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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a stroppy princess?

281 replies

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 08:39

I’m very happy to be told IABU…

I went through a divorce 4 years ago. Following divorce, I sold my large 5bed family home (very sad) downsized and bought a small new build on my own (with my children). It’s lovely, just on the small side.

Since then, I have climbed the career ladder and I earn very very well. I can afford the mortgage easily now and things are comfortable.

My partner (of 3 years) moved in with me, 18 months ago to my house and sold his. He pays a good contribution towards bills etc (I have no complaints on this, he’s very lovely, generous, buys food etc)

We are all blissfully living happily together. However I do feel a bit squashed in here and have the desire to move in 2-3 years, pool our finances and buy something together. (He also has a son, so there are 5 of us living together in this small new build house)

It’s a nice house, but it feels very busy and gets messy quickly with 3 children.

Partner has no desire to move house. But I feel disappointed that 5 years ago I was living in a very comfortable 5 bedroom with lots of space and garden and now I feel so squashed into a 3 bed new build.

We could get a joined mortgage and easily afford something bigger. But he says he doesn’t want to move again and it’s comfortable here.
I feel like I am being a bit of a princess… This house size wise was fine with myself and two kids. But now there are 5 of us… it fees claustrophobic.

AIBU to say that we need to consider moving. Not urgently, but in the next couple of years at least?

Am I being a stroppy princess?
Perhaps he just doesn’t see a future with me so doesn’t want to tie himself in? (I don’t think this is the case…)

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 14/04/2025 12:41

I agree that he's enjoying being free of commitments and responsibilities.

By him moving in and selling his house he has NOT made a commitment, and it seems that he isn't keen o changing that. As long as you're ok with that...

justteanbiscuits · 14/04/2025 12:41

We prioritised financial stability and a small as possible mortgage over a big house, but I do know what you mean about feeling cramped in a small house.

I also desperately want to move in a couple of years (but different area rather than for house size) and husband isn't bothered and it frustrates me SO much!

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 14/04/2025 12:45

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 10:16

He honestly isn’t a “cocklodger” or “freeloader”. He’s a very good man.

I understand it’s a fairly new (3 year) relationship and as I very well know, people can deceive you and turn nasty (hello ex husband). I am not naive.

But I am looking to my mid term future plans over the next 5 years. And although it’s been ok, I feel like why should we be all hemmed in here when I work very hard and earn well.

I will look into the possibility of buying something larger myself, yes. I think this is a good suggestion. If he isn’t keep to get Involved then maybe that will highlight his long term priorities and it will be an eye opener. However I don’t see this being an issue.

(Not particularly relevant but he does have a relative high paying job too…)

I wouldn’t be buying a bigger house with only myself on the mortgage and letting him have the same arrangement he has now. I think you need to have a frank conversation about your future, if he envisages it as long term then he needs to commit to you financially, otherwise he is just taking the piss.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 14/04/2025 12:47

BodenCardiganNot · 14/04/2025 10:20

I feel sorry for the 3 children in this situation.
Blended really means mangled.

Disgusting, unnecessary comment

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 14/04/2025 12:48

I have no useful advice but I just want to say I don’t think you’re a princess at all, I’m in the same situation with my partner - I want to move, he’s happy where we are.

I have a couple years to think if I’m willing to compromise on this. We live in a very good area, fair enough, but just… boring.

ConnieSlow · 14/04/2025 12:51

But how are you doing best for your kids?

they have been through a divorce, restart homes, have become comfortable and now have to squeeze and forced to accept a man and his kid in their space. I can’t see how this benefits them in any way, except for you?

why upsize homes if you really don’t need to? I would rather save and invest for my kids than a man.

MzHz · 14/04/2025 12:52

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 09:04

He pays a good and fair contribution. Thats not the issue at all.

But you are right. Maybe I should consider upsizing and purchasing larger something myself. I just would prefer if it could be a joint purchase and something we both want and love and see our future in together (and also that would also afford us more borrowing power for a better/larger property if both of us are on the mortgage)

Show quote history

have you not learned your lesson from the last divorce?

