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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a stroppy princess?

281 replies

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 08:39

I’m very happy to be told IABU…

I went through a divorce 4 years ago. Following divorce, I sold my large 5bed family home (very sad) downsized and bought a small new build on my own (with my children). It’s lovely, just on the small side.

Since then, I have climbed the career ladder and I earn very very well. I can afford the mortgage easily now and things are comfortable.

My partner (of 3 years) moved in with me, 18 months ago to my house and sold his. He pays a good contribution towards bills etc (I have no complaints on this, he’s very lovely, generous, buys food etc)

We are all blissfully living happily together. However I do feel a bit squashed in here and have the desire to move in 2-3 years, pool our finances and buy something together. (He also has a son, so there are 5 of us living together in this small new build house)

It’s a nice house, but it feels very busy and gets messy quickly with 3 children.

Partner has no desire to move house. But I feel disappointed that 5 years ago I was living in a very comfortable 5 bedroom with lots of space and garden and now I feel so squashed into a 3 bed new build.

We could get a joined mortgage and easily afford something bigger. But he says he doesn’t want to move again and it’s comfortable here.
I feel like I am being a bit of a princess… This house size wise was fine with myself and two kids. But now there are 5 of us… it fees claustrophobic.

AIBU to say that we need to consider moving. Not urgently, but in the next couple of years at least?

Am I being a stroppy princess?
Perhaps he just doesn’t see a future with me so doesn’t want to tie himself in? (I don’t think this is the case…)

OP posts:
notacooldad · 14/04/2025 11:42

This house size wise was fine with myself and two kids. But now there are 5 of us… it fees claustrophobic.
So, he moves out and you are comfortable in your house again.

But we are happy in our relationship. So we don’t want to separate…(?)

You don't have to separate.
I know quite a few people on long tern relationships that live in separate houses. Two couples I know separated to their own homes after living together and it really helped their relationships.

I think you will feel resentment as time goes on with you all shoe horned into the house when it was a good fit before he moved in.
I'm sure you said in replies but I haven't read everyone, you have legally protected your house from him having a claim things go wrong.

housethatbuiltme · 14/04/2025 11:47

Doesn't matter what he wants he is just a cocklodger in YOUR home. Buy whatever house you want (if he won't pay and the next house doesn't have room for him... too bad so sad, he will just have to find his own place)

Of course he doesn't want to actually pay when he has it made for free.

Codlingmoths · 14/04/2025 11:48

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 10:16

He honestly isn’t a “cocklodger” or “freeloader”. He’s a very good man.

I understand it’s a fairly new (3 year) relationship and as I very well know, people can deceive you and turn nasty (hello ex husband). I am not naive.

But I am looking to my mid term future plans over the next 5 years. And although it’s been ok, I feel like why should we be all hemmed in here when I work very hard and earn well.

I will look into the possibility of buying something larger myself, yes. I think this is a good suggestion. If he isn’t keep to get Involved then maybe that will highlight his long term priorities and it will be an eye opener. However I don’t see this being an issue.

(Not particularly relevant but he does have a relative high paying job too…)

You have a house that is enough for you and your dc. His moving in means it isn’t. How is you solely funding a bigger house just to allow for him and his son a good idea??

Nominative · 14/04/2025 11:49

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 09:04

He pays a good and fair contribution. Thats not the issue at all.

But you are right. Maybe I should consider upsizing and purchasing larger something myself. I just would prefer if it could be a joint purchase and something we both want and love and see our future in together (and also that would also afford us more borrowing power for a better/larger property if both of us are on the mortgage)

Show quote history

Does he pay anything that reflects what he would be paying in rent or mortgage contributions if he had not moved in with you?

notacooldad · 14/04/2025 11:52

How is you solely funding a bigger house just to allow for him and his son a good idea??
This is a great point.
You ha e a perfect house for you and your kids.
It sounds like you have worked bloody hard and done well for yourself and got a nice house.
So you need a bigger one for this chap and his kid? This will mean you paying more money even if contributes.
Absolute madness!

sandyhappypeople · 14/04/2025 11:53

You're not wrong for wanting what you want OP, he is wrong for digging in his heels and wanting to stay.. it is not his house to make decisions like that, he gets no say in where you live while all the house responsibility is yours.

If he only 'contributes' towards the bills and food, while sitting on a pile of cash with a good earning job then he is being very unreasonable to want to make you stay somewhere that isn't suited to your needs.

If you are both in a serious committed relationship and you see it as a long term commitment then there is absolutely no reason not to pool your resources to get somewhere suitable for everyone longer term.. if he doesn't want that then it says a lot about his commitment to you (or lack of) IMO.

At the minute he's got it great, nice house to live in, someone to share the chores (or do them? for him and his son), with someone who will pay the majority of the bills, and he can leave anytime he wants with his money and well paying job and start again.

