Am I being a stroppy princess?

[Namechangeprofessional]

I’m very happy to be told IABU…

I went through a divorce 4 years ago. Following divorce, I sold my large 5bed family home (very sad) downsized and bought a small new build on my own (with my children). It’s lovely, just on the small side.

Since then, I have climbed the career ladder and I earn very very well. I can afford the mortgage easily now and things are comfortable.

My partner (of 3 years) moved in with me, 18 months ago to my house and sold his. He pays a good contribution towards bills etc (I have no complaints on this, he’s very lovely, generous, buys food etc)

We are all blissfully living happily together. However I do feel a bit squashed in here and have the desire to move in 2-3 years, pool our finances and buy something together. (He also has a son, so there are 5 of us living together in this small new build house)

It’s a nice house, but it feels very busy and gets messy quickly with 3 children.

Partner has no desire to move house. But I feel disappointed that 5 years ago I was living in a very comfortable 5 bedroom with lots of space and garden and now I feel so squashed into a 3 bed new build.

We could get a joined mortgage and easily afford something bigger. But he says he doesn’t want to move again and it’s comfortable here.
I feel like I am being a bit of a princess… This house size wise was fine with myself and two kids. But now there are 5 of us… it fees claustrophobic.

AIBU to say that we need to consider moving. Not urgently, but in the next couple of years at least?

Am I being a stroppy princess?
Perhaps he just doesn’t see a future with me so doesn’t want to tie himself in? (I don’t think this is the case…)

?
Your daughters' home? It's your home primarily.

It’s very clear he likes the deal he has now at the expense of you and your kids and even his son who can’t go on living in a box room forever.

It’s win win for him. Either you stay put in which case he gets a cut price roof over his head, or you buy the bigger house alone as he refuses to engage and he gets an even bigger house without any financial commitment.

You don’t mention him paying rent or mortgage so I assume he’s just paying bills. Of course he treats you you’re saving him loads of money.

I would question the motives and maturity of a man who won’t take on a mortgage to house his partner and kids properly.

No? I may have bought it but it is very much their home. Their safe place.

This. Sorry OP but your DP doesn't seem to be so decent because otherwise wouldn't he want his son to have a proper bedroom (since he's in the financial position to offer this)? And if he's not willing to invest with you in a bigger house I think he's not as invested in your relationship as you presume he is.

Well yes, but as the adult you make choices and some mums are quite happy to have their partner living in their house, rather than the other way round.

I wonder how he would react if you suggested staying in a relationship, but living separately. It might focus his mind a bit when he realises he needs to house himself and his child.

He's got a setup that he likes. But it doesn't work for you. When you bought the house, it was suitable for the current size of your family. That has changed.

He's kind of hoping that if YOU want to move, you'll fund it yourself, and he'll come to - because he 'doesn't want to move'. But if you present it that he'll have to move (and pay for it) anyway, he may reconsider.

I don't think anyone is telling her she's stupid. It's concern that she's being taken advantage of. There is a reason it's called the feminisation of poverty, and it's because men inevitably have a negative financial effect on us!

It's one of two things-

He's not 'into' houses and genuinely can't see why the current one isn't enough. Different aspirations.

He's not sure about the relationship and doesn't want to commit to buying together because it would mean selling up/buying out if they split up. And meanwhile the equity from his house sale is doing nicely.

So he gets a bigger home with none of the effort and the input?

No. Read the post. He'd have to start paying rent.

There has been some really helpful advice (and some wanky presumptive comments 😂 )

I think the thread has been derailed a little.

It’s been really helpful though, so thank you all for your replies. Some have been brilliant.

Neither of you is being unreasonable. But if it is an issue for you and because you are so happy in other ways, I’d suggest you sign up for counselling to go through this all. Don’t sweep it under the carpet or set ultimatums.
He may be scarred by his divorce - in a different way to you - and not have figured out why / what. But if you sideline this difference it will carry to eat away.

He's actually more vulnerable as he and his son can be turfed out anytime. With house buying inflation his pot of money won't get him as much as he thinks now if he was to leave. He's as trapped as she is. Both should pool resources and move on together.

Ignore the mean comments, some people are weird and like to create drama where there isn't any. What age are you daughter's, once they hit tweens/ teens they will likely want their own space.... And that may well benefit everyone's sanity . Is his son there all the time or an eow situation?

so what's your plan now?

In your shoes I would continue the thought/plan to get something bigger. Enjoy the next couple of years and then have another conversation about buying bigger. Interest rates hopefully will improve.

What happened with his property from before you got together?

Can you afford to upside on your salary alone? If so do it. He wants to carry on as he is, you don't. You do what suits you.

(I’d be surprised he would sell his house and move his son in though if he didn’t see it being a long term thing)

I'm not all surprised as this is a very sweet deal. A home, a wife figure, and the safety net of the proceeds of his house sale if it all goes to shit.

The surprise should be him not wanting to buy with you as that's the real long term commitment.

All the children have their own rooms, hardly deprived. Having to share a bathroom, a fairly usual set up, we don't even know their ages or if the son lives there full time.

I think you need to give it a bit longer OP.

Why are you so quick to excuse him, praise him, and deprecate yourself? Who accuses you of being a stroppy princess because you would like to raise your living standard and have a bigger house?

Is it the bf who covertly puts you down? Does he play the part of the generous but unmaterialistic type while benefitting from your hard work and avoiding responsibility?

You are bearing all the risk of home ownership (though you also keep the rewards of the asset if it appreciates) and he is just kipping with you and investing his money elsewhere.

This is highly problematic for you and your children as there is not enough space and the space situation will only get worse over time.

If he were serious about a future you both would be planning marriage and a bigger home. You are missing “right now” for him not “miss right” so he doesn’t think like this.

That money he got from selling his property… where is it

I was going to ask that aswell, I presume he is investing it somewhere else?

Also could he have a claim on your house if you broke up?

So is he just paying a proportion of the bills while you pay all the mortgage (if you have one) ?

His son being in a tiny box room, is he just there part time and lives with his mum the rest of the time?

Mumsnet can be brutal as I'm sure you know OP and if your relationship is going well then living together is only a natural step. But be savvy and protect your hard earned assets, that's all.

The thing is that you say he's contributing fairly, but it seems obvious that he's got a sweet deal. So he doesn't want to pay more.

Frankly, you wanting a house that is actually fit for purpose is perfectly reasonable. and it's concerning that he doesn't feel the same.

could you afford to extend the house instead, if there is outside space?