If you want a bigger house, you buy one - but don't involve him in it and don't marry him unless he has out in the exact same as you have and you can afford to divvy it up 50/50 again.

Scrapper142 · 14/04/2025 12:57

Three years is still a relatively new relationship, especially to already be living together, in this scenario. Two people without commitments, three years in, living together makes sense. But when you both have jobs/kids, then you really don't have time to form that bond as you can't be each others priority.

My mum did the same as you. Divorced, new partner was living with us in the new house quite quickly. Please don't do what she did, married him, then divorced. She is now is her 60s still paying a mortgage and working FT, when if she'd stayed single she be in a much better financial position. We've talked about it since, she was lonely (especially when we were at our dad's) and wanted that family life that she'd lost in the divorce. I wish she could have taken a few years being single (dealing with divorce emotions) rather than rushing into another committed relationship/co-habiting and built a unit just the three of us.

What's his long-term plan? You must have had conversations about the future. If you don't know what his plans are then one of two things is true, he hasn't got one or he's not telling you. It's likely the second and you're either not included, or easily replacea
ble.

FiveBarGate · 14/04/2025 12:58

I don't think either of you are necessarily wrong here.

The fact he sold up and moved in with you, giving up the security of his own home, perhaps suggests that paying for that home and presumably maintenance for his son may have stretched his finances too thin? If he was comfortable I can't see why he'd have sold (perhaps rented it out but not sold).

But selling his property to make everyone's life easier from a financial position at least does make sense.

Since then it sounds like your earning power has gone up but has his? If not then he probably has worries about being back in a position where finances feel stretched, even if he was managing.

If that's the case, it does tend to lead to financial caution.

Although currently he's the one in the least secure position in that he's stepped off the housing ladder and you could decide at any point to ask him to leave. I'm surprised he's happy with this but wondering if there are other factors at play?

He perhaps is simply comfortable and happy, I don't think there needs to be sinister motives attached to this.

In your position I'd only want to move to something I could afford on my own. Not as a reflection of your relationship or because he's a cock lodger but just because blended families are more complicated and relationships are hard even without this. Having got yourself to independent financial security, I wouldn't risk it.

Firefly100 · 14/04/2025 13:00

Hi OP,
I don’t think you are a spoiled princess at all, we all have different wants in life. You are reasonable to want a larger place, he is reasonable for liking where he lives now.
However, if you are not satisfied, you have the power to change it. Either buy a larger property on you own and tell him you are moving. Or as previous posters have said. You say after living like this for some time, you are not happy to be squashed in the smaller property and ask him to move out - no reason why you cannot still be a couple. At the moment the situation is exactly as he wants so why would we agree to change? Maybe if you take that off the table alternatives will look more attractive.
Personally in you position, if I could afford to, I would choose to buy alone. Just because you never know what might happen in the future.
Also, I don’t know your living situation but I find it interesting that one of your issues is the amount of tidying required in a smaller property (which I completely understand). Are you doing the larger share of domestic tasks so this is more of a problem for you than him? If so, again, fix it and the status quo might not look so cosy.

Momtotwokids · 14/04/2025 13:00

Why do so many of you hate men. She isn't asking if she should stay with him just should she buy a bigger house. He pays also but that isn't enough.

Dogstar78 · 14/04/2025 13:05

When ask him about his hopes and dreams for the future, what does he say? Do you align? If not, it sounds like you are a convenient stop gap for him.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 14/04/2025 13:05

Momtotwokids · 14/04/2025 13:00

Why do so many of you hate men. She isn't asking if she should stay with him just should she buy a bigger house. He pays also but that isn't enough.

I think a lot of us have good reason to but in this case he lives in her house and she wants to move but he's saying no. He has no power here, it's not his house he is living in, but he seems to think he does and that his opinion is worth more than OPs who is the actual owner of the house.

Humpsr · 14/04/2025 13:16

Why shouldn't people feel sorry for the children involved.
One parent feels claustrophobic in her house because its so packed.
The other is too lazy to move because he's comfortable and lives rent free.

