Page 6 | Am I being a stroppy princess?

Namechangeprofessional · 2025-04-14T07:39:16+00:00

I’m very happy to be told IABU… I went through a divorce 4 years ago. Following divorce, I sold my large 5bed family home (very sad) downsized and bought a small new build on my own (with my children). It’s lovely, just on the small side. Since then, I have climbed the career ladder and I earn very very well. I can afford the mortgage easily now and things are comfortable. My partner (of 3 years) moved in with me, 18 months ago to my house and sold his. He pays a good contribution towards bills etc (I have no complaints on this, he’s very lovely, generous, buys food etc) We are all blissfully living happily together. However I do feel a bit squashed in here and have the desire to move in 2-3 years, pool our finances and buy something together. (He also has a son, so there are 5 of us living together in this small new build house) It’s a nice house, but it feels very busy and gets messy quickly with 3 children. Partner has no desire to move house. But I feel disappointed that 5 years ago I was living in a very comfortable 5 bedroom with lots of space and garden and now I feel so squashed into a 3 bed new build. We could get a joined mortgage and easily afford something bigger. But he says he doesn’t want to move again and it’s comfortable here. I feel like I am being a bit of a princess… This house size wise was fine with myself and two kids. But now there are 5 of us… it fees claustrophobic. AIBU to say that we need to consider moving. Not urgently, but in the next couple of years at least? Am I being a stroppy princess? Perhaps he just doesn’t see a future with me so doesn’t want to tie himself in? (I don’t think this is the case…)

Userdawg · 14/04/2025 10:30

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MiserableMrsMopp · 14/04/2025 10:31

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 09:21

Your second paragraph is interesting. Perhaps I do need to have a chat to him about financial commitment being an issue.

We don’t have plans to marry. (No need)

Buying a house together isn’t a life long commitment. But it’s a fairly long-medium term commitment. So maybe he just doesn’t want this. (I’d be surprised he would sell his house and move his son in though if he didn’t see it being a long term thing.)

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Sorry to revert back to an earlier post of yours @Namechangeprofessional

But it did occur to me, that he'll have released a large amount of equity, if he's sold his house. What has he done with it?

And if he's paying into your household income, in the hopefully-never-to-happen event of relationship breakdown, he'll be able to lay claim to some of the equity in YOUR house.

It does strike me that he's having his money and also benefitting from your home. And upgrading to a bigger house would require HIS equity involvement, which is probably what he's trying to avoid. The question is why?

MiserableMrsMopp · 14/04/2025 10:32

@Namechangeprofessional I know all of that is very cynical, but having gone through a relationship breakdown, which impacted my living conditions (as have you), it does make one much more aware of the outcomes and risks.

FleurDeFleur · 14/04/2025 10:33

Does he pay rent for him and his son which you can put into a savings account?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/04/2025 10:36

Your mistake was allowing him to move into your house.

when discussing living together the two of you should have been out there looking at houses to buy together.

do not marry him, as he will then be entitled to a % of your house - whether that be through divorce or your death.

also do not let him pay ' rent ' or towards your mortgage as that too could give him legal rights to your house, any financial contributions would be ' lodgings '

BodenCardiganNot · 14/04/2025 10:38

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes
Say that to the child living in a room with just enough space for a bed and nothing else. Say it also to the 2 girls who have had to adjust to having their mother's boyfriend and his son moving in to their home.

100percenthagitude · 14/04/2025 10:39

Clearly he's comfortable @Namechangeprofessional in the space that you've given him and his son and he can be (in your words) generous without having any responsibility.

As so many have asked, where is the equity from the sale of his house?

Does his son live with you FT and how long has he been divorced/separated. Any what was the reason for that relationship failing? All relevant, I think, to understand this guy's motives.

Namechangean · 14/04/2025 10:40

TwentyTwentyFive · 14/04/2025 10:23

Yes it's very telling. You keep saying he's generous etc and contributes food but it does indeed sound like he's taking advantage. He saw the benefits of moving him and his son in and selling his house after knowing you just 18 months because he's getting a very very good deal. I suspect he's actually contributing very little.

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Because she can’t win can she: he pays for half the bills and food, he’s a cocklodger. He pays for half the bills, food and mortgage then she’s putting herself at risk of him having a interest in the house if they break up. No matter what their senario is people will be down her throat telling her she’s stupid

Takenoprisoner · 14/04/2025 10:40

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Exactly. The partner seems like he prioritises growing his savings (equity from house sale) over everyone else's comfort, including that of his own child

GRex · 14/04/2025 10:42

He's keeping finances separate, which is fine, but obviously he has zero say over the house decisions in that case. It is much better for you to get a bigger house on your own, and he can sign the paperwork stating he has no claim over it. Then when you separate it's no bother for you, he just moves out and if you keep it amicable then you and the kids might still see the boy.

