Am I being a stroppy princess?

[Namechangeprofessional]

I’m very happy to be told IABU…

I went through a divorce 4 years ago. Following divorce, I sold my large 5bed family home (very sad) downsized and bought a small new build on my own (with my children). It’s lovely, just on the small side.

Since then, I have climbed the career ladder and I earn very very well. I can afford the mortgage easily now and things are comfortable.

My partner (of 3 years) moved in with me, 18 months ago to my house and sold his. He pays a good contribution towards bills etc (I have no complaints on this, he’s very lovely, generous, buys food etc)

We are all blissfully living happily together. However I do feel a bit squashed in here and have the desire to move in 2-3 years, pool our finances and buy something together. (He also has a son, so there are 5 of us living together in this small new build house)

It’s a nice house, but it feels very busy and gets messy quickly with 3 children.

Partner has no desire to move house. But I feel disappointed that 5 years ago I was living in a very comfortable 5 bedroom with lots of space and garden and now I feel so squashed into a 3 bed new build.

We could get a joined mortgage and easily afford something bigger. But he says he doesn’t want to move again and it’s comfortable here.
I feel like I am being a bit of a princess… This house size wise was fine with myself and two kids. But now there are 5 of us… it fees claustrophobic.

AIBU to say that we need to consider moving. Not urgently, but in the next couple of years at least?

Am I being a stroppy princess?
Perhaps he just doesn’t see a future with me so doesn’t want to tie himself in? (I don’t think this is the case…)

OP, he really has it all set up nicely.
You have provided a home for him and his child without any commitment from him, just his weekly contribution.

For this you and your girls are jammed into a tiny house.
What exactly are you getting out of this?
Its clear what he is.

Your children are the losers.
They have already lost enough haven't they?

The house is too small and you are clearly putting him and his son ahead of your own girls.
That's so wrong.

You are a convenience is my guess.
Time to have a hard think about your girls and put them first.

This man is putting himself and what is easiest for him and his son first.

Women need to be far more wary of men so quick to move in.

The real losers here are your children.

If you're not happy with your living arrangements, and he's not financially tied in (so doesn't have a day in what YOU do with YOUR money), then why not just buy a bigger house on your own. Then he can decide to move with you or leave and get somewhere for himself - assuming he'd move with you as your relationship is otherwise happy. Would he be happy doing that and increasing his contribution?

I don't understand why people do this to their children. "Blending" is bad enough when you actually have room, but forcing them in uncomfortably close proximity with some bloke and his kid? Ugh.

This.
Control your own home ownership - where it is, how big it is and who shares it with you..
Save a deposit to upgrade or even invest in an extra apartment.

Of course he doesn’t want to move. Why should he start paying a mortgage when he doesn’t have to?!

I think that is very reasonable, and to be honest, despite the relationship being good, this would be a dealbreaker for me - he's got a great life in your home and a nice nest egg from the sale of his. A relationship is about what two people want, not what one wants. If he is happy to live in a small space he'd be welcome to move out into his own small space.

He honestly isn’t a “cocklodger” or “freeloader”. He’s a very good man.

I understand it’s a fairly new (3 year) relationship and as I very well know, people can deceive you and turn nasty (hello ex husband). I am not naive.

But I am looking to my mid term future plans over the next 5 years. And although it’s been ok, I feel like why should we be all hemmed in here when I work very hard and earn well.

I will look into the possibility of buying something larger myself, yes. I think this is a good suggestion. If he isn’t keep to get Involved then maybe that will highlight his long term priorities and it will be an eye opener. However I don’t see this being an issue.

(Not particularly relevant but he does have a relative high paying job too…)

How old is his son? His room fits a bed and nothing else? Where are his clothes and belongings? I take it he never has friends round?

I don’t know how he can be happy with that set up for his son, when he knows he can afford to give him a better one.

I think your post title and the wording of your post is a bit odd - you're living in a house that doesn't feel comfortable any more because extra people have moved in, but its like you're feeling guilty or foolish about your own discomfort and doubting that you can trust your own judgement. Did your partner manipulate you into doubting your own judgement, because the current set up suits him and he doesn't want it to change?

Its also a good point the other posters have made about your girls having to share a bathroom with this boy who they don't really know. It’s not ideal for them, or for the boy in the tiny box room. It’s weird that his dad doesn't want him to be more comfortable and settled. Is this arrangement temporary, at least in your partner’s head? These are the things you need to figure out. I would insist on a fully honest conversation with him about housing and long term plans. If he gets defensive or shuts down or won’t be honest about his long term thinking, I think that tells you you’re being used.

Why are you avoiding saying how much he financially contributes?

He sold his house and moved his child in because he has massively financially benefited.

I feel sorry for the 3 children in this situation.
Blended really means mangled.

You spend a lot of time at home, you should (as Kirsty & Phil say) love it or list it.

So you earn well and your priority is a bigger house so your kids don't feel cramped in what was once a spacious home for them.

Why is he happy for his son to have a cramped box room when he can afford to put him first and give him space.

Oh yeah, cos he's putting himself first. Happy to have his money sat there gathering interest while your house takes the brunt of wear and tear and upkeep and the kids all live on top of each other.

He might be great OP but he's being selfish and calculating to some degree.

Yes it's very telling. You keep saying he's generous etc and contributes food but it does indeed sound like he's taking advantage. He saw the benefits of moving him and his son in and selling his house after knowing you just 18 months because he's getting a very very good deal. I suspect he's actually contributing very little.

I guess you probably have a lovely husband and children that all live together. I mean, yeah that’s the dream isn’t it. But that’s not how life pans out for a huge majority of families.

But you don’t have to be all hemmed in OP. You CHOSE to move these extra people in.

Do you think he would dump you if you said you didn’t want to live together? Is that why you did it? It’s baffling.

Op I doubt your children are happy living squashed in this house with 2 extra people. You're not happy about the situation so it will affect them. Partner needs to move out. Bet he changes his tune then.

He is not a partner. Partners invest in a joint enterprise (i.e. a joint mortgage in your example). Princesses live in their own castles - you should buy on your own, you say you earn very very well. It will be less complicated. He then can pay rent if he does not want to become a partner.

Blended does not mean mangled. What a wanky thing to say.

You're making it sound like you had no say in the matter.

How old are the kids?

it feels unfair that his child can barely fit a bed into his ‘bedroom’. He’s going to grow up and resent that of his step sisters have their own space for their belongings. A good dad would want his child to have his own space too but guess him financially benefitting trumps that.