Am I being a stroppy princess?

[Namechangeprofessional]

I’m very happy to be told IABU…

I went through a divorce 4 years ago. Following divorce, I sold my large 5bed family home (very sad) downsized and bought a small new build on my own (with my children). It’s lovely, just on the small side.

Since then, I have climbed the career ladder and I earn very very well. I can afford the mortgage easily now and things are comfortable.

My partner (of 3 years) moved in with me, 18 months ago to my house and sold his. He pays a good contribution towards bills etc (I have no complaints on this, he’s very lovely, generous, buys food etc)

We are all blissfully living happily together. However I do feel a bit squashed in here and have the desire to move in 2-3 years, pool our finances and buy something together. (He also has a son, so there are 5 of us living together in this small new build house)

It’s a nice house, but it feels very busy and gets messy quickly with 3 children.

Partner has no desire to move house. But I feel disappointed that 5 years ago I was living in a very comfortable 5 bedroom with lots of space and garden and now I feel so squashed into a 3 bed new build.

We could get a joined mortgage and easily afford something bigger. But he says he doesn’t want to move again and it’s comfortable here.
I feel like I am being a bit of a princess… This house size wise was fine with myself and two kids. But now there are 5 of us… it fees claustrophobic.

AIBU to say that we need to consider moving. Not urgently, but in the next couple of years at least?

Am I being a stroppy princess?
Perhaps he just doesn’t see a future with me so doesn’t want to tie himself in? (I don’t think this is the case…)

You have no plans to marry, you said. Have you discussed the future in terms of finances and a possible house purchase?

I’d feel like you op. But I’d have said to him it’s a bit squishy here for you to move in, let me know when you feel like us looking together for something we can all live in. Because now it’s much harder.
it is ok to say to him I really feel like this is a bit small for all of us. I can see you disagree but I feel that quite strongly. I don’t regret you moving in but there is a time limit on how long I’m willing to live here with 5 people. Your son will get too big for that box room in a few years too, his friends will tell him how tiny it is, and I won’t make my daughters share.

see what he says. I too would be worried he isn’t interested in committing financially, like others have said.

What’s he done with his money from the sale? I’d be wary of buying with him tbh unless you can come up with an agreement that will protect your DCs future.

@Namechangeprofessional YANBU, definitely not.

Given that the lifestyle of you and your children was drastically disrupted by the divorce, it's incomprehensible that you would want, again, to make yourself so vulnerable.

Calculate what you could afford, buying on your own, and start looking for a larger property.

Your relationship doesn't need to change but you need to be smart, use your head and protect yourself.

Good luck

Having gone through a separation I am now very minded to keep my finances separate in the future. I think though that him moving in with his son has forced the issue. You are crowded because of this. You are happy now. Most relationships start off happy with no one thinking about what it will be when it goes wrong. I would be very cautious about him putting any money into your house other than bills.

Why on earth does he think he should have a say about where you and your kids live? He’s just the (cock)lodger. If you want to move house then do it. He can either come with you or find his own place.

I’d be surprised he would sell his house and move his son in though if he didn’t see it being a long term thing This is very naïve OP. He’s onto a good deal here. But his son isn’t and your kids aren’t.

Beetr00 has nailed it.

Did he have his fingers burnt in the past OP with jointly owning and then separating?

It might just be he doesn't want the idea of that being a potential and all the messiness of having to split financials.

Either way sitting down with him and having a chat is a good idea to understand his view point. I would also say at the moment your in a protected position it's your house!

How long is soon? This is years…

Yeah I just don’t understand why you moved this bloke and his child into your home?

Is he really contributing fairly?

Personally, I would buy a bigger house for me and my dcs without his input. And make sure that my dcs' inheritance was protected entirely.

You should do what you want. You've worked hard, succeeded professionally and shouldn't be held back in any way.

You sound like a very generous woman - just be very careful with that. Whilst you have a good relationship right now, if he were asked to step up and contribute equally to for example, a new property, how would he react? Could be interesting to see.