FleurDeFleur · 14/04/2025 10:43

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/04/2025 10:36

Your mistake was allowing him to move into your house.

when discussing living together the two of you should have been out there looking at houses to buy together.

do not marry him, as he will then be entitled to a % of your house - whether that be through divorce or your death.

also do not let him pay ' rent ' or towards your mortgage as that too could give him legal rights to your house, any financial contributions would be ' lodgings '

That's a good point. Thanks. So, is it actually better if he pays nothing?

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/04/2025 10:43

Sound likes he doesn't fancy changing things, sharing ownership of a home is quite a step up in commitment. If you can't agree status quo wins.

Sugargliderwombat · 14/04/2025 10:45

I wouldn't want to move if I lived for free I a comfortable new build. However much of a good man he is he is still not willing to contribute to a joint home.

LadyLucyWells · 14/04/2025 10:48

If you can afford it, all of your dc deserve their own bedrooms, ideally.

thestudio · 14/04/2025 10:51

OP, it's frustrating that you can't see that he has got a ridiculously good deal.

He would be buying groceries anyway!

Perhaps he is spending an extra £400 per month to cover you and your children

But rent on a house for him and his child would be much more than that.

Add in council tax, energy, upkeep of the property...

LoopyLouLaLa · 14/04/2025 10:53

Namechangeprofessional · 14/04/2025 10:16

He honestly isn’t a “cocklodger” or “freeloader”. He’s a very good man.

I understand it’s a fairly new (3 year) relationship and as I very well know, people can deceive you and turn nasty (hello ex husband). I am not naive.

But I am looking to my mid term future plans over the next 5 years. And although it’s been ok, I feel like why should we be all hemmed in here when I work very hard and earn well.

I will look into the possibility of buying something larger myself, yes. I think this is a good suggestion. If he isn’t keep to get Involved then maybe that will highlight his long term priorities and it will be an eye opener. However I don’t see this being an issue.

(Not particularly relevant but he does have a relative high paying job too…)

(Not particularly relevant but he does have a relative high paying job too…)

which he is buying a few groceries with…

you haven’t answered the questions about where the equity of his house sale is - and of course you don’t have to. But you do need to wonder what he’s doing with that and all his monthly salary.

he is a cocklodger as he’s living rent free and doesn’t want this to change. If he wasn’t living with you, would you need to be looking for a bigger property for you and 2 kids?

thestudio · 14/04/2025 10:54

His long term priorities are keeping his costs as low as possible

And benefitting from the interest/security of the equity he's banked.

WhereIsMyLight · 14/04/2025 10:55

House moving aside, you need to have a talk about your level commitment and your finances.

I’m guessing you are both in your forties and have both had marriage breakdowns. You say you have a well paying career but implied you didn’t at the time of your divorce, which will mean your pension pots are probably lower than his. You say he has a high paying job (presumably didn’t take the career hit when his child was born) and sold his house so would have some equity. He may not have a mortgaged asset but his savings and pensions should be significantly higher than yours.

It’s easier to build financial wealth as a couple and if you planning a long life together, your investments and pensions should reflect that. However, you have both gone through a relationship breakdown May not want to get married again and you have unequal situations at the moment. You have an equal number of kids too so it’s not just 50/50 between your kids and his.

Your priority should be ensuring that you have a property and do not lose that independence now you have it. You need to protect yourself and your will needs to protect your daughters. If you move in together with him contributing, you need to work out a fair split if you split and if you die. You probably need to talk to a financial advisor with knowledge of estate planning.

If you’re planning on retiring together, he doesn’t get to benefit from living rent feee in your house and using his equity to grow his investments. Then in retirement he doesn’t get to jet off everywhere because his retirement portfolio is very good and you are stuck at home because you prioritised having a stable home. He also doesn’t get to move himself and his kid in and expect the house is split 3 ways between “the kids”. It’s 50/50 between your two kids. If he does contribute financially, then his proportion will likely go to his child and your proportion will likely be split between your children. So in that sense your kids might miss out if you combine finances with him - if it’s a £300K house, they get £150K each on your death. If with your partner you buy a £500K house and you buy that 50/50 - £250K would pass to his son and your daughters would get the £250K between them so £125K each.

