Crashed a wedding brunch with son. Evicted by Sister-in-law

[Weddingbrunchcrasher]

Partner’s sister got married on Saturday. Partner asked if my 8 year old could come but was told no.

She only wanted her other brother’s daughter as a bridesmaid. Her other brother’s three stepchildren were not invited, the youngest of whom is thirteen.

I then asked her directly if I could bring him in the evening, she said that she wasn’t having an evening do but the invitation clearly went into the evening, what she said was she meant a separate evening do. No extra guests were coming in the evening.

Ex wasn’t available to look after son but he had a sleepover with a friend but they were heading off at 9:00 in the morning so I had to leave hotel to collect my son. Partner didn’t have a separate car and it didn’t occur to me that it would be a problem to head back to hotel with my son for the brunch they had arranged.

Again just did not occur to me that it would be a problem.

So we arrive and queue to get into breakfast area where I assumed brunch was but it was in a separate room and only my name was down they refused to allow my son in. I refused to leave him to go into brunch to ask if he could come in.

Partner had left phone so finally the brunch spilled out to the lawn and we joined them. We were both starving so I went to get plates. His sister came over to my son and essentially asked him to leave, sort of gently by asking him to go out on lawn with my partner. Partner left with us and we had breakfast in the pubic bit.

I actually started to cry over breakfast, then my son did. I am ashamed of myself for this.

I get I was unreasonable over wedding but the Brunch surely I wasn’t. Did I make too many assumptions?

Bride and groom have met my son. We have lived together for a year.

Partner is a bit shocked but obviously it was their actual wedding.

You were unreasonable to take him after being old no. Massive overstep. Your child isn’t the centre of everyone’s world outside of your own

My first comment was before I read more of the thread so I misunderstood this was the morning after and not the food straight after the wedding. However, let’s be honest OP you knew full well what you were doing despite your woah is me attitude. Bride told you several times before the wedding your child wasn’t invited, so you arranged for a sleepover for him (fine) knowing full well you had to pick him up early in the morning before the brunch started. - I’m presuming this would have been prearranged considering guests were staying at the hotel and not a spare of the moment thing?!

That means you planned to purposely pick your son up and take him back to the hotel to get a free meal knowing that he wasn’t invited, and either didn’t ask your SIL at all if he could come in advance (why wouldn’t you if she was so adamant he wasn’t invited to anything else?), or what is probably more likely, that you had asked her before and she told you no. To which you thought sod that and took him anyway. Then after being refused access, you had the audacity to literally sneak back into the private function room to take 2 plates with the intention of feeding you and your son. It’s so unbelievably rude. Is this even a real situation?

Why didn’t you just thank the bride and groom for a lovely day/stay at the hotel, and explain you had to pick your son up from his friends so couldn’t attend the brunch. If it were me and you had done that I probably would have told you to bring him back and get some food. The fact you didn’t even ask and she followed through with kicking you out says to me this wasn’t the first time she feels you have been disrespectful to her.

Well to be honest it was

• OP asked to bring him - was told no
• OP tried to take him into the brunch - was stopped at the door - told not on the list so no
• OP then entered through the garden - got some plates to go to the buffet and then the bride told her no

You might need to think about it for when you tender your apology as she may well ask.

YABU completely and I am someone that thinks it’s a shame that people have child free weddings. You have probably messed up your relationship with the bride forever and a day.

I think if you’re honest with yourself, your thought process was that you didn’t like being told “no” by the staff the first time, didn’t think it should apply to you and your son, and were banking on your boyfriend’s sister and her husband feeling too awkward to come and actually tell you themselves again. Unfortunately, you banked wrong.

Did you feel the wedding was over and the brunch was a nice thing the next day not an actual part of the wedding?

I think a lot of people are assuming it was the actual wedding reception you tried to gatecrash.

I think it would have been a reasonable expectation that brunch the next day was going to be a more casual and open affair but it would have been best to double check before you went to get your child, then you could have offered to pay for his place. Or made alternative choices if the answer was still no.

You should probably send an apology to the bride for the sake of family relations.

And I wouldn't use the phrase 'I didn't think the brunch mattered'. It did to her, it was part of her wedding.

You remind me of one of those people who, told the COVID lockdown rules, did everything they could to find a loophole to suit their purposes. Your SIL didn’t want your son there and said so. You ignored that.

Whilst I don't agree with child free weddings in principle, I respect the fact that it's up to the bride and groom to chose what they want for their wedding, and it's up to guests to decide if it works for them or not.

You are massively unreasonable to take your child to the wedding despite the fact that both you and your DP had asked and the answer was no both times. In this situation you should have declined to attend rather than go ahead with your child anyway. This is all on you.

I will be intrigued to see why 5% have voted that OP is reasonable, probably mistake.

She either shouldn’t have taken her son, or left when she was told yet again that he wasn’t invited. Or, not liking that her son wasn’t invited at all, she could have declined the invitation in the first place.

The bride and groom did nothing wrong here. They weren’t obliged to invite OP’s son, and they didn’t have to suck up OP bringing him anyway. Giving in to people that ignore when you say ‘no’ for the sake of perceived social niceties only gives them permission to continue doing so. Fuck that.

OP is embarrassed as the result of her own actions.

It’s probably because you were basing it on your own nature and wouldn't have had an issue with it at your wedding, the next day. It’s not always easy to understand things from someone else’s very different approach to things. It wouldn’t have bothered me at all, it would have been a non situation (but then I would never have not invited your son under the same circumstances, especially as you have been with her brother for three years). Personally I don’t think sil sounds very nice.

It was unreasonable because his name wasn’t on the list, he wasn’t invited.

Um that isn't what happened.

Youve lived with her brother for a year, why would she see your son as family? It’s very early days and even if it wasn’t she’s within her right to invite who she wants to her wedding without an explanation.

If I were you I would be getting in touch asap with a huge apology. You were told no before the event, told no at the event and still went ahead with what you wanted to do.

You could have easily have left to pick up your son and come back later for your partner rather than being entitled and gatecrashing.

Just because your child is the centre of your world doesn’t mean that’s the same for everyone else around you. I would be extremely cross at you if I was the bride. If you want to repair this, work quickly.

Did you know there was a brunch being out on as part of the 'after wedding'?

I would have declined the brunch invite in advance. To me, this would have shown her that you are respecting her wishes not to have DS there and also being considerate about numbers at the brunch. It also would give her an opening to say 'why don't you bring DS along'- although, I wouldn't expect this.

You should always seek permission to bring someone else along- never just turn up. But, imo, if someone screws up on this unwritten rule, then the polite thing to do from the host would be just to relent and include. Bear in mind, there may be cost implications or other issues with your son being present (eg certain children not being invited and setting a precedent).

It’s interesting that the people who are as outraged as op are also the ones using derogatory names about sil….

At brunch? Hardly.

Nice choice of word there. Disgraceful.

But when you've literally been stopped at the door and been told you are not on the guest list - I don't understand the thinking to sneak in through the back - it sounds CF

It’s ok for kids to see you cry in the right circumstances. It’s a healthy emotion. But not in this situation; all you did was upset your child more. He cried because he saw you crying and your reaction upset him. He could have been totally protected from this. You said she was kind when she asked him to go out to your partner on the lawn, and you guys could have easily played that off quite easily and told him you’d said hello so it was time to go get breakfast, then taken him to the public restaurant and had your breakfast together there. You shouldn’t have involved him in the crying and bad feeling and upset him.

In a recession as well……..diabolical………