere a bit more fun/expensive than your usual day out. All the kids (12) are currently under 5 apart from my friends SS who is now 15. It was working well up until a couple of years ago when my friends SS turned 13 and understandably lost interest in playing with toddlers including his younger sister.

We’ve always done things more aimed towards the 15yo as the others were too young to really care about what they were doing but the last two years, the 15yo has spent the day walking round behind the group, on his phone, not wanting to socialise with any of the kids or adults. I don’t blame him, he’s a teenager, but it was obvious he didn’t really want to be there and would rather be with his friends or girlfriend than all of us.

This year, as the younger kids are getting older we suggested going somewhere that was more aimed towards that age range as they make up most of the group. Mum is still insistent on bringing the 15yo and is making it impossible to arrange anything, as everything that is suggested she turns down as it’s too young for her teenager and he would be bored.

I completely understand she wants to include him but as the years go on, I also get the impression she only really wants him at places to babysit his younger sister so she can spend the day chatting. She is always talking about how much hard work and how annoying her toddler is and when ever we see them throughout the year it’s always the 15yo doing most of the parenting. In my opinion the poor kid is being dragged around to act as babysitter for his little sister when his parents cba. We are then taking a group of 12 toddlers to places they don’t or can’t enjoy because they are too small to cater for the 15 year old - who then spends the whole day miserable and not wanting to socialise with anyone. It just seems like a waste of money for the majority of the group as we are only going to these places for the 15yo who then doesn’t enjoy himself anyway.

After her declining suggestions from several people in our friendship group, I suggested to his mum that maybe he would prefer to go out with his friends/girlfriend/other family members for the day instead of coming out with us this year and she went absolutely mad about it and is taking it very personally. I heard the whole ‘you’re only saying that because he was my child first’ basically referring to the fact he is a SS, which is just ridiculous considering we have all always bent over backwards to include him in everything from day 1 (which was several years ago).

Now I’m sitting here second guessing myself, was I being unreasonable to suggest he might prefer to stay with friends this year?

Oh dear, I knew that wouldn't go down well. All she heard was don't bring your child on the day out. It's not something I would have mentioned tbh.

You all should have made suggestions and went with the majority vote. Yous can't let one person dictate the whole day every time.

4forksache · 01/05/2025 23:10

Thanks for updating op.

Agree if you arrange a day out at the other place, a lot will join you. You don’t need to exclude her but the toddlers will get a better day out for them.

Loopytiles · 02/05/2025 17:50

Other friends are weak, too, if they continue to go along with what PITA friend wants and wet lettuce friend agrees to.

Needspaceforlego · 02/05/2025 18:08

I still thing the day will fall through. They'll be a load of last minute pull outs as it starts to dawn that the little kids will get bored and start whining.
Bored whinney kids are not fun for anyone

Secondguess · 02/05/2025 18:17

So you've all been happily going along with locations that suit her older child every year, and the one time you suggest choosing something to suit the younger ones she behaves like this? What a testament to her personality. Don't feel guilty if some of you arrange try the other ideas without her.

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