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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel generally WTF by the way DH thinks

131 replies

gollyimholly · 14/04/2025 02:21

Firstly this isn't a super serious thread where I am annoyed with DH or anything.

Sometimes my head cannot do the mental gymnastics to come to the same conclusion or decision DH has about something.

Examples include:

  • currently sorting out car insurance. We share the car and the car is registered under my name. This time last year I was on maternity leave and so I was classed as "employed". I am now a SAHM and so the insurance is higher if I am the named driver. DH suggested we transfer the car to his name and make him the named driver as that makes the policy cheaper. And then if I go back to work next year, register the car in my name again and then make me the named driver. This would save a matter of £80ish a year. I do not think it's worth it.
  • our DD is 2. We are talking about different things we can do to save money for her. When talking about premium bonds, DH suggested we buy the maximum amount of premium bonds allowed. So far so good. And then if there are any winnings, to put them in a current account for DD so that "when she's 10, and wants to buy something like colouring pens, she can pay for it with that money". I'm sorry but, don't parents just pay for whatever their children need without putting it in a specific account for that child?
  • to not use the dishwasher because it is more time consuming from loading the dishes to taking out clean dishes than it is to wash them by hand
  • DH's one big dream is that DD gets into Oxbridge. DH said Oxbridge prefer state secondary schools and not private school students so DD should go to state school. I have no issues with DD going to state school but for that to be the single reason to send them is IMO a bit silly.

AIBU to feel a bit nonplussed by DH's thought processes or do they sound quite typical?

OP posts:
Londonwaiting · 14/04/2025 07:17

I actually agree with him about the dishwasher!

The pens thing is mental though.

My Ex was autistic and he thought about things in bizarre ways like this. Just saying.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 14/04/2025 07:18

The car can stay with you as registered keeper, it doesn't affect the insurance. The account administrator can be either of you, see who gets the best deal. The main driver should be the main driver, anything else is insurance fraud.

For savings I would be cautious with saving money in a child's name, obviously saving FOR children is good, but saving in the child's name means that as soon as they turn 18, or often younger, the bank gives them full control of all that money. Obviously hopefully your DD will be ultra responsible as she prepares for her degree at Oxbridge (!), but she could be at any stage and once the savings are in her name she could go and spend them on a lot worse than colouring pens.

Dishwasher, couldn't manage without mine but if he wants to go and wash dishes every night I would leave him to it whilst reminding him that it saves water and electricity to use a dishwasher and it is just the plates time he is wasting. Especially because the loading would be similar (putting plates in dishwasher compared to putting them next to sink) and surely putting them away from draining board is the equivalent of unloading, just from a different place.

Oxbridge application obviously has to be her decision to make. The reason state school applicants might need a contextual offer is because universities generally recognise that a student getting high GCSE marks in a private school class of 18 is very different to a state school class of 32 in which their peers are throwing stuff around the room, shouting out and showing little regard for their education. Even then most contextual offers go to those with other additional challenges. My dc go to state school, as do 93% of the population. It will be fine, but only about 70% of Oxbridge students have been to state schools so don't let that be the reason. Apply to the schools you think she will be happy at and that you can afford.

Jennyathemall · 14/04/2025 07:19

Not the 3 most earth shattering examples are they…

NerrSnerr · 14/04/2025 07:19

I think with the car insurance it should be whoever drives the car the most is the named driver.

The premium bonds seems like a good idea. Don't see why not?

Whoever is doing the dishes should use whatever method they wish.

Don't base your child's school on what university they might not get into or want to go to. I'd be telling him that he doesn't get to choose what his children do as they grow up. Talk about putting pressure on!

Fennelseeds · 14/04/2025 07:22

Surely if you keep changing the name of the driver of your car you are adding more keepers to the record

I'd leave it as it is

gamerchick · 14/04/2025 07:23

I'd have no issues with any of that as long as it's not just setting a task up for me to do and he does it.

The last one is weird but he'll just have to see how it pans out and keep an eye on any unnecessary pressure he might put on the bairn.

MesmerisingMuon · 14/04/2025 07:24

Your DH sounds logical and sensible.

Why would you not save £80?

Why would you not watch to teach your daughter the value of money?

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 14/04/2025 07:25

He sounds identical to a Chinese man who I nannied for. He would become fixated on quite unusual things and his ideas about what his children should/shouldn't do.

But it was like those ideas were based on a TV show he watched or something someone said 20 years ago that he has been convinced about ever since (despite being in the UK for ages).

He was interesting to understand and communicate with.

SunnySideDeepDown · 14/04/2025 07:32

My observations are:

  1. if you have the type of money sitting aside to just whack £50k in bonds for your daughter at 2yrs old, then why are you quibbling over £80? Most households would switch to save the money but as you’re clearly extremely wealthy, I would bother.

  2. You both sound intense. Your 2yr old daughter in Oxbridge? She may end up being a C/D grade kid. The vast majority of children aren’t eligible for Oxbridge so I find it a bit funny that you’re already arguing over what secondary she’d need when you literally know nothing about a child’s intelligence and abilities at 2 yrs old. Try to live in the moment.

