To ask a friend for her 15yo to stay at home?

[Saladleaves17]

Every year my friendship group does an annual day out to somewhere a bit more fun/expensive than your usual day out. All the kids (12) are currently under 5 apart from my friends SS who is now 15. It was working well up until a couple of years ago when my friends SS turned 13 and understandably lost interest in playing with toddlers including his younger sister.

We’ve always done things more aimed towards the 15yo as the others were too young to really care about what they were doing but the last two years, the 15yo has spent the day walking round behind the group, on his phone, not wanting to socialise with any of the kids or adults. I don’t blame him, he’s a teenager, but it was obvious he didn’t really want to be there and would rather be with his friends or girlfriend than all of us.

This year, as the younger kids are getting older we suggested going somewhere that was more aimed towards that age range as they make up most of the group. Mum is still insistent on bringing the 15yo and is making it impossible to arrange anything, as everything that is suggested she turns down as it’s too young for her teenager and he would be bored.

I completely understand she wants to include him but as the years go on, I also get the impression she only really wants him at places to babysit his younger sister so she can spend the day chatting. She is always talking about how much hard work and how annoying her toddler is and when ever we see them throughout the year it’s always the 15yo doing most of the parenting. In my opinion the poor kid is being dragged around to act as babysitter for his little sister when his parents cba. We are then taking a group of 12 toddlers to places they don’t or can’t enjoy because they are too small to cater for the 15 year old - who then spends the whole day miserable and not wanting to socialise with anyone. It just seems like a waste of money for the majority of the group as we are only going to these places for the 15yo who then doesn’t enjoy himself anyway.

After her declining suggestions from several people in our friendship group, I suggested to his mum that maybe he would prefer to go out with his friends/girlfriend/other family members for the day instead of coming out with us this year and she went absolutely mad about it and is taking it very personally. I heard the whole ‘you’re only saying that because he was my child first’ basically referring to the fact he is a SS, which is just ridiculous considering we have all always bent over backwards to include him in everything from day 1 (which was several years ago).

Now I’m sitting here second guessing myself, was I being unreasonable to suggest he might prefer to stay with friends this year?

None that I know!! The dads will be coming as well and he gets on really well with his step dad (my friend), but he’s just at the age where he doesn’t want to socialise with toddlers and doesn’t want to socialise with adults either. He just wants to be with his mates, and I can’t blame him for that.

I’ve suggested tonight about bringing a friend and her response was she doesn’t even like looking after her own kids, she doesn’t need the responsibility of someone else’s as well - so that’s a no.

You've been very patient. I would agree a date and a plan and ask who what to come. Pick something not only for little kids like the zoo and then she either comes or she doesn't. Alternative is nothing gets organised at all.

It's going to be almost impossible to find a suitable day out for 3yos and 15yos.
The only things I could think of would be a zoo or a beach.

I'd go with 3 options,
Go karts
Local farm park
Legoland.

Or similar everyone gets one vote. And see where you go from there. And use that MN term it's an invite, not a summons.

Sorry I meant “why did you ask her?”

Start with a poll on what to do and then once you have a consensus agree a date ?

She sounds a bloody nightmare. You can't cater a group trip around one person's tastes. Beyond selfish and entitled. She really wants a group of 5 year olds to go to an activity aimed at older teens?! They can't do go karts 😂. What does she want them to do, all sit around watching him do laps?
I really feel for the 15 year old. Who would want to drag along with a group of mums and little children being an unpaid babysitter. I'd have been absolutely horrified. I was barely home during the holidays at his age.
Pick an activity and let her decide if she wants to join in or sulk at home.

Honestly, she’s a dick.

Just do a group message :

“Right, majority can make XX date, for XX venue/activity so lets go with that. Apologies to those who can’t make it, feel free to arrange something else”.

I think you're getting too involved and it was a mistake to be the one to deliver the bad news. Now all the aggro will be aimed at you. It's not your responsibility to make this day happen, it really isn't.

I would say "looks like finding something to suit everyone is getting tricky. We are booking to go to X place on Y day. Would love it if others could join, let me know and I can add you to the booking 😉 "

OR

Say nothing at all. Let it fizzle out. And message your favourite people separately.