Bigfish51 · 14/04/2025 12:03

He’s just another child for you to look after.

I agree with @Humpsr rent your house out and rent a bigger one. He just wants everything his own way.

Humpsr · 14/04/2025 12:04

Him not wishing to join finances is fine IMO.
The issue is that you have chosen his comfort over that of your children.

You could rent out your home and rent a larger home together where he actually pays for accommodation.

Having your children squished into a tiny home to accommodate a man who is clearly suiting himself, is not a good look.

YOU should want more for your children than this.

The fact that you think it is ok for a well paid man to only pay for bills and food means you are 100% being used.

He has banked thousands not paying rent.
Women determined to put a man first always refuse to see this reality.

You went from an abusive relationship into one where you are being used.

Your children surely have been through enough.
You should have taken time to heal and grow not rush into a relationship with a man who clearly saw you were desperate with poor boundaries.

Boundaries would have meant you wouldn't have dreamt of having your daughters who lost their spacious home being squished even more by two strange males now moving in.

Your priorities are all wrong.
They should be your daughters, not some man suiting himself.

Beyondburnout · 14/04/2025 12:04

He's made it very clear that he doesn't want to get a joint mortgage with you. It's off the cards so you need to decide what your going to do now?

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 14/04/2025 12:06

BodenCardiganNot · 14/04/2025 10:20

I feel sorry for the 3 children in this situation.
Blended really means mangled.

I suppose that depends if you actually know what you’re talking about because you’ve done it, or if you’re just being judgemental because you saw something in OK! Magazine the other day.

Alsonification · 14/04/2025 12:09

Not sure if it’s been mentioned, but could it be that his credit rating is not good and he doesn’t want you to know? Maybe he’s worried he wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage?

Whatwaswrongwiththatusername · 14/04/2025 12:10

@NamechangeprofessionalI’ve had a look through the thread but can’t see if you’ve mentioned the ages of the children at all? I guess the difference between all kids being 10 and under (for example) and so still many years before any leave home, and the children being teens, so possibility of leaving home sooner, may also be a factor in this? If the latter then as they leave you’ll have more space again, but if the former and you’ll be living like this for maybe next ten years, this may also factor?

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/04/2025 12:10

It's sub optimal but how about renting a big place together while letting out your house.

That way you get a big house with the downsides of a joint mortgage.

(At the expense of dead money on rent but that's a bigger problem for him than you.)

BodenCardiganNot · 14/04/2025 12:13

@OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret
Piss off with your own judgemental attitude.
Sick of reading threads where children are very much placed in a worse position than they should be because the adults in their lives put themselves first and force children to live with other people and being given no choice.

Humpsr · 14/04/2025 12:14

Boundaries would be telling him that it is fine if he doesn't wish to buy but the present rent free situation where you and your children are squished in YOUR tiny home no longer works and he needs to find a house for him and his son.

He has saved thousands not paying rent, he surely can afford it.

I doubt it though.
OP will likely buy a bigger house for him and his son to have more space, living rent free.

Your poor daughters.

ChristmasFluff · 14/04/2025 12:17

I don't think it is a good idea to buy a larger house just to fit him and his son in more comfortably.

The problem is that he has no motivation to move. I would make it clear to him that situation as it is no longer works for me, and so he can choose to either move out so that I get the space back, or buy a larger house together.

Then either way, you have more room. As others have said, him moving out doesn't mean the relationship has to end, and you'll feel a lot better with more space.

Buying together will increase his security too - if he genuinely is paying a fair amount, then he is losing out, because ultimately he's paying into your bricks and mortar when he could be building equity in his own place or a joint place. So I do wonder why he is so happy with the status quo.

Viviennemary · 14/04/2025 12:18

He is quite comfortable with the current arrangements. Tell him to leave your house if you're not happy.

LoyalLeader · 14/04/2025 12:19

It sounds like you need to have an honest conversation about the reason why he doesn’t want to buy a bigger house with you. It could be for a number of reasons, some you might be in with, some
others maybe not. Better to know now rather than later.

You didn’t give details about how/to what proportion he contributes financially to the household. If it’s c.40% of the total, then that’s probably fair since you say he also earns a good wage. The 40% is based on the fact that there are 3 of you and 2 of him. If it’s less, you might need to reconsider the split. That wouldn’t make him a “bad man”,
or mean he’s taking advantage of
you, not necessarily. You just need to make sure you’re protecting your future finances.

Crazybaby123 · 14/04/2025 12:20

100percenthagitude · 14/04/2025 11:05

So he gets a bigger home with none of the effort and the input?

Show quote history

Ni, I said he should work out a suitable rental contribution. Prefarbly with a formal agreement.

