To feel generally WTF by the way DH thinks

[gollyimholly]

Firstly this isn't a super serious thread where I am annoyed with DH or anything.

Sometimes my head cannot do the mental gymnastics to come to the same conclusion or decision DH has about something.

Examples include:

• currently sorting out car insurance. We share the car and the car is registered under my name. This time last year I was on maternity leave and so I was classed as "employed". I am now a SAHM and so the insurance is higher if I am the named driver. DH suggested we transfer the car to his name and make him the named driver as that makes the policy cheaper. And then if I go back to work next year, register the car in my name again and then make me the named driver. This would save a matter of £80ish a year. I do not think it's worth it.

• our DD is 2. We are talking about different things we can do to save money for her. When talking about premium bonds, DH suggested we buy the maximum amount of premium bonds allowed. So far so good. And then if there are any winnings, to put them in a current account for DD so that "when she's 10, and wants to buy something like colouring pens, she can pay for it with that money". I'm sorry but, don't parents just pay for whatever their children need without putting it in a specific account for that child?

• to not use the dishwasher because it is more time consuming from loading the dishes to taking out clean dishes than it is to wash them by hand

• DH's one big dream is that DD gets into Oxbridge. DH said Oxbridge prefer state secondary schools and not private school students so DD should go to state school. I have no issues with DD going to state school but for that to be the single reason to send them is IMO a bit silly.

AIBU to feel a bit nonplussed by DH's thought processes or do they sound quite typical?

We're not extremely wealthy, but we are comfortable. We both came from very scarce backgrounds and I think are cautious about money in different ways. DH likes to save every penny (it will literally sit doing nothing) and I prefer to invest.

DH went to Oxbridge and it's something he hopes DC will do. I did not and although it's a nice thing to hope for, I would be content if they also didn't make it to Oxbridge. This is a very DH specific "want". I happy to be supportive of it if DD is that way inclined as she gets older but I am mindful of her having unnecessary pressures on her.

The car insurance one - if you’re going to keep the car forever, no problem otherwise it’ll be added as additional keepers on the log book surely? Doesn’t look great if you want to sell it.

DH wants to keep it forever. I think realistically we'll get a new one in the next 8ish years (it is 2 years old for us, we bought it secondhand).

Ok, I misunderstood the car insurance thing. DH spent some time playing around with variables and said it is cheaper if he is the registered keeper AND the main driver. Which means the intention is to change who the registered keeper in order to bring down the insurance cost. I do think that is a lot of faff over it.

I think the uni thing would bother me the most because it's linked to values and status and you are not aligned. I get that he wants the 'best' for her, but he also now needs to understand that he can't (re-) live his life through her or steer her because of what he would want. The teenage years are going to be very hard for him if he doesn't grasp that asap. Nothing drives a wedge quicker than an inability of a parent to understand their child is an individual being with their own wants and dreams. Is he able to cope if she is not 'academic' ? Who says she even wants to go to uni. If he can hold and imagine multiple paths for her - that would do them both good.

It’s worth saving £80 a year, it’s so easy to do online, an £80 saving over 20 years of car insurance, imagine that.

Parents do usually buy for their children, but some do give an allowance though 10 is a bit young. If he wants to save he should make sure it is a tax free product, an ISA but in her name means she can do what she likes at 18. Consider that.

I use my clean dishwasher like a cupboard so take things out as I use them through the day.

Oxbridge offers, he means contextual offers. I used to be involved in University admissions. In simple terms, 2 candidates apply. One has had the privilege of a private education and the other lives in a deprived postcode, went to a dodgy comp whilst receiving free school meals and is first in the family. Who had to actually strive and try harder, it’s pretty obvious.

My DH is an Oxbridge graduate including his PhD, he was a head of dept and a Prof. I attended an RG University. Our DS is doing a degree apprenticeship. It’s not an especially prestigious institution but he gets a fully funded degree, no debt and is already earning 34k and has a guaranteed job.

He is making a big mistake if he thinks he can push her in to such a specific narrow path.

Seems just like regular discussions to me.

Well saving £80 for about 5-10mins worth of admin is still a good idea.

Maxing out premium bonds is also good, my dad regaulary gets prizes over £100 every month! It could add up to quote a bit of he takes the maximum allowed. Also those prizes could be used to teach her how to manage money, even if it is for colouring pens! You still spend money feeding her, buying clothes etc.