Personally, if it was me I would not move if it meant I couldn’t contribute more to my pension (if his pension was higher than mine). I would focus on growing my pension so we could have a good retirement together (but with separate finances). I would make sure he had no claim over my house and it passed straight to my daughters on my death. I would expect him to contribute to all bills but no maintenance of the property so he couldn’t claim any link to it.

You don’t have to split up. You do need to agree your financial plans long term. That might mean living separately or separate finances but at least you will know and he agrees to live within your limits as you are contributing towards a stable home environment.

fuzzybrains · 14/04/2025 10:55

Oh come on- 2 adults and 3 kids (blended family) in a small house sounds a bit of a nightmare - especially when they will grow into hulking teenagers.

Of course you're not being princessy.

I'd be interested to see what he says if you insist on moving because you're saying you can afford to on your own.

Is he a commitment-phobe?

Easy to move in and pay the bills but still not sure if you're for keeps?

Doggymummar · 14/04/2025 10:57

I would just make decisions for you and your family. He can either move out and you get your space back, or you can buy a new bigger place together.

Crazybaby123 · 14/04/2025 10:57

Men don't really care where they live, as long as its clean tidy and comfortable. Thry will just go along with what the women want. Tell him you are moving of your own accord becuase you want a bigger house, he can come on the mortgage, or not, but if he chooses not to then you will be charging rent to him amd his child as you do not like the living arrangements if the smaller house. Otherwise he is free to move out and find a place to rent.

LoopyLouLaLa · 14/04/2025 10:57

WhereIsMyLight · 14/04/2025 10:55

House moving aside, you need to have a talk about your level commitment and your finances.

I’m guessing you are both in your forties and have both had marriage breakdowns. You say you have a well paying career but implied you didn’t at the time of your divorce, which will mean your pension pots are probably lower than his. You say he has a high paying job (presumably didn’t take the career hit when his child was born) and sold his house so would have some equity. He may not have a mortgaged asset but his savings and pensions should be significantly higher than yours.

It’s easier to build financial wealth as a couple and if you planning a long life together, your investments and pensions should reflect that. However, you have both gone through a relationship breakdown May not want to get married again and you have unequal situations at the moment. You have an equal number of kids too so it’s not just 50/50 between your kids and his.

Your priority should be ensuring that you have a property and do not lose that independence now you have it. You need to protect yourself and your will needs to protect your daughters. If you move in together with him contributing, you need to work out a fair split if you split and if you die. You probably need to talk to a financial advisor with knowledge of estate planning.

If you’re planning on retiring together, he doesn’t get to benefit from living rent feee in your house and using his equity to grow his investments. Then in retirement he doesn’t get to jet off everywhere because his retirement portfolio is very good and you are stuck at home because you prioritised having a stable home. He also doesn’t get to move himself and his kid in and expect the house is split 3 ways between “the kids”. It’s 50/50 between your two kids. If he does contribute financially, then his proportion will likely go to his child and your proportion will likely be split between your children. So in that sense your kids might miss out if you combine finances with him - if it’s a £300K house, they get £150K each on your death. If with your partner you buy a £500K house and you buy that 50/50 - £250K would pass to his son and your daughters would get the £250K between them so £125K each.

Personally, if it was me I would not move if it meant I couldn’t contribute more to my pension (if his pension was higher than mine). I would focus on growing my pension so we could have a good retirement together (but with separate finances). I would make sure he had no claim over my house and it passed straight to my daughters on my death. I would expect him to contribute to all bills but no maintenance of the property so he couldn’t claim any link to it.

You don’t have to split up. You do need to agree your financial plans long term. That might mean living separately or separate finances but at least you will know and he agrees to live within your limits as you are contributing towards a stable home environment.

I mentioned his equity and her pension earlier. But she ignored it. She should not be stretching herself to a bigger house by herself to accommodate her partner and child. She should pay any excess she has into a pension.

CarlyCoffee · 14/04/2025 10:58

This is INSANE I would NEVER move a man and his son into my daughters’ home. Never. I don’t want to pile on and be harsh but I have two girls and I am mind blown by this!!

fuzzybrains · 14/04/2025 10:59

Also, eventually you may need to marry to avoid inheritance tax. It depends what you plan to do with your assets in the future and also the beneficiaries for your pensions.

I know lots of couples who didn't 'need to marry' but when the tax man was breathing down their necks and they were in their 60s, they did marry.

Flutterbyby · 14/04/2025 10:59

He's living rent free and keeping all of his money in the bank.
Why would.he want to buy a house with you and give up the cushy position he has now?