Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel generally WTF by the way DH thinks

131 replies

gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 02:21

Firstly this isn't a super serious thread where I am annoyed with DH or anything.

Sometimes my head cannot do the mental gymnastics to come to the same conclusion or decision DH has about something.

Examples include:

  • currently sorting out car insurance. We share the car and the car is registered under my name. This time last year I was on maternity leave and so I was classed as "employed". I am now a SAHM and so the insurance is higher if I am the named driver. DH suggested we transfer the car to his name and make him the named driver as that makes the policy cheaper. And then if I go back to work next year, register the car in my name again and then make me the named driver. This would save a matter of £80ish a year. I do not think it's worth it.
  • our DD is 2. We are talking about different things we can do to save money for her. When talking about premium bonds, DH suggested we buy the maximum amount of premium bonds allowed. So far so good. And then if there are any winnings, to put them in a current account for DD so that "when she's 10, and wants to buy something like colouring pens, she can pay for it with that money". I'm sorry but, don't parents just pay for whatever their children need without putting it in a specific account for that child?
  • to not use the dishwasher because it is more time consuming from loading the dishes to taking out clean dishes than it is to wash them by hand
  • DH's one big dream is that DD gets into Oxbridge. DH said Oxbridge prefer state secondary schools and not private school students so DD should go to state school. I have no issues with DD going to state school but for that to be the single reason to send them is IMO a bit silly.

AIBU to feel a bit nonplussed by DH's thought processes or do they sound quite typical?

OP posts:
alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 14/04/2025 08:39

Does he just annoy you in general? Apart from the Oxbridge thing, I don't see the issue.

LoveFridaynight · 14/04/2025 08:52

Can't see any problems with what DH wants m £80 is still an extra £80 so why not? Dishwashers are expensive to run too,, although I have to admit it's my dream to have one, but it's not really a big deal to wash up.
Premium bonds sound a good idea and if your DD does have her own money you can teach her about budgeting and saving which will help her in the long run.
But going to Oxford is ridiculous. She's 2. She might not want to go to university or get the grades. That's what I'd take issue with. I'd seriously have to ask him what happens if she doesn't go to university.

Screamingabdabz · 14/04/2025 08:56

I think your DH will find out that by the time your dd is uni age, she’ll make her own decisions about her future.

ZanyLilacOP · 14/04/2025 09:03

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 14/04/2025 03:45

Wrt. Money- if you’re not earning I’m not sure you get to judge him saving £80. It may not seem a lot to you but he is the one who you and your dd are depending on.

nice problem to have, 50k spare to max out premium bonds. I also don’t think it’s a bad idea to give your child their own money and teach them about spending money and budgeting early on. So I’m with him there as well.

i hate washing by hand so not using a dishwasher is madness.

as for private school, surely that decision will be made as your child grows. If your child is genuinely bright enough for oxbridge then as long as state is half decent she’ll do as well there as private. If she’s not particularly academic chances are she won’t get the grades at state and private would be a better choice.

Because she's not earning she's not allowed an opinion on her own car??

AthWat · 14/04/2025 09:51
  1. £80 is £80. If he wants to do the work and save the money, seems fair. If it takes him 2 hours of admin that's £40 an hour.
  2. The principle is fine, it's the "like colouring pens" part. if it's "she wants something that we don't feel is worth the money so won't buy her, she can use that" then its fine.
  3. Surely personal choice. When he washes up, if he prefers doing it by hand, that's up to him, and its up to you how you do it. If he is including elapsed time as a time cost though, that makes no sense - you are not sitting watching the dishawasher.
  4. His thinking is skewed. Those who go to private schools get better results; therefore Oxbridge admissions value AAAA from a private school less highly than AAAA from a state school, as it was harder to achieve for a child at a state school. The whole idea is to even it out so the most able get in whatever school they go to. This is not a criterion to choose a school on.
AthWat · 14/04/2025 09:52

Posted too soon - was going to add, more importantly, he shouldnt be putting this pressure on your daughter to go to Oxbridge, even if he doesn't tell her. He shouldn't be telling you. If it's his private dream, he should keep it private.

DeciDela · 14/04/2025 09:56
  1. Understandable both ways, you think the admin isn't worth the £80, he thinks it is
  2. Understandable, when I was little I got £1 a week pocket money and I sometimes used it to buy pens, also books, sweets, records -didn't mean my parents didn't buy those things for me as well
  3. Completely understandable, we don't have a dishwasher for this reason, if you are loading and unloading it you might as well be washing up
  4. No. You shouldn't load your child with such a massive expectation, for a start, and while I am against private schools generally and would never send my children to one, to do it for that reason is ridiculous, as you say
TwelveSloths · 14/04/2025 09:58

On the insurance point, providing you’re being entirely honest with the insurance company, I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to save £80 a year. All these small savings add up.