Not hard to understand why he doesn't want to move.

Neither of them care about the three children jammed in there.

The OP's children came from a spacious 5 bed.
Bof course things can change, and do.
But a tiny claustrophobic house with two males added in quickly, was certainly not in the children's interests.

Of course he is lovely and charming....he's living off her.

So yea, definitely poor kids situation.

ManyATrueWord · 14/04/2025 13:19

Sounds like you are starting to realise that he is mooching off you, failing to invest in property and not taking the responsibility for housing his offspring, and definitely not planning a future with you. Well done for waking up. If you don't want to stay like this forever then that's absolutely fine. You lose your space and freedom by adding others into the house.

Drowninginprobate · 14/04/2025 13:24

Move op. But don’t include him and safeguard your investment if you want to take him with you.

Headabovetheparapets · 14/04/2025 13:25

Could it be rather than lack of commitment, it’s just a bit of laziness.
Having gone through selling a property & moving house to be with you in the last 2 years he doesn’t fancy the upheaval of moving again?
would a conversation explaining time frames & understanding each others points of view.
Alternatively if he just wants to settle for 5he easy option & you don’t, consider purchasing your own larger property & agreeing an acceptable ‘rent’ contribution for him & his son.

CautiousLurker01 · 14/04/2025 13:30

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 09:01

Perhaps it is the financial burden of homeownership that he doesn’t want. That’s a good way to put it.

Please don’t get me wrong. We have a very good relationship and I am not bitter in anyway.

Just a little frustrated that he doesn’t seem to have the same aspirations as me in terms of housing.

Like I mentioned before, I wouldn’t be wanting to move imminently. But if we are to stay together for the rest of our lives… I want to do it in a more comfortable space…

As others say… of course he doesn’t want to buy a place/pay a mortgage of his own. Living at yours, sharing bills, is a hell of a lot cheaper than even living on his own with his child, whether renting or with a mortgage.

In MN terms you have a ‘cocklodger’. Two in fact and your poor kids are being denied rooms of their own by one of them. Madness.

YourWildAmberSloth · 14/04/2025 13:40

Either he agrees to buying a bigger house together, or partner and son move out. That doesn't mean that you have to separate/end the relationship, it just means that you prioritise your daughters comfort. It's not just bedrooms that you have to consider, it's also the living space which is probably now too small - fine for 3 related females, but add 2 unrelated males and it becomes more difficult to squash up, share bathrooms etc.

Mistyglade · 14/04/2025 13:40

I noticed you said he earns a very good wage which means he’s coining it in this current situation. I know some pp have come across a little harshly but that’s because we have a combined shedload of experience. My mother was so desperate for a man she consecutively moved 2 of them in, promptly upscaled because he wanted a place that felt ‘new to their’ fairytale romance rather than her old memories, got his name on the mortgage and within months she was fucked over and had to buy the bastards out so they swanned off with half her homes value. She’s a foolish woman who would not listen which absolutely is not a comparison to OP but it’s left me with a lot of cynicism. A ‘very good man’ doesn’t always stay one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2025 13:53

Are you 100% positive about all the facts your dp has told you? He may be a high earner or he could be covering up the fact he isn’t earning as much as he’s making out. Houses can be rented. Cars leased.

Fioratourer · 14/04/2025 14:19

I’m not sure I would want to buy a house with him. But I’m not sure I would have let him move in without enough bedrooms either. If you buy together your money becomes entangled with his. I would be wary of protecting the children’s inheritance. I think you could rent out your home and rent somewhere together?

Thisismetooaswell · 14/04/2025 14:20

I would be wanting to move now. If the house is cramped move to make yourself more comfortable

stardust777 · 14/04/2025 14:30

Buying, selling and moving home can be such a huge upheaval. If you are thinking of going it alone again with your children, I'd speak with DP now to let him know what you're thinking, and the timeline you're hoping for.

PeachBlossom1234 · 14/04/2025 14:40

If you want a bigger house buy it yourself. I’m in a similar position and I’ll carry on with my plans alone, I’m not putting my life on hold because of a man - did that before and never again!