To ask a friend for her 15yo to stay at home?

[Saladleaves17]

Every year my friendship group does an annual day out to somewhere a bit more fun/expensive than your usual day out. All the kids (12) are currently under 5 apart from my friends SS who is now 15. It was working well up until a couple of years ago when my friends SS turned 13 and understandably lost interest in playing with toddlers including his younger sister.

We’ve always done things more aimed towards the 15yo as the others were too young to really care about what they were doing but the last two years, the 15yo has spent the day walking round behind the group, on his phone, not wanting to socialise with any of the kids or adults. I don’t blame him, he’s a teenager, but it was obvious he didn’t really want to be there and would rather be with his friends or girlfriend than all of us.

This year, as the younger kids are getting older we suggested going somewhere that was more aimed towards that age range as they make up most of the group. Mum is still insistent on bringing the 15yo and is making it impossible to arrange anything, as everything that is suggested she turns down as it’s too young for her teenager and he would be bored.

I completely understand she wants to include him but as the years go on, I also get the impression she only really wants him at places to babysit his younger sister so she can spend the day chatting. She is always talking about how much hard work and how annoying her toddler is and when ever we see them throughout the year it’s always the 15yo doing most of the parenting. In my opinion the poor kid is being dragged around to act as babysitter for his little sister when his parents cba. We are then taking a group of 12 toddlers to places they don’t or can’t enjoy because they are too small to cater for the 15 year old - who then spends the whole day miserable and not wanting to socialise with anyone. It just seems like a waste of money for the majority of the group as we are only going to these places for the 15yo who then doesn’t enjoy himself anyway.

After her declining suggestions from several people in our friendship group, I suggested to his mum that maybe he would prefer to go out with his friends/girlfriend/other family members for the day instead of coming out with us this year and she went absolutely mad about it and is taking it very personally. I heard the whole ‘you’re only saying that because he was my child first’ basically referring to the fact he is a SS, which is just ridiculous considering we have all always bent over backwards to include him in everything from day 1 (which was several years ago).

Now I’m sitting here second guessing myself, was I being unreasonable to suggest he might prefer to stay with friends this year?

What about Kew Gardens? Not too far from Legoland, so I’m guessing might work for you. If the teenager is into gardening, there’s loads of stuff he’d be interested in - workshops, amazing shop, kitchen garden etc. And equally, there’s lots to do for the kids - treetop walkway, little train, play parks etc.

I'd forget about this whole thing. It's only going to get harder and harder

I was going to say Legoland is a suggestion that caters to all but I see he doesn’t like rides. She is being unreasonable- you are arranging an activity for 12 5 year olds. She should leave him at home or get him to bring a friend the same age.

Well i have a nephew who is 15 and the cousins including my child are around 5 or 6. Nephew either comes and gets in with it or doesn't. There is not really a day out that a 15 year old would want to do with a 5 year old that they can all enjoy to the same extent. So she is being unreasonable.
5 year olds will mostly enjoy something with lots of active play and things to climb on, which is just not something a 15 year old would want to do.

She is seemingly being unreasonable but perhaps there is some reason she can't leave him at home that you're not aware of. Takng a friend seems the obvious thing - 15 year olds don't need minute by minute supervision, but that is up to her.

You won't win any prizes for having pointed it out, though - I suspect no one else in the group will stick their neck out to back you up either. But set out clear plans, maybe with one alternative (though that may split the group - IME people like to be told what to do rather than be given too many choices!!)

Honestly she sounds like an absolute PITA who expects everyone else to please her when she can't even please herself.

I'd send a message along the lines of-

Hey everyone, it doesn't seem like we're going to get a one size fits all outing this year, so I'm going to go ahead and book Legoland on X date for anyone who wants to join? Will probably be easier to split off into different days out for different needs this year, then maybe we can all meet up together for a meal at the end of summer to catch up x

I’m not really sure to be honest. I was quite open to her suggestions at first as she obviously has both a teen and a toddler so thought she might have really good ideas that would cater, but she didn’t have any. I am well and truly fed up now which is why I’ve come on here before I say anything else.

