Am I being a stroppy princess?

[Namechangeprofessional]

I’m very happy to be told IABU…

I went through a divorce 4 years ago. Following divorce, I sold my large 5bed family home (very sad) downsized and bought a small new build on my own (with my children). It’s lovely, just on the small side.

Since then, I have climbed the career ladder and I earn very very well. I can afford the mortgage easily now and things are comfortable.

My partner (of 3 years) moved in with me, 18 months ago to my house and sold his. He pays a good contribution towards bills etc (I have no complaints on this, he’s very lovely, generous, buys food etc)

We are all blissfully living happily together. However I do feel a bit squashed in here and have the desire to move in 2-3 years, pool our finances and buy something together. (He also has a son, so there are 5 of us living together in this small new build house)

It’s a nice house, but it feels very busy and gets messy quickly with 3 children.

Partner has no desire to move house. But I feel disappointed that 5 years ago I was living in a very comfortable 5 bedroom with lots of space and garden and now I feel so squashed into a 3 bed new build.

We could get a joined mortgage and easily afford something bigger. But he says he doesn’t want to move again and it’s comfortable here.
I feel like I am being a bit of a princess… This house size wise was fine with myself and two kids. But now there are 5 of us… it fees claustrophobic.

AIBU to say that we need to consider moving. Not urgently, but in the next couple of years at least?

Am I being a stroppy princess?
Perhaps he just doesn’t see a future with me so doesn’t want to tie himself in? (I don’t think this is the case…)

Well it's your house so if you want to sell it and buy something bigger, he can't do anything about that can he? The bigger issue is why he doesn't want to buy a place together. Does he not see a long term future for the relationship?

But he has t made any commitment. He can leave at any point due to his house sale proceedings sitting in his bank and his lack of legal tie to you or your house.

O.P your allowing your heart to rule your head here.

I’d be surprised he would sell his house and move his son in though if he didn’t see it being a long term thing.

thats very naive! He’s got a sweet deal living rent free. He could have put the equity of the house in for investment and each month’s salary into a pension. Securing a future for himself.

It is zero commitment to you living rent free and buying some groceries.

Your house sounds small for 5 people though at least the kids have separate bedrooms. But if the rooms are the size typical of new builds, maybe they will grow out of them soon? Sorry if I've missed where you said the children's ages, but if they are small now they'll take up more space as they get older, whereas if they are already well into their teens, moving out is only a few years ahead.
The very very good thing about staying put is that if the worst happened, DP and his son could move out and you wouldn't have any practical problems (just emotional ones).
Perhaps the most worrying thing about his refusal to move is his disinclination to take seriously your wish for a bit more space.

I mean of course he doesn’t want things to change!

I’d love to be living in a house mortgage free with hundreds of thousands in the bank and my salary just going on some food!

Totally agree. He's telling you one thing when it's the complete opposite.

His money pile is growing, as long as you are subsidising him. Which you are.

I don't see how he thinks he can veto moving house when he doesn't own the house. He does give cocklodger vibes unfortunately and I think you are too in love to see it. He is living with no financial responsibility but thinks he can call the shots whilst not contributing towards housing himself and his son (buying food doesn't count). I think for you and your kids sake, ask him to move out and just see him when you want to. Before you know it he will have a claim towards your house and your kids will be worse off.

I'd look at houses that you can afford alone. You never know, you might not be able to get anything nice enough or big enough, which would change your plans anyway, but if you can then you make plans to move alone. IF he decides to come in with you at that point, you can look at bigger/better/nicer houses, if he doesn't then you can move your kids and you and he can have a think about whether he wants to come or not.

But I would wonder whether there might be something going on that means he can't get another mortgage and I'd be asking some pointed questions about whether he's still got the money from the sale of his last house.

I'd also be interested to know what exactly he is paying for. If it's food and WiFi then he's taking you for a mug.

Pp saying op is being used but perhaps he feels like he's just a convenience for op to get a bigger house.

So his child is in a tiny room with just enough room for a bed and nothing else?

Don’t overstretch yourself for a bigger house because he and his kid make the house too small. Then you’re stretching yourself needlessly. Any extra cash should go into a pension. If you want extra room the options are he gets a mortgage with you or he moves out. If he says the relationship is over then he will show his true colours.

Would getting an extension be possible eg another rom or two added on be possible?

It’s a 4 bedroom house, each kid has their own room. Hardly living in cramped conditions. OP just wants what she had pre-divorce. We don’t even know that DP is taking advantage, he could be paying half the costs of the household as OP is only saying that it’s good and fair

I would move them back out.

I wouldn’t be squashing my kids in for a man and his child if he had no desire to progress. He’s got it good where he is now so no need to spend more money in his eyes.

You aren’t seperating. You are going back to living separately.
Reality is OP you don’t have the same vision or push in life. .
He gave up responsibility /mortgage to live with you. He doesn’t want a family home together.
Sounds like he moved in for all the wrong reasons.

It's your house so you're free to move. Whether or not he goes with you is another matter.......

@Namechangeprofessional what @WhereIsMyLight said - maybe time to see where his loyalty lies. Maybe he is scared of commitment but next logical stage could be joint ownership. Otherwise, your house, if you want to move then I would be finding somewhere nearby that you like that meets your needs. I wonder what puts him off moving?

Should he have moved into the ops home if he felt this way?

@Namechangeprofessional whatever he is paying you is going to be far less than he was paying for his own house.

Is he paying half of every single bill? Or is he giving you X amount per month and buying groceries every so often.

Sounds to me like you met him not long after your divorce when you were probably still rebounding and he is grossly taking advantage of you.

I know it must be hard to hear, but have a proper think about how much financially he really puts in to your relationship. It’s not all about money no, but if there is a massive difference it will eventually cause resentment.