To feel generally WTF by the way DH thinks

[gollyimholly]

Firstly this isn't a super serious thread where I am annoyed with DH or anything.

Sometimes my head cannot do the mental gymnastics to come to the same conclusion or decision DH has about something.

Examples include:

• currently sorting out car insurance. We share the car and the car is registered under my name. This time last year I was on maternity leave and so I was classed as "employed". I am now a SAHM and so the insurance is higher if I am the named driver. DH suggested we transfer the car to his name and make him the named driver as that makes the policy cheaper. And then if I go back to work next year, register the car in my name again and then make me the named driver. This would save a matter of £80ish a year. I do not think it's worth it.

• our DD is 2. We are talking about different things we can do to save money for her. When talking about premium bonds, DH suggested we buy the maximum amount of premium bonds allowed. So far so good. And then if there are any winnings, to put them in a current account for DD so that "when she's 10, and wants to buy something like colouring pens, she can pay for it with that money". I'm sorry but, don't parents just pay for whatever their children need without putting it in a specific account for that child?

• to not use the dishwasher because it is more time consuming from loading the dishes to taking out clean dishes than it is to wash them by hand

• DH's one big dream is that DD gets into Oxbridge. DH said Oxbridge prefer state secondary schools and not private school students so DD should go to state school. I have no issues with DD going to state school but for that to be the single reason to send them is IMO a bit silly.

AIBU to feel a bit nonplussed by DH's thought processes or do they sound quite typical?

Sounds mostly typical to me.

Re the car insurance you do t need to be the owner to be the main driver anyway so just swap that around and save the money!

My perfectly square DH has some really weird ideas sometimes, usually with him completely losing perspective over little details. Or about human nature and other people’s behaviour and how to prevent any inconvenience or cost to him. Again, no level of reasoning with perspective.

I have wondered sometimes if I really know him, if one uses the metric of “you are what you say “.

I can see exactly where you're coming from and it all makes sense.

However, I put it to you that it may be a case of 'pick your battles'...

Ask me how I know...

I kind of agree about the dishwasher - especially as my DH gets stressed if the plates aren’t rinsed before putting in!

Not wanting to waste £80 seems logical to me, As is the dishwasher thing, he obviously thinks he can do it faster by hand then fair enough.
What is weird is deciding your child should go to Oxbridge. She’s only 2, that’s nuts. And he has no idea if she’ll even want to go to university never mind get into Oxbridge. He’s not going to be one of those awful pushy parents who force their child to do what he wants, is he?

Wrt. Money- if you’re not earning I’m not sure you get to judge him saving £80. It may not seem a lot to you but he is the one who you and your dd are depending on.

nice problem to have, 50k spare to max out premium bonds. I also don’t think it’s a bad idea to give your child their own money and teach them about spending money and budgeting early on. So I’m with him there as well.

i hate washing by hand so not using a dishwasher is madness.

as for private school, surely that decision will be made as your child grows. If your child is genuinely bright enough for oxbridge then as long as state is half decent she’ll do as well there as private. If she’s not particularly academic chances are she won’t get the grades at state and private would be a better choice.

I think his reasoning is sound, you just have different priorities. He prioritises money, speed of chores and education. You seem to prioritise laziness! (Sorry, not a dig, just from the examples you gave - too lazy to change name on account, too lazy to wash dishes by hand, too lazy to plan ahead for education). Not saying he’s necessarily right re oxbridge but it’s not wrong to be thinking ahead and strategising. Many people I know who were considering private school have said the same re Oxbridge and also re some of the big companies now, by the way.

The first example, I think is sensible.

The second example, sensible in concept but I think his wording was clumsy. Yea, it’s a parents duty to provide everything the child NEEDS and at 10yo, I’d include colouring pencils as a ‘need’. However, if he sad Nintendo game, or a robot cat toy then I’d agree with the theory he has used.

The dishwasher thing. Hmmm. If he feels that way, then he can hand wash everything. If you don’t want to hand wash, then don’t. I certainly wouldn’t but if my DH wanted to, I’d let him crack on.

The last example is really odd. Your DH wants the child to go to Oxbridge. It’s got nothing to do with him, it will be up to the child at that point what THEY want to do and where THEY want to go. Maybe he is confusing this with a parent having to choose a nursery for a young child who certainly can’t make such decisions themselves?

He has come up with a few weird ideas, he's probably quite stubborn about it though! Sounds familiar.....

The car insurance, he might have a point there possibly.

Not sure about the Oxbridge thing, it certainly is cripplingly expensive to put a child through private education though. And if it could actually spoil their chances, well....

However, the saving Premium Bond wins for your daughter to use for future pocket money idea, nope. Get him right out of that way of thinking! Like you say, it's the job of the parents to supply what kids need. And also save for their future if you can manage it.

The dishwasher thing, no! How can it possibly be quicker to wash by hand if you're doing it properly? I feel it's safer to put things through the dishwasher, usually you get a better result and you don't end up with a sink full of dirty dishes waiting to be washed or a draining board full of clean dishes drying. Often I used to find the drainer got overloaded if there were a few saucepans in there, plus plates and dishes. Everything is hidden away in the dishwasher., much tidier. Also dishwashers are proven to use less energy.

Honestly from your examples, I think WTF about how you think.

80GBP is 80GBP why not save it, the premium thing is a good idea clearly colouring pencils is just a random example, the dishwasher thing is just an opinion and the school thing is also fine.

