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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a stroppy princess?

281 replies

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 08:39

I’m very happy to be told IABU…

I went through a divorce 4 years ago. Following divorce, I sold my large 5bed family home (very sad) downsized and bought a small new build on my own (with my children). It’s lovely, just on the small side.

Since then, I have climbed the career ladder and I earn very very well. I can afford the mortgage easily now and things are comfortable.

My partner (of 3 years) moved in with me, 18 months ago to my house and sold his. He pays a good contribution towards bills etc (I have no complaints on this, he’s very lovely, generous, buys food etc)

We are all blissfully living happily together. However I do feel a bit squashed in here and have the desire to move in 2-3 years, pool our finances and buy something together. (He also has a son, so there are 5 of us living together in this small new build house)

It’s a nice house, but it feels very busy and gets messy quickly with 3 children.

Partner has no desire to move house. But I feel disappointed that 5 years ago I was living in a very comfortable 5 bedroom with lots of space and garden and now I feel so squashed into a 3 bed new build.

We could get a joined mortgage and easily afford something bigger. But he says he doesn’t want to move again and it’s comfortable here.
I feel like I am being a bit of a princess… This house size wise was fine with myself and two kids. But now there are 5 of us… it fees claustrophobic.

AIBU to say that we need to consider moving. Not urgently, but in the next couple of years at least?

Am I being a stroppy princess?
Perhaps he just doesn’t see a future with me so doesn’t want to tie himself in? (I don’t think this is the case…)

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 15/04/2025 15:38

I'd honestly move him back out again sharpish, and reclaim your space.

springbringshope · 15/04/2025 15:47

BatchCookBabe · 14/04/2025 15:11

I know a few women like this. One lives in my street. Got a small child around 3.5 years old, and has had 4 different men living with her since the child was born. (Current one moved in in January this year.) NONE of them is the child's father. He fucked off when she was pregnant and has not been seen since.

They have all lived with her for between 3 and 6 months, and the 4th one who has been there 3 months is living with her now, 15 years younger than her, no job, never worked, total cocklodger. But he does her garden for her, and jobs around her house, and she has a shag on tap, and a babysitter for when she wants to go out clubbing with mates. I genuinely worry about the child TBH.

Show quote history

How is your scenario even remotely related to the OP who is living with a man and was fully divorced 4 years ago. So presumably split from her ex 5-6 years ago.

And this man contributes very appropriately according to the OP.

you’ve just brought up some random totally dissimilar scenario.

BalloonEnvy · 15/04/2025 15:50

It sounds like your partner has his cake and is now going to eat the cake.

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 15/04/2025 16:14

I feel sorry for the son in the box room. Arguably he isn't your problem to worry about, but surely his father should want better for his son than that?

AlertCat · 15/04/2025 16:18

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 15/04/2025 16:14

I feel sorry for the son in the box room. Arguably he isn't your problem to worry about, but surely his father should want better for his son than that?

He’s probably only there a night or two a week.

Mistyglade · 15/04/2025 16:36

Namechangeprofessional · 15/04/2025 11:54

Some of these comments are so assumptive they are hilarious.

That’s a little unfair to pp who are trying to help, share experiences and support you.

Shelby2010 · 15/04/2025 18:10

@Namechangeprofessional what happened to the money from his house?

I think given you both have children, it’s not a bad idea to keep finances separate. If you can afford it, then look for a bigger place on your own so you can live together more comfortably. Take legal advice to ensure he has no claim on your property though.

There’s nothing wrong with him being happy where you are, the same as there is nothing wrong with you wanting a bigger house.

RhaenysRocks · 15/04/2025 18:11

@BlondeMummyto1 not on their own no, but there really isn't a need to cohabit in every relationship. Maintaining independence and being able to easily extricate yourself if you need to is massively important. If my partner and I split, there would be little to no impact on my kids .. they've met him but we don't go out and do things together as a family and whilst he does things FOR them like DIY and tech support, he's not a major figure in their lives. Both of us are happy to maintain our own space both physically and mentally and have separate hobbies and friends as well as time together. I'm really proud of being independent, supporting my family, paying my own mortgage etc. After everything got turned upside down when ex left for ow that was my signal to ensure I was capable of going it alone.

maudlinbrassmonkey · 15/04/2025 18:19

BlondeMummyto1 · 15/04/2025 10:11

Jeezzzz!! Are single mums supposed to be on their own forever?

