To ask a friend for her 15yo to stay at home?

[Saladleaves17]

Every year my friendship group does an annual day out to somewhere a bit more fun/expensive than your usual day out. All the kids (12) are currently under 5 apart from my friends SS who is now 15. It was working well up until a couple of years ago when my friends SS turned 13 and understandably lost interest in playing with toddlers including his younger sister.

We’ve always done things more aimed towards the 15yo as the others were too young to really care about what they were doing but the last two years, the 15yo has spent the day walking round behind the group, on his phone, not wanting to socialise with any of the kids or adults. I don’t blame him, he’s a teenager, but it was obvious he didn’t really want to be there and would rather be with his friends or girlfriend than all of us.

This year, as the younger kids are getting older we suggested going somewhere that was more aimed towards that age range as they make up most of the group. Mum is still insistent on bringing the 15yo and is making it impossible to arrange anything, as everything that is suggested she turns down as it’s too young for her teenager and he would be bored.

I completely understand she wants to include him but as the years go on, I also get the impression she only really wants him at places to babysit his younger sister so she can spend the day chatting. She is always talking about how much hard work and how annoying her toddler is and when ever we see them throughout the year it’s always the 15yo doing most of the parenting. In my opinion the poor kid is being dragged around to act as babysitter for his little sister when his parents cba. We are then taking a group of 12 toddlers to places they don’t or can’t enjoy because they are too small to cater for the 15 year old - who then spends the whole day miserable and not wanting to socialise with anyone. It just seems like a waste of money for the majority of the group as we are only going to these places for the 15yo who then doesn’t enjoy himself anyway.

After her declining suggestions from several people in our friendship group, I suggested to his mum that maybe he would prefer to go out with his friends/girlfriend/other family members for the day instead of coming out with us this year and she went absolutely mad about it and is taking it very personally. I heard the whole ‘you’re only saying that because he was my child first’ basically referring to the fact he is a SS, which is just ridiculous considering we have all always bent over backwards to include him in everything from day 1 (which was several years ago).

Now I’m sitting here second guessing myself, was I being unreasonable to suggest he might prefer to stay with friends this year?

This is an impossible task. 15 year olds are rarely interested in family days out let alone one with 12 preschoolers.

Just pick something that suits the majority and let her sulk. She sounds like an absolute idiot.

Alton towers is really quite far from us so would be an instant no due to distance, however even if we lived up the road it would be a no as the 15yo doesn’t like rides. Any type of ride I’ve found out this evening so can’t even go on the toddler ones lol

‘you’re only saying that because he was my child first’ basically referring to the fact he is a SS,

Is he biologically hers or her SS?

Well you can’t insist she doesn’t bring him and tbh it’s not your business to dictate because for years, a precedent was set where all the children are invited.

I agree with doing a vote. Let everyone vote for one activity and go with that.

@Saladleaves17 I don’t know where you live, but have you heard of Bewilderwood? There’s one in Norfolk & one in Cheshire.

I’ve been there with all ages & everyone had a brilliant time. We went up the night before, stayed in a travelodge & went straight there in the morning.

Even if it doesn’t work for the teenager, it’s worth looking at for everyone else 😊

bewilderwood.co.uk

But equally, she can’t dictate the activity to suit one person either.

All the places you mentioned are also fine for a 15 year old IMO.

Agree with PP he’s going to be behave the same (ie like a teenager!) no matter where it is and it’s a bit of a shame he can’t bring a friend or stay home if he wants to.

Put the choices into a poll on what’s app and go with the most popular as suggested above.

Would he spend the day with his grandad and the two of them go for a meal together?

But he loves go karts? She's having you on now.

Because of the vast difference in age, it’s ludicrous to even try to accommodate them all.