I just feel sorry for her toddler because she is basically going to allow her to miss out because she is being stubborn about a 15 year old that doesn’t want to be there in the first place.

I will definitely suggest it but I would imagine it will be turned down by most as it’s in London. Legoland was a stretch of a suggestion by the person who made it to begin with. I’m more than happy to travel to go somewhere fun but most of the group prefer to stay within 45 mins - 1 hour of home, which does limit the amount of places we can go in the first place.

I would create a poll on what's app with 3 suggestions - 1 suitable for older SS then say that the one with most votes is what's happening.

Message back saying if there’s no more suggestions let’s go here (insert toddler friendly place) and we’ll pick somewhere different for next time. Who is in?

“Oh - if Ben wants to come then that would be great. Be nice to see him. Right - there doesn’t seem to be a perfect answer so please vote for your favourites in the poll below. You can vote for as many or few as you like. If it is really close between the top two I’ll do a vote to split between them. Voting closes on Wednesday to stop it dragging out.”

And then put all the various ideas up.

I’m getting to that point I have to say. I’ve started up the conversation again tonight to say that we need to start making a decision about what we are going to do and asked her if she has any suggestions to cater for everyone, also suggested he might like to bring a friend and also asked her to ask him what he would like to do to see if we can find something suitable for everyone. So far she has come back with ‘asked him, and he suggested go karts’. So I said ‘well obviously that’s not something we can do with 12 under 5s so can he maybe think of something else, or do you have any suggestions?’

We shall see what she replies.

@ThejoyofNC if we don’t get a decision made tonight, I’m going to do this. My husband already said to forget about it and go somewhere by ourselves as he has always thought she was overly awkward with everything. A meal out might be nicer, easier thing to do to be honest!

Hubby thinks the go kart suggestion she just made (previous post) was taking the absolute piss so he is quite happy to ditch, and I’m now feeling the same way!

Go karts 🤣🤣🤣 is she on another planet?!

@londongirl12 honestly I’m about to loose it with her.

Shes either being a complete dick or has seen this thread and is trying to take the piss!

None of these places are worth going to with a bunch of big and little kids. Go to the nearest beach with an amazing picnic.

sounds like she’s on the wind up now op!

I'd put it back on her - ask her to suggest something that all the children can enjoy? If she's unable to come up with something suitable, put up a few suggestions and put it to a vote & say you'll go with the majority.

Any decent swimming places near by that have kiddies pools as well as bigger slides then go out for a meal?

Otherwise I’d give up and go with your plans to say your are doing X if anyone else wants to join you.

Just set a poll with options in your what’s app group and then go with the most popular x

Depends how friendly you are with her I suppose

I would just text my friend
’ oh don’t be so mean taking the teenager to the soft play 🤣 let him go out with his mates you meany “

Agree with others. Put a few options up on a poll, see if anyone has other suggestions and add to it. Then everyone vote and you go with the majority. You can’t please everyone!

Stop asking her and just make the decision yourself. Say this is where you’re going as it suits the majority. If she doesn’t want to come then so be it.

Put karting on the poll list. With the price, minimum age / height and supervision requirements.

Then put something suitable for families that include young children.

Realistically, if he’s getting dragged along - he needs bribery.

(maybe also worth messaging his dad direct if he’s the one you’ve known a long time. Along the lines of really not wanting to cause offence, but not finding any realistic ideas as 15yr old attractive and toddler compatible don’t seem to overlap. What would his ‘least bad’ be).

Depending where you’re based could
you suggest somewhere like Alton Towers and that 15yo brings a friend or girlfriend then they can go off on their own to the big rides whilst you take the younger ones to CBeebies land and just meet up with him for lunch. I feel like it would be pretty much impossible to find somewhere that would cater to a 15yo and 5 yos….maybe a trip to the coast (beach/amusements/fish and chips) but 15yo probably wouldn’t be all that bothered about that either.