He sounds like a top guy, and you can buy a lot of colouring pens with the £80 you save on the car insurance

give the man a break, he's trying his best. There are an awful lot of knob DHs on here, but if this is his only crime, you've got a keeper.

Maybe consider the power of the hive mind, having more than one opinion than your own is a good thing. DH and I always try to come up with different options, some of them sensible, some may be 'alternative', it's a bit of a game to us.

Uh-uh. It doesn't work that way and since it's far more often the woman who stays home with the couple's children, that statement is very misogynistic.

A married couple is a TEAM. It is most certainly NOT only up to the part of the team with the job outside the home to call all the shots with the COUPLE'S money, nor for the half of the team whose job it is to stay home to not have any say about the FAMILY'S money. It's a shame anyone would still need this explained to them in 2025.

Most of his reasoning is sound, maybe not the colouring pens. His DD is 2, so his Oxbridge dream might be completely mad anyway, as you wouldn’t know for many years if she was even capable of uni, let alone a top one where less than 10% of applicants get a place. Private school places still trump state, but there is some argument re state. But that’s if the child is intelligent enough to push themselves. DD got all 9’s at GCSE (12) and goes to state, but she had to do an awful lot of learning herself to achieve that. So private schooling will definitely give higher chance of getting good grades, but they would rate higher a state student who got top grades over someone who goes to the best school in the country. But entry isn’t solely dependant on grades anyway.

Not entirely daft suggestions but probably clumsily worded. You do seem to want to avoid ‘hassle’ even though some of these things are 5 minute jobs.

1. the registered keeper and the main named driver do not have to be the same person. What’s really important though is that the main driver is actually the main driver… insurers are wise to people doing this to lower premiums (especially for young drivers) so make sure it genuinely is him doing the bulk of the driving.
2. Not dissimilar to us - the kids have invested savings and then high street savings. The latter is for birthday money etc and is to teach them them about money management. DS is getting rather too savvy to be honest. I presume that he is talking about £25 or £50 here and there rather than if she wins the jackpot!
3. Disagree with dishwasher - it’s much more energy and water efficient than doing by hand and not sure how long he’s spending loading it! Also @theculture sounds like you might have raised this already but does your DH know rinsing actually stops the dishwasher working as well? Scrape yes, rinse no
4. Assuming DD is young, this is bonkers. See what she enjoys and is good at first, the right school is more important than private vs state. And there’s a bit of movement at 6th form entry for exactly this reason. FWIW I turned down a place at Oxford as it was good but not the best for my particular field. That’s still the case for our grad recruitment 25 years on. Horses for courses and all thst.

I like the dishwasher one. It dilutes the stealth boasting of the other points.

You don't need to change the log book to be the main person on the insurance.

it only takes 90 seconds to unload our large dishwasher, can he wash the pots in 90 seconds (I timed it because DH was moaning)

Saving £80 per year on anything it’s not to be scoffed at.

Show me the premium bond thing is great idea but the money is saved for her future potentially Oxbridge fund not bloody colouring pens!
He’s probably thinking how he would’ve liked to have been treated at age 10 Life is different now Of course

They’re just different approaches to yours. It’s good to have someone who’s thinking about the best to do things imo, even if they’re not necessarily the same way you’d do it.

I was 50/50 on the first two but he lost me at dishwasher and REALLY lost me at Oxbridge. That’s insane. And also misinformed because contextual offers don’t just look at state vs private.

@gollyimholly sorry, you lost me at to not use the dishwasher because it is more time consuming who the hell has dishwasher and doesnt use it>> i would rather let the dishes pile up for a day or so till a new dishwasher was installed if mine broke down! would he wash the dishes???

Definitely save £80 if you can.
The dishwasher and premium bonds are just different approaches to things, no reason not to go along with them. Although a dishwasher uses less water and on Eco setting the amount of energy used is minimal.

The Oxbridge thing is daft, you don't know what her aptitude will be - and also faulty logic. State school applicants are sometimes given advantages on applications, like maybe one UCAS point less on an offer. But that is to make up for all the advantages private school students have from having smaller class sizes, less disruption in class, higher attainment standards, better pastoral care, better facilities etc. DS is the only person from his state school to go to Oxford this year whereas in private schools they will have 3 or 4 per class.

Don’t put the money in premium bonds. Terrible idea, she’s vanishingly unlikely to win big, and other than that is getting no benefit. Put it in a stocks and shares ISA where it can nicely accumulate over the years. (I know this is not the point of that thread).

The only thing I see illogical in his thinking is the presumption that DD will go to Oxbridge. He has no idea whether they would want to go there (or uni at all) and whether they would even have the ability to apply and realistically get in. I am with him on all the other points (assuming you are very high earners and have a spare 50 grand for premium bonds, if not I would look at other savings where there will be interest paid as there is no guarantee with premium bonds).

Re the car one, I don't see why saving £80 for 10 mins of admin on line isn't worth the effort.

The rest of them are a bit ridiculous.

I don’t think his thought process is weird.
Insurance: why don’t you save £80? Is it really a bother to do?
Dishwasher: yes, it might be quicker to wash by hand if it’s just a few items. If he wants to do it - let him.
Premium bonds: I’m with you here 100%. Parents should provide pencils etc.
Oxbridge: Nothing wrong with having aspirations for your children. Put it differently - he thinks that to maximise your DD’s chances in life you should send her in a good state school. Sounds fine. You might disagree with this but it’s just an opinion.
Also if you want to send DC into a good state primary and then secondary school you might need to move. If you want to send them to a private school you might need to save. So he is planning ahead where to live and finances.