When did the minority have greater sway over the majority in decisions??
Given the logistics, I think you need to ask the WhatsApp group to vote on whatever you suggest, and then go with the majority decision…otherwise you will be prevaricating forever. It’s her problem, no one else’s.

give it to her to come up with 3 suggestions of places that will please all the children and see what she comes up with - give her a deadline or you'll use one of the alternatives

Just put the options you have and hers in a poll and select the winner.

She's being a dick, I'd have uninvited her by now.

@Notsosure1 biologically hers, he’s my friends Step Son so she is now trying to make out because he isnt my friends son we don’t want to include him.

I didn’t insist he didn’t come, I asked her if she thought he might prefer to stay at home as she shut down every suggestion that was made. It seemed that he wouldn’t be happy with anything so asked if he would prefer to spend the day with his friends or girlfriend.

I have heard of that yes! I’ll take a look, thanks

He would 100% love to spend the day with his grandad, I know that for a fact as his grandad raised him alongside his mum as she was a single mum for most of his life. It’s his mum that’s just being stubborn now, I think she’s got a bee in her bonnet because the day isn’t going to be centred around her 15yo any more

I haven't read all responses (phone playing up) but I get why she wants to include him with him being a SS even if he'd rather be anywhere but at that age. Might be a bit misguided but don't make it seem as though he's not welcome. You've suggested it and it's not gone down well so I'd leave it there. If he's got a steady girlfriend can she come too?

I'd be done pandering to her, even if that means your friend/her husband is out of the picture at future gatherings. If the other friends can't stand up for themselves, it's time for new friends or family-only outings, as pp said.

I'd chat privately amongst a few of the others, agree an outing you all like, and invite the rest. They can come or they can give it a pass. They're free to suggest something for another time, and if it's something that would be miserable to do with a young child, I'd just say so and not bother. Friendships fluctuate, and some of these may have had their day. Perhaps they can be revived at a later phase of life. (Or just breathe a sigh of relief and count yourself lucky that you're free of them.)

Agree, put a poll up, then people can actually vote, include the go karting to see if both her and her husband votes

Its the only way otherwise you will never reach an agreement

Any idea why she doesn't want to leave him home alone for one day at the age of 15? ND, hooligan, immature/can't be trusted? Very odd to be dragging a reluctant teenager around year after year imo.

I was left home alone from 13 as my baby brother was 8 years younger than me but I appreciate it might just have been a different time...

What 15yr old wants to hang about with a group of mums and their young kids. No wonder he looks bored and fed up. I can imagine the response my 15yr old would have if they were expected to come.
If she insists he comes then as pp says maybe suggest he brings a friend. Other than that not much else you can do. But I certainly wouldn't be arranging a day to fit round a teenager at that age when all other kids are a lot younger.

I'd message her one more time:
Hey, this is becoming quite stressful to plan. There are 12 toddlers and one teen. We can't cater to one. At this point "teen" needs to come along and be prepared to hang out and have fun with a group of little kids and mums or sit this trip out - which we will understand as "teen" has other interests. The majority agree on Legoland/whatever, and that's the plan. Let me know by tonight/deadline if the three of you are joining, or if "teen" has decided to sit this one out. We're booking tomorrow/whenever.
If, let's call her "Jan" gets upset just say, It's tough having the age gap, but this day had to come. They're not babies forever. I get it. We do need your decision, though.
If she bows out, Ok, we understand. Try for next year.

What did you ask her about suggestions? It was your biggest mistake, just put general post and don’t reply to her comments or reply : yes, I know it’s tricky to find the ideal place for everyone. And then try to move conversation further.

No idea, he’s a really good kid never given her any trouble, she’s just very over protective and I don’t think she can stand the idea of having a day out without him. She’s quite happy to get rid of her toddler for the day but won’t leave the older one.

She does rely on him to look after the toddler all the time, he does more parenting than her and my friend when we meet up regardless of whether it’s at home or out somewhere, so I do think she wants him there to take care of the little one as well. She has said she would rather not come and let the 3 year old miss out on playing with her friends than leave the 15 year old at home.