  3. bank account for pens etc. I think it’s a lovely idea to teach your child the value of money, especially if you’re wealthy and she otherwise may get a warped view. Letting her manage the small purchases at 10 is a great way to build responsibility.

These are all just normal discussions and disagreements. No mental gymnastics required.

ExtraOnions · 14/04/2025 07:32

We are so well off that we can chuck £80 a year away without thinking about it, and have £50k spare to pop into Premium Bonds, and can afford Private School but probably won’t bother, and, can afford for be to be a SAHM.

…. however my biggest problem is how someone uses a Diahwasher

First World Problems…

Smellslikeburnttoat · 14/04/2025 07:33

He does sound a bit daft and that would grate on me

LillyPJ · 14/04/2025 07:34

You have different ways of thinking about things. That's just normal. I happen to agree with your DH re the car insurance. You say it's not worth the bother to save £80, but it would take just a couple of phone calls (and I suspect he'd be the one doing that!) As for putting money away so your daughter could buy things herself, that would teach her some valuable things about managing finances.

Kindling1970 · 14/04/2025 07:35

I work in a very good university and can see the damage it does when parents have a rigid dream for their kids. If he voices this and your kid doesn’t get in she will feel so much shame. Or she will do something she doesn’t want to do as the message becomes ‘I only love you if you go to oxbridge’

HowardTJMoon · 14/04/2025 07:39

"Husband doesn't come to exactly the same conclusion about everything as his wife. MN, is he a wrong'un?"

BetteDavisChin · 14/04/2025 07:48

This reminds me of the times dh would drive us around the town searching for 2 for 1 pub meals. We were both earning decent money at the time too. So cringey, gave me the ick.

Simonjt · 14/04/2025 07:52

Hahabonk · 14/04/2025 07:11

Don’t put the money in premium bonds. Terrible idea, she’s vanishingly unlikely to win big, and other than that is getting no benefit. Put it in a stocks and shares ISA where it can nicely accumulate over the years. (I know this is not the point of that thread).

Yes I was going to say this as well, people forget that premium bonds do not grow in value.

Anotherdayanothernameagain · 14/04/2025 07:56

The only thing that is especially werid is the Oxbridge thing. Far too much pressure and controlling what is she wants to do medicine, a degree which has a better course some or doesn’t want to go to uni.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 14/04/2025 07:58

the car it would just be the insurance you would need to change, not the ownership.

the child, around age 10/11 they will want to go out with their friends and will want to go shopping etc, don't see the issue there

dishwasher - i'd give anything for a dishwasher, i used to have one and its much easier and quicker and more convenient.

Drowninginprobate · 14/04/2025 07:59

I wondered about not using the dishwasher recently but a friend suggested rinsing it, then putting it on a shorter 30 min wash. I found this works just as well as the 3.30mim eco wash for non baked on dishes. (Baked on things I do soak in utility room sink during the day and generally they are ok on the shorter wash, or I wash them up separately).

but if he’s really that set on not using it then I’d say he washes, dries and puts away the dishes!

threenaancurrywhore · 14/04/2025 07:59

£80 savings a year - great!

Mix of investment, some premium bonds some liquid current account to teach money management - great! It’s just a fancier version of pocket money, isn’t it?

Dishwasher vs hand wash - just preference innit!

You both lost me at the Oxbridge logic. You don’t send kids to state school to get them into Oxbridge, you send them there because private is for Tory cunts!

None of these are mind-bending weirdness or big leaps of logic, he just has different opinions to you.

DontCallMeBaby · 14/04/2025 08:07

Hang on, does “more time consuming from loading the dishes to taking out clean dishes than it is to wash them by hand” mean he’d rather eg spend an hour washing up than 10 mins loading, 2 hours ‘waiting’ and 10 mins unloading? Cos that IS weird thinking and makes me wonder if he’s actually shirking.

PermanentTemporary · 14/04/2025 08:25

I'd really question his decision-making processes tbh. The Oxbridge thing is simply not correct and is certainly not a reason to make educational decisions about your TWO year old child's life. I hope he responds well if you say 'let's dig into this a bit more' because it sounds as if you may have to a lot...

Then again I think saving £80 is well worth it, if that's actually correct.

It sounds as if you may have very different childhood financial experiences. Though I did have a friend whose mum got her to save half her pocket money in the Post Office every week (they got a pound a week so 50p into savings). She is still great with money now. Maybe he means something like that?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/04/2025 08:30

Yes I would find some of these things a bit odd as well.

Re car insurance...you need to be honest about who the main driver actually is, or its fraud (if you say its your husband but its actually you). They can question you in an accident and if you let slip that your husband gets the train/ drives a different car to work every day then it invalidates your insurance. I don't think it's worth risking that for 80 quid

TheMedusa · 14/04/2025 08:30

You are what you do. What many of us say is an unreliable guide to who we are.

vivainsomnia · 14/04/2025 08:33

I agree with him on each of those examples. Doesn't mean he is right, but that each views are valid.