Almost anything saved in your daughters name she will be able to access in full at 18. If you do not want this set it aside for her but in your name, also check tax liability on money you save in a child's name

I can’t see that anyone has already linked to this, but buying Premium Bonds is a poor way of investing money for DD, even if you want quick access. The best rated interest bearing accounts will beat Premium Bonds every time, and you’ll get the benefits of compound interest if you leave it be. You have a far, far higher chance of winning the National Lottery than any of the top Bond prizes, so that’s not even a good argument.

Spend a quid on the lottery now and then and move the lot to an high interest account and your DD will be much better off:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/savings/premium-bonds/

Car insurance: Sure, go ahead and save the £80. Although I don't know why you'd put the car back in your name after? Just leave it in his until there's some other reason it might need to change?

I think he's not wrong that giving her some independence on spending at 10 is a good thing. Some families do it with pocket money or birthday mondy. I have no idea what the return on premium bonds is so I'd mostly worry that she'd blow it. giving her a few pounds to spend independently is very different to having access to a few hundred quid.

Dishwasher - he sounds like my dad! For me, the dishwasher DOES save time because I can find 500 things to do while it's on and I think his approach is odd to consider the "dishwasher task" to take 3 hours. It doesn't. It takes the 10 minutes to load and the 10 minutes to unload and the time it's working is time to do other things. Also, I like a dishwasher because there is constant mess being generated in this house and this way, I don't have to wash up 5 x a day.

Private school... this one is INFURIATING. This theory is because Oxford and Cambridge have specifically said that they are trying to increase the proportion of children who attend from state schools. Lots of very privileged people are up in arms about their precious private school children being penalised.... Last time I checked the figures it was something like: 7% of the population attend private schools. At its peak, Oxbridge students were about 65% private school students. Subsequently, due to the significant effort oxbridge universities have made to reduce the proportion of private school students, it's around 35% or so (although there's also a large international student population).

What this means is that yes, it is NOT as easy to get into Oxbridge from private school as it used to be. But it is STILL significantly more likely to get in than from state school. Or, to look at it another way, a much higher proportion of private school students are accepted at Oxbrige vs the percentage of state school students who gain a place.

Don’t keep changing the registered keeper if you ever want to sell or part ex your car. The more keepers the car has the less it is worth.

You should move the premium bonds into a junior S&S ISA, she will make more this way.

DH's one big dream is that DD gets into Oxbridge.

Oh dear. Pity your poor kid.

Might not be the way you think but there’s nothing strange about his reasoning. At least he is thinking about these things.

This!!

Talking about secondaries to get your DC into Oxford when they are 2 is just insane.

He does NOT get to have a big dream about what his DC does or does not do or achieve. That's fucking awful.

If he loves Oxbridge so much maybe he should go there.

Parents do usually buy for their children, but some do give an allowance though 10 is a bit young.

Hard disagree.

My DC have had pocket money since they were 6 and it's been one of the best parenting things I've done.

Any pestering to buy? Sure you can buy it, out of your own pocket money.

They learn the value of money - and saving - very early.

If you can deposit £50k into a bank account for your 2yr old, and still live comfortably. talking about private school, you’re wealthy. To make out you aren’t is insulting and inaccurate.

Totally agree. Children love independence and teaching financial responsibility is fantastic.

Bit harsh, OP said they are not "Extremely" wealthy. I'm sure she realises that they are well-off, just not rolling in £millions.

If It saves £80 then changing the registered keeper on the car seems sensible. Put the dishwasher on a shorter cycle and I think the premium bonds is ok but the child is too young for a current account and it makes sense for her to have a junior saver or isa. Beware that this means locking the money away until 18 then she will have access to a lot of money. Difficult to say how the Oxbridge thing will play out.

I agree with this.

What’s harsh about asking OP to acknowledge that she is relatively wealthy? Quibbling over £80 when you’re wealthy enough for all the things she’s raised seems irrational.

You don't need to be the registered keeper to be the main driver for insurance. Not with anyone we've ever insured with anyway.!

It will cost more money in the long run if you don’t have insurance in your name as you won’t have a no claims discount.

Dishwasher is fine if he does the washing up… but dishwashers do use less water…

Oxbridge is a massive long shot but if you think it’s possible you may as well go for it.

Where is she "making out she's not wealthy", though? The OP said she wasn't "extremely" wealthy, she never said she wasn't wealthy, yet you say her post was "insulting and inaccurate".
It wasn't inaccurate of her to say she's not extremely wealthy if she's not, is it? Just because they can afford to stash 50k in savings doesn't mean they have millions, which is what extreme wealth is.
I also don't see why her post is insulting. Where has she insulted you? She's not the one quibbling over £80, that's her husband but either way I fail to see where the insult lies.