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Don’t have to be if you choose right the first time 🤷‍♀️

TwinklySquid · 15/04/2025 18:20

i don’t think he sees you as a long term thing. He’s got a nice set up at the moment. He’s on a good income and can save a good chunk of that too. All with no responsibility. He can leave tomorrow with no ties.

Personally, if you aren’t going to marry, then you need a bit more commitment like buying a home together. Don’t go buying a five bed and inviting him to come with you.

ZestyJoey · 15/04/2025 19:08

I know how you feel. I used to live in America and since coming back to the UK I can't help but feel cramped. Especially as a large individual, if I had never lived somewhere with ample space then I wouldn't know the difference, but I do! And so do you! If your heart desires more space then why the hell not :)

TwinTeensMum · 15/04/2025 19:48

You’re not being unreasonable but Pls pls seek legal advice regarding protection of your assets/inheritance of your children ASAP, whether or not you move. I understand that under TOLATA (the Trusts of Land and Appointment of Trustees Act 1996) law, if you two split up he could be entitled to some of the equity of your property (even your current property) even if you’re not married. I know that you’re currently very happy and currently don’t want or foresee splitting up.

RhaenysRocks · 15/04/2025 19:56

maudlinbrassmonkey · 15/04/2025 18:19

Don’t have to be if you choose right the first time 🤷‍♀️

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Feel better for that? 🙄

Blackbirdsinthgarden · 15/04/2025 20:11

OP - I don’t think you ever answered the question of his house sale/any equity he gained from the sale of his property, or his custody arrangement. If he has joint custody of his son (presumably the son’s mother is around?) then he won’t be paying child support. He obviously has to contribute towards the support for his son, with his son’s mother, or does he have sole custody? If he has his son all the time, that is another issue. Can you clarify that?

Also, even if he makes a MORE than fair contribution to bills/food etc., he is STILL living rent/mortgage free, which otherwise he would have to pay for, if he didn’t live with you. Presumably you also get child support from your ex husband and child benefit. Does your partner’s ex wife get the child benefit as the resident parent? A box room is fine (at the moment) if his son only stays part of the week, but as children grow into young adults, they need more space. You are not wrong to want a bigger property, and as your salary has increased, it makes sense to do it sooner rather than later.

You say he makes a fairly good salary, but the majority of YOUR wages/salary goes on housing (mortgage). So, if by living with you, and he is only paying bills etc. (despite, as you say, he pays a generous contribution) he is still quids in by not paying rent or a mortgage. So, no wonder he doesn’t want to move. He must be saving a very large amount of money that he would have to pay towards his living costs. If he is on a fairly high wage, would you not want to know where his savings are going? He must be saving a very large amount a month into savings or a pension by not having to pay rent/mortgage. What about YOUR pension? You also need to be saving a comparable amount into your pension, which you would probably be able to do so, if he contributed a bit of rent?

You need to have a conversation with him about the apparent unfairness of the situation and reiterate your wish to move to a larger property in the near future, and highlight the disparity with the current situation.

Good luck! You need to do the best for you and your girls, albeit with or without your partner.

Dogsbreath7 · 15/04/2025 20:26

YABU for moving your boyfriend and his don in. Are you unable to live free and unencumbered with a man? This was your children’s home- did they get a say?

he has it cushty- no mortgage no rent can afford to act as the ‘generous’ boyfriend and you have fallen for it.

Tell him to move out space is at a premium and if he doesn’t want to buy jointly with you this is the only way to have more space.

But really this can’t be shock, you knew the house was too small. Why did you feel you need to be living with him?

asrl78 · 15/04/2025 20:44

maudlinbrassmonkey · 15/04/2025 18:19

Don’t have to be if you choose right the first time 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Attraction isn't a choice.

DeedsNotDiddums · 15/04/2025 22:13

Queeneel · 14/04/2025 08:43

You moved your boyfriend and his son in to your children’s home very soon after divorcing?

Edited

Doesn't seem all that soon?

Pippyls67 · 15/04/2025 23:55

Partner is taking advantage a bit.

eastegg · 16/04/2025 00:21

Namechangean · 14/04/2025 10:40

Because she can’t win can she: he pays for half the bills and food, he’s a cocklodger. He pays for half the bills, food and mortgage then she’s putting herself at risk of him having a interest in the house if they break up. No matter what their senario is people will be down her throat telling her she’s stupid

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Yes I agree actually. There’s some muddled thinking on this thread. If the sexes were reversed and a woman moved in to her partner’s house, with no claim on the property but contributing to bills and food, she’d be told she was a mug and that he was taking advantage of her. There’s some stereotypes at play on this thread for sure, because actually we have very little information. He could be contributing lots financially, doing lots of housework, maybe even some childcare, but I suspect it’s being assumed it’s not that kind of set-up simply because of the sexes of the participants.

eastegg · 16/04/2025 00:31

PhatGurlSlim · 15/04/2025 13:13

He has it really cushty. He has a woman to help raise his dc with no real commitment apart from living with you and contributing to bills. You would be shocked to know how some (really lovely) people think once they have children. I witnessed someone stick out a relationship because they needed help with raising their child. Once the child reached 18 and went to uni that was it. They were off. Put your kids and yourself first. He has.

How do you know he ‘has a woman to help raise his DC’ anymore than OP has a man to help her raise hers? Answer = sexist stereotyping on your part.

Pippyls67 · 17/04/2025 09:48

It’s not the burden of home ownership he’s afraid of - it’s using the money he extracted from his own house sale that he’s afraid of. He’s kind of using you in a way sorry Op. He’s getting a nice home without spending his own equity. I think you’re trying not to se this Op. Sorry but it’s the elephant in the room.

CiscoTS · 17/04/2025 10:08

It’s your house.

I’d just tell him you’re selling it and moving. It’s up to him if he wants to come or not.

Sounds like you could potentially afford something bigger on your own, especially in a few years’ time.

Mirabai · 17/04/2025 10:13

Pippyls67 · 17/04/2025 09:48

It’s not the burden of home ownership he’s afraid of - it’s using the money he extracted from his own house sale that he’s afraid of. He’s kind of using you in a way sorry Op. He’s getting a nice home without spending his own equity. I think you’re trying not to se this Op. Sorry but it’s the elephant in the room.

This.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 17/04/2025 10:25

ForFunGoose · 14/04/2025 09:10

What ages are the children?
we up sized to give everyone space but lost a lot of our disposable income with a bigger mortgage. I would stay where you are OP

Edited

On the flip side we did exactly the same and it's by far the best thing we ever did.

I agree everybody's different but for us having the space where we spend so much of our time has brought so much happiness and spending less money elsewhere has been a surprisingly easy compromise

pikkumyy77 · 17/04/2025 12:14

eastegg · 16/04/2025 00:21

Yes I agree actually. There’s some muddled thinking on this thread. If the sexes were reversed and a woman moved in to her partner’s house, with no claim on the property but contributing to bills and food, she’d be told she was a mug and that he was taking advantage of her. There’s some stereotypes at play on this thread for sure, because actually we have very little information. He could be contributing lots financially, doing lots of housework, maybe even some childcare, but I suspect it’s being assumed it’s not that kind of set-up simply because of the sexes of the participants.

Show quote history

Well but the woman in your example would be a mug—living with a partner in a blended family without building up equity is foolish for long term partners. She is offering him the chance to build equity and raise his living standard and he is refusing. Everyone agrees that he iis within his rights to do so (as the woman in your example would be) if he anticipates the relationship is casual or short term. But a short term relationship in which neither party commits or offers sweat equity or asset enrichment also gets subjected to an evaluation as to opportunity cost. The cost to a partner who is seeking a lifelong, committed, relationship of being in an uncommitted relationship is high. Both parties are wasting their time if their “investment “ in the relationship is unequal. Historically and financially it is usually women who do worse or women who post here so answers are generally going to reflect that.