Ohhhhh right it's an making sense now - between suggesting places close to her and insisting her free but reluctant babysitter attends it's clear she's a selfish twit. I would NOT be catering to her demands 😂 that being said, surely she can't keep this up more than 1-2 more years?

You probably need to think about how much a friend ship with her and/or others in the group is worth to you before pressing any nuclear buttons though.

I agree with this.
If she won't offer up any kind of sensible and balanced suggestions, I'd call it a day.

What does your friend (her partner) say?

@Saladleaves17 I’d suggest you all do what you want with the majority. She can go go karting with her favourite child.

poor dad can come with you lot and bring the toddler if he’s allowed to have time with his child away from her and step son.

she sounds like the toddler is an unwanted accessory. :( what does your friend seem to think of the situation or does he not get involved?

So out of 12 kids /families, does nobody have an older child apart from this couple? Everyone else's toddlers are eldest/only children? Bit unusual!

Can't she take her 15yr old go karting and the dad bring the toddler to your day out?
She sounds like someone I would actively try to avoid tbh, stop inviting her.

That all sounds exhausting and she sounds like a selfish pain in the backside.

12 toddlers and 1 teen and she really expects everyone to prioritise him? It sounds like you’ve pandered to her for far too long so she thinks she calls the shots. Stop asking her for suggestions and just book something suitable for all the young children. They either attend or they don’t.

Not really unusual.
I'm reading it as teen was the baby of a very young mum and the mum is now 30ish so at the age when friends start to have families.

Absolutely nothing. He’s a complete wet lettuce always has been and she definitely rules the roost. We’ve been friends since school so I know him very well to make that determination.

No, she had him as an accidental pregnancy in her early 20s and was a single mum for years. She met my friend on a dating site when her son was about 9 ish, by that point some of our friendship group had just started to have kids and have continued to do so ever since as we’ve all settled down so we all have young kids. She also had another kid with my friend, which is why there is such a big age gap.

At 15, as long as they are sensible kids, it doesn't feel like 'looking after' them. If either of DDs take a friend anywhere (DD2 is 14) it isn't a chore at all. Of course we make sure they are safe, but they don't have to be within eye sight all the time etc.

To be honest I do try to avoid as much as I can, she’s not my type of person but she makes my friend happy so I always try my best to include her and make her and her son feel welcome. It’s one of those situations where if I don’t invite her, then my friend won’t come and we all want to see him as we’ve known each other from school.

What you’ve suggested is a sensible option but won’t happen

He doesn’t get involved.

I agree with you about the toddler. Would have been a different story entirely if she was a boy. The mum only wanted a boy so when she came out a girl she wasn’t happy. I thought she had PND to begin with but her little girl is 3 now and she doesn’t have anything nice to say about her - not that I’ve ever heard anyway. Also going on about how much of a pain she is and how boys are so much easier than girls etc. The poor kid spends her weekends watching her older brother play football and do karate. It’s why I really wanted her to come out with us as it’s the only opportunity she gets to spend fun time with kids her own age!

Op the Dad of the toddler needs to step up here. But unfortunately there is nothing you can do if he doesn't.

Given he's your friend, I'd be half tempted to have a chat with him make him realise the dragging the toddler to all the older brothers things isn't good.

But this phase of the siblings life won't last for ever either.

Gosh @Saladleaves17 that last update is so sad, poor girl.

You just went and DID IT AGAIN! You asked her!! Stop.
next post ‘ok all we have 7 5 year olds and they all need to be entertained. Here are 3 options, ive put a poll up and will meet whoever’s around at the top pick, let’s pick one and get this in the calendar or we will all have teenagers. Others can try again for arranging something next time. Sandra, we cannot think of a place that will suit all the five year olds and a teenager. The toddler will be fine, we always just went with places that worked for your son while we had toddlers, now though they need entertaining.’

I think your instincts to just not entertain it anymore is spot on.

A poll is defo your friend, if the group chat is on Whatsapp. Give 3 or 4 options, including the most popular for the young ones, as well as bloody go karting, and go with the one with most votes.

She can't argue against that without looking like an entitled twatbag.

Hopefully she'll get the hump and decide to stay home.