Also at risk of derailing the thread, I just wanted to say bloody well done to you for rising from the ashes of a divorce. Can I ask what your profession is? I am struggling to find my way after a financially devastating divorce.

So I am just reading the threads and can't quite understand. You are happy with your current house for you and your 2 DC. You want a bigger house again (nothing wrong with that BTW) but this is really only to accommodate your DP and his DC, otherwise you would have been happy to stay where you are? So, effectively you are buying a bigger house for him? So will he be contributing to the fees and potential Stamp duty costs for you to do this? But then still not taking on any % of the he mortgage or bills, just food. if you want to move house then do it because you want a bigger house, not so that you have more space for them?

Every house I’ve ever lived in has a box room, and it’s always counted as a bedroom. Don’t get me wrong, rereading what I’ve wrote, it sounds disparaging that OP wants to move. I think it’s fine to want a nicer house especially when you’re used to it, but it’s hardly overcrowding and we don’t know her DP is a villain. He could be paying half of all the costs including the mortgage but they’re splitting it in to bills vs mortgage to protect OPs asset.

Just seems like everyone’s jumping to conclusions that paint OP as either a neglectful mum, or a victim of a cocklodger. She’s not saying that what he is.

Well tell him either we're moving to a bigger place with joint mortgage or he moves out.
He sounds like a bit of a freeloader. He must have a load of money sitting around from his
house sale? If he doesn't then something gone seriously awry and he is only at yours for a free roof over his head.

Did I mis the post about your children's wishes? You must have talked about it even if you have not asked them directly?

It would, but having to sell would be the likely outcome if you split up. You’re happy now but breakups do happen.
His son living in a box room should be a concern as he gets older.

I agree with those saying don’t pool finances. I’d investigate what I could get myself with a slightly bigger mortgage (maybe a bit of a do-er upper, maybe same size but room to extend). You could really regret mixing finances and be worse off than before if you’re not very careful.

I'd be really interested to know how much he's contributing. Is it really "fair"?

He's got a great deal here. Living rent/mortgage free with no real commitment. Meanwhile the equity from his house sale could be in savings/investments earning him thousands a year.

I'm surprised he's happy for his child to be squashed into a tiny box room. (How much longer can that realistically last)

To me, it's clear he doesn't want to commit himself to you in any meaningful way. I'd be very wary of tying yourself to him financially

You are not being a stroppy princess, but I think , from your last post, you may be realising that this prince you moved in, is taking advantage.

Tell him you need more space; the easiest way to achieve that is for him to move out.

But honestly, I would be in no hurry to share a mortgage with him, or any partner, while I was earning well and looking after my own dc.

You are not being a stroppy princess at all.

Buy a bigger house now that you can afford it if you wish, why not- you’ve worked hard for it. It would be a very positive thing to do for you and your children. A good investment.

But don’t allow anybody except your own two children to piggy back ride along on your aspirations, hard work and career progression. Do it for the three of you, nobody else.

If he loves your house so much and is comfortable there, he can buy it from you for himself and his child while you move up the housing ladder as planned.

Sounds as if he doesn’t share your dreams OP, but is maybe using you to hitch himself up a notch on his own finances while you and your children are suddenly cramped for space.

Maybe he genuinely can’t afford to support himself or to move, maybe he’s not as committed as you hoped, maybe he’s a user. Impossible to say but as it is, I think you should put yourself and your two DC first. Blending two families into a one family house isn’t ideal at all and limited space must feel claustrophobic.
You would be unreasonable not to help yourself and your children to something better such a bedroom each, if you can afford it comfortably.

Don’t wait two years or so for him to agree. Do it now or as soon as you can afford to do it. Do it for yourselves. Don’t get side-tracked by him.
You can’t allow him to scupper your future plans. He isn’t on your team as fully as you hoped.

Does his son live with you?

Even if so it might not be that long before kids are of to Uni/moving away.

I'd probably be thinking more about planning for a comfortable/early retirement!

Yes he has the box room.