Dishwasher view is fine. I don’t wash anything up but I get his point.

I don’t necessarily agree with his view on getting into Oxford or Cambridge. The best way to do that is to get the best education and academics you can - if that’s private, so be it.

TSMWEL · 14/04/2025 10:14

Surely as a SAHM you’re the main driver? So while his logic makes sense in a money saving capacity were it true, as you’re currently the main driver you stay with the slightly more expensive option?

Aside from the fact that I don’t think premium bonds are a very good way to save money, giving her a pocket money account is a good way to teach her how to manage money. Of course you can buy her pens, that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t learn the value of money by buying these things for herself.

Dishwasher thing is crackers, I’d like him to further explain his logic on that one 🤣

Oxbridge… you can’t decide at 2 what route your child is going to take academically, you have no idea of her aptitudes or skill set. She might want to go to RADA for all you know, or go into software development straight from education. No one knows what the work landscape will look like in 16 years time. Please don’t decide anything school wise based on this ridiculous notion of his. It’s not fair on her.

I don’t think he does any mental gymnastics so to speak, most of what you’ve said is pretty straight forward thinking but you just have different opinions. Except the Oxbridge thing, that’s some pretty heavy expectations to put on a child and you need to put a stop to it asap.

Penguinmouse · 14/04/2025 10:20

Don’t really understand why you wouldn’t just change your insurance to save £80.

You’re right about other stuff though - your daughter shouldn’t have to rely on Premium Bonds winnings to buy stuff! Maybe at that age she’ll have pocket money but yes, it should be parents providing!

Biffbaff · 14/04/2025 10:23

That's absolute bollocks about Oxbridge "preferring" kids from state schools. I am on his side about the car insurance though. Once you let a dishwasher into your life you will never go back!

ioioitdj · 14/04/2025 10:27

Really don’t think there’s anything particularly unusual there, not saying I agree with him on every point but they’re all valid points of view, do you not like him something?! It took some effort to type that out and you’re clearly frustrated about something that I assume is not one of those opinions.

Kazzybingbong · 14/04/2025 15:35

Tbh, you both sound a bit odd.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 15:48

Hahabonk · 14/04/2025 07:11

Don’t put the money in premium bonds. Terrible idea, she’s vanishingly unlikely to win big, and other than that is getting no benefit. Put it in a stocks and shares ISA where it can nicely accumulate over the years. (I know this is not the point of that thread).

DD does have a JISA but DH wants something she can access before 18. I personally think DD shouldn't be able to access anything until she gets to an age of maturity and is making sensible decisions. My opinion is coloured by relatives who I have seen fritter away hard earned money their parents have put aside for them and are generally bad with money.

OP posts:
Original poster
gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 15:50

TwinklyTornadoBear · 14/04/2025 06:19

Not entirely daft suggestions but probably clumsily worded. You do seem to want to avoid ‘hassle’ even though some of these things are 5 minute jobs.

  1. the registered keeper and the main named driver do not have to be the same person. What’s really important though is that the main driver is actually the main driver… insurers are wise to people doing this to lower premiums (especially for young drivers) so make sure it genuinely is him doing the bulk of the driving.
  2. Not dissimilar to us - the kids have invested savings and then high street savings. The latter is for birthday money etc and is to teach them them about money management. DS is getting rather too savvy to be honest. I presume that he is talking about £25 or £50 here and there rather than if she wins the jackpot!
  3. Disagree with dishwasher - it’s much more energy and water efficient than doing by hand and not sure how long he’s spending loading it! Also @theculture sounds like you might have raised this already but does your DH know rinsing actually stops the dishwasher working as well? Scrape yes, rinse no
  4. Assuming DD is young, this is bonkers. See what she enjoys and is good at first, the right school is more important than private vs state. And there’s a bit of movement at 6th form entry for exactly this reason. FWIW I turned down a place at Oxford as it was good but not the best for my particular field. That’s still the case for our grad recruitment 25 years on. Horses for courses and all thst.