PhatGurlSlim · 14/04/2025 12:24

healthybychristmas · 14/04/2025 09:01

So he pays for the food yet he and his child presumably a lot of that anyway? I would just tell him that I was going to move. Personally in your situation I would not mix my finances with him. I would buy the bigger house on my own. I would definitely reconsider whether I wanted him living there and I wouldn't have him living there rent free either.

I would lose respect for a man who was happy to live off another woman's earnings, which is actually what he is doing.

My friend did this. For decades. It was heartbreaking to watch. Not only did the man have no incentive to move, but he also had no incentive to work because he was living rent free.

Mistyglade · 14/04/2025 12:24

What the heck. You moved him and his child in to your family’s home very quickly and now he’s calling the shots about your future. Madness. You sound smart and level headed but I can’t believe you think you’re being a princess! He’s being unreasonable about this.

L0UISA · 14/04/2025 12:32

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 10:16

He honestly isn’t a “cocklodger” or “freeloader”. He’s a very good man.

I understand it’s a fairly new (3 year) relationship and as I very well know, people can deceive you and turn nasty (hello ex husband). I am not naive.

But I am looking to my mid term future plans over the next 5 years. And although it’s been ok, I feel like why should we be all hemmed in here when I work very hard and earn well.

I will look into the possibility of buying something larger myself, yes. I think this is a good suggestion. If he isn’t keep to get Involved then maybe that will highlight his long term priorities and it will be an eye opener. However I don’t see this being an issue.

(Not particularly relevant but he does have a relative high paying job too…)

I say this kindly and ( I hope ) respectfully @Namechangeprofessional

I undertand you are frustrated with the situation , but you write as if these things have just happened and you had no choice or agency.

You are “ all hemmed in” because you asked him to move in with you. You knew how many people were involved, it’s not as if a surprise baby has arrived or his ex wife died and now he has the kids full time. You chose this.

You could have rented even bought somewhere bigger together but you didn’t.

You could now ask him to move out ( but still keep dating ) but you don’t want to.

You say he doesn’t have the same aspirations as you in terms of housing. But you want a bigger house that you pay for and he already has a smaller house that’s free. So it could be argued that he is a great deal smarter and more aspirational than you.

You care about the mess and over crowding and he doesn’t . That suggests to me that you do more housework than he does, as the one who cares more always does more. So yet again, this is your choice.

You do actually have lots of choices here . You are obviously smart and hardworking, with a good job ( and I hope a good pension ). I sincerely hope you were smart enough to sign a cohabitation agreement before you moved him into your house.

But what you can’t do is change your partner into someone he is not.

You want ties and commitment and he doesn’t . He wants to be free to leave anytime.

You want to make a shared medium term plan and he doesn’t. He wants to continue with his own plan.

You want equality of finances and effort and he doesn’t. He wants you to pay the mortgage and worry about roof repairs, while he has his lump sum invested.

Im sure he is delightful and charming and you have fun together. But you want different things, so you need to accept this or leave . Trying to change him and get him to do what you want isn’t going to work - I think you are old enough and smart enough to know this.

Im sorry, Im sure this isn’t how you wanted it to work out.

Snapncrackle · 14/04/2025 12:32

you don’t need a bigger house for yourself and your kids
the house you have is perfect for you and your children

tell your DP your not happy and he needs to move out and find somewhere else to live as he’s not bothered about the space but you are and you and your kids don’t actually need more space

you only need it cos of your DP

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 14/04/2025 12:37

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 09:01

Perhaps it is the financial burden of homeownership that he doesn’t want. That’s a good way to put it.

Please don’t get me wrong. We have a very good relationship and I am not bitter in anyway.

Just a little frustrated that he doesn’t seem to have the same aspirations as me in terms of housing.

Like I mentioned before, I wouldn’t be wanting to move imminently. But if we are to stay together for the rest of our lives… I want to do it in a more comfortable space…

If you’re going to stay together for the rest of your lives I would be expecting him to share the load of the finances too. It feels a little bit as though he doesn’t want to fully commit to your relationship.

Five people in a 3 bed house is quite tricky, and as the children grow will only get trickier, I’d probably want to move too.

Startinganew32 · 14/04/2025 12:40

BodenCardiganNot · 14/04/2025 10:20

I feel sorry for the 3 children in this situation.
Blended really means mangled.

Yeah yeah bla bla bla. It’s only on Mumsnet that people are utterly incapable of accepting that blended families are not always terrible and torture for the children. Nobody seems to say a peep about the many many women who choose to have kids with abusive and feckless wankers and subject those children to an awful childhood and often adulthood and is far more damaging than having (what in this case sounds like) another supportive adult in the child’s life who cares for them. My mums choice of father for me caused long term issues for me and she knew from the beginning that he would be a shit dad. Her choice of stepfather really didn’t and he was a good guy, much much better than my dad (they’ve split now but I’m still in touch with him).