Thank you, I didn't realise registered keeper and main driver don't have to be the same! DH and I share the car so we probably do an equal amount of driving. I drive in the weekdays when DH is at work but if DH is home he will do the driving.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 14/04/2025 15:54

I wouldn't transfer the car into his name. When you come to sell it, you'll have one more owner on it. So instead of '2 owners from new' it will be '3 owners from new' or whatever the number is. You'll lose more than £80 on the resale value.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 15:54

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 14/04/2025 06:48

@gollyimholly sorry, you lost me at to not use the dishwasher because it is more time consuming who the hell has dishwasher and doesnt use it>> i would rather let the dishes pile up for a day or so till a new dishwasher was installed if mine broke down! would he wash the dishes???

We do. We have a dishwasher and don't use it 😭DH is the main dish washer of the house (I tend to do the cooking and he cleans up/washes up).

The dishwasher cycle is about 3 hours and it obviously takes a lot less than 3 hours to wash some pots and pan by hand. But I think after work, time is precious and DH could easily do with more time than waste it on washing dishes.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 14/04/2025 15:55

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/04/2025 08:30

Yes I would find some of these things a bit odd as well.

Re car insurance...you need to be honest about who the main driver actually is, or its fraud (if you say its your husband but its actually you). They can question you in an accident and if you let slip that your husband gets the train/ drives a different car to work every day then it invalidates your insurance. I don't think it's worth risking that for 80 quid

Exactly this re the car insurance. If you name him as the main driver but actually you’re still the main driver while you’re a SAHM, this would class as fronting which is fraud and means you risk your insurance being cancelled (or not paying out if you need to claim) and a whole future nightmare with car insurance.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 15:57

pizzaHeart · 14/04/2025 07:16

I don’t think his thought process is weird.
Insurance: why don’t you save £80? Is it really a bother to do?
Dishwasher: yes, it might be quicker to wash by hand if it’s just a few items. If he wants to do it - let him.
Premium bonds: I’m with you here 100%. Parents should provide pencils etc.
Oxbridge: Nothing wrong with having aspirations for your children. Put it differently - he thinks that to maximise your DD’s chances in life you should send her in a good state school. Sounds fine. You might disagree with this but it’s just an opinion.
Also if you want to send DC into a good state primary and then secondary school you might need to move. If you want to send them to a private school you might need to save. So he is planning ahead where to live and finances.

Re the insurance, I think this is my misunderstanding then. I was under the impression that if you are the main driver on the insurance then you also need to be the registered keeper of the car. I thought if we keep chopping and changing the keeper of the car it could be more trouble than it's worth.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 14/04/2025 16:00

gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 15:57

Re the insurance, I think this is my misunderstanding then. I was under the impression that if you are the main driver on the insurance then you also need to be the registered keeper of the car. I thought if we keep chopping and changing the keeper of the car it could be more trouble than it's worth.

Show quote history

No but it sounds you would still be the main driver of the car (regardless of registered owner) since you drive the car during the week so you would be fronting if you name him as main driver instead.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 16:01

HundredMilesAnHour · 14/04/2025 15:55

Exactly this re the car insurance. If you name him as the main driver but actually you’re still the main driver while you’re a SAHM, this would class as fronting which is fraud and means you risk your insurance being cancelled (or not paying out if you need to claim) and a whole future nightmare with car insurance.

Show quote history

We drive the car quite equally really. I drive in the weekdays and DH on weekends and weeknights

OP posts:
Original poster
gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 16:04

HundredMilesAnHour · 14/04/2025 16:00

No but it sounds you would still be the main driver of the car (regardless of registered owner) since you drive the car during the week so you would be fronting if you name him as main driver instead.

Show quote history

If we add up the hours of driving we're probably equal.

So for example, I will usually do stay and play or park in the week which is maybe an hour's worth of driving per day, and DH will pick us up in the evenings after work which is about 30min a day and then generally does all the weekend driving too.

OP posts:
Original poster
gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 16:06

Londonwaiting · 14/04/2025 07:17

I actually agree with him about the dishwasher!

The pens thing is mental though.

My Ex was autistic and he thought about things in bizarre ways like this. Just saying.

I have often wondered if he is on the spectrum.

OP posts:
ioioitdj · 14/04/2025 16:09

gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 16:06

I have often wondered if he is on the spectrum.

Show quote history

Just because someone has a different opinion to you doesn’t make them autistic for goodness sake. Why do people think it’s acceptable to say that? It’s offensive!!

Funfamilytimes · 14/04/2025 16:10

From personal experience... if you can afford private schooling...do it. I went to both and the best school years were at a private school over state. Theres such a better attitude to learning in a private school. (It could just be the